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Thread: For a change of pace, a bit of humor perhaps

  1. #1

    Default For a change of pace, a bit of humor perhaps

    I think some of us in this group might appreciate this joke.
    ----
    An engineering student was strolling across campus when a fellow engineer rode up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get that great bike?" asked the first student.
    "I was walking along, minding my own business," his friend replied, "when a gorgeous woman rode up on this motorbike." She jumped off, threw it to the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
    The first engineer nodded his approval. "Good choice," he said. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyhow."
    ----

    Maybe being an engineer too helps me appreciate this joke even more? :-)

    Patricia

  2. #2

    Default

    I can have a fairly awkward sense of humour. Bad puns and one liners. Sorry everyone! Prepare to cringe.. here goes.

    I could be wrong, im fairly sure this one won first prize at the edinburgh fringe festival a few years ago:

    "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"

    Or how about..

    "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an italian island. I said to him 'dont be Sicily"

    Haha oh dear.. I think i'll leave the jokes to the rest of you.

    - Lotus Flower

  3. #3
    CrinklySiren

    Default

    An atom walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender ~

    the bartender says to the atom

    "you look sad, what's up?"

    the atom replies

    "I lost an electron "

    then the bartender says

    "are you sure?"

    to which the atom says

    "I'm Positive".


    LOL.

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by LotusFlower View Post
    I can have a fairly awkward sense of humour. Bad puns and one liners. Sorry everyone! Prepare to cringe.. here goes.

    I could be wrong, im fairly sure this one won first prize at the edinburgh fringe festival a few years ago:

    "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"

    Or how about..

    "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an italian island. I said to him 'dont be Sicily"

    Haha oh dear.. I think i'll leave the jokes to the rest of you.

    - Lotus Flower
    Tim Vine joke's ?
    phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

    "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

    "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

    "So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

    "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

    "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

    I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

    I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

    I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

    I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

    So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

    I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

    So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

    I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

    I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

    So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

    So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

    So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

    I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

    "You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

    You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

    You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

    So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

    So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

    "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

    "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

    "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

    "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

    I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”

    I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui

    I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.

    "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

    "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

    So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

    So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

    So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

    So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

    So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

    So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

    I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

    My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!

    A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

    So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

    What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

    I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.

    I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”

  5. #5

    Default

    I like the last two. All my jokes are too profane though.

  6. #6

    Default Great Joke!

    Hey, LotusFlower!

    Excellent!

    parcelboy2,

    HaHaHaHa!!!

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