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Thread: Dan Savage's advice to a DL on cheating and exploration

  1. #1

    Default Dan Savage's advice to a DL on cheating and exploration

    Dan Savage's column "Savage Love" this week features a letter from a 24-year-old gay male diaper lover who is in a vanilla relationship. The letter asks whether it would count as cheating to have a diaper changing scene with someone else with "no sex" and "no kissing or anything."

    A Hole New World - Savage Love by Dan Savage - The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper
    (Scroll's the second letter.)

    What do you think of Dan Savage's advice? Do you think it was a good idea to include advice from both "Good Dan" and "Bad Dan"? Do you think one of them is right?

  2. #2


    I think it was worthwhile to acknowledge possible angles that surely have crossed the questioner's mind. Savage always seems to temper his advice with a healthy dose of realism, even if that conflicts with the idealistic principles we socially put onto relationships and always seem surprised when someone breaks them. I think in any case, the relationship in question was/is broken, so at this point, it's really a question of which is the least bad option for addressing it? I wouldn't recommend Bad Dan's advice, but I can see where it would be better for someone that's so scared of confrontation that they'd suffer through a broken relationship instead.

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    I thought it was a very well-written advice column and both perspectives might be valid for different types of people.

    I personally prefer the Good Dan advice because I'm an advocate of open communication.

  4. #4


    I had to chuckle when I read that reply by Dan Savage - to be honest it was my first encounter with "Dan Savage" - the name / person was a complete stranger to me before that.
    Also generally I don't think those advice columns in the papers are worth a lot because they're usually given without knowing the person who requested the input beyond what they have divulged in their question.

    That aside I think Dan raises two VERY valid aspects and also says that it remains a personal choice.
    I like that in both "good / bad" version he comes to the aspect that at one point the current relationship of "DD" needs some serious TALKING TIME.

    What I personally though would recommend really differently is that before I'd go into an if/or scenario (either "you" get into diaper stuff with me or you'd be OK with me seeing someone else for it) I'd do the simple talk.
    "Remember the kink I've told you about?... it is really something I'd like to give a go, can you find it in your capacity to try it with me? once?".
    I wouldn't at first venture out and mention the outside person, I would not dare to bring this possibility along as long as the other options have not been looked at.
    Give it some time too.
    Then if to no avail I'd probably would go with "bad Dan's advice".
    "You're" young, and the commitment to the relationship is probably not 100% - so maybe time to move on, if no compromise can be found.

  5. #5


    I hadn't read this one yet. I'm not a religious reader of Savage Love but I sometimes go through binges of reading back columns. I think it's very good advice and I like the good/bad approach. I also like how he made no judgments about this kink which he doesn't care for (from past responses). Overall, I prefer the advice from "Good Dan" but I think laying out the practicalities is also worthwhile and it makes a fair bit of sense under the circumstances.
    Last edited by Trevor; 22-May-2014 at 18:05. Reason: fixed typo- cursed autocorrect of tablet!

  6. #6


    Never heard of this guy but I liked the response. Me personally, if I had done the talking and such and then decided to try it the other person I would not necessarily ask for permission but I would let them know if it were going to happen. They aren't married yet and they both have a lot to think about. True, diaper reality is rarely like diaper fantasy, but sometimes the edge needs to come off. It's important to always be honest with each other. Especially before taking that major step of til death do us part. Diapers and baby things are in fact a significant part of us but with each person it will vary. I think a great person who loves and accepts you but doesn't necessarily like to okay diapers with you is still worth a lifetime of fun versus just a few flings to keep ones diaper desires at bay. This is just MY OPINION. I know not everyone feels that way. sure in fantasy someone is there perfect combination but for most of us we have a decision to make. I'm not saying that you should marry someone who hates your diaper side either because that's just wrong. I know this is a bad example but for instance if I wanted to marry a man who had a big time Star Wars hobby but I hated Star Wars, everything to do with it, got angry at him whenever he wanted to buy a limited edition DVD or action figure and hated how he referenced that it everyday conversation... Well that guy might be nice but he is not for me because if that's irking me in the early stages imagine how it will feel five years down the road. Now on the other hand... If I knew that was his hobby but it wasn't mine, we budgeted money for him to be able to spend on Star Wars memorbelia within reason and I rolled my eyes at his Star Wars references but thought it was kinda cute well he still could be a great guy with a quirk that helps make him the man I love well that's a whole different story. Do I love Star Wars? Probably not. But I could sit and watch a movie with him sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm going to reenact scenes with him cos hey it's not my thing, but if he wants to do that I can support him and give him a hug when he's done. So think about it like that but replacing the Star Wars analogy with diapers. There's a big difference in the attitude.

  7. #7


    Trevor, you wrote the thoughts I had about this very precise. Indeed it is a very positive fact that Savage is aware of our kink and does not judge about it.

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