Hello everyone! I'm back . I've been away for a few months. There's a reason for that, which is why I'm posting this. I could really do with talking about it. I'm not sure this is the right subsection to be posting this. It may get a little heavy, I'm sorry if it does. I suppose I'm posting it here in the hope i may bump into some familiar faces too, and it does involve gender identity.
I had a psychiatrist appointment a few months ago. In the week before that appointment i was pretty stressed out. Not only with my own problems, but a crisis was happening with a family member too. I didn't sleep for two days, and at one point brokedown into tears. my sister was called. She's the one in my family i've been confiding in. When she arrived i was crying hysterically, having an emotional outburst. Due to the lack of sleep i probably sounded a bit erratic. "Your not well" is what she said to me..
My doctors appointment was the week after. sat in a room with a psychiatrist, a mental health nurse, and a student. I'm ok with students being present. I've been talking to doctors now for about 8 years, so i suppose I'm used to it. But i'd never had to talk to a doctor about my gender issues before. They were incredibly supportive, they actually made me feel alot better about things. They've offered to get me in touch with a psychologist.
The appointment itself wasn't the problem, it was a comment that was made. I was told by the nurse my sister had called. She was asking questions, my sister believes I'm crossdressing or having transgendered thoughts because I'm 'ill'. As a bit more history to me, when i was 17 i was a bit of a party animal (like alot of people that age), experimented with drugs, i had a drug-induced psychosis for almost a year. Bad times to say the least.
The thing is, that was seven years ago now. I haven't had any psychotic-related symptoms in a very long time. I do still struggle with anxiety to this day, but I'm doing things with my life now that would have seemed impossible at one point, i've really come a long way.
The doctors don't believe I'm ill, they told me that at the appointment, it's the opposite actually. i basically have minimal contact with them now, I'm on the way to being discharged from their service.
I tried telling my sister she had upset me, she held her position 'your ill'. She's usually one of the kindest and most understanding people i know, i was so confused! after sharing my secrets with her, at first she was ok with it, now shes not? . It really was a crushing blow for me, it hurt alot, it still does. I was starting to open up to people, here on Adisc, and to a few in my life to. All that has stopped.
My first post on here was my first step in a new journey. It was great to say for the first time how i feel and not feel like I'm 'Wrong' for it. I felt accepted. the confidence boost was massive and it was noticeable by everyone in my daily life, even if they didn't know why... I was working hard on self-acceptance.
What my sister did had a bad effect on me. I've stopped talking to anyone, I'm having to hide. bottling everything up all the time. I stopped my 'dressing exploration' for a while, i started to feel ashamed of myself again, like i used to.
I just want to pick myself up again and keep going. part of that is getting what happened out of my system so it's not eating away at me. I'm not mad at my sister, i feel quite bad talking about her this way, she's one of the nicest people i know. She's like a best friend to me. I don't mean to portray a bad picture of her. i just think she could have handled that particular situation in a better way.
I only get doctors appointments every 3 or 4 months. a 30 minute appointment isn't enough, there's alot i need to talk about, and in my current situation i've got no one to talk to . I think it's important for me to come back here. it just really helps to talk about my experiences, it's therapeutic. It helps to know i'm not alone... and your all a wonderful group of people too .
I'm sorry if that was an epicly long thread. Hope to hear from you all soon. If i can't come back for a few days, its because i haven't got any privacy. I'll try to come back and check when i can.
- Lotus Flower