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Thread: I need some advice...

  1. #1

    Default I need some advice...

    Hi. Too put it bluntly I found my boyfriend wearing nappies. It happened two nights ago. We went on a night out with friends and in the morning when I woke up he was acting very odd, I reached over to touch him and found out the reason why, he was wearing a nappy. I didn't know what to do so I went downstairs to get a glass of water, confused and dazed. He acted as if nothing was wrong and when he came down he asked me what was wrong. I said ''Stupid question that, you know what's wrong.'' So he sat down. I knew he enjoyed wearing diapers two years ago and after weeks of confusion I told him that I just couldn't get my head around it and so I think I would have to end it. He promised me it would never happen again and I believed him. Now, two years on, it has happened again and I was so hurt by the way he did it. He just didn't say anything, got into bed beside wearing one and expected me to deal with it in the morning. I couldn't and we have broken up. He came round yesterday to pick me up and I had to end it. we're meeting up in two weeks (enough time for me to get over things I hope) to exchange our left over things. His (nearly) last words to me were he was definitely done with wearing them. And I was just wandering, not judging or preaching as I do firmly believe people should be allowed to do and be whatever and whoever makes them happy but I just can't accept this and think he would be happier if he found someone that could and would, if anyone is out there who has been a D/L or known a D/L who did stop it for someone they were with and if it worked out or if it then just becomes a secret activity? Any help would be great

  2. #2

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    Unfortunately, my dear friend, first of all thanks for coming to us and trusting us with this issue, however, the prospects of being able to "put away" or permanently purge this part of us is extremely grim. Many of us tried. I tried and was successful for a few years and boom, one night I gave in to it big time. It's not like alcoholism in which the good affects of stopping drinking are very clear and apparent early on. Diaper/nappy fettish is not.

    To be blunt: He was either very naive to think he could push it away or was lying to you. Neither of which are good. Some partners can handle DL. Some cannot. Some, like mine, accept it as part of me but I must indulge by myself and keep it all sanitary. We are happily married 8+ years. That may work for you two if you are open to giving it a shot.

    If I had someone I had to purge for to stay with, I would have wanted to do that, but knew I could not.

    I hope that helps.

    I wish I had better news. I'll pray for you two.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nennifer View Post
    Hi. Too put it bluntly I found my boyfriend wearing nappies. It happened two nights ago. We went on a night out with friends and in the morning when I woke up he was acting very odd, I reached over to touch him and found out the reason why, he was wearing a nappy. I didn't know what to do so I went downstairs to get a glass of water, confused and dazed. He acted as if nothing was wrong and when he came down he asked me what was wrong. I said ''Stupid question that, you know what's wrong.'' So he sat down. I knew he enjoyed wearing diapers two years ago and after weeks of confusion I told him that I just couldn't get my head around it and so I think I would have to end it. He promised me it would never happen again and I believed him. Now, two years on, it has happened again and I was so hurt by the way he did it. He just didn't say anything, got into bed beside wearing one and expected me to deal with it in the morning. I couldn't and we have broken up. He came round yesterday to pick me up and I had to end it. we're meeting up in two weeks (enough time for me to get over things I hope) to exchange our left over things. His (nearly) last words to me were he was definitely done with wearing them. And I was just wandering, not judging or preaching as I do firmly believe people should be allowed to do and be whatever and whoever makes them happy but I just can't accept this and think he would be happier if he found someone that could and would, if anyone is out there who has been a D/L or known a D/L who did stop it for someone they were with and if it worked out or if it then just becomes a secret activity? Any help would be great
    I think from my own experience and reading here, the odds of anyone quitting this for good are low. While it is possible to stop acting on it, the desire remains and that can lead to a pretty miserable existence. I have little doubt that your boyfriend believes he can stop. It's a very common stage in coming to grips with this. What he really needs is someone who can handle this, either to accept it or embrace it and him with it. If that's not you, it's best to call it quits. We all have things about ourselves that are potential dealbreakers for those who might love us and this is no different. While I don't agree with his way of bringing this to the forefront again, if you can't deal with it, it's best for everyone to move on as soon as possible.

  4. #4

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    When I got married, I thought I could stop, and I did for several year. When we moved as a result of job changes, I started wearing again. Eventually my wife found out, but she has been very accepting. We've been married for a while however, and so we have a very strong relationship, which changes the playing field considerably.

    Like others have said, if this isn't something you can abide, you need to go your separate ways.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nennifer View Post
    Hi. Too put it bluntly I found my boyfriend wearing nappies. It happened two nights ago. We went on a night out with friends and in the morning when I woke up he was acting very odd, I reached over to touch him and found out the reason why, he was wearing a nappy. I didn't know what to do so I went downstairs to get a glass of water, confused and dazed. He acted as if nothing was wrong and when he came down he asked me what was wrong. I said ''Stupid question that, you know what's wrong.'' So he sat down. I knew he enjoyed wearing diapers two years ago and after weeks of confusion I told him that I just couldn't get my head around it and so I think I would have to end it. He promised me it would never happen again and I believed him. Now, two years on, it has happened again and I was so hurt by the way he did it. He just didn't say anything, got into bed beside wearing one and expected me to deal with it in the morning. I couldn't and we have broken up. He came round yesterday to pick me up and I had to end it. we're meeting up in two weeks (enough time for me to get over things I hope) to exchange our left over things. His (nearly) last words to me were he was definitely done with wearing them. And I was just wandering, not judging or preaching as I do firmly believe people should be allowed to do and be whatever and whoever makes them happy but I just can't accept this and think he would be happier if he found someone that could and would, if anyone is out there who has been a D/L or known a D/L who did stop it for someone they were with and if it worked out or if it then just becomes a secret activity? Any help would be great
    Thanks for sharing that. I was sorry to hear about the end of your relationship and what you felt was a breach of trust or, at best, broken promise. However for what it's worth I think it's difficult to "get rid" of a fetsh as such, if not impossible. I know that because I fought my own fetish desires and it took me a long time to make my peace with them and accept that they're part of who I am. My GF knows of my interests but doesn't share them so I don't practice them in her presence and instead do what I must to manage them in my own time. I doubt whether your boyfriend will ever lose his interest although it may wane as he gets older. However if your relationship was good and you were happy apart from this one thing I'd take time to reflect carefully on whether ending it is the right thing to do or not. If you could find away forward which acknowledges that he'll probably always be a DL to some extent whilst respecting your space and allowing you to have an ongoing, fruitful, relationship surely that's worth doing.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nennifer View Post
    Hi. Too put it bluntly I found my boyfriend wearing nappies. It happened two nights ago. We went on a night out with friends and in the morning when I woke up he was acting very odd, I reached over to touch him and found out the reason why, he was wearing a nappy. I didn't know what to do so I went downstairs to get a glass of water, confused and dazed. He acted as if nothing was wrong and when he came down he asked me what was wrong. I said ''Stupid question that, you know what's wrong.'' So he sat down. I knew he enjoyed wearing diapers two years ago and after weeks of confusion I told him that I just couldn't get my head around it and so I think I would have to end it. He promised me it would never happen again and I believed him. Now, two years on, it has happened again and I was so hurt by the way he did it. He just didn't say anything, got into bed beside wearing one and expected me to deal with it in the morning. I couldn't and we have broken up. He came round yesterday to pick me up and I had to end it. we're meeting up in two weeks (enough time for me to get over things I hope) to exchange our left over things. His (nearly) last words to me were he was definitely done with wearing them. And I was just wandering, not judging or preaching as I do firmly believe people should be allowed to do and be whatever and whoever makes them happy but I just can't accept this and think he would be happier if he found someone that could and would, if anyone is out there who has been a D/L or known a D/L who did stop it for someone they were with and if it worked out or if it then just becomes a secret activity? Any help would be great
    Bluntly speaking: I do really NOT understand stand you - at least partially.

    As I'm Incontinent I have limited options with how I deal with it... diapers / pads and some other "gear" helps me to go on living my rather sporty, active and busy life mostly unaffected by the damn IC.
    But for my Girlfriend (now +12 years) it means she has to occasionally deal with seeing, feeling and otherwise noticing my diapers/pads/etc. She doesn't mind and I'm glad - the point here is that I try to be discrete, as discrete as possible, but yet not make a big deal out of the entire thing.

    Sure, there are nicer things than diapers - but so what? it's just diapers.
    Now it doesn't really matter if your boyfriend is a DL and wears because he LIKES to (but it could be argued that a fetish isn't going away and that it thus is closer to a need that can be suppressed but really not easily) or wears because he needs to.
    What I think was a dick move on his behalf is to NOT seek an active dialog with you, but I guess he was basically afraid of your answer.

    Now splitting up over something like that? seriously? because he likes to wear diapers and doesn't stop for you?
    ask ANY therapist specialised on sexual stuff, how difficult / almost impossible it is to get rid / suppress a fetish. Now arguably it is in many cases far more difficult than ridding yourself of a heroine addiction.
    Can be done, but doesn't come easily or "free" .

    Ask yourself, what would you do if he had become incontinent due to an accident / etc.? would you have left him just the same?

    I can understand the underlying trust issue and the violation of an agreement, but honestly, if the relationship OTHERWISE was good, than I don't see this as any bit a valid reason to quit and not at least give each other a chance.

  7. #7

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    He didn't involve you at all. You involved yourself by touching him. He did nothing wrong.
    Buy your own accounts, you snapped at him rather than trying to have a dialogue. This strikes me is something different. I suspect you were looking for a reason to leave the relationship anyway. You found this, you remember that you didn't like it, and you latched on. It's amazing what a close minded individual can do with a relationship.
    All the best

  8. #8

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    Hi just wanted to say thank you for the replies, it makes it easier to accept I think I made the right desicion for us. I had tried to accept the d/l in him before and told him two years ago that I couldn't cope with it, it was entirely his desicion to try and give it up. I didn't force him. As for everything I don't think I am a closed minded person, he doesn't have a incontinence problem he just likes to wear them, and I am just being honest in telling him I can't deal with it, he should find someone who can. I never judged him at all for it. And as for involving me he didn't actively but even he admitted he waited till I was in a deep sleep before putting them on so I would have to wake up to find out rather than him talking to me about it and this is the thing I can't deal with. I understand it wouldn't of been easy to tell me it was happening again but after being together for 4 years I would of thought anyway other than the way he chose to tell me would of been better. I'm only 21, we're not married and have no real commitments and we can move on from this, maybe to become friends but I can't deal with the nappy wearing because of one simple thing for me. I would not like to have kids and know there was even the slightest risk of them finding out and having to explain because I just couldn't. And that is something I had to really consider because I want a family. I know plenty of people have kids who do this but I just couldn't deal with that. Anyway thank you for the honest answers, it has helped a lot to understand this is something that is not given up.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nennifer View Post
    Hi just wanted to say thank you for the replies, it makes it easier to accept I think I made the right desicion for us. I had tried to accept the d/l in him before and told him two years ago that I couldn't cope with it, it was entirely his desicion to try and give it up. I didn't force him. As for everything I don't think I am a closed minded person, he doesn't have a incontinence problem he just likes to wear them, and I am just being honest in telling him I can't deal with it, he should find someone who can. I never judged him at all for it. And as for involving me he didn't actively but even he admitted he waited till I was in a deep sleep before putting them on so I would have to wake up to find out rather than him talking to me about it and this is the thing I can't deal with. I understand it wouldn't of been easy to tell me it was happening again but after being together for 4 years I would of thought anyway other than the way he chose to tell me would of been better. I'm only 21, we're not married and have no real commitments and we can move on from this, maybe to become friends but I can't deal with the nappy wearing because of one simple thing for me. I would not like to have kids and know there was even the slightest risk of them finding out and having to explain because I just couldn't. And that is something I had to really consider because I want a family. I know plenty of people have kids who do this but I just couldn't deal with that. Anyway thank you for the honest answers, it has helped a lot to understand this is something that is not given up.
    I'm not saying you are close minded - But there are a few things:

    "I've made the right decision for US" - I guess the "US" Part is also up to him to decide... it might be the right decision for YOU.

    And again, how would you cope with it if by an odd accident (it happens more often than you'd care to know) he would NEED to wear diapers? would you still have left him?


    The Kids thing... Honestly it's none of your (yet to be made) kids business what goes on behind closed doors in the parents bedroom.
    To this day I don't know (and frankly I DO NOT WANT DO KNOW) what kind of weird kink my parents are into.
    Me and my Girl are pretty actively enjoying a switch-BDSM thing to complement our shared sexuality - we're both pretty kinky, and honestly should we ever have kids, we would not share this part with the kids.
    It's a bit of a lame excuse you try to play (the kid-card).... because if he's any bit reasonable, the kids will certainly never know.

    And yes, you're 21, there's no real comittment, but just think over WHAT you have decided to end a 4-year old relationship.
    I guess if the situation would be reversed, you'd feel pretty shitty....
    It would in my opinion be an entirely different thing if he would have wanted you to become involved in his diaper-fantasies, but from what I read this wasn't the case.

    Nennifer, whilst it is of course your good right to end any relationship, with or without reason - as it was something you committed to with a free-will and thus are not bound by it, I just hope that you will not eventually end up in the opposite situation, that someone will dump you because he can't cope with a tiny "weird" aspect of your own personality...
    Just keep in mind: NO BODY (that includes yourself) is perfect and free of blemishes, weird stuff, odd problems, etc. And should be within us all to accept each other despite those things, as long as it doesn't REALLY provide an ultimate problem.

    But I guess incontinentGM24 has probably nailed it perfectly: you've most likely been looking for a way out of the relationship anyhow.

  10. #10

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    Nennifer, if you feel that ending the relationship was the right thing to do, all well and good. However I hope the nappies on their own weren't the only reason. In your defence you're only 21 and you've still (hopefully) got a lot of living, learning and maturing to do you. However if you're to have successful long term relationships as that will involve accepting and loving people as they are with all their defects as well as trusting them to love you back on the same basis. If you're relationship was good apart from the nappies, surely it's worth saving.

    As regards any offspring you have accidentally discovering that your partners wears nappies, I really wouldn't worry about that. If they were to make such a discovery you could say their father had a health problem which meant that he sometimes had to wear protection. It may come as a surprise to you but most adults have a few "accidents" during the course of their lives and such things can happen to anyone, however well trained and continent they think they are. My late father, who was the proudest of men, wet his pyjamas during his last illness, a few weeks before he died. My mother and I had an awful job trying to reassure him that it was perfectly okay, just an accident, and that accidents happen to everyone - which they do pretty much.

    Ultimately what you do has to be your decision but at least try to listen and take on board what's been said.

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