I am currently in a very twisted situation. I am currently (you could say according to the student body) in a relationship with a girl, and have been for about a year. I have always wanted to be straight, "normal" because through my years in school(especially in middle school X.x) if you were anything other than normal, you could be preyed upon, and i was, bullied verbally very much.
I had some gay thoughts before now but brushed them away, never really assessing them... I wanted so badly to be straight I forced myself to think that way, although I thought, and do still think, the female sexual organs (boobs ect) rather disgusting, and wondered for the longest time why anyone would want to see that. (I thought it was gross) My fantasy's that were gay in nature usually involved diapers, and some when I tried to think heterosexually, always involved diapers too...
This was about a year ago, I have now started to come to terms with myself being gay, but after years of trying to convince my self I am straight, tendrils of doubt remain in my mind, making me doubt my sexuality so much more.
So many of my close friends have arguments of why people are "wrong" or mentally messed up, when they are homosexual, ect (One of my friends thinks all furries are totally messed up in the head, for example)(Another example is how one of my friends thinks that people who are bisexual, are not really just kidding themselves, which makes me doubt myself, because I doubt myself about everything...). I want to be true to myself, and being gay would be what would make me truly happy. But I think logically, and when I am presented with an argument that makes sense, even if it goes against my thoughts, I consider it, and it installs doubt into my mind...
This girl that I have been dating i guess, well, she is on my schools Rifle team with me, and has been for a year now, and being on varsity, the team is very close, and there are about.. 3/4 relationships inside the team going on right now... that is beside the point, the thing is, I haven't told anyone except one boy that I met at an chorus event (people from schools around the state area audition for this group, if they get in they perform) that I think I am gay... I have been confused for the past few months on this subject.
I know my situation is extremely involved and complicated, but I really can't talk to anyone else about this, and I hope someone has some advice for me.
On a side note, the boy I met and have talked to is gay, and I like him, but he lives 39 miles away .
Overall, If anyone has any advice at all I would appreciated, or anything to say really, I don't know what to say to this girl, because I value our friendship, and we are together everyday because of the team we are on, and we have a bunch of things in common, like our love of Anime/Manga. (Although she is not a big fan of Yaoi, lol.)
Again sorry for the involved post, and I appreciate anything anyone can say, thank you so much for reading this far anyway!