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Thread: boundaries not being respected....help!

  1. #1

    Default boundaries not being respected....help!

    I don't even know how to start this out. I feel like such an inconvenience, or maybe a cover for who my husband is and what life he wants to lead. I guess I'll start out with I have no issues whatsoever with my husband being an AB. I'll admit, it gets overwhelming at times because it seems like there is no more relationship time, it all baby time for him these days. I've given him all the support and acceptance that I can and that I am capable of. I don't mind him dressing as a baby, or even his paci (which was a hard thing for me to come to terms with), and I don't mind that he uses a forum room to talk with the other AB people as he needs someone to connect with and I haven't the faintest on how to connect with him on this level. Anyway none of this is a problem for me.

    He has taken things real world with his AB friends and lied to me about it. He went on a business trip last week and met up with someone he considers his "little boy". He told me after the fact and I could tell he was nervous to tell me but then over shared. He told me that he loves me and our daughter BUT he loves this guy in a parental way. I have made clear to him that the one and only boundary I have is that there will be absolutely NO baby/daddy play with anyone in a real life setting. Fast forward to last night he was video chatting with his "baby brother" about coming to spend time with him while he is on a business trip next month. I have never in our 7 years of marriage looked through his phone, but I feel like I'm being lied to without a shred of thought to how his actions are going to affect our lives as partners. I'm devastated. He is planning to go spend baby time with his "brother" and "daddy" and is "so excited to be babied by daddy". He had text about how his daddy is going to be 3 hours away from our house this weekend and that he was going to make something up to his wife to go have baby time with him.

    I just cannot wrap my head around his need to cross the one boundary I have and for him to act as if it's no big deal to lie about it. I don't even know what it is that I'm looking for here. I guess to just let it out. I don't know how to bring this up to him, I already feel like a total ass for looking through his phone but I'm so fed up with being lied to. It hurts and after all we've been through I feel like I deserve the truth. Help!!

  2. #2

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    Typically I love to tell people that they are not being betrayed when they for some reason feel that they are. In your case, it's clearly the opposite.
    It sounds to me like you are more than excepting. I don't know how far you've gone with him with this fetish, but I suspect you're not someone who just stands by and does nothing. At the very least it sounds like he's taking too much advantage of that. Add on top of that blatantly lying to you? I don't really understands what he's hoping to accomplish other than to drive you away.
    I wish you the best of luck.

  3. #3

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    I'm really sorry to hear about the tough time you're going through.

    Honestly is an essential part of a relationship. Clearly you've been very understanding with your husband so far and he should respect and appreciate that.

    Whilst you may feel bad about reading through his phone, the fact of the matter is that you suspected something to be wrong and it was, therefore you have absolutely every right to let him know about what you've found.

    You deserve a relationship in which the man you love can be completely honest with you and respects the boundaries you agree on. The only thing I would suggest, which I know will be hard, is to sit down with him and let him know what you found, let him know that upsets you. Try your best not to let your emotions get the better of you and remember that anger won't solve anything, but be honest about how he's betrayed you and let him know that if the relationship is going to work then he needs to respect you.

    If you love each other, which I'm certain you do, then I'm sure you'll be able to work things out, so go in to this with the positive attitude that you can fix it. Hopefully he'll see that he's made a mistake, give him another chance to be honest with you and to respect the boundaries you've set out, commit yourself to trusting him fully if he is willing to try, but if he defies your trust again then you may have to consider if, no matter how hard it may be, it's time to take action and end the relationship.

    Again I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I'm sure you'll be able to sort it out with time and patience.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by babygirl5 View Post
    I'm really sorry to hear about the tough time you're going through.

    Honestly is an essential part of a relationship. Clearly you've been very understanding with your husband so far and he should respect and appreciate that.

    Whilst you may feel bad about reading through his phone, the fact of the matter is that you suspected something to be wrong and it was, therefore you have absolutely every right to let him know about what you've found.

    You deserve a relationship in which the man you love can be completely honest with you and respects the boundaries you agree on. The only thing I would suggest, which I know will be hard, is to sit down with him and let him know what you found, let him know that upsets you. Try your best not to let your emotions get the better of you and remember that anger won't solve anything, but be honest about how he's betrayed you and let him know that if the relationship is going to work then he needs to respect you.

    If you love each other, which I'm certain you do, then I'm sure you'll be able to work things out, so go in to this with the positive attitude that you can fix it. Hopefully he'll see that he's made a mistake, give him another chance to be honest with you and to respect the boundaries you've set out, commit yourself to trusting him fully if he is willing to try, but if he defies your trust again then you may have to consider if, no matter how hard it may be, it's time to take action and end the relationship.

    Again I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I'm sure you'll be able to sort it out with time and patience.
    I think babygirl5 hit the nail square on the head.

    The only thing I could add is to use I statements, i.e. "I feel that my trust has been betrayed!" or " I feel that this situation is getting out of hand and we need to talk!"

    Stay calm and use effective listening skills.

    Good luck

  5. #5

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    Thank you all for the kind encouragement, advice, and sympathetic vibes. I do love my husband, very much. I am willing to work things through if he is willing to regain my trust by respecting my boundaries and me as his wife. It's hard when children are involved, previously I would have just walked. But we have a 2 year old daughter, so these decisions we will be making don't just effect our lives as a married couple, it effects our daughter's life forevermore. With that being said, I truly do love him but I also love and respect myself and the example our relationship portrays to our daughter.

  6. #6

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    In rereading your posts. It sounds to me like he's thinking of you as a doormat. It's really actually a little pathetic if you ask me. You already told him that you find this behavior on acceptable when he adds in other people. Yet he's going to do it anyway. You already give him whatever he wants even when you're not comfortable with it. I've never met the guy. But I am 95% certain that if he's done this before, he will do it, and continue to do it again. Think of your daughter. She's growing up with a mommy is a doormat.
    Actually reversed that. My tongue got ahead of my words.
    By all means, tell him what you found out. Don't expected to change though. It sounds like he's pretty set in his ways.
    Like with any of these stories I'm curious to hear the other side, don't expect it though.

  7. #7

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    I'm sorry you're in a relationship with little trust and deceit. If you want this marriage to continue, and it sounds like you do, I suggest marriage counseling. If he refuses to go then you can go by himself to possibly get a better understanding of your husband's obsessiveness with his behavior. Best wishes and keep us posted.

  8. #8

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    To be honest, he is basically cheating on you. it may not be a sexual kind of cheating, but it is emotional adultery for you and he needs to hear that. He should also be reminded that there is tie to act like a little boy, but there are also times to man up and be a good husband and father. He needs to daddy his daughter before anyone else. Perhaps point him to this thread so he realizes how impacted you are by his actions. I also agree marriage counciling may be a viable option if just talking it out is not enough to convince him to start changing his ways. Keep us posted.

  9. #9

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    Sometimes fetishes get out of hand, out of balance, and his has. When this happens, some sort of psychological intervention is most likely needed. I think he's the one who needs to see a psychologist. He's putting his marriage at risk and the relationship he has as a father with his daughter. He needs to be confronted with that truth. What is more important to him, playing daddy with some other guy, or having a loving family relationship? I certainly would say that to him.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by AgentVixenJ View Post
    Thank you all for the kind encouragement, advice, and sympathetic vibes. I do love my husband, very much. I am willing to work things through if he is willing to regain my trust by respecting my boundaries and me as his wife. It's hard when children are involved, previously I would have just walked. But we have a 2 year old daughter, so these decisions we will be making don't just effect our lives as a married couple, it effects our daughter's life forevermore. With that being said, I truly do love him but I also love and respect myself and the example our relationship portrays to our daughter.
    I don't think I can add much to what has already been said. I agree with the previous posts. I hope you and your husband can work it out.

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