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Thread: relationship advice again :/

  1. #1

    Unhappy relationship advice again :/

    alrighty. so i know ive posted about my girlfriend before and how we have had our issues in the past. Now another lil issue has arisen. btw my girlfriend and I are 1 month away from being together 3 years.

    anyway, so we had a stupid argument the other night, which led me leaving her house around 2:30am and going home. the next day we didnt talk till around 4ish in the afternoon and she said she was really hurt and everything. I wouldnt say i have an anger problem in this situation, I just really wanted to sleep that night so i got really cranky, but i mean I should learn to control my anger a little differently then I usually take it, i think it comes from my dad. So we had an argument on the phone and after we ended a call abruptly she text me saying "I don't want to do this, I dont want to be like this, i need time and I dont want to talk for a bit." NOW, most people would take that as a, 'i'm going to break it off with you soon,' and thats how I took it. So i sent back to her "fine, break up with me, because if your not willing to chance and i'm not willing to change nothing will."

    After not talking for a couple of hours she text me saying for me to come over. So when I got over there she was fine and she WASNT going to break up with me, but lets rewind to what I was thinking before i went over there. I started to think about what it was like to be single again. the independence, the going to parties alone and meeting people there blah blah. I don't know, I miss it. i'm not writing this to ask if I should break up with her, i know thats up to me. Sorry about the bold I just wanted to point that out there. And so that night we had a talk about how i thought she was going to break up with me, THEN she got the idea that I wanted her to break up with her because I thought about how good it would be to be single again (i was a little bit). *anyway this is the question. I told her at one stage that even though we are together now, I want to break up in the future, because I dont want to be with someone all through my 20s. Was it wrong for me to say this? I feel really bad because she said she doesnt know what the point is of being in a relationship that ultimately will one day lead to heartbreak. We're still together but over the last day she has been very touchy with how she treats me, like even if a tv show is on and ill be like i dont want to watch that and she'll be like but i want to, then she'll quickly turn around and be like OH no no, we can watch what you want. I duno I just kind of feel bad.

    maybe this relationship is slowly coming to an end. This is maybe like the 3rd time we've had issues involving this. at one stage we took a break for a week (no communication whatsoever) because the relationship started feeling like we were just best friends.

    SORRY as well. This seems to have turned into more of a rant, and please forgive me, I don't have many friends to talk to this about, thats probably why it is so long :/

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by clip12 View Post
    . i'm not writing this to ask if I should break up with her, i know thats up to me. Sorry about the bold I just wanted to point that out there. And so that night we had a talk about how i thought she was going to break up with me, THEN she got the idea that I wanted her to break up with her because I thought about how good it would be to be single again (i was a little bit). *anyway this is the question. I told her at one stage that even though we are together now, I want to break up in the future, because I dont want to be with someone all through my 20s. Was it wrong for me to say this?
    You don't want to break up with her but yet you do in the future? To be blunt, yes that probably wasn't the best thing to say.

    What do you want? Do you want her in your life? You said you don't have many friends but want to experience the single life again. I didn't have many friends in my 20's either and found it very hard to socialize outside of my small circle of friends.
    I was single for many, many years longing for a long term relationship. I have had one for many years now and I don't want to be single again, I know that. It sounds appealing, but the building of a relationship takes a lot of time and trust.

    You need to talk to her and ask each other what you want. If you're not committed to each other, then in all fairness, maybe you should probably end the relationship. Sorry to be blunt. Just my opinion.
    Last edited by Scaramouche; 10-Apr-2014 at 06:57.

  3. #3

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    Whoa man.... Some serious thinking required. This is a person your talking about not a convenience. Please don't lead her up the garden path. Some of the things you've said could be really hurtful. Naturally she's gonna act weird if your being like that. You need to sort your self out and be honest and considerate with her....just saying.

  4. #4

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    ozbub - what do you mean by convenience?

    Isn't it ok for me to want to be single in the future? Please dont take this like I was being a dick. We have both talked to each other about it over coffee at a cafe a couple of months back and everything was fine. and another example that I wasnt being mean was that as soon as we finished talking about this we were fine with each other (on the outside at least.) I know what we both want and we've explained to each other (before we talked about this). I mean I'm not planning on leading her up the garden path (never heard that one before :3), if i was I wouldnt mention any of this. But isnt it alright for me as a person to state what I want in my life? If she really didn't like what I had to say, she could have broken up with me there and then.

    Again, please dont think i'm some prick. this was a mature conversation that we both went through, not just me stating this and that and her listening.

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    oh, and I dont want to be single just because i would get to have sex with other girls.

  5. #5

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    It's ok I thought that might come off a bit strong. I didn't mean to suggest you were a prick. I was just concerned that maybe you weren't considering her feelings enough. I was just going on what you posted. It's all good.

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    I guess I just know how vulnerable people are in relationships, and often what we say or do can bounce back at us in unexpected ways. Hope it works out for the best.... If it feels too much for you then perhaps you should give it a break. Just be sure that she knows exactly what your position is, and why. Also remember that people usually take what you say literally and also the things you a say will always be heard in the context of their thinking at the time, which can mean they can read you the wrong way.
    Like I said good luck, you've obviously had a good long friendship there.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by clip12 View Post
    Isn't it ok for me to want to be single in the future? Please dont take this like I was being a dick. ...

    Don't want to be a dick, but acting like one.

    Sorry to put this so bloody blunt.

    I'm in a relationship and have been for the past 12 years... and trust me, it is not always all easy. but is it worth it? absolutely. my Girl is PART OF MY LIFE, Part of my Family - she's my love. and the very same can be said the other way around.

    Now YOU - tell her that at one point in your 20ies (which would be soon, as you're already 20) you WANT TO BREAK up for no obvious reason other than that you'd like to be single. Total douche-move.
    Honestly I can't get my sympathy rating high up for anyone who basically plays with another person's "heart".

    YOU need to make your mind up lad, whether a relationship is what you want... and if not at least have the balls to break it up properly....
    Your action though is like "I'm so great a company, that she will of course stick with me, even though I act like an arse"... and that rarely ends well.
    As I've said: make up your mind... do you want her in your life or not... if you stick with the "at one point in my 20ies..." then man up and put an end to that relationship or at least don't be surprised if she treats you less kind.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by EPO1 View Post
    Don't want to be a dick, but acting like one.

    Sorry to put this so bloody blunt.

    I'm in a relationship and have been for the past 12 years... and trust me, it is not always all easy. but is it worth it? absolutely. my Girl is PART OF MY LIFE, Part of my Family - she's my love. and the very same can be said the other way around.

    Now YOU - tell her that at one point in your 20ies (which would be soon, as you're already 20) you WANT TO BREAK up for no obvious reason other than that you'd like to be single. Total douche-move.
    Honestly I can't get my sympathy rating high up for anyone who basically plays with another person's "heart".

    YOU need to make your mind up lad, whether a relationship is what you want... and if not at least have the balls to break it up properly....
    Your action though is like "I'm so great a company, that she will of course stick with me, even though I act like an arse"... and that rarely ends well.
    As I've said: make up your mind... do you want her in your life or not... if you stick with the "at one point in my 20ies..." then man up and put an end to that relationship or at least don't be surprised if she treats you less kind.
    well i completely disagree with you. I think that was pretty rude. As i said we've both had plenty of talks about this, which we both just continue on with our lives straight after. bringing your life into it wont help either, we are different people. Congratulations on your relationship, it doesnt affect me.

    Sorry to be so blunt.

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    thankyou ozbub

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by clip12 View Post
    well i completely disagree with you. I think that was pretty rude. As i said we've both had plenty of talks about this, which we both just continue on with our lives straight after. bringing your life into it wont help either, we are different people. Congratulations on your relationship, it doesnt affect me.

    Sorry to be so blunt.

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    thankyou ozbub

    yeah, nice way of handling valid critique ... btw.

    But aside from that... sorry to say, but your actions considering your relationship are immature at best, but far more crucial your actions have HURT the feelings of another person, the very person you claim to love.
    IF that isn't enough reason to at least do some serious soul searching / self-reflection than honestly you are beyond the help myself and others can offer.
    it's a simple human thing - telling another person you eventually want to quit might not get her off the rails at first... there's thoughts like "he's going to change his mind once he knows me better, etc.".... it's just human-emotion. And yet your action basically dooms the relationship from day one.
    To be frank, if my GF would tell me such a thing and some serious talk would bring clarity and a decision, I'd be walking out of that relationship asap.

    But you somehow seem to take it for granted that your gf just should put up with your antics and still behave like normal.
    Sorry to be blunt again, but life doesn't work that way. And you're about to learn that lesson first hand I guess.
    Feel free to dislike me for every word I have said, I can easily live with that, as it is my honest opinion and you can do with it as you please.

  9. #9

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    To be blunt, Get the Fuck over yourself !! Look three years and not married !! Real that lure in and cast it out somewhere else. Or better yet you need to do some mental evaluation !! Obviously you have no clue how a relationship works !! It's not about what the world has put a definition on love really is. It's about being able to put up with that personal physically, mentally, and emotionally !! You gone about this whole situation wrong. Look if I were you I would tell her straight up, "look I'm a complete dumbass, who has no respect for you and this relationship won't have any forward progression because I will not put any effort in doing so !" Look put your big boy pants on and start seeing life through your eyes and not what's portrayed. Geez man I'm younger than you and I got my life together you need to so the same thing.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by drewx View Post
    To be blunt, Get the Fuck over yourself !! Look three years and not married !! Real that lure in and cast it out somewhere else. Or better yet you need to do some mental evaluation !! Obviously you have no clue how a relationship works !! It's not about what the world has put a definition on love really is. It's about being able to put up with that personal physically, mentally, and emotionally !! You gone about this whole situation wrong. Look if I were you I would tell her straight up, "look I'm a complete dumbass, who has no respect for you and this relationship won't have any forward progression because I will not put any effort in doing so !" Look put your big boy pants on and start seeing life through your eyes and not what's portrayed. Geez man I'm younger than you and I got my life together you need to so the same thing.
    wow that was some good ranting wasnt it drewx?

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    obviously this was a bad idea. Lets just start of my saying, NONE of you know me, NONE of you know what I look like, what kind of person I am, how I handle relationships, how my girlfriend handles her relationships. this is ridiculous the amount of judgement is in here. I came here looking for some advice, which i'm grateful for, NOT to be pushed into the ground because of how I wrote it. I can handle criticism, but as I said not when it's like this.

    If you really had such a big deal with what I said why the hell would you comment in the first place. There is only 1 person in here that can understand the fact that MAYBE I had a hard time writing something and really tried my hardest to address that I was not a prick.


    Thanks for the help guys, really really appreciate it!

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