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Thread: Thinking of "coming out" as ABDL to my parents

  1. #1

    Post Thinking of "coming out" as ABDL to my parents

    I know it probably sounds like a completely stupid thing to do and sounds like something you would do for attention but it's something I've been thinking about for quite a while now.

    For me, ABDL isn't a sexual thing and I know it's wrong to say that ABDL is a coping mechanism because it isn't just something that you use to cope with everyday situations but for me, my ABDL personality does help me get through daily struggles and I think it also helps to keep my mind at a safe place. When I go in to "little mode," I feel like I've just jumped off the planet and went somewhere that nobody else is allowed to go, I can do anything I want (within reason) and more importantly to me, I don't need to worry about my bad balance problems and bowel problems because "1 year old" can't control that stuff so it doesn't become a problem.

    The reason I want to tell my parents, other than because I still live with them is because of my medical problems. I have been wearing, mainly at night because of my bowel problems but there has been times where I've wore without any problems and I have been found out (that has happened because mum has thrown stuff in the bin outside after I've thrown away used nappies) and then mum gets worried that I'm not coping with my problems and they are getting me upset and things become awkward for a while.

    The last thing I want is for my family to think that my problems are becoming unbearable and that I'd rather hide in my room than talk to them about what is going on. I was offered an Ileostomy operation at the end of last year and I have an appointment this month with the surgeon to discus my decision and move forward from there which is another reason I want to "come out" to my parents. Note: I haven't been put in this position as a result of playing up my problems. My doctor said that with my colon not moving, this is the only option left.

    I think the hardest part of telling my parents about it will be the worry that they think I've been pretending my problems are worse than they are. I still haven't decided how I'm going to tell anyone or even bring up the conversation but hopefully I'll find a way soon.

  2. #2

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    The major questions that I have always felt that younger AB/Dl's need to ask themselves in this situation are as follows:
    1. What do you hope to gain by telling your parents? You didn't really explain that well, do you want them to stop worrying about you? Telling them that regressing to a child-like state relieves your stress levels may do nothing but increase theirs. Then again I don't know your parents that well. When my parents ask why I haven't had many relationships I don't answer,"I have really unusual fetishes and finding a woman that can accept those things isn't easy." I tell them that I am a picky man, and am looking for love.
    2. Is the gain that you hope to get larger than the potential negative response from your parents? This is something to think bout once you have really defined what you want. If it comes down to the fact that you just need the acceptance of the people who love you that is completely normal. The next question is are they more likely to accept what you are telling them and be happy for you or are they more likely to worry about your well being and try to get involved. Honestly this is one of the main reasons I never told my parents. I have no doubt that they would accept me for who I was, especially when I explain that it has already been discussed with a therapist. I have no doubt that they would offer to pay for me to get a second opinion.
    3. Do they really need to know or would you just prefer that they did so that they wouldn't walk in on you? This ties into the other questions but it bears repeating there is no going back from telling them. If it all boils down to the fact that you are worried they might catch you, just be honest with them when the time comes.

    To round up my post and bring it to a point. Telling your parents about things like this isn't usually a good idea, you make it sound like you are in a slightly unique situation. But I would say you need to spend a lot more time going over the pros and cons. If you want some more advise I would flush out why you need to tell them a bit more in your post. Having problems with balance and your bowels isn't exactly descriptive. Do you have an illness or health issue that causes these things? Also if your parents have found used diapers before how did you react when confronted?

  3. #3

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    These things I have always tried to keep on a need to know basis only such as your spouse/partner etc. Once you let the genie out of the bottle you cant put her back in.

  4. #4

  5. #5

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    I can't improve on Bear's advise. I think that only you know and understand your parents, but from what you've said, it sounds like they are already worried. From what you've written, I get the feeling that they would not be supportive, so I think you need to think about this a little more before revealing. Personally, I would wait until after your operation. If the operation is successful, you may feel differently, and as Bear said, once told, you can't go back.

  6. #6

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    Thank you everyone for your replies. I was going to reply one by one to what has been posted but it seems that everyone has a similar opinion to this.

    Edits:
    What do my parents know about my medical side? My parents know every detail when it comes to my problems. Mum comes to all of my hospital appointments and knows about the surgery and both my mum and dad know that I have used diapers as a way to cope with accidents happening.
    Why do you want to tell them/why is it causing stress? The easiest explanation is that because at a few of my appointments with various doctors for different problems my mum (after being asked how she thinks I'm coping with everything) has said that she doesn't think I'm coping very well with everything that's going on. She mentioned that I'm not comfortable around family and that I spend most of my time hiding in my room when family come to visit and when there's just us at home I don't speak much and keep diverting from the subject of my problems and why I keep hiding from everyone.

    *I'll be making a second reply to this once I get my head around a few things*

    - - - Updated - - -

    @ForeverSmall Thank you, I've been looking at this site for a while now, it was one of the things that made me think a bit more clearly about telling my parents about it and think more about what to say and what to leave out.



    Quote Originally Posted by Bear View Post
    The major questions that I have always felt that younger AB/Dl's need to ask themselves in this situation are as follows:
    1. What do you hope to gain by telling your parents? You didn't really explain that well, do you want them to stop worrying about you? Telling them that regressing to a child-like state relieves your stress levels may do nothing but increase theirs. Then again I don't know your parents that well. When my parents ask why I haven't had many relationships I don't answer,"I have really unusual fetishes and finding a woman that can accept those things isn't easy." I tell them that I am a picky man, and am looking for love.
    2. Is the gain that you hope to get larger than the potential negative response from your parents? This is something to think bout once you have really defined what you want. If it comes down to the fact that you just need the acceptance of the people who love you that is completely normal. The next question is are they more likely to accept what you are telling them and be happy for you or are they more likely to worry about your well being and try to get involved. Honestly this is one of the main reasons I never told my parents. I have no doubt that they would accept me for who I was, especially when I explain that it has already been discussed with a therapist. I have no doubt that they would offer to pay for me to get a second opinion.
    3. Do they really need to know or would you just prefer that they did so that they wouldn't walk in on you? This ties into the other questions but it bears repeating there is no going back from telling them. If it all boils down to the fact that you are worried they might catch you, just be honest with them when the time comes.

    To round up my post and bring it to a point. Telling your parents about things like this isn't usually a good idea, you make it sound like you are in a slightly unique situation. But I would say you need to spend a lot more time going over the pros and cons. If you want some more advise I would flush out why you need to tell them a bit more in your post. Having problems with balance and your bowels isn't exactly descriptive. Do you have an illness or health issue that causes these things? Also if your parents have found used diapers before how did you react when confronted?
    I know that my situation isn't exactly unique and at some point, most people have battled with the idea of telling someone about this and for some people it's been a bad thing to tell people about it. Sorry for the lack of description with my problems, I kinda rushed the post. My bowel problems are something I've struggled with since I was 5. I've went through several treatments that haven't worked. I was told by my doctor that for most of my life my colon hasn't been working properly which has caused problems with impaction and leaks and after the amount of time this has been going on, he said basically my colon doesn't work any more and has probably been like that for a number of years.
    My balance problems have recently been diagnosed as a rare form of Gait Disorder most likely caused by the problems I have and the surgery from when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour. He doesn't know what to do next with that since what he originally wanted to do isn't available where I live due to funding. The problems that causes for me is basic movement. Trying to walk is quite fun, I either jitter like mad or I fall over which has also caused problems getting to the toilet.

  7. #7

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    Other posts in this topic are tl;dr but I would advise you to not to do it. These things are so personal that I believe should be kept that way, the need to tell someone about it should be used on a real partner or a really good friend. You wouldn't want to hear your parents telling you about their sexual fetishes?

  8. #8

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    In most cases, I wouldn't recommend telling parents for the various reasons of privacy that others have mentioned above...

    But, given the fact that your parents are concerned about you spending time in your room, and of your medical condition... and seeing as you sound quite close to them, I can understand how they might be a little worried about you, and anxious that might make you feel.

    I think I can see what you hope to gain by telling your parents: you'd relieve them of worry (and yourself of guilt for "making them" worry), and you'd be able to draw a dignified line between how open you are with your parents about your medical condition, and how open you are with being ABDL.

    Every situation is unique, so I think it really depends on how well you think your parents will react, and what (and how) exactly you tell them. If your parents are likely to become more concerned about you, or might want to interfere in some way, then it would probably be a bad idea to tell them anything. If they can be trusted to be understanding and discrete, then you probably don't need to go into details even if you do say something. Some things are best left unsaid and done only behind closed doors.

    MAYBE(!) you could say that you have been wearing nappies a bit more recently, and that you're only bringing this up because you really don't want your parents to worry... And perhaps say something about how calm and relaxed you sometimes feel when wearing them... Maybe mention something about how, even though you don't always think you need nappies, it just feels "reassuring" to know you're protected and, they often make you feel more relaxed and less "stressed out" (i.e. avoid referring to them as a "fetish" [not that they necessarily are anyway!] -- you don't want to "weird out" your parents!).

    You could say that normally you'd keep such things private, but, since they know so much anyway, you just didn't want them to worry about you unnecessarily. Maybe you could ask for their understanding and discretion... Or say that, while they might not understand, you knew that you could trust them with such personal information, and despite being terribly embarrassed, you really didn't want them to worry about you. (If you get in quick and tell them how uncomfortable you feel about telling them, then maybe, IF they feel uncomfortable, they'll be sympathetic to the fact that you're all in this uncomfortable position together, rather than becoming angry and blaming you for making them feel uncomfortable...)

    IF it all works out, then I definitely wouldn't flaunt your ABDL-ness or suddenly wear nappies all the time or do anything that will stand out as "ABDL behaviour". The "blind eye toleration" or "don't ask; don't tell" approach generally works best. Being ABDL should be a private matter (as far as parents are concerned).

    It's always going to be a gamble! And (as I've never told anyone except my psychotherapist) I'm hardly in any position to talk! I think my parents knew and... it was just something that was never mentioned. Anyway... only you can gauge the odds of "success" and whether you could bear a "failure" and whether the risk is worth taking... Good luck whatever you choose to do, though!

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