As some of you may or may not have noticed, I haven't been on here for a while.
Oh I can assure you, it hasn't been for sheer lack of being busy. Truth be told, I did move a few weeks ago, but that didn't take a whole lot of time. My social life is as free as it always has been. Nothing changed with my employment. I have actually felt more freedom, honestly, more liberated. It is rare anymore when a 22 year old can get out and have the means to live independently.
Before I bore all of you by being extremely redundant, let me cut right to the chase. I tried a great purge. It failed. Now I'm back.
Allow me to explain myself. Before "The Great Purge" occurred, I was really into my AB/DL side. I had about 20 diapers on hand, not to mention a stock of about 37 Goodnites, both boys and girls. I had two pacifiers, and had even invested in some baby powder. I was leaning heavily into the whole "Should there be an LB category" here on ADISC. It seemed as though I had finally came to terms with who I was. It felt incredible. The sky was the limit.
Then, all of a sudden, the dam burst. The guilt trip gates threw themselves wide open, and out of nowhere, it seemed, I was hit with a wave of remorse. I looked at my stockpile, and was all of a sudden disgusted with myself, and who/what I had become. I almost visualized myself as a monster. I grabbed all of my stuff, and tore it up. Ripped it to shreds. I cut up my pacifiers. I threw it all away, and it was gone, it seemed. Gone out of my life. Gone forever, like a great weight had been lifted off of my chest. I felt better.
But yet, it seems, things have a funny way of working themselves out. For the last four months, I felt that there was a small part missing. Almost like I had intentionally ripped out a piece of my heart, and burned it. In a weird way, I felt insecure. But why? Why after all of that, did I feel funny?
As I sit here, typing his, I just ordered some Bambino Classico diapers. I also ordered a really swell pair of tie dye footie pajamas, and I can't wait to wear the two together. I can almost feel how incredible it will be.The truth is, I can't answer why I felt I had to go through a great purge cycle. I don't know why I feel that I am on the verge of a binge. I just can't answer those questions.
What I can do, though, is re-embrace the side of myself I once knew and loved. No matter how long it lasts. I feel a new wave breaking, a wave of joy and peace. I feel like running into it and falling into it.
I do need to apologize, however. To myself, and also to all of my friends and family on here. For thinking that I was above wearing diapers, and acting like a baby again. For being a self righteous hypocrite. For thinking that I could beat down this part of myself, and hide it in a deep, dark hole. It wasn't fair to me, and it wasn't fair to any of us who truly embrace this lifestyle and consider it a part of our being. I truly am sorry.
I am back on ADISC now, for the first time in 4 months, and intend on picking things up right where they left off. Jumping into some discussions, talking about our day to day routines, our jobs, family, etc.
I'm back now. Hopefully to stay.