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Thread: post-caught depression?

  1. #1

    Default post-caught depression?

    if you read this
    http://www.adisc.org/forum/blogs/but...es-linger.html
    itll help make sense of what i will discuss.
    mostly it has to do with the emotions and felling after being caught. last year was a year filled with paranoia when at home, and whenever my father would wanna talk about any heavy topics i would become instantly very angry, like he was an enemy. and it stayed that way for most of it, my mom even accused me of intentionally avoiding him in the house (its big so i can) and asked if i did not want a relationship with him. obviously i do because he is my father and i must honor him and my mother, but whenever i see them i can't help but feel all the emotions that i felt during the days of and following being caught; fear, regret, anger, a feeling of violation (my privacy), and anger for all the things and people i lost in the aftermath.

    my mind instantly goes to those thoughts when he or she starts asking questions or discusses heavy topics, and i cant help but always feel it in the back of my mind. you two stripped me of many liberties simply on the basis of identity exploration and deception, with no remorse for your unethical actions such as sending emails to my contacts telling them to never talk to me again, deleting my facebook page and all 600+ friends that i had, along with some pretty epic photos i had taken, destroying my BB Torch and all the data inside, monitoring what type of music i listen to... i could go on, but i wont, since even now i feel the lure of such thoughts. i still get angry at random things sometimes, and rather quickly. if a door wont open then i'll pull and push trying to pry it. if a cable wont unplug right i'll suddenly yank on it knowing itll break but in the moment i just want it to do what i say. when the glove box in the car wouldnt open because it was so full of stuff and i pulled till something inside broke and it opened, these were all signs that i had a lot of bottled misdirected anger, that even all the nights i spend at Tae Kwon Do can't vent out of me.

    i know i should forgive them, as they have forgiven me for my actions. i dont want to be angry at them. obviously they dont approve of any of this and they believe i've walked away from it, but i still want to let go of my anger towards what happened. it would be so easy for me to continue to wallow in self-pity and feel angry by deflecting blame off myself, choosing to see them as the cause for all the ensuing misery when it was my lack of discretion that led to the calamity.
    has anyone else experienced similar feelings after being caught? was i depressed? am i still depressed? am i the only one who has so much bottled anger in regards to this stuff that i can't even think about diapers and panties and being a baby without feeling angry rebellious thoughts since i knows its prohibited?

    jeez even my writing style seems to reflect the meloncholy poet that i tend to be when discussing morose subjects...

  2. #2

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    I'm so sorry you are having these problems. I don't have anger as much as fear and anxiety. You are not alone don't forget that. As a parent I would not want my kid to be into anything not normal (like me). Not because I'm a hypocrit, but because I love him and don't want him to go through what I have.

    Your parents my have way over reacted, but they love you or such an over reaction would not have been possible. If my son didn't want to talk to me it would kill me inside. The damage is done they know what they know, try to talk. Good luck to you...hope it works out.

  3. #3

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    This is going to be difficult but there's no other way around it. If your parents still bother you about this you need to tell them to get used to it because being a AB/DL is a part of who and what you are and it will never go away even if you want it to. The fact of the matter is there is nothing subjectively wrong being a AB/DL. I have a few links here that might help you deal with this problem

    ABDL*-phobia and Misconceptions About ABDL*s - ABout ABDL
    Information For Parents Of ABDL Children/Teens - ABout ABDL
    How To Be An Ally - ABout ABDL
    Coming Out - ABout ABDL
    http://aboutabdl.weebly.com/how-not-to-come-out.html

    I know this is scary. Your parents are just reacting out of fear and if you don't explain the situation to them in a rational manner that fear will most likely damage you as a person for years to come. I would suggest you get a therapist and have that therapist help you with explain the situation to your parents after you have talked about it for some time. You are 18 now and what you do on your own time is your own business. Your parents are hurting you because of their fear. Do not feel ashamed for what you had to do because they had no right to put you in this situation and to even dare use it against you like this because it is not healthy. You should forgive them but they need to learn to respect you as a person and to start getting used to this as well

    Do you live at their house? By all means respect their rules but I would recommend you leave as soon as possible if they continue to hurt you like this because of the damage they have done. I would suggest that you tell your parents in a kind voice that they are not bad parents just because your a AB/DL and that this was going to happen regardless of what anyone wanted. Make sure you tell them that you still love them and that you are the same person you where before your parents found out that you where a AB/DL. Also whatever you do not get angry or insult him either but be honest with him. But you are a human being and wielding fear against someone like that is not healthy and does more harm then good. Please feel free to Private message me if you have any questions.

  4. #4

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    I know the feelings you talk about. My parents were not as controlling as yours appear to have been, but they did a few things that I was very angry about. My parents went through my texts when I noticed my phone was at home and asked them if they could bring it to me, then blocked contacts that they found associated with my little side. They intercepted my mail, breaking promises that they wouldn't. They bagged and hid my cloth diapers when they found them after I had them in the drier, just so I would have to talk to my mom about it. They constantly left messages of "encouragement" not to "give up on my potential" which made me sick, using my own religion against me, on something that I didn't think offended god at all. They did plenty of crap that just made media used with them for a while. It felt awful to feel this way about my parents, but I don't feel that way very much any more.

    I think the two things that helped me most was, one, moving out, sometimes it's easier to get along when you only see each other when you want to. Second, is recognizing ways to blame society for giving you parents misconceptions on what they should do in your situation.

    It sounds weird, but for me it helped to re-direct my anger on something else that wasn't my parents. It was easier for me because I could see a direct connection on how my parents were raised in the church I belonged to, and the ignorance that guided their actions, so I just blamed the source that I could see that taught my parents to be the way they were being. That answer might not always work, but I think you can say that if your parents generation were a society that had been more open minded, then your parents might have been more open minded to. I think that contributes to some of it, it seems like a huge chunk of people that are a bit older had a bit more strict of a society in trying to achieve the American ideal life, and that the only way of being happy was to have some advertised way of life. I know that it is a huge generalization to say that all of the people of their age were that way, but you can see the trend of society moving towards a lot more open minded-ness than it used to be, so I think you can safely blame society for your parents being jerks.

  5. #5

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    Great advise from above, especially Tyger. I would urge you to find someone whom you can talk to, maybe a counselor or even a therapist. Anger, if it gets out of control, can be very destructive, especially self destructive. I had my issues growing up, and I had some good reasons. I had a best friend, and I think that helped. I could never talk to my parents because we simply were at odds. I had my world, and they had theirs.

    Opening lines of rational communication might help you, perhaps with your mom? If not, find someone who is a good listener, and who might be a help to you.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by Butterscotch View Post
    am i the only one who has so much bottled anger in regards to this stuff that i can't even think about diapers and panties and being a baby without feeling angry rebellious thoughts since i knows its prohibited?
    Butterscotch, I am so sorry to hear that you have had to go through all of this. First and foremost, I think you should realize that you have every right to be angry. I understand that anger alone won't help you move on with your life, but that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid or worth having. Having to hide a part of yourself is the cause of your depression and anger. No amount of blowing up on things or self-loathing will help you feel any better because you're still being something that you are saying you're not. You and your parents need to talk, and you both need to hear each other's piece.

    Now I know people are telling you not to get into an argument with your parents and that you shouldn't fight them, especially if you have to live in their house under their rules, and especially because they're your parents. But just because they're your parents doesn't mean you have to be blindly obedient to them 100% of the time. You're all human beings and they can't force you to change into something you're not. By putting on this show to be something they expect you to be rather than who you actually are, you are only lying to them and telling them that it's okay for them to try to change you when they feel the whim to. That's NOT okay! You can't just decide to not be angry at them anymore because that's just sweeping your emotions under the rug and that's what's causing this pain.

    It's okay to hurt. It's normal and human to feel depressed when your personality is being crushed under the expectations of what they want you to be rather than the acceptance of who you actually are. Don't feel like you're being irrational by feeling this way. You're just being a human being, and that's okay! If your mom asks you if you want a relationship with your dad, tell her your real feelings. Tell her you love them both and you want a relationship with them, but ask them to step in your shoes for a minute. Ask them if they want a relationship with you, or the person they want you to be. Because apparently those are two very different people from the way you are describing it.

    If I could right now I would give you a big hug. It breaks my heart to see parents try to change their children from who they actually are, even if it is done out of love. The road to hell is paved on good intentions like these. You're not an animal to be trained to their obedience. You are a human being. You are a person with your own thoughts and feelings and passions and no amount of people pleasing is going to change that. But if your parents won't listen to you, take all this great advice you've already received and find someone else to open up to.

    Before you can let go, you have to accept the truth. You have to open up and find yourself. And then, you need to be yourself. When you've done this, you will be ready to talk to your parents about your true feelings. And when you talk to them, stand your ground. Be ready for a fight. Don't fight out of anger but out of love, for them and yourself. Fight so they can see how passionate you are about being yourself. Fight so you can all realize that these feelings are normal and shouldn't be tossed aside or bottled up. But a fight doesn't mean you insult each other. A fight doesn't have to involve yelling at each other or breaking things or storming off in anger. In fact, those won't help you at all. A fight just needs to be you defending yourself and your rights against their oppression of your self. Don't cater to their expectations by being something your not.

    You say they want you to be manly? A man isn't measured by the clothes he wears or the music he listens to. A man stands up for himself and his beliefs/character. A man doesn't give in to pressure to be something he's not or do something he knows isn't right. Stand up for yourself Butterscotch. Be the man you know you are, not the man they expect you to be.

  7. #7

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    thank you all, i've given all inputs some deep thought, but i have to clarify their position as well.

    my parents grew up in poverty, in Central America. dad pretty much has accomplished the american immigrant's dream of coming to the US and becoming rich, and both my mom and dad were raised in the church, and so was i. however, their church was down there so it was a lot stricter. and i forgot if i mentioned it in my blog-ography up top, but they did send me to a therapist, a Christian therapist, and he had never heard of this stuff before and it was a horrible ordeal that lasted up until around late august of last year.

    i understand the reasons for wanting me to talk to them directly about how i feel, but my answer to that specific step is this; this stuff caused them pain, regardless if it had grounds to, and if i'm to honor my father and mother i cannot cause them more pain, and so i have to pretend in order that we may all be somewhat peaceful at home (as peaceful as it can get i suppose). it is an odd sort of lie, the type created out of love.

    and as for the part about being under their roof and whatnot, i have a job opportunity coming up this summer contingent that i do not go to school during that time, and theyre sending me to a Christian school this fall in New York, so i'll be away from them for a while and can think and find out about myself and not have to worry about his confrontations and stuff.

    a friend here knows, and she sort of understands but we dont really talk about it, though that may be because its not really relevant in out conversations that much. also, i met a girl here (friend of a friend) and have become a sort of mistress since she has a boyfriend but she loves cuddling me and being very mommy-ish with me, but i havent told her. thats why i come here, to talk to ya'll so i dont have to tell friends in the real world lol

    i guess i'm not so mad about that, more just about all the ridiculous things mentioned towards the end of my blog entry, which resulted in the loss of thousands of dollars worth of stuff and tons of contacts. however, this somewhat works out. think about it; doesnt everyone have secret stuff they do as a teen? some do drugs, some have secret romances, or some are into abnormal things. this provides me with that fix, of the need to be a rebel mixed with the thrill of doing cladenstine undertakings.

  8. #8

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    I had talked to my parents about it back when i had the problems i told you about, but since then, after having moved out, I have pretty much had to fake it with them. They are not really aware if i still take part in my little side or not, but I have had to fake my relationship with my families church too. Not saying you should follow my example, but after my experience with my religious leaders, and also christian psychologist that i went to because of my parents (which was hell, I felt like he was trying to manipulate me the whole time), I kind of lost my faith in my families religion. My sister, who knows about my little side now, and also feels the same about my families religion but my parents don't know, has talked to my mom, while my mom tells about how they worry about me making it to heaven, and my mom cries on the phone during the whole thing.
    My mom actually cried a lot during our disputes as well, trying to get me to change, trying to show to me how much she cared about me.
    It hurt, because I didn't want to hurt my mom at all, but i also didn't want to lose my individuality and become what i could see was a cookie cutter person that some of the people around me were trying to make me become.
    The last psychologist that i talked to who was really intelligent, and just all around great to go to, agreed that sometimes you have to fake it because you care about others, and you don't want to loose your relationship with them. That doesn't mean that you are the one responsible for the relationship struggling though. I have to blame it back to society, because your parents are not mentally thinking "Hey, i want to force my child to be like me," they just figure that their way of life has worked out pretty well for them, so they figure it is the best way for you, that, and many religions teach that those who don't follow their ideas will go to hell, so that isn't great.
    Essentially, sorrow for something that they can't validate as being true (religion is based on faith not evidence) thinking that you are going to hell, they naturally don't want you too, so their emotions become a tool for trying to force you into submission. Its not their fault, its just that they have been taught to think that way (Note: emotions could be crying, or enforcement as a sense of duty to guard you from 'evil').

    All i can really say is, you are probably right in not confronting your parents too much, you should however stand your ground on simple principle things. If they are invading your cell phone or facebook, that isn't right, not at your age where you deserve your privacy. If they are trying to stop you from your fetish/lifestyle, well that isn't right either, but to them, it is a religious responsibility, so in their minds, this isn't much different than trying to help you stop any other addiction(even though this is less of an addiction, and more of a personal identity). You might have to fake it to them about who you are, at least some, I have to to keep up my relationship with my mom. However, them invading your personal space is an invasion of your privacy, and breaker of your trust. They should know that. When i told my parents I was offended that they went through my texts and blocked my contacts, they eventually said they were sorry. They will probably never say they are sorry for oppressing your ab/dl side, but it isn't hard to recognize when you are going beyond the line with invasion of privacy.

    You may or may not have told them that they have no right in doing the things that they did, but i really think you should from here on out. It might hurt them to realize they are being invasive, but they should know that. They don't have to know you still like diapers and whatnot, but they should know that they are breaking a basic human right to have some privacy to ones own mind.

    Just my thoughts. Hope that moving out and going to school helps, getting out is really good. I hope you don't feel to obligated to be Mr. Perfect for them, it is good that you have something that really isn't even bad, to feel rebellious about. I was a perfect child per say during the majority of my life until i decided that i couldn't keep fighting back my natural love toward my infant self. Now i'm my parents constant concern, it drives me nuts, but i can't let their ideals dictate my own. I have to be an individual, I will use their example in the ways that i saw was effective, but i'm not going to follow their example completely, when part of their example was to invade my privacy and take advantage of my trust. Besides, what good is following a lifestyle that underneath you don't even believe in. I hope one day they can understand, and then be proud that I was strong enough of a person to stand up for myself, and sculpt my individuality with the artistic style of my own soul rather than plastering my life into some over used mold that somebody else made. Its important to be able to be yourself, yes there should be bounds, but i think the only bound that should dictate your choices in life is, "am i taking away somebody else's life or liberty with my choice."

    Well i was way more long winded than i planned. If you feel like chatting let me know. I know how important it is to have somebody to talk too. It is probably best to find somebody in real life that you can trust to tell your story too, it sure has helped me, in reality, it probably saved my life, but adisc probably saved my life too, so it helps a lot to have this community.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Butterscotch View Post
    thank you all, i've given all inputs some deep thought, but i have to clarify their position as well.

    my parents grew up in poverty, in Central America. dad pretty much has accomplished the american immigrant's dream of coming to the US and becoming rich, and both my mom and dad were raised in the church, and so was i. however, their church was down there so it was a lot stricter. and i forgot if i mentioned it in my blog-ography up top, but they did send me to a therapist, a Christian therapist, and he had never heard of this stuff before and it was a horrible ordeal that lasted up until around late august of last year.

    i understand the reasons for wanting me to talk to them directly about how i feel, but my answer to that specific step is this; this stuff caused them pain, regardless if it had grounds to, and if i'm to honor my father and mother i cannot cause them more pain, and so i have to pretend in order that we may all be somewhat peaceful at home (as peaceful as it can get i suppose). it is an odd sort of lie, the type created out of love.

    and as for the part about being under their roof and whatnot, i have a job opportunity coming up this summer contingent that i do not go to school during that time, and theyre sending me to a Christian school this fall in New York, so i'll be away from them for a while and can think and find out about myself and not have to worry about his confrontations and stuff.

    a friend here knows, and she sort of understands but we dont really talk about it, though that may be because its not really relevant in out conversations that much. also, i met a girl here (friend of a friend) and have become a sort of mistress since she has a boyfriend but she loves cuddling me and being very mommy-ish with me, but i havent told her. thats why i come here, to talk to ya'll so i dont have to tell friends in the real world lol

    i guess i'm not so mad about that, more just about all the ridiculous things mentioned towards the end of my blog entry, which resulted in the loss of thousands of dollars worth of stuff and tons of contacts. however, this somewhat works out. think about it; doesnt everyone have secret stuff they do as a teen? some do drugs, some have secret romances, or some are into abnormal things. this provides me with that fix, of the need to be a rebel mixed with the thrill of doing cladenstine undertakings.
    I understand that honoring your mother and father is important but you are not honoring them with lies. Remember they are afraid of this and fear is the opposite of love. You can honor your parents without giving in to their fear. You just need to constantly remind them that this is not their fault and in fact being a AB/DL sissy/LG is a part of who and what you are and who and what you are comes from god. Your parents have no right to use your religion against you like that. It is wrong and I believe God wants you to be happy within a certain context. I would recommend that you take a look at those links and study the information on that site in the post above. Take your time with talking to them about this as it seems the damage has already been done but can get much worse. Go move out and when you feel ready and comfortable with talking to them about this make sure you talk to your councilor about helping you with a letter to them or something. I myself was in a roughly and loosely similiar situation recently with my own parents not that long ago and I am feeling totally alright now with myself despite what was done to me. Keep in mind the primary difference between what happened to me and what is happening to you is that I waited to long and the damage is irreversible now to me. I would recommend that you have this talk sometime this year but not to soon.

  10. #10

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    I understand this sentiment way too much. My situation was not even close to as extreme as yours, but my father did find out. Several, several years ago, I had been frequenting chatboards and Yahoo! Answers and blatantly posting about diapers, forgetting that my father knew my e-mail address and a simple Google search brought up my Q&A History (which I never thought to make private). Either way, one day my father called me into the room and began a several-hour tirade. I know now he was more concerned and confused than upset but, I recognize now that -- at that moment, some screw deep inside my brain that secured my trusting bond with my father had been stripped out of the foundation of my upbringing. An aspect of myself so vulnerable and shame-worthy (at that time) had been un-earthed and harshly criticized and dissected bluntly with ignorance by the one man who loved me unconditionally, provided for me, raised me, and groomed me for my entire life up to that point to put my trust in him.

    Nothing was the same after that. Even to this day, the bridge between my father and I is still on the mend. The incident was 8 years ago, according to my Yahoo! Answers history. He appears to have completely forgotten about it, but it left me absolutely scarred. Ever since then, I have a real thing with privacy. I cannot trust anyone around my phone or computer. I don't let even my closest friends sit in my room without me there. I hate being vulnerable. Especially when it comes to my dad. The only time I've ever discussed anything heavy with him without hostility and defensiveness in my voice was after 5 or 6 glasses of scotch and a Cuban the weekend after I graduated high school.

    He's made plenty of innocent advances and suggestions toward me and I immediately take them as aggressive and negative. Any interaction with my father, and my defenses raise and hold fast. I can't communicate with him at all without putting my guard up. Talking to him, knowing he wants to talk to me, his criticism of my life choices (whether it be cigarettes, pot, tattoos, etc.), all of it make me furious. Just because it's like something in my brain has unwired and re-wired to instantly display a hostility toward my father, even to innocent gestures.

    Call it "daddy issues", call it something else, but the point here is that I know how that vulnerability feels. And, when you connect that vulnerability to the shame of being caught in such a compromising position -- especially at a young, impressionable age -- your automatic response to vulnerability becomes shame, and your automatic response to shame becomes hostility.

    BUT like I said, my relationship with my father is on the mend, despite plenty of rockiness and ups and downs. Time heals all. I still wear diapers. The sun will still come up tomorrow, and you bet I'll wake up in a soaked diaper, ready to change into a fresh one and start my day. And, at some point after I change into a clean diaper, I'll shoot my dad a "Good morning" text -- and this is all because of letting go. Letting go is important. I let go of the shame that came with the *BDLism. I let go of the hostility. You sound like you just need to give yourself AND your parents a clean slate. Get out of the house if you can. Get your own place. Love yourself and your diapers. Try to let go of your resentment toward your dad. And trust me I know that's really damn hard. I still have some residual resentment toward my own father, but giving myself the necessary space and time to heal (my parents have been divorced for over a decade and live a state apart) and realize that my dad only wants what's best for me and understanding that I confused and concerned him more than angered and shamed him really made me strive to fix our relationship. We talk regularly now. Which is huge, considering I went about 3 years without saying a word to him that wasn't necessary.

    Just let go. Try really hard to let go. And if you can't let go, then so be it, but try to let go and try to hit the "reset" button on your relationship in any way possible. One day your father will no longer be here and, if you hadn't by then, you'll wish you let go and got a chance to start over before he was gone.

    Once your father is gone, he's never gonna come back. I know you said you forgive him but you can forgive someone and still hold resentments. And you've got to, somehow, find the terms that will set you free of that resentment.

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