if you read this
itll help make sense of what i will discuss.
mostly it has to do with the emotions and felling after being caught. last year was a year filled with paranoia when at home, and whenever my father would wanna talk about any heavy topics i would become instantly very angry, like he was an enemy. and it stayed that way for most of it, my mom even accused me of intentionally avoiding him in the house (its big so i can) and asked if i did not want a relationship with him. obviously i do because he is my father and i must honor him and my mother, but whenever i see them i can't help but feel all the emotions that i felt during the days of and following being caught; fear, regret, anger, a feeling of violation (my privacy), and anger for all the things and people i lost in the aftermath.
my mind instantly goes to those thoughts when he or she starts asking questions or discusses heavy topics, and i cant help but always feel it in the back of my mind. you two stripped me of many liberties simply on the basis of identity exploration and deception, with no remorse for your unethical actions such as sending emails to my contacts telling them to never talk to me again, deleting my facebook page and all 600+ friends that i had, along with some pretty epic photos i had taken, destroying my BB Torch and all the data inside, monitoring what type of music i listen to... i could go on, but i wont, since even now i feel the lure of such thoughts. i still get angry at random things sometimes, and rather quickly. if a door wont open then i'll pull and push trying to pry it. if a cable wont unplug right i'll suddenly yank on it knowing itll break but in the moment i just want it to do what i say. when the glove box in the car wouldnt open because it was so full of stuff and i pulled till something inside broke and it opened, these were all signs that i had a lot of bottled misdirected anger, that even all the nights i spend at Tae Kwon Do can't vent out of me.
i know i should forgive them, as they have forgiven me for my actions. i dont want to be angry at them. obviously they dont approve of any of this and they believe i've walked away from it, but i still want to let go of my anger towards what happened. it would be so easy for me to continue to wallow in self-pity and feel angry by deflecting blame off myself, choosing to see them as the cause for all the ensuing misery when it was my lack of discretion that led to the calamity.
has anyone else experienced similar feelings after being caught? was i depressed? am i still depressed? am i the only one who has so much bottled anger in regards to this stuff that i can't even think about diapers and panties and being a baby without feeling angry rebellious thoughts since i knows its prohibited?
jeez even my writing style seems to reflect the meloncholy poet that i tend to be when discussing morose subjects...