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Thread: Wife wants to talk - I am afraid

  1. #1

    Default Wife wants to talk - I am afraid

    I had a wine induced break down over the weekend. I remember sobbing on the floor to my wife that I couldn't go on and was broken. She is now out of her mind with worry. I tried to tell her years ago about how I felt and through tears of shame and a brief break through of a lifetime of extreme shyness I was only able to get out that I liked to dress like a baby.

    She freaked and fixated on the diapers. She suspects and disapproves of just the diapers. Now I'm faced with years later and a lifetime together, a kid ...and now Im thinking of telling her that I'm a little girl and a baby?

    I read the article about who and should you tell. There was such a bad reaction the first time with my wife that I have been cramed in a closet for decades. I am afraid, I think I'm going to keep my mouth shut, I don't want to lose her.

    I feel so needy vomiting up my problems to you guys. I just have no where else to go and you all seem sympathetic.

    I stormed out of the house last night after an argument. She texted me and said she was sorry, I texted her back and said me too. I then said something along the lines of, sorry for not being man enough for you I don't think I ever was. (Part of this is from me being unable to perform, not me being nasty to her, more shame)

    I know, I'm trying to tell her. I made her want to have this talk, but I don't want to face the music. I am so happy to hear of good results for some of you, I just don't think it's in the cards for me.

    Does anyone have any advice or maybe a different article that covers this? Don't know how to say I'm a lg/dl but don't worry I think I'm straight. If anyone found out about me I would just die...and now I want to tell her...

    I maybe attempting to tell her because my diaper use is way up. I'm wearing at times in public, under clothing for sure, but this is big for me. I certainly wear under clothes around her more. After we went to bed the night of my break down I got up to get sick. When I woke up the next morning I had a binki in my mouth and a diaper on under my leisure pants I sometimes sleep in.

    I got away with it and could not understand why I would do that, except in my drunken stooper I felt I needed it. I quickly sneaked down stairs and hid everything.

    I feel like I'm confessing a crime. Very sorry to all for the blog like diatribe.

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by bfp2 View Post
    I feel like I'm confessing a crime. Very sorry to all for the blog like diatribe.
    I'm so sorry to hear that, bfp2. Going through years of your life feeling bottled up and challenged cannot have been easy. I think you've done a great job just getting where you are and building up your life and your family.

    I want to point to your last line that I quoted in particular because I think that's a lot if your problem. You're NOT committing a crime. Banish that idea from your head. Like you just said, you've got a lifetime you've built together. Don't forget that! And honestly, I don't think your wife will forget that either.

    You've got to ask yourself what you want here. I'm pretty sure status quo is dead because you just had a major breakdown. But how do you want to replace it? If it's enough that she accept who you are and let you indulge when you're alone, then just tell her. Confidently. Tell her you didn't stop being the same person she's been married to all these years and that it's not a big deal that you like wearing some unusual clothing discreetly sometimes. If she gets upset, let her, talk to each other and work it out. Wearing diapers in your free time discreetly is NOT a big deal over and definitely not something that should wreck a decades long marriage.

    On the other hand, if you're looking for her active participation, not just her acceptance, you've got a taller order. There you have to decide together what you're both comfortable with and there's a risk that there's no middle ground that will leave you both satisfied.

    One way or another though, you need to do something. Worrying your family and fighting because you're too afraid to talk won't solve anything.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by bfp2 View Post
    I had a wine induced break down over the weekend. I remember sobbing on the floor to my wife that I couldn't go on and was broken. She is now out of her mind with worry. I tried to tell her years ago about how I felt and through tears of shame and a brief break through of a lifetime of extreme shyness I was only able to get out that I liked to dress like a baby.
    This would be a good point to start with. In a private setting calmly explain to her why and how you feel broken.

    Remember to use I statements.



    She freaked and fixated on the diapers. She suspects and disapproves of just the diapers. Now I'm faced with years later and a lifetime together, a kid ...and now Im thinking of telling her that I'm a little girl and a baby?
    This would be an area to discuss each others feeling. Remember to use active listening skills.



    I read the article about who and should you tell. There was such a bad reaction the first time with my wife that I have been cramed in a closet for decades. I am afraid, I think I'm going to keep my mouth shut, I don't want to lose her.
    Again this is something that you need to talk to each other about. Not talking to her can be just as detrimental. If she truly loves you, she will listen and talk to you about the whole situation.



    I feel so needy vomiting up my problems to you guys. I just have no where else to go and you all seem sympathetic.
    Thank MOO. this is why the site is here and what it is intended for. So therefore you are not "needy" just a friend that needs a helping ear to talk to.



    I stormed out of the house last night after an argument. She texted me and said she was sorry, I texted her back and said me too. I then said something along the lines of, sorry for not being man enough for you I don't think I ever was. (Part of this is from me being unable to perform, not me being nasty to her, more shame)
    This says to me that she is in love with you, and concerned. She is wanting to help you and will listen to you when you both talk.

    The other part I can also identify with. I just had to go get a test to make sure I am not risking cancer with my treatment. Bottom line is talk to you doctor, there is more risk then just your ego.




    I know, I'm trying to tell her. I made her want to have this talk, but I don't want to face the music. I am so happy to hear of good results for some of you, I just don't think it's in the cards for me.
    Well. All I can say is see the input from above. Remember to listen when she talks, ask clarifying questions, and use I statements when you address an issue.

    So in short I think it would be safe to say that it is in the cards for you if you really love your family, and your are willing to establish and respect the boundaries that you both agree too.



    Does anyone have any advice or maybe a different article that covers this? Don't know how to say I'm a lg/dl but don't worry I think I'm straight. If anyone found out about me I would just die...and now I want to tell her...

    I maybe attempting to tell her because my diaper use is way up. I'm wearing at times in public, under clothing for sure, but this is big for me. I certainly wear under clothes around her more. After we went to bed the night of my break down I got up to get sick. When I woke up the next morning I had a binki in my mouth and a diaper on under my leisure pants I sometimes sleep in.

    I got away with it and could not understand why I would do that, except in my drunken stooper I felt I needed it. I quickly sneaked down stairs and hid everything.
    This is all the things that you need to talk to her about and be open and honest about everything and listen to her response. Remember to do active listening and ask clarifying questions if the tone of the discussion is getting off topic or "personal attacks".



    I feel like I'm confessing a crime. Very sorry to all for the blog like diatribe.
    You have done nothing wrong or illegal so it is not a crime. Plus this is exactly why we are here, so good luck and remember to listen, talk calmly, and gain an understanding of each others needs and concerns.

  4. #4

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    If you haven't read Rosalie Bent's "There's A Baby In My Bed" you should as it will give you a lot of useful information, especially the first half. The second half deals with males who identify with being LG especially while regressing. I think you have no choice but to discuss this with your wife. I was forced into that situation when my wife discovered my diaper order with Amazon. She was very understanding and supportive. In my defense, I had my ducks in order, so when I initiated the conversation, I was able to discuss my history as a child and as a diaper wearer. I was able to give reasons as to why and reasons that support the "need".

    I would start more simply, perhaps leaving the LG part out. That can come later if it's necessary. See how she accepts being AB/DL before venturing deeper. Most importantly, don't have more than one small drink. Alcohol only obscures the ability to reason logically.

  5. #5

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    I completely agree with dogboy. The only other bit of advice I would give you is not to let your wife read "There's A Baby In My Bed" straight away when you discuss it with her. While it is a fantastic book and aimed at SO, my wife said that if I had given it to her on day one of coming out she would have freaked.. When she read it a month later she was already accepting this side of me and it did not freak her out so much.

    The book does look in to all aspects of an AB and will help you greatly, but there will probably be parts that are not for you as well. It can be a bit overwhelming when confronted with the full extent of what an AB can be.

    Good luck and remember you are still you and you are a good person.

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by bfp2 View Post
    I had a wine induced break down over the weekend. I remember sobbing on the floor to my wife that I couldn't go on and was broken. She is now out of her mind with worry. I tried to tell her years ago about how I felt and through tears of shame and a brief break through of a lifetime of extreme shyness I was only able to get out that I liked to dress like a baby.

    She freaked and fixated on the diapers. She suspects and disapproves of just the diapers. Now I'm faced with years later and a lifetime together, a kid ...and now Im thinking of telling her that I'm a little girl and a baby?

    I read the article about who and should you tell. There was such a bad reaction the first time with my wife that I have been cramed in a closet for decades. I am afraid, I think I'm going to keep my mouth shut, I don't want to lose her.

    I feel so needy vomiting up my problems to you guys. I just have no where else to go and you all seem sympathetic.

    I stormed out of the house last night after an argument. She texted me and said she was sorry, I texted her back and said me too. I then said something along the lines of, sorry for not being man enough for you I don't think I ever was. (Part of this is from me being unable to perform, not me being nasty to her, more shame)

    I know, I'm trying to tell her. I made her want to have this talk, but I don't want to face the music. I am so happy to hear of good results for some of you, I just don't think it's in the cards for me.

    Does anyone have any advice or maybe a different article that covers this? Don't know how to say I'm a lg/dl but don't worry I think I'm straight. If anyone found out about me I would just die...and now I want to tell her...

    I maybe attempting to tell her because my diaper use is way up. I'm wearing at times in public, under clothing for sure, but this is big for me. I certainly wear under clothes around her more. After we went to bed the night of my break down I got up to get sick. When I woke up the next morning I had a binki in my mouth and a diaper on under my leisure pants I sometimes sleep in.

    I got away with it and could not understand why I would do that, except in my drunken stooper I felt I needed it. I quickly sneaked down stairs and hid everything.

    I feel like I'm confessing a crime. Very sorry to all for the blog like diatribe.
    Ah man im sorry to hear about your breakdown.
    In truth it was bound to happen, keeping all this bottled up for so long.
    You are who you are and cannot change this, i understand it is an enormous spanner in the works but at least you are free from your secret and the guilt of that burden.
    You and your wife need to go to therapy and it would be bold and thoughtful move if you suggested this to her.

    Im also bummed for you that she has a problem with the diapers and we both know that that is the best part of being ABDL.
    In the meantime give it time my friend, alot has happened in a very short time, and this is a huge deal for her but time will make this less of a shock, and therapy will help her understand why you do what you do.
    Just be sure to find an open minded therapist, not a close-minded person who feels they can fix this and get you to stop because this is for life.
    You have my best wishes and thoughts.
    Regards LF.

  7. #7

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    I'm sorry you had to deal with such a stressful situation. Hiding a part of ourselves from the person we care the most about, is a difficult and painful thing.

    The good news is, as unpleasant as it was, at least you've started to move forward. As the others have said, communication is key (as it is in all aspects of a relationship). Remind her that you're the same person she fell in love with, nothing has changed, you just want to know she loves and accepts you for who you are, without you having to hide yourself from her. Remind her that nothing you're doing is in any way harmful, and is (I assume) therapeutic for you, give her some back story on how you became AB, what you get out of it, answer her questions. I haven't read the book mentioned above, but enough people recommend it, it sounds like a good place to start introducing her to this other side of you. It's a good sign that she apologized, many people would pretend it didn't happen, or would put it all on you, but she admitted to being wrong in being upset with you, it sounds like she's pretty reasonable, and I hope you talk goes well.

    If you want her involvement, it'll take some time; let her get used to the idea and go really slow. Let her digest the idea of you being AB/DL for a while before you wear in front of her or ask her to participate. Communicate constantly, let her know what you want, make sure she's honest about her limits. Let her know how important it is to you, and be willing to return the favor if she asks anything of you - or surprise her with something she might appreciate. Be extra nice but don't make her feel bribed, make her feel appreciated and loved.

    I really do hope things go well for you, and I wish you the best <3 Sometimes things fall apart when a DL comes out of the closet, but enough enough, airing secrets like this can bring a couple closer together. If she has any secret desires, this is a good opportunity for her to come forward, and for the two of you to embrace and support each other more fully. Good luck

  8. #8

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    I feel so needy vomiting up my problems to you guys. I just have no where else to go and you all seem sympathetic.
    That's because we are sympathetic. We all share many of your emotions, and for similar reasons.

    Now, I have been very lucky to have a significant other in whom I confide - well - everything. She knows all about how I feel about my fetish, and is absolutely non-judgmental. She knows all about my role in the local community, and my abdl friends, live and online, and how important they are to me. Kinkiness comes in all flavors and to all degrees, and perhaps this may be a jumping-off point for you to explain to her: that we, meaning diaper fetishists and infantilists, range across the board in every way. There exist diaper slaves who spend weeks and months ruled by their dominatrix, yet others indulge in dress-up play, and the roleplay that is involved only once in a while, as the mood takes them.

    I like girls in shiny leather catsuits; quite a lot, actually. I was very much a fan of Diana Rigg in The Avengers and in On her Majesty's Secret Service. HERE'S a quick look, and yes, all "g rated." The Avengers was sort of James Bond crossed with The Twighlight Zone (also on my top 20 list.) But I didn't have Diana Rigg dreams, never wrote her fanmail, did not kill any ex-Beatles. In other words, I am a moderate enthusiast of those outfits, a regular fan.

    Now, I wrote all this preamble by way of offering a way to explain to your wife that fetishes, like most things are healthy in moderation, and diapers are not harmful to our health, beyond an occasional diaper rash, nor are much of a threat to the average pocketbook.

    The thing is, while she may not embrace a diaper fetish, nor want to participate (some peoples' partners indulge them, some won't, like mine.) But people come as package deals. The you she knows and married is still there; just with some 'extras' thrown in.

    OK so all that preamble I wrote to offer an approach to explain having a fetish. Basically that odd kinks are normal to have, for some, it's French lace, for others ,shiny butter-soft leather, Some guys go for pantyhose, or cross-dress completely. Lots of them straight... and are no worse as dads or husbands for so doing. Nor are they any less in the bedroom.

    So. you and I get our jollies in diapers. A little uncommon, but far from the extremes of weird, or worth considering an illness. As to the roleplay aspect, I can see that it doesn't conform to our cultural stereotype of manliness. Yeah I know the Bible says (1 Cor 13:11

    When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
    But, whoa, hold on there a second. All kinds of people roleplay as adults, from historical re-enactments to wearing fursuits to online gaming. An Xbox is simply a device to bring forth and enable the little boy in all of us. With AB's and babyfurs the little boy is simply a bit littler than usual.

    So. Preamble all said and done. The most important point, though, is that this is a part of you, and won't be denied; it ain't going away, can't be dispelled, and is very much fundamental to who you are as a person, even if it's a side of you that was hidden for a long time. It's there, for better or worse, and it's there to stay, as much as is being gay, say. The largest part of the battle (and the ultimate victory) is self-acceptance; and as you come to accept this as part of who you are, and find the joy in it, the escape, the feeling of safety, of being nurtured and happy, so too will your mood improve. You can put away the guilt, the shame, the feelings of inadequacy, and relax. Your depression will abate, especially with your wife's growing acceptance of you, and understanding that there are parts of you she may not understand (as the song says



    Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
    Giving all your love to just one man
    You'll have bad times, he'll have good times
    Doin' things that you don't understand

    But if you love him, you'll forgive him
    Even though he's hard to understand
    And if you love him, oh be proud of him
    'Cause after all he's just a man.
    And I'll conclude with another song

    So do talk things through with her. Come to the table, open and receptive to HER thoughts and feelings, but think about what you want to say about it ahead of time. Be gentle, and patient; non-ab and non fetishy people struggle with making sense of what to them is quite alien. Be prepared to reassure that acting little DOES NOT imply being attracted to actual children. If you can, please try not to be apologetic. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not broken. You can still be a man with her whatever you get up to when you're apart. Now she knows what's on your mind, give her a chance to digest it and accept it as a side of you, that may not be to her liking, but is still so much a part of who you are.

    Embrace marriage counselling if she wants. Your depression will start to lift, and any sexual dysfunction will also get better. Remember, you can compartmentalize. Who you are in bed with your wife, or at work, or with abdl friends on a playdate are all separate but integrated, genuine but not contradictory. We're complicated. It's part of being human.

    And come back to Adisc often and at length; we are here for you, and we get it. We are in similar boats and sometimes the seas are rough, but the journey can still end well. Good luck and God bless, if there is one.


    Last edited by Raccoon; 14-Apr-2014 at 04:32.

  9. #9

    Default

    Hi bfp2
    How did the talk go?
    Hope you've been able to talk through some of the things that were worrying you and that things are ok at the moment.

  10. #10

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    We never talked. I came home early and she said she wasn't up for it. I have spoken to her in general terms, many times since then, usually it is very emotionally charged but I never really tell her.

    She said once, as long as I'm not gay or a cross dresser everything would be ok. That hit a bit too close to home so I retreated. I'm not gay and I don't think she has a problem with people that are she just doesn't want to be married to someone that is, which I can understand. As far as cross dressing goes, I guess I might fall under that category. Feeling displaced gender wise, does that make me gay too? I have no idea, I don't think so. I want to be with my wife, I guess I just need her acceptance.

    I can't help the way I feel. I don't understand it and I'm not sure I can explain it to her. I know what I have been told by others on this site that I shouldn't feel ashamed...but I still feel that way. We are getting closer to talking but I don't think we are really ready yet, I know I'm not.

    This is hard for me and it will be difficult to convey things to her that I'm not really sure of myself. I wish I could be different than I am, but wishing doesn't make it so. I have always been this way. Part of the reason I'm falling apart is because it has been a secret for so long. I'm not even sure what I want from her. I feel trapped and every day is full of anxiety and dread. I just feel like this isn't going to end well. Maybe I can pretend like nothing is wrong and maybe this will just go away.

    I feel insane, this doesn't seem real sometimes, it's like a bizarre dream. Sorry to ramble, thanks for asking how things are going. I wish I could have reported something positive but I may be too much of a coward to ever really tell her. She is understandably upset that I am holding a secret from her. Time is running out, I can tell. Getting advice from others and then actually applying it are two different things. I just keep telling her that I love her and that it isn't about her or someone else, it's about me.

    I will update when I can.

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