Warning: This post may not be for everyone. It will contain sexual thoughts, feelings, ideas, and images that may not be suited to your tastes.
If you had asked me when I was 18, "What are you?", I would have offhandedly told you that I was female and submissive. Like I just knew. And back then I did. I stayed with that very mindset for years until I was 20...and then things didn't seem so easy to define.
I sometimes identify as male. I feel like my breasts aren't right for my headspace, and that I'm just not in the right clothing at all. I'm not a transman (ftm), because I feel alright being female. I currently feel no need for hormone therapy or top surgery, but I just want to be a man..with all my female parts. Bound (binding the chest) and clothed like a man, mind, but a man all the same. So I want to identify my gender identity as a crossdresser, but is there something wrong with that? I don't feel like a third gender, I don't feel like I have no definite gender, I just feel like I'm a bit of both. And I'm going to have days where I want to dress like the appropriate one. So could I define myself as crossdresser? Is that even a correct term for gender identity? I could always say I'm bigender, but crossdresser just feels right to me.
Also is it OK not to really know your gender, because I feel like this is mostly the case for me. I usually have no idea how I feel, and just go through my day like I normally would. But I don't have to define myself in so many terms, right? Because honestly I'm just putting crossdresser out there because it feels like the closest to what I am.
As for my sexuality. When I was 18 I would have identified as bisexual, and in public (away from family) I still identify as bisexual because its easier. But honestly, I've come to the realization that I love it all. Males, females, transexuals (ftm or mtf), the inbetweeners, and just everything. I, of course, have preferences but not with gender. So, that should make me pansexual, right?
The only thing about that is that I have sexual ups and downs. Where I prefer one gender over another, I prefer everything, or I prefer nothing. To be clear last summer I preferred absolutely everything. My libido went crazy around so much for no apparent reason and I was basically in heat. Then in August or September...it was like my libido died. I feel like pansexuality fits me...but should I be concerned about this development? My libido going crazy and then dying for several months (until December)? It was like a flip was switched off and on. So yeah, it scares me that it might happen again.
And finally about the BDSM terminologies. I can't exactly say that I'm a submissive, because I've been having fantasies of dominating people. I also can't say that I'm a switch, because for whatever reason it doesn't feel like a correct term for me. But that's what it would be, right? Having a desire to be a submissive and a Dominate...that would make me a switch. Is there any other term that anyone knows? Because "switch" just makes me thing of hickory sticks.
I'm done, I promise. I've had a lot on my mind recently and writing it all down helps me figure it out. So I apologize to anyone that feels like this post is one question over and over again. I appreciate anyone that comments or simply reads this post or even if you leave without having read nothing but the title. I just needed to write this down, and I love you guys.