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Thread: Gender Identity and Sexuality

  1. #1

    Default Gender Identity and Sexuality

    Warning: This post may not be for everyone. It will contain sexual thoughts, feelings, ideas, and images that may not be suited to your tastes.

    If you had asked me when I was 18, "What are you?", I would have offhandedly told you that I was female and submissive. Like I just knew. And back then I did. I stayed with that very mindset for years until I was 20...and then things didn't seem so easy to define.

    I sometimes identify as male. I feel like my breasts aren't right for my headspace, and that I'm just not in the right clothing at all. I'm not a transman (ftm), because I feel alright being female. I currently feel no need for hormone therapy or top surgery, but I just want to be a man..with all my female parts. Bound (binding the chest) and clothed like a man, mind, but a man all the same. So I want to identify my gender identity as a crossdresser, but is there something wrong with that? I don't feel like a third gender, I don't feel like I have no definite gender, I just feel like I'm a bit of both. And I'm going to have days where I want to dress like the appropriate one. So could I define myself as crossdresser? Is that even a correct term for gender identity? I could always say I'm bigender, but crossdresser just feels right to me.

    Also is it OK not to really know your gender, because I feel like this is mostly the case for me. I usually have no idea how I feel, and just go through my day like I normally would. But I don't have to define myself in so many terms, right? Because honestly I'm just putting crossdresser out there because it feels like the closest to what I am.

    As for my sexuality. When I was 18 I would have identified as bisexual, and in public (away from family) I still identify as bisexual because its easier. But honestly, I've come to the realization that I love it all. Males, females, transexuals (ftm or mtf), the inbetweeners, and just everything. I, of course, have preferences but not with gender. So, that should make me pansexual, right?

    The only thing about that is that I have sexual ups and downs. Where I prefer one gender over another, I prefer everything, or I prefer nothing. To be clear last summer I preferred absolutely everything. My libido went crazy around so much for no apparent reason and I was basically in heat. Then in August or September...it was like my libido died. I feel like pansexuality fits me...but should I be concerned about this development? My libido going crazy and then dying for several months (until December)? It was like a flip was switched off and on. So yeah, it scares me that it might happen again.

    And finally about the BDSM terminologies. I can't exactly say that I'm a submissive, because I've been having fantasies of dominating people. I also can't say that I'm a switch, because for whatever reason it doesn't feel like a correct term for me. But that's what it would be, right? Having a desire to be a submissive and a Dominate...that would make me a switch. Is there any other term that anyone knows? Because "switch" just makes me thing of hickory sticks.

    I'm done, I promise. I've had a lot on my mind recently and writing it all down helps me figure it out. So I apologize to anyone that feels like this post is one question over and over again. I appreciate anyone that comments or simply reads this post or even if you leave without having read nothing but the title. I just needed to write this down, and I love you guys.

  2. #2

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    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    Warning: This post may not be for everyone. It will contain sexual thoughts, feelings, ideas, and images that may not be suited to your tastes.

    If you had asked me when I was 18, "What are you?", I would have offhandedly told you that I was female and submissive. Like I just knew. And back then I did. I stayed with that very mindset for years until I was 20...and then things didn't seem so easy to define.

    I sometimes identify as male. I feel like my breasts aren't right for my headspace, and that I'm just not in the right clothing at all. I'm not a transman (ftm), because I feel alright being female. I currently feel no need for hormone therapy or top surgery, but I just want to be a man..with all my female parts. Bound (binding the chest) and clothed like a man, mind, but a man all the same. So I want to identify my gender identity as a crossdresser, but is there something wrong with that? I don't feel like a third gender, I don't feel like I have no definite gender, I just feel like I'm a bit of both. And I'm going to have days where I want to dress like the appropriate one. So could I define myself as crossdresser? Is that even a correct term for gender identity? I could always say I'm bigender, but crossdresser just feels right to me.

    Also is it OK not to really know your gender, because I feel like this is mostly the case for me. I usually have no idea how I feel, and just go through my day like I normally would. But I don't have to define myself in so many terms, right? Because honestly I'm just putting crossdresser out there because it feels like the closest to what I am.

    As for my sexuality. When I was 18 I would have identified as bisexual, and in public (away from family) I still identify as bisexual because its easier. But honestly, I've come to the realization that I love it all. Males, females, transexuals (ftm or mtf), the inbetweeners, and just everything. I, of course, have preferences but not with gender. So, that should make me pansexual, right?

    The only thing about that is that I have sexual ups and downs. Where I prefer one gender over another, I prefer everything, or I prefer nothing. To be clear last summer I preferred absolutely everything. My libido went crazy around so much for no apparent reason and I was basically in heat. Then in August or September...it was like my libido died. I feel like pansexuality fits me...but should I be concerned about this development? My libido going crazy and then dying for several months (until December)? It was like a flip was switched off and on. So yeah, it scares me that it might happen again.

    And finally about the BDSM terminologies. I can't exactly say that I'm a submissive, because I've been having fantasies of dominating people. I also can't say that I'm a switch, because for whatever reason it doesn't feel like a correct term for me. But that's what it would be, right? Having a desire to be a submissive and a Dominate...that would make me a switch. Is there any other term that anyone knows? Because "switch" just makes me thing of hickory sticks.

    I'm done, I promise. I've had a lot on my mind recently and writing it all down helps me figure it out. So I apologize to anyone that feels like this post is one question over and over again. I appreciate anyone that comments or simply reads this post or even if you leave without having read nothing but the title. I just needed to write this down, and I love you guys.
    I found your post interesting, but I'm not sure I have answers. I do know that I vaccinate as well. I also have ups and downs, often based on the seasons, as to my libido, even at age 66. I also would identify as bi, and as members on this site know, I lived an exclusively gay lifestyle all through college. After college, and married and started my family.

    I think some of us are more fluid than others. I'm not sure there are concrete reasons, but we definitely have shifting feelings. I know that when I regress deeply, I can shift from being a boy baby, to feeling more like a girl baby. The book, "There's a Baby In My Bed" deals with sexual identity shifts during regression. Certainly if it happens for some during regression, it can happen for others outside of regression, or for those who never regress.

    You're young, so your sexuality may not be settled, and over several years, it may stabilize. On the other hand, you may always feel some of both, shifting for no decearnable reason. There also could be shifting hormonal reasons, or brain chemistry shifts. There may be members on this site who have studied medicine who could comment on this.

  3. #3

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    Before I get into your post, do you happen to attend a university? Or know of an LGBT center near you? You'd be surprised how great it feels talking to other people who are also gender queer/fluid in person. I'd recommend that.



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven
    I sometimes identify as male. I feel like my breasts aren't right for my headspace, and that I'm just not in the right clothing at all. I'm not a transman (ftm), because I feel alright being female. I currently feel no need for hormone therapy or top surgery, but I just want to be a man..with all my female parts. Bound (binding the chest) and clothed like a man, mind, but a man all the same. So I want to identify my gender identity as a crossdresser, but is there something wrong with that? I don't feel like a third gender, I don't feel like I have no definite gender, I just feel like I'm a bit of both. And I'm going to have days where I want to dress like the appropriate one. So could I define myself as crossdresser? Is that even a correct term for gender identity? I could always say I'm bigender, but crossdresser just feels right to me.
    There's honestly absolutely nothing wrong with the identity you've chosen for yourself that you feel is right. Also keep in mind, not to sort of litmus test yourself on this label or think others will do the same. It's A-ok. You can always change it for a better one if you feel that way about it.

    I've never experienced having gender fluid/queer like thoughts or needs before, however my partner (who seems to be absent at the moment) is quite like you in a lot of ways. He often identifies on either as agender or bigender. His gender expression is very feminine and he wants implants at some point but he is quite happy having male sex organs. So he often tells me he straddles being a little bit of both, or not really being any of it at all. He didn't always cross dress but does so now because that's what fits for him. I say this because you are not alone in those kinds of feelings.



    Also is it OK not to really know your gender, because I feel like this is mostly the case for me. I usually have no idea how I feel, and just go through my day like I normally would. But I don't have to define myself in so many terms, right? Because honestly I'm just putting crossdresser out there because it feels like the closest to what I am.
    Do what you feel you are comfortable with. It's a simple bit of advice but it's really important. If you feel you can't be in certain box at anytime you could simply say you are "Gender queer" or "Gender fluid." If you feel crossdresser works for you, then that's ok too.



    As for my sexuality. When I was 18 I would have identified as bisexual, and in public (away from family) I still identify as bisexual because its easier. But honestly, I've come to the realization that I love it all. Males, females, transexuals (ftm or mtf), the inbetweeners, and just everything. I, of course, have preferences but not with gender. So, that should make me pansexual, right?
    I also identify as bisexual. When coming to terms with such an identity I put a lot of pressure on myself to somehow look at in terms of 50/50 kinda deal simply because that's what I thought of it. And I came to the comfy conclusion my desires can sometimes go 60/40 or even 70/30 on some days. Really depends on who I'm checking out that day lol. I do know what you mean though that you "love it all." I'm about the same way in certain respects. People who have the potential to be attracted to all gender identities is the very definition of pansexual. If after reviewing that identity you feel it fits right, I'd use that.



    The only thing about that is that I have sexual ups and downs. Where I prefer one gender over another, I prefer everything, or I prefer nothing. To be clear last summer I preferred absolutely everything. My libido went crazy around so much for no apparent reason and I was basically in heat. Then in August or September...it was like my libido died. I feel like pansexuality fits me...but should I be concerned about this development? My libido going crazy and then dying for several months (until December)? It was like a flip was switched off and on. So yeah, it scares me that it might happen again.
    My partner's libido is ramped up 24/7, and some days, nonexistent. This is mostly due to some crazy hormone chemistry but people can be like that for other reasons. If you feel worried about this as some sort of symptom of illness, speak with your doc.



    And finally about the BDSM terminologies. I can't exactly say that I'm a submissive, because I've been having fantasies of dominating people. I also can't say that I'm a switch, because for whatever reason it doesn't feel like a correct term for me. But that's what it would be, right? Having a desire to be a submissive and a Dominate...that would make me a switch. Is there any other term that anyone knows? Because "switch" just makes me thing of hickory sticks.
    I don't know of any term, but for me personally I just say I can go back and forth...even though I'm mostly dominating when it comes to BDSM activities with my partner. I'm usually only submissive in AB/DL moods.



    I'm done, I promise. I've had a lot on my mind recently and writing it all down helps me figure it out. So I apologize to anyone that feels like this post is one question over and over again. I appreciate anyone that comments or simply reads this post or even if you leave without having read nothing but the title. I just needed to write this down, and I love you guys.
    No worries. Just remember things change, its ok to change your mind, and change is often good.

  4. #4

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    Read your post. <3 you too : )

    I wish I had something useful to contribute but their are far wiser and more experienced people on this forum then myself. So I shall leave you in their capable hands.

  5. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    Also is it OK not to really know your gender, because I feel like this is mostly the case for me. I usually have no idea how I feel, and just go through my day like I normally would. But I don't have to define myself in so many terms, right? Because honestly I'm just putting crossdresser out there because it feels like the closest to what I am.
    That's kind of like asking if it's ok if your eyes are brown. Gender identity may be a little different than eye color because it appears that gender identity is actually not something you are born with but something you aquire as a baby. In both cases these are things beyond your control so, to me, that means it must be ok.

    I see it as a good thing that you can't find a label that fits you well. Labels are handy for describing things but the description always falls way short of the actual thing being defined. Your being isn't limited by some manmade definition.



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    The only thing about that is that I have sexual ups and downs. Where I prefer one gender over another, I prefer everything, or I prefer nothing. To be clear last summer I preferred absolutely everything. My libido went crazy around so much for no apparent reason and I was basically in heat. Then in August or September...it was like my libido died. I feel like pansexuality fits me...but should I be concerned about this development? My libido going crazy and then dying for several months (until December)? It was like a flip was switched off and on. So yeah, it scares me that it might happen again.
    Variations in libido are normal but since you have some concerns about this it might not be a bad idea to have a checkup, if you haven't had one for a while, just to make sure the body chemistry is where it should be.

  6. #6

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    I just have to smile somehow... but don't mind it. It simply feels like you're as usual thinking too much, instead of only doing what you like, or feel like. But since you mentioned... writing it down anyway can help a lot.

    You don't need to tear apart everything in order to observe and define it right down to the last detail. Although I guess it's surely nice to know how you tick exactly and why of course.
    Despite the fact that we change over time anyway, it's the way of life, or simply "being". Stagnation is regression, so it's that or moving forward. So of course you're not exactly the same anymore as you've been in you "end" teens and you will be different again while approaching your 30. birthday - or a bit sooner or later.

    But anyway, just choose whatever definition might fit for you. Some people tend to say that they're bigender and are still kind of into everything - besides that it doesn't really matter anyway.
    Just watch out about saying that you're into "men, women and trans people"... Sometimes it sounds a bit discriminatory, since those people want to be men and women and not something different.
    Again, choose what you think fits best, being pansexuel is best defined by saying you're genderblind, so loving people for how - and not what they are.

    Regarding the clothes, or how you may feel like from time to time... phew. If you feel like it's the right thing to say about you... then why not. But they're a lot of girls out there that like to wear more manly clothes a lot of times, or just from time to time. Myself included, since I simply like to play around with different styles to see how it looks and feels. I don't think there's anything special about it, since if you're thinking about fashion - guys are anyway walking around in skinny jeans... which is kinda feminine, as for girls, oversized knit sweaters - where you nearly can't see any body shape at all - are also trendy.
    And if you like to behave more manly... what about it. However, if you like it and absolutely think it's how you should define yourself, it's nothing wrong about it. Just don't feel forced to place yourself somewhere, you don't have to.

    The sexual desire thingy is a bit complicated... although scratch that - it's not. Just do what you like to do. There are more people out there, which are usually much more submissive but like to switch from time to time, so like 75% vs 25%, or vice versa.
    The only problem is finding the right partner in the end and of course being clear about what you like to do this way, which the other way around and what not at all.
    To be honest, for me it's kind of the same. Usually I'm much more submissive, but sometimes I like to switch if I'm in the mood. I can't really tell on what it does depend. There's one thing I can recall - at those moments I like to be persuasive. And fortunately it works really great... or at least my mates told me it's very hard to resist for them, despite that their mindset is usually about being dominant.
    So... do what you like and don't be afraid to try new things, if you feel like that you might enjoy them.


    Lots of love! ;-)
    Last edited by daLira; 15-Mar-2014 at 19:11.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    [B]


    So could I define myself as crossdresser? Is that even a correct term for gender identity? I could always say I'm bigender, but crossdresser just feels right to me.
    Ah of course it is alright. Your identity is something only you can know. I'm not sure if this applies, but you could be a bigender woman.... There are some people who identify as female men or male women. There is no reason why a bigender woman could not exist also. Theoretically you could declare your gender as "purple dancing hippo that is on fire". It is up to you. if you coin a word for yourself you may even help others who feel similarly.



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    Also is it OK not to really know your gender, because I feel like this is mostly the case for me.
    Of course. It is the same with sexual orientation. One can be questioning 24/7 for life. Ultimately you are "you".



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    As for my sexuality. When I was 18 I would have identified as bisexual, and in public (away from family) I still identify as bisexual because its easier. But honestly, I've come to the realization that I love it all. Males, females, transexuals (ftm or mtf), the inbetweeners, and just everything. I, of course, have preferences but not with gender. So, that should make me pansexual, right?
    People have the misconception that Bi means attracted to men and women when it means attracted to "same and different". Bi and Pan have been used interchangebly a lot but Pan is special because pan people feel attraction regardless of gender. A Bi person may be attracted to all genders but gender influences levels of attractiveness. Again you are whichever one feels right.





    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    And finally about the BDSM terminologies. I can't exactly say that I'm a submissive, because I've been having fantasies of dominating people. I also can't say that I'm a switch, because for whatever reason it doesn't feel like a correct term for me. But that's what it would be, right? Having a desire to be a submissive and a Dominate...that would make me a switch. Is there any other term that anyone knows? Because "switch" just makes me thing of hickory sticks.
    I am not into BDSM but from an ABDL* standpoint I feel like I know what you mean. People say that ABDL*s are the subs in the relationship because they are told what to do.... But at the end of the day they are not the ones getting stuck doing the butt wiping or picking up the toys. The baby is in charge. They cry... they get what they want. Ultimately it is a big gray area. Nobody ever said you had to pick.

    Who are you. You are "StrawberryRaven".

  8. #8
    CrinklySiren

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    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    Warning: This post may not be for everyone. It will contain sexual thoughts, feelings, ideas, and images that may not be suited to your tastes.

    If you had asked me when I was 18, "What are you?", I would have offhandedly told you that I was female and submissive. Like I just knew. And back then I did. I stayed with that very mindset for years until I was 20...and then things didn't seem so easy to define.

    I sometimes identify as male. I feel like my breasts aren't right for my headspace, and that I'm just not in the right clothing at all. I'm not a transman (ftm), because I feel alright being female. I currently feel no need for hormone therapy or top surgery, but I just want to be a man..with all my female parts. Bound (binding the chest) and clothed like a man, mind, but a man all the same. So I want to identify my gender identity as a crossdresser, but is there something wrong with that? I don't feel like a third gender, I don't feel like I have no definite gender, I just feel like I'm a bit of both. And I'm going to have days where I want to dress like the appropriate one. So could I define myself as crossdresser? Is that even a correct term for gender identity? I could always say I'm bigender, but crossdresser just feels right to me.
    To me, it sounds like you might very well be a cross-dresser, however i noticed that you said"you're alright with being female." Its very possible to identify as a cross-dresser because while there are CD's who do it for sexual reasons, there are CD's who do it because they have a feminine/masculine personality that they feel they need to express. More commonly known as Transvestite (which literally translates to "dresses in clothing of the opposite sex") and its totally ok to be this.

    Alternatively, you could just be in the early stages, but thats not a definite thing. When i first started realizing I am a transgirl, I "felt alright with being male" so I swore that I was Genderfluid (which is also another possibility for you.) meaning that i didn't like identifying permanently as one or the other, but some days one and some days the other. But if cross-dresser feels right to you, then thats what you are. No shame in that.



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    Also is it OK not to really know your gender, because I feel like this is mostly the case for me. I usually have no idea how I feel, and just go through my day like I normally would. But I don't have to define myself in so many terms, right? Because honestly I'm just putting crossdresser out there because it feels like the closest to what I am.
    You don't have to identify as anything, these are just labels forced upon us either by society or by a group of people who felt the need to have their own title and ended up getting one. There are people (like my younger brother) who identify as Gender Neutral or "agender" which means they don't identify as either female nor male, but simply human. There is also nothing wrong with that. I personally don't agree such a thing can exist, but i don't outright dismiss it as an "identification". labels are just labels.



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    As for my sexuality. When I was 18 I would have identified as bisexual, and in public (away from family) I still identify as bisexual because its easier. But honestly, I've come to the realization that I love it all. Males, females, transexuals (ftm or mtf), the inbetweeners, and just everything. I, of course, have preferences but not with gender. So, that should make me pansexual, right?
    Once again, also just labels. I don't believe in gay or straight or anything, but for the sake of labeling, i identify as a lesbian because in high school i was straight, then i experimented and identified as bi, then realized that im not sexually attracted to men but can emotionally be attracted to both men and women so then i identified as pansexual... and today I identify as lesbian because I can't fathom being with a man either sexually nor emotionally, not because it grosses me out, but men generally annoy me in a relationship situation(no offense to any males on here) Your sexuality changes as time passes and as your body/mind grow, often times people "just KNOW" they are gay or straight or lesbian or bi, but often times there are the rare cases of people who just love everyone and dont let gender or sex get in the way of it, and I said before, labels are labels. If you are gay, be gay, if you are bi, be bi lol. I've noticed in my experience that people respond better to pansexuality instead of bisexuality; because they are practically the same freakin thing except people have a misconception of what it means to be bi-sexual. It means being attracted to (emotionally or physically) to both men and women... and seeing as men and women are the only types of human species that exist (including transmen and transwomen as simply men and women), Pansexuality (meaning that you are attracted to everyone) would mean the same thing if you rationalize that "everyone" means men or women... its not like any of us are hybrids (physically speaking), a very small number of people identify as agender (seeing as its not a very popular term, nor does it have its own wikipedia page lol) but even people who are genderfluid identify as one or the other, or BOTH, either way it remains that there is man and there is woman. Honestly sometimes there are 6 different labels for the same damn explanation.



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    The only thing about that is that I have sexual ups and downs. Where I prefer one gender over another, I prefer everything, or I prefer nothing. To be clear last summer I preferred absolutely everything. My libido went crazy around so much for no apparent reason and I was basically in heat. Then in August or September...it was like my libido died. I feel like pansexuality fits me...but should I be concerned about this development? My libido going crazy and then dying for several months (until December)? It was like a flip was switched off and on. So yeah, it scares me that it might happen again.
    You shouldn't be concerned over any development, in fact this concerns comes from our natural instinct of fearing judgment and rejection. You're human, and having ups and downs in libido is normal, and happens to every human being regardless of orientation or gender identity. Sometimes stress brings it down, sometimes happiness brings it up, sometimes you are distracted by other things to even care. I mean you don't expect to be a horny sex-machine at all times do you? Its going to happen again and it will never stop happening, because its human nature to go through a sex-hungry phase and then go through a silent drop. There is nothing wrong with you.



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    And finally about the BDSM terminologies. I can't exactly say that I'm a submissive, because I've been having fantasies of dominating people. I also can't say that I'm a switch, because for whatever reason it doesn't feel like a correct term for me. But that's what it would be, right? Having a desire to be a submissive and a Dominate...that would make me a switch. Is there any other term that anyone knows? Because "switch" just makes me thing of hickory sticks.
    I'm noticing a pattern in your post, you seem to be putting TOO MUCH importance on labels, you dont HAVE to be a switch or a dom or a sub, while what you are saying primarily defines ultimately and simply as a "switch", i.e. Someone who 'switches' between submissive and dominant. So if you are someone who needs labels, i honestly cant see how switch wouldn't apply. I feel as though you are struggling to find your own "uniqueness" to the point where it lacks a label, but thats why i reiterate; labels are just labels you dont have to have one if none of them apply to you, but you also don't need to create one to define you. Just be you and if anyone asks, you say "I am who I am and that's that." You wouldn't be the first un-labeled individual in the world, many people prefer to just "be" without identifying as anything.



    Quote Originally Posted by StrawberryRaven View Post
    I'm done, I promise. I've had a lot on my mind recently and writing it all down helps me figure it out. So I apologize to anyone that feels like this post is one question over and over again. I appreciate anyone that comments or simply reads this post or even if you leave without having read nothing but the title. I just needed to write this down, and I love you guys.
    You are young, and it looks like you are just trying to figure yourself out within the parameters of social labeling. Try not to focus too much on what you should be or what you might be in relevance and limit to the list of things "you can possibly fall under". The human mind is so vast and unique that there are simply not enough labels to identify everyone in the world, so enjoy your uniqueness and embrace uncertainty and embrace the unknown.. Its what makes living in this universe so exciting and it's what feeds our wisdom. Not everything needs a label and not everything needs an explanation, Just be you and love who you are, and the rest will follow.

    Hope this helped. I know this isn't yahoo answers but;

    Source: I've gone through all this and still go through it, minus the struggle of explanation and desperation for labels or titles.

  9. #9

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    Everyone has had very wise things to say here. Labels aren't everything, for sure!

    At the same time, I know that seeking a name for "what you are" can be an important step in accepting it. Mostly, I think it's a way of legitimizing whatever-it-is. "It has a name! It's real! It matters!" It can be hard to feel that way if you DON'T have a name for it, sometimes, if you can't say "Lots of other people are this way too." For me, when I'm struggling with some aspect of me and then I find a good label/name/description for it, I seem to be able to relax about it and move on.

    So with that in mind, labels are not the point but can nonetheless be useful, let me introduce you to some new shiny ones you might enjoy!

    Sexuality is really complex and variable. Some people are sexual (they enjoy being sexual/having sex), some people are asexual (they do not enjoy being sexual and/or don't have sexual feelings at all). Well and good, but there's more. Some people are romantic (they can/do create romantic attachments with other people), some people are aromantic and don't. And this is of course a separate sort of stack from gender. And 'gender'-orientation. And all of these things can shift and change over time. It's natural.

    You can be a "sexual aromantic," who enjoys sex but doesn't naturally form romantic relationships. You can be a "romantic asexual," and fall in love but not want to have sex, ever. Or you can be any combination thereof, to any combination of degrees.

    But this gets real interesting when you combine it with gender.

    Example: (using myself!)
    • I'm pretty much female, nowadays.
    • I'm pan-romantic: I can fall in love with people of any gender at all (and I have). But time shows that I'm mostly hetero-romantic: I tend to fall in love with men.
    • I'm mostly hetero-sexual: I have sexual chemistry primarily with men.
    • I'm somewhere in between sexual and asexual. I'm definitely capable of enjoying being sexual, but sometimes/most of the time it either doesn't occur to me or doesn't appeal to me. I consider this a good fit for the label gray-A. Broadly speaking, there are times I'm way more sexual and times I'm way more ace.
    • The extent of my sexual-ness is very much influenced by the state of my relationship with a person. People who only experience sexual attraction when they've established a romantic connection (aka "I only feel like banging people if I already adore them") are called demisexual. I'm mostly or entirely demisexual.

    That gives me a nice string of labels: Female panromantic gray-A hetero-demisexual! (How lovely, I'll get it tattooed. With a big "MOSTLY" in front.)

    What it comes down to is "I fall in love with some people, I want to get down with some people, it varies." But now and then it's nice to narrow it down a bit.

    As far as kink, have you considered you might just be someone who's capable of being in both submissive and dominant relationships? You may find there are people that you really respond to as a submissive, and other people you find yourself feeling really dominant with. I think "switch" is really referring to switching roles within one relationship. If that suits, excellent. If you feel you could never just shift into opposite mode with the same person, I wouldn't use that word. I don't really know of a better one (never bothered to find out!) but it's definitely possible to be both a sub AND a dom without being a switch. Just putting that out there... "Versatile" is quite a nice word.

    You can have gender preferences within your kink orientation, too. I could never, ever in my life submit to a woman; I can happily dominate both/any gender. But as far as I'm aware, there aren't any tidy labels for that type of thing. Still, life goes on...

    Good luck mate, have fun!

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