This is my second post with this community and as I stated in my introduction I feel slightly out of place and uneasy.
I am not a dl or ab and until about 4 weeks ago I had never even heard about any of it at all.
I’ve been married for the last 12 years and with my husband for 15 years. We have 2 amazing children together who both have their own quirks and individuality but are both growing up to be incredible people.
Our marriage has not always been perfect but we do love each other very much. I believe all relationships, over time, will have their ‘ups and downs’ and it is how we manage those ‘downs ‘ together that I feel will secure our relationship. Having said this I am a strong willed and independent person who, I’m sure my husband would agree, is occasionally over stubborn and wilful.
My husband told me 4 weeks ago that he is, and has been for 30 years, a dl. I’m writing this post 4 weeks on to try to understand a bit more about my own feelings, to share with others who are considering telling their partners and to let other partners out there realise that they are not alone.
The situation I now find myself in is one I would never have guessed at, it has been well hidden from my by the person who I thought was the most honest with me. At the time the thought of him hiding this secret from me for so long was incredibly hurtful, I now understand (by reading other forums and talking so much through with him) that he was living in fear – fear of rejection, fear of actually accepting it himself, fear of the consequences that would happen once it was said out loud, fear of being labelled (his words) ‘a freak’. I also realise now that, by not telling me, he was actually trying to protect me from something he was (is) really ashamed of.
So over the past 4 weeks we’ve talked (a lot), we’ve both done some research – many thanks to everyone on this site who has helped me on my learning journey- I’ve tried to support him to know he is not alone and that, although I sometimes struggle to understand, it is also not harmful or hurtful and if it truly makes him happy then I will try my best to support him. So many people have secrets but I love my husband and, with boundaries that we have discussed together, I see no reason why he should not wear diapers, be able to be who he is, feel comforted, free and accepted for who he is.
Because he’d rarely had the chance to wear diapers even he had no idea where the last 4 weeks would have taken us.
He originally told me he was a diaper lover and would be really grateful if I wouldn’t mind him sometimes wearing an adult diaper..... Well this was a huge understatement on his behalf. I immediately realised that for him to tell me this then he was actually asking for my acceptance. I had no idea of the level of involvement he craved from me, and I don’t think he realised at that stage how much he would want me to be involved. It has been a genuinely steep learning curve for us both.
I agreed to put him in to a diaper and from there he then began buying things and ordering things online. He wanted me to put him in his diaper, let him sleep next to me wearing it, and feed him with a bottle. He now likes wearing a full sized onesie and sleeping with a pacifier. It has also gone from ‘sometimes I’d like to try’ to what I consider very often.
I think the thing that has kept us grounded and allowed me to support him is the fact that we are both now open and honest with each other. If I have any problems or questions I feel I can say straight away – I’ve also been able to say what I feel is acceptable and not and through trusting each other we’ve been able to find common ground. One example of this was the first time he wanted a soother he had gone and bought a bright pink one. I guess that it was all moving so quickly that it bothered me to see him sucking on a ‘little baby girls’ soother where as when I thought about it, it is actually not affecting anyone but him and that he actually needs the comfort and support from me to enable him to accept who he is as well. So I went out and bought some clear ones that, to begin with, will still allow him to explore new things but also won’t worry me as much when I lie next to him. I still can’t really explain why the colour bothered me but by not saying no, but coming to a compromise and buying them for him has enabled him to accept himself and still know he is loved even if sometimes the whole situation becomes too much for me.
He also thought he was just a dl, I think that was all he was prepared to accept himself at first and I could tell that by accepting that for himself and sharing it with me was a huge step forward. After looking on the internet and doing some research I decided that he is also an ab, which he had previously denied (I also think there is a cross over between the 2). I have no reason to give any of it a label but did feel the need to share with him that the bottles, onesies, pacifiers and things mean that it is more than just a desire to wear diapers.
I do not want my husband to be ashamed of himself any more. None of his actions have a negative impact on anyone but by hiding and living a secret life it was harming himself. If I feel that if it is getting too much for me there is now the option of him doing it alone when I’m not around and this does not have to involve living in fear of being caught or fear of living in secret.
I still have a lot of accepting to do about the whole situation. I find that I regularly ask myself if it is having a negative impact on anything and if not then there is no reason why he can’t enjoy these things that he has hidden for so long. I know by being accepted he feels closer to me than he ever has before. We have been together for such a long time for this to suddenly come out was a huge shock to me. I just hope I can continue to support him whenever he needs it whilst still being able to talk through my own feelings and frustrations and allow him to know that I love him for who he is.