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Thread: A wife who is trying to understand

  1. #1

    Default A wife who is trying to understand

    This is my second post with this community and as I stated in my introduction I feel slightly out of place and uneasy.

    I am not a dl or ab and until about 4 weeks ago I had never even heard about any of it at all.

    I’ve been married for the last 12 years and with my husband for 15 years. We have 2 amazing children together who both have their own quirks and individuality but are both growing up to be incredible people.

    Our marriage has not always been perfect but we do love each other very much. I believe all relationships, over time, will have their ‘ups and downs’ and it is how we manage those ‘downs ‘ together that I feel will secure our relationship. Having said this I am a strong willed and independent person who, I’m sure my husband would agree, is occasionally over stubborn and wilful.

    My husband told me 4 weeks ago that he is, and has been for 30 years, a dl. I’m writing this post 4 weeks on to try to understand a bit more about my own feelings, to share with others who are considering telling their partners and to let other partners out there realise that they are not alone.

    The situation I now find myself in is one I would never have guessed at, it has been well hidden from my by the person who I thought was the most honest with me. At the time the thought of him hiding this secret from me for so long was incredibly hurtful, I now understand (by reading other forums and talking so much through with him) that he was living in fear – fear of rejection, fear of actually accepting it himself, fear of the consequences that would happen once it was said out loud, fear of being labelled (his words) ‘a freak’. I also realise now that, by not telling me, he was actually trying to protect me from something he was (is) really ashamed of.

    So over the past 4 weeks we’ve talked (a lot), we’ve both done some research – many thanks to everyone on this site who has helped me on my learning journey- I’ve tried to support him to know he is not alone and that, although I sometimes struggle to understand, it is also not harmful or hurtful and if it truly makes him happy then I will try my best to support him. So many people have secrets but I love my husband and, with boundaries that we have discussed together, I see no reason why he should not wear diapers, be able to be who he is, feel comforted, free and accepted for who he is.

    Because he’d rarely had the chance to wear diapers even he had no idea where the last 4 weeks would have taken us.

    He originally told me he was a diaper lover and would be really grateful if I wouldn’t mind him sometimes wearing an adult diaper..... Well this was a huge understatement on his behalf. I immediately realised that for him to tell me this then he was actually asking for my acceptance. I had no idea of the level of involvement he craved from me, and I don’t think he realised at that stage how much he would want me to be involved. It has been a genuinely steep learning curve for us both.

    I agreed to put him in to a diaper and from there he then began buying things and ordering things online. He wanted me to put him in his diaper, let him sleep next to me wearing it, and feed him with a bottle. He now likes wearing a full sized onesie and sleeping with a pacifier. It has also gone from ‘sometimes I’d like to try’ to what I consider very often.

    I think the thing that has kept us grounded and allowed me to support him is the fact that we are both now open and honest with each other. If I have any problems or questions I feel I can say straight away – I’ve also been able to say what I feel is acceptable and not and through trusting each other we’ve been able to find common ground. One example of this was the first time he wanted a soother he had gone and bought a bright pink one. I guess that it was all moving so quickly that it bothered me to see him sucking on a ‘little baby girls’ soother where as when I thought about it, it is actually not affecting anyone but him and that he actually needs the comfort and support from me to enable him to accept who he is as well. So I went out and bought some clear ones that, to begin with, will still allow him to explore new things but also won’t worry me as much when I lie next to him. I still can’t really explain why the colour bothered me but by not saying no, but coming to a compromise and buying them for him has enabled him to accept himself and still know he is loved even if sometimes the whole situation becomes too much for me.

    He also thought he was just a dl, I think that was all he was prepared to accept himself at first and I could tell that by accepting that for himself and sharing it with me was a huge step forward. After looking on the internet and doing some research I decided that he is also an ab, which he had previously denied (I also think there is a cross over between the 2). I have no reason to give any of it a label but did feel the need to share with him that the bottles, onesies, pacifiers and things mean that it is more than just a desire to wear diapers.

    I do not want my husband to be ashamed of himself any more. None of his actions have a negative impact on anyone but by hiding and living a secret life it was harming himself. If I feel that if it is getting too much for me there is now the option of him doing it alone when I’m not around and this does not have to involve living in fear of being caught or fear of living in secret.
    I still have a lot of accepting to do about the whole situation. I find that I regularly ask myself if it is having a negative impact on anything and if not then there is no reason why he can’t enjoy these things that he has hidden for so long. I know by being accepted he feels closer to me than he ever has before. We have been together for such a long time for this to suddenly come out was a huge shock to me. I just hope I can continue to support him whenever he needs it whilst still being able to talk through my own feelings and frustrations and allow him to know that I love him for who he is.

  2. #2

    Default

    You seem to have a handle on things and a mature and accepting attitude towards him, love truly does conquer all. Your acceptance and loving him as you do will bring you to a level in your relationship that you will not believe. If you have any concerns or questions don't hesitate to ask.

  3. #3

    Default

    I think you'd be surprised at the envy you inspire from those less fortunate than your husband. You've taken this entire subculture thing really well and even went so far as to do some research on your own and speak with others that share the interest.

    You're a great wife and I believe you two will find the compromise that will satisfy his needs and your comfort.

  4. #4
    HushedSnow

    Default

    I can agree with the others above this post. You are handling these quite well, just stay that way, but dont let him get too confortable unless your confortable with it too.

  5. #5

    Default

    Hello

    I can understand what you are going through and feeling. I told my wife and she is very understanding and "accepting" but the boundaries and rules have been set and the mutual respect of the agreements are followed. It makes her uncomfortable to participate in the dressing aspect and even though I wish she would help, I must not push the issue.

    The one thing I would suggest is that If your husband is not a member here he needs to be.

    The initial experiences can be very stimulating and before you know it you are in to areas that you never intend to go. The biggest part of self acceptance is being able to set the boundaries and controls that are need to make/keep the entire fetish in balance with the adult responsibilities.

    I know that when I first began my journey here the amount of information that I had access to was fantastic. As I went through and read the threads in the adult baby section I began to see the extreme levels that could occur. with that knowledge in hand I was able to talk to my wife about what was ok and what was not cool. From there we both accepted the conditions and boundaries that we function in and I understood that if she said enough or no, it means that I am to stop and reevaluate.

    So kudos to you for the great job you are doing and it sounds like the communication is flowing in both directions and I strongly believe that that is the whole key to a successful relation.

  6. #6

    Default

    Sounds like you are handling all of this perfectly. I just want to add a couple of things.

    First, as I'm sure you have already experienced, things will get easier with time. Just ask my wife. At first, the thought of me wearing made her sick to her stomach. Now, three years later, she is usually the one that encourages me to wear and I sometimes disappoint her when I am not in the mood.

    Second, the extent to which he has dived into this lifestyle may seem slightly overwhelming. I was the same way after I finally came to accept myself after so many years of repressing my desires. After a few months, however, I slowly starting to cool down to a more happy medium. Not saying that will be the case with your husband, but it might be.

    Good luck with everything and let us know if we can help in anyway.

  7. #7

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by awife View Post
    "..."..."I just hope I can continue to support him whenever he needs it whilst still being able to talk through my own feelings and frustrations and allow him to know that I love him for who he is.
    awife,

    While I'm quite struck by your depth of heart and mind...I'm sure you don't want to simply drop your investment of time in this life as a factor too...

    It may be a good idea for you both to regulate this out at a slower speed, and over more time...the pressure has been built over quite a period of time...the excitement could run you both over...would be my concern...

    Other than my concerns... I am very appreciative of your sharing here! You seem a well spoken, very caring and articulate person!

    You are among friends, and we'll help you as best we can to navigate through this phase!

    Warmest regards,
    -Marka

  8. #8

    Default

    I have had a similar experience with my wife. She has also been very understanding and we are taking things slowly. I agree that it must be quite a shock, and It is great you are coming to terms with this in a very good way, as is my own wife. I can only say from my own experience with my own wife, those of us who are AB's and or DL's greatly appreciate your understanding and efforts. For most of us, it is a great way of coping with the stresses of life. Take things one thing at a time, as that is what we are doing. I know that I was very worried about how my own wife would react, and after I found out that she was supporting, I think our relationship has grown even stronger than before.

  9. #9

    Default

    I applaud you on your ability to accept your husband. My wife has done the same with me. I've been reading Rosalie Bent's, "There's a Baby In My Bed", and it explains a lot about who we are, plus much, much more. Though some of the examples are extreme and hopefully won't apply, it's worth the read.

    One example, some of us when regressing, identify with the opposite sex, thus the pink pacifier. It only happens during regression, and not all the time. It can be a variation in regression. You husband, over time, will reveal more of his needs and desires. By being observant, you will see the bigger picture.

    I'm sure you are both careful to not let his activities be perceived by your children. It's all about timing, and place. I hope your husband also has down time where he considers your needs. Balance is so very important. I wish you the best in all of this.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by awife View Post
    This is my second post with this community and as I stated in my introduction I feel slightly out of place and uneasy.

    I am not a dl or ab and until about 4 weeks ago I had never even heard about any of it at all.

    I’ve been married for the last 12 years and with my husband for 15 years. We have 2 amazing children together who both have their own quirks and individuality but are both growing up to be incredible people.

    Our marriage has not always been perfect but we do love each other very much. I believe all relationships, over time, will have their ‘ups and downs’ and it is how we manage those ‘downs ‘ together that I feel will secure our relationship. Having said this I am a strong willed and independent person who, I’m sure my husband would agree, is occasionally over stubborn and wilful.

    My husband told me 4 weeks ago that he is, and has been for 30 years, a dl. I’m writing this post 4 weeks on to try to understand a bit more about my own feelings, to share with others who are considering telling their partners and to let other partners out there realise that they are not alone.

    The situation I now find myself in is one I would never have guessed at, it has been well hidden from my by the person who I thought was the most honest with me. At the time the thought of him hiding this secret from me for so long was incredibly hurtful, I now understand (by reading other forums and talking so much through with him) that he was living in fear – fear of rejection, fear of actually accepting it himself, fear of the consequences that would happen once it was said out loud, fear of being labelled (his words) ‘a freak’. I also realise now that, by not telling me, he was actually trying to protect me from something he was (is) really ashamed of.

    So over the past 4 weeks we’ve talked (a lot), we’ve both done some research – many thanks to everyone on this site who has helped me on my learning journey- I’ve tried to support him to know he is not alone and that, although I sometimes struggle to understand, it is also not harmful or hurtful and if it truly makes him happy then I will try my best to support him. So many people have secrets but I love my husband and, with boundaries that we have discussed together, I see no reason why he should not wear diapers, be able to be who he is, feel comforted, free and accepted for who he is.

    Because he’d rarely had the chance to wear diapers even he had no idea where the last 4 weeks would have taken us.

    He originally told me he was a diaper lover and would be really grateful if I wouldn’t mind him sometimes wearing an adult diaper..... Well this was a huge understatement on his behalf. I immediately realised that for him to tell me this then he was actually asking for my acceptance. I had no idea of the level of involvement he craved from me, and I don’t think he realised at that stage how much he would want me to be involved. It has been a genuinely steep learning curve for us both.

    I agreed to put him in to a diaper and from there he then began buying things and ordering things online. He wanted me to put him in his diaper, let him sleep next to me wearing it, and feed him with a bottle. He now likes wearing a full sized onesie and sleeping with a pacifier. It has also gone from ‘sometimes I’d like to try’ to what I consider very often.

    I think the thing that has kept us grounded and allowed me to support him is the fact that we are both now open and honest with each other. If I have any problems or questions I feel I can say straight away – I’ve also been able to say what I feel is acceptable and not and through trusting each other we’ve been able to find common ground. One example of this was the first time he wanted a soother he had gone and bought a bright pink one. I guess that it was all moving so quickly that it bothered me to see him sucking on a ‘little baby girls’ soother where as when I thought about it, it is actually not affecting anyone but him and that he actually needs the comfort and support from me to enable him to accept who he is as well. So I went out and bought some clear ones that, to begin with, will still allow him to explore new things but also won’t worry me as much when I lie next to him. I still can’t really explain why the colour bothered me but by not saying no, but coming to a compromise and buying them for him has enabled him to accept himself and still know he is loved even if sometimes the whole situation becomes too much for me.

    He also thought he was just a dl, I think that was all he was prepared to accept himself at first and I could tell that by accepting that for himself and sharing it with me was a huge step forward. After looking on the internet and doing some research I decided that he is also an ab, which he had previously denied (I also think there is a cross over between the 2). I have no reason to give any of it a label but did feel the need to share with him that the bottles, onesies, pacifiers and things mean that it is more than just a desire to wear diapers.

    I do not want my husband to be ashamed of himself any more. None of his actions have a negative impact on anyone but by hiding and living a secret life it was harming himself. If I feel that if it is getting too much for me there is now the option of him doing it alone when I’m not around and this does not have to involve living in fear of being caught or fear of living in secret.
    I still have a lot of accepting to do about the whole situation. I find that I regularly ask myself if it is having a negative impact on anything and if not then there is no reason why he can’t enjoy these things that he has hidden for so long. I know by being accepted he feels closer to me than he ever has before. We have been together for such a long time for this to suddenly come out was a huge shock to me. I just hope I can continue to support him whenever he needs it whilst still being able to talk through my own feelings and frustrations and allow him to know that I love him for who he is.
    You will find we are all shades of colour and mixes some are more DL and some are more AB .
    It seem what triggered us .
    The one thing is for some we can go over board so balance is needed.
    My AB helps me cope with stress and my life is stressful .
    Please check out the book there's a baby in my bed it is a great read and I learned a lot about myself .
    Good luck to you both.

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