So... here's my situation. I've been caught. perhaps by posting this i can help myself feel a bit better. And perhaps you can all have a laugh with me too! Oh... What. A. NIGHTMARE! I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So last night i went out for a bit, got a tad drunk. came home. Got dressed up. I was feeling 'in the mood'. I was using a toy. And then i don't remember much.
I wake up, Still dressed up. check my hiding place... Its missing. I've spent the last two hours in a panic 'casually' tearing my house apart trying to find it. Then my mum bursts in "what's this thing i've found on the floor!?!!?!" Oh my god. She also knows about the way i was dressed. I'm going to have to have a chat with her now. Brilliant. I didn't want to do this for a long time. Im pretty positive she thinks I'm gay now. I mean, the reason i was so 'in the mood'? i'll be honest it was because of a guy i've liked for a while. But i don't feel like a gay guy. I'm fine with people that are, But personally, I just don't think of myself as one. I don't think i've ever in my life referred to myself as a man. I dunno... Biologically male? yes. Do i feel like a man? no.
Here i was talking about 'taking my time' and being 'safe'. This is my own fault. I'm not going to swear... AHHHHH!!! I could use a hug . So, now i face a difficult conversation with my mum. She's going to be telling the rest of my family now. Only my sister knew before this. Eventually my friends may find out too, If that happens... i don't know what I'm going to do. I'm in panic mode.
The problem is, i've been a terribly repressed individual. It's all coming out now. I'm still early on in all of this. But I've got a feeling inside of me, I'm pretty much certain where this path is going to lead me. But I'm still learning how to be on the outside, the person i feel i am the inside. The last few weeks i've been having alot of mood swings, struggling to deal with all the different thoughts and feelings i've been getting. Sometimes i feel great. Sometimes i just feel ugly and upset. Sometimes i still go into complete denial. Before i opened up to my family i wanted to find my confidence, so that i could reveal myself in a good way. That's not going to happen anymore. It's all my fault . I'm such an idiot!
So. That's my situation. I don't have a clue what I'm going to say. but time for a conversation with my mum. Afterwards i may just go to bed, curl up in a ball and cry. that's what i feel like doing. What a disaster. I really need a hug right now! I'm just gonna have to settle for hugging my pillow instead.
- Lotus Flower