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Thread: How to find balance between this fetish and a healthy sexual relationship. Please Help.

  1. #1

    Question How to find balance between this fetish and a healthy sexual relationship. Please Help.

    First off I'd like to say that I myself am not a ABDL fetishist but instead have other dominant and sadomasochistic kinks. The guy I am dating is extremely into ABDL and Ageplay and has introduced me to a lot of things. I have also introduced him to a few things. We are finding it really hard to find balance between our fetishes and it has become a ball of depression.

    Right now he cannot have sexual intercourse with me without thoughts or involvement of his fetish. I want to know if others can relate to his needs or can offer some advice as to how fetish and other types of sexual experiences can be separated. I have read that in other relationships; ageplay etc can be done in a non sexual way and then sexual experiences are had without any fetish involvement (as an example). Any other scenarios you can add? Advice to my boyf on how to separate his fetish and try new things? He finds it difficult to get turned on without thinking about his fetish and so it seems sleeping with me is a bit of a chore. This is upsetting for both of us. He wants to try to have a break and try new things and he does enjoy sleeping me but it could be a lot better without his fetish interrupting his thoughts. Any tips on how to have a break from this fetish? To be clear this is about balance, both parties being sexually satisfied, cared for and making the most of our relationship. Any help would be appreciated.
    Last edited by infoseeker; 05-Mar-2014 at 08:58.

  2. #2

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    I'm not sure how long you two have been together but it sounds like you both have some other common interests besides fetishes. Perhaps I am wrong in this assessment. The reasoning here is that it is uncommon for a couple to last more that a few dates without sharing interests outside of the bedroom. A bedroom is a relatively small space.

    There are a few pertaining scenarios in play here:

    1) Early onset of fetish interest is usually hyper-driven. Case; A person who meets someone who supports their kink may ,early on, be super excited to finally explore the depths of it. The pure excitement of exploring an interest could overshadow their real persona. In this case it could me merely temporary in it's intensity. It could subside over time.

    2) Communication is your best friend. If you could put into words to him as eloquently as you have written here then it may be a start to a ground-level discussion on the topic and your concerns.

    3) If all else fails and your intuition dictates that you may be up against more than you can bear then it may be 'in the cards' to slow it down. This option would have to be diplomatically dictated by yourself.

    A rewarding relationship is worth the work.

  3. #3

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    My shrink puts most psychological aberrations on the same yardstick: It becomes a problem when it interferes with the rest of your life.

  4. #4

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    We have been together for a few months or so "officially". We get along quite well. I think most of our problems are from trying to find out if we have a sort of sexual compatibility even with all our different fetishes.

    1) He has been with several other people that have embraced his fetish and has been lucky to try pretty much everything he has always wanted to try. He has struggled with finding long term relationships though.
    2) I have tried my best to keep communication going and I'm constantly keeping him informed I just want to help him and try to make our relationship a good thing.
    3) Time will tell I suppose. I'm hoping it will work out somehow.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Well it's interfering with our relationship. His fetish is put ahead of my own.

  5. #5

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    My guess is his struggle with long term relationships is due to his selfishness. His current obsession with his fetish may be because of a "super excited" state due to the novelty of a new partner, as mentioned above, but it sounds like it may be more of a permanent behavior pattern. You understand his needs because you have fetishes too, but it seems you have a normal sex drive in addition to whatever kinks you enjoy and there are times you long for those deeply satisfying intimate moments that only a loving, adult relationship can bring.

    You understand that a good relationship involves balance between give and take, but no one wants a relationship that devolves into a matter of keeping score. That would be more like friends with benefits. Of course, that might be an option to consider. Back off a bit. Become "unofficial" but remain friends, if possible, maybe even friends with benefits. A different perspective may help you sort things out.

    Another possibility might be to bring your desires to the forefront. If you want to be dominant for while then do it. Next time he appears in diapers when you're not in the mood get out the strap and give him a good one across the butt. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are calling the shots. Don't act disgusted but let him know you're pissed. Don't just act out your fantasy, live it! Tell him to take it off and clean up and be a man until you say otherwise. Apply the strap as necessary (void where prohibited). Make him do what you want for the day. Do things you want, go places. Be in charge the whole day. The next day, if he asks in his very best baby voice for you to take care of him, get out the strap again and make sure he understands that when, or if, you ever take the mommy role again it will be your decision and you are not going to do it if he brings it up. End of discusion for that day!
    Last edited by Drifter; 08-Mar-2014 at 20:27.

  6. #6

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    Actually there is but one thing to say: Don't let his fetish dominate your life.

    Whatever someone may say, that kind of what you're into is absolutely wrong, to be honest. I mean you wouldn't ask for advice if you wouldn't suffer due to it and you mentioned already that it's interfering with our relationship. His desires are put ahead of your own.
    And that's the point, especially a lasting relationship is about giving more than taking, since we all want. We all give to get what we want. It would be perfect, if each one of you two is giving 60%, wanting 40% - but he's not doing it.

    Although I'm not saying you should break up with him, don't get me wrong ;-). But talk about it, you need to or the relationship will break over time anyway.

    Since you're into BDSM it's of course way more easy to accept certain characteristics of your SO, so talking about sexual desires. But you also have your own, so ask yourself what you'd like to experience or enjoy from time to time, and tell him that. Also if you like vanilla stuff from time to time. It just ain't wrong not to do everything all the time, and secondly not to like some things at all. We, or you two, have to arrange.

    Secondly... about the fact that he's not able to... At first, I know for girls it's hard to know the fact that our counterpart might think of something completely different. But it happens, sadly.
    However, it's kind of egoistic of him to say this aloud. Secondly, all in all it simply sounds kinda selfish, in my honest opinion.

    In the end there's no way around besides to tell him how you feel and that it's not going to work that way.


    Best of luck =)

  7. #7

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    Seems to me kind of harsh to label him selfish. There does exist out there people who don't get turned on just by a humans physical form. I personally am one of them. Ive never had a real relationship mind you, but I can definitely relate to an inability to get turned on without some form of my fetishes involved. Its just how Ive always been. Ever since primary school, my fantasies have either involved babying girls or tying them up.

  8. #8
    CrinklySiren

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    Quote Originally Posted by MyLastWords View Post
    Seems to me kind of harsh to label him selfish. There does exist out there people who don't get turned on just by a humans physical form. I personally am one of them. Ive never had a real relationship mind you, but I can definitely relate to an inability to get turned on without some form of my fetishes involved. Its just how Ive always been. Ever since primary school, my fantasies have either involved babying girls or tying them up.
    Yes but this doesn't correspond with the fact that a lot of the times, ABDL's becoming hyper-driven and finding sexual pleasure in the use of their fetish only is a common event. Sure there are people out there that dont get turned on by the simple naked body, but in this case, it's not about that.

    I have seen many times (not ashamed to admit that i've been there too) where ABDL's or other fetishists will become so involved with their sexual practice of their fetish that they will be unable to become aroused without its specific presence or involvement.

    Having been there before, I can only advise the follow, as it's what I did: Ween yourself off it. It worked for me so well that I don't even practice my "specific" fetish anymore because i no longer feel the need nor the desire to... (thats not to say it has to get to THAT point, but it is possible to reverse the restricting mental behavior)

    However, if this isn't new and its a continuing behavior, then I have to agree with everyone else... He can't expect to have a functioning relationship where the fetish practice stays on one side.

  9. #9

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    No one can help their sexual attraction. Everyone needs to do certain things for sex to get turned on so it will be good sex and for some people, it's with a kink rather it's diapers or being a baby or being tied up, etc. If they can't get that for sex, the sex won't be any good and it will be hard for them to have it without that. I am the same way about diapers. It's very hard to have sex or be turned on without having something that turns you on. Think about this, what turns you on for sex, now try to go without that and see how well it goes for you without it. Can you still get turned on? Are you still able to have it and enjoy it and have good sex?

    Sometimes people are not compatible for sex hence the reason why people have it before they are married so they can see how it goes and if their partner is any good with it and what their needs are and if it can work.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by infoseeker View Post
    We have been together for a few months or so "officially". We get along quite well. I think most of our problems are from trying to find out if we have a sort of sexual compatibility even with all our different fetishes.

    1) He has been with several other people that have embraced his fetish and has been lucky to try pretty much everything he has always wanted to try. He has struggled with finding long term relationships though.
    2) I have tried my best to keep communication going and I'm constantly keeping him informed I just want to help him and try to make our relationship a good thing.
    3) Time will tell I suppose. I'm hoping it will work out somehow.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Well it's interfering with our relationship. His fetish is put ahead of my own.
    First of all I really like your avatar. It's rather profound and apt considering your situation, and also adorable .

    I am going to have to make a few assumptions here, but having been in this community for nine years and knowing quite a few AB's in my time, this scenario is sounding all too familiar.

    I grew up masturbating into diapers. It's a soft and comforting environment; one in which it's rather lovely to play down there. I am sure I am by no means alone in this. But, it meant that for quite some time my sexual activity was incredibly limited. I enjoyed one thing only for many years, and when one has no sexual company to keep, this is absolutely fine.

    But the first issue arose when I met my first boyfriend. Like me, he was also an AB. However, unlike me he was into many many other kinks. A side of which I couldn't even begin to satisfy. We never had sex for the two years that we were together. Instead what we had was a plutonic relationship. There was mutual respect, love and intimacy, sensuality and intelligence, but yes it lacked the sexual side. This worked for two and a half years, and I am proud to say that he is still one of my closest friends and a wonderful human being. For the time we were together we had an open relationship, and this worked for us.

    So I seperated from this wonderful guy due to other reasons I won't go into online, and had some time to breathe. During our time together, I had been exposed to many different fetishes partially through him, but mainly through the liberal minded and sexually open friends we both shared. While at the beginning I did not want to be a part of this, over time, simple exposure to it made me more open to it. Additionally, I was becoming aware of how limiting arousal to only nappies was. I began weening myself onto gay sex - finding the type of man I liked and the situations etc. The exposure didn't necessarily radically change my sexuality. On the contrary, it gradually opened my mind to it. The tendencies were already there. Additionally, I think a lot of kinks can be found appealing by a large number of people. The experience is dependent on the people you do it with and the environment you do it in.

    Which leads me to my current lovely man. He's an Adult Baby, incredibly kinky and the most fabulously patient soul on the planet. While for the first year, I was only really interested in the AB side of things, because of his patience and kindness I've had a great environment to explore the sides I was initially afraid and unwilling to explore. I now consider myself sexually enlightened. By this I mean I am open to trying new things. Kinks that before I would have dismissed, now have a different taste to them. Some of it is an extension to the AB thing, some of is BDSM related. I now find that I'm happy to switch dom/sub roles. All because of this one guy.

    It's the person that makes the difference in this. Additionally, it's how much time you're both willing to invest. Be patient. Be kind. Be caring. And, in your understanding of him, realise that sexuality is something that can only change or be explored gradually. He needs to be given room to discover and reveal. Above all, it needs to be a positive environment for you both.

    It should be a time of discovery for you both. While he may have explored everything he thinks he wants to explore; he probably hasn't. It's different with every person. Each human being brings a unique quality and take to the sexual experience.



    Quote Originally Posted by Drifter View Post
    My guess is his struggle with long term relationships is due to his selfishness. His current obsession with his fetish may be because of a "super excited" state due to the novelty of a new partner, as mentioned above, but it sounds like it may be more of a permanent behavior pattern. You understand his needs because you have fetishes too, but it seems you have a normal sex drive in addition to whatever kinks you enjoy and there are times you long for those deeply satisfying intimate moments that only a loving, adult relationship can bring.

    You understand that a good relationship involves balance between give and take, but no one wants a relationship that devolves into a matter of keeping score. That would be more like friends with benefits. Of course, that might be an option to consider. Back off a bit. Become "unofficial" but remain friends, if possible, maybe even friends with benefits. A different perspective may help you sort things out.

    Another possibility might be to bring your desires to the forefront. If you want to be dominant for while then do it. Next time he appears in diapers when you're not in the mood get out the strap and give him a good one across the butt. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you are calling the shots. Don't act disgusted but let him know you're pissed. Don't just act out your fantasy, live it! Tell him to take it off and clean up and be a man until you say otherwise. Apply the strap as necessary (void where prohibited). Make him do what you want for the day. Do things you want, go places. Be in charge the whole day. The next day, if he asks in his very best baby voice for you to take care of him, get out the strap again and make sure he understands that when, or if, you ever take the mommy role again it will be your decision and you are not going to do it if he brings it up. End of discusion for that day!
    You're simply wrong.

    If, as I assumed in my previous post, he has been masturbating to diapers for quite some time, he is simply limited by what arouses him. This is not his fault. In fact, there is no blame to lay at anyone's feet. You're incorrect to think this.

    Instead they need to approach this positively and with self restraint. An open and frank conversation about the limitation of the sexual side of their relationship could resolve a huge part of the psychological worries surrounding this issue. However, the sexual side will take more time, patience from both parties, understanding and love.



    Quote Originally Posted by daLira View Post
    Actually there is but one thing to say: Don't let his fetish dominate your life.

    Whatever someone may say, that kind of what you're into is absolutely wrong, to be honest. I mean you wouldn't ask for advice if you wouldn't suffer due to it and you mentioned already that it's interfering with our relationship. His desires are put ahead of your own.
    And that's the point, especially a lasting relationship is about giving more than taking, since we all want. We all give to get what we want. It would be perfect, if each one of you two is giving 60%, wanting 40% - but he's not doing it.

    Although I'm not saying you should break up with him, don't get me wrong ;-). But talk about it, you need to or the relationship will break over time anyway.

    Since you're into BDSM it's of course way more easy to accept certain characteristics of your SO, so talking about sexual desires. But you also have your own, so ask yourself what you'd like to experience or enjoy from time to time, and tell him that. Also if you like vanilla stuff from time to time. It just ain't wrong not to do everything all the time, and secondly not to like some things at all. We, or you two, have to arrange.

    Secondly... about the fact that he's not able to... At first, I know for girls it's hard to know the fact that our counterpart might think of something completely different. But it happens, sadly.
    However, it's kind of egoistic of him to say this aloud. Secondly, all in all it simply sounds kinda selfish, in my honest opinion.

    In the end there's no way around besides to tell him how you feel and that it's not going to work that way.

    Best of luck =)
    I agree with you. Living one's life without balance is dangerous.

    However you need to recognise that there is a difference between allowing a fetish to dominate one's life and being aroused by it only. There are ABs that I have spoken to and met, that fall into this first category. But, this lovely lady has already stated that outside of the bedroom they both get on quite well. This suggests to me that the AB thing doesn't impact on other parts of there lives. It is only a sexual issue. Something that is causing them stress, but can be rectified with some time and patience from both parties .





    Quote Originally Posted by CrinklyEmilyLG View Post
    Yes but this doesn't correspond with the fact that a lot of the times, ABDL's becoming hyper-driven and finding sexual pleasure in the use of their fetish only is a common event. Sure there are people out there that dont get turned on by the simple naked body, but in this case, it's not about that.

    I have seen many times (not ashamed to admit that i've been there too) where ABDL's or other fetishists will become so involved with their sexual practice of their fetish that they will be unable to become aroused without its specific presence or involvement.

    Having been there before, I can only advise the follow, as it's what I did: Ween yourself off it. It worked for me so well that I don't even practice my "specific" fetish anymore because i no longer feel the need nor the desire to... (thats not to say it has to get to THAT point, but it is possible to reverse the restricting mental behavior)

    However, if this isn't new and its a continuing behavior, then I have to agree with everyone else... He can't expect to have a functioning relationship where the fetish practice stays on one side.
    I disagree with your last statement.

    I have had a functioning relationship without the sexual part. It's still just as loving. It can be intimate and sensual, caring and intelligent. You're damning them too early on! Remember, they've been going out for only a few months. Give it a year, let them get used to each other. Build trust. Who knows what they'll find out about each other .

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