ABDL and the Male Self

Geno

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Role
  1. Adult Baby
  2. Diaper Lover
  3. Carer
One of the cornerstones of ADISC is self-acceptance, which requires taking the time to understand AB/DL desires and balancing them with the rest of the self. Among the many obstacles some will experience along their journey are feelings of shame, guilt, and even self-hatred. For AB/DLs who are male, some of these feelings can be a product of incompatibility with male gender roles. This incompatibility is referred to by the concepts of Gender Role Strain (GRS) and Gender Role Conflict (GRC). Under gender role conflict theory, numerous empirical studies have shown that such conflict can produce self-esteem issues, depression, and anxiety both in adolescent and college-aged males (Watts et al. 2005). Issues of self-esteem often go hand-in-hand with feelings of shame, guilt, and self-hatred. These feelings can make it difficult for many male AB/DLs to understand who they are and complicate their individual situations.

Disclaimer: This article mainly pertains to males that identify as straight in their orientation due to the research papers used, though some parallels can be drawn for those of other orientations.



Exploring Male Gender Roles and Masculine Values


What are some of the traditional male gender roles?

Many of the traditional male gender roles or values occupy a set of masculine principals. Researcher Will Meek explains:
Meek (2011) said:
Other researchers examine larger cultural trends of male gender roles. Some notable work on this includes Levant et al (1992), who summarized traditional (hegemonic) American masculinity into seven principles. It is important to note that although these are a general trajectory for many men, that there are many different configurations of expression of these depending on individual and sub-cultural differences.

(1) restrict emotions
(2) avoid being feminine
(3) focus on toughness and aggression
(4) be self-reliant
(5) make achievement the top priority
(6) be non-relational
(7) objectify sex
(8) be homophobic

Other research done by Watts et al. in adolescent boys found the same set of principals inherent in the sample's answers. The boys reported what the researchers noted as "Restricted Emotionality" and "Restricted Affection" (2005). Societal pressure was one of the main mechanisms behind the participants' socialization in their reported role conflict. As Meek has noted, it is important to understand there is a variety of actions and beliefs that can reflect one of more of these eight principals depending on the individual.


Other types of Male Gender Roles and Values

The above roles and values are often seen as "a negative angle on masculinity" and other research has come out describing various strengths of masculinity (Meek). These "strengths of masculinity" are described as:
Meek (2011) said:
1. Male relational styles: males form relationships through shared instrumental activities
2. Male ways of caring: protecting others and action-empathy
3. Generative fathering: engaging and responding to a child's needs while attending to larger development
4. Male self-reliance: using resources to overcome adversity and "be your own man"
5. Worker/provider tradition: having meaningful work that provides for others
6. Group orientation: males tend to collaborate and associate in larger networks
7. Male courage: males can achieve great things through daring and risk-taking
8. Humanitarian service: fraternal organizations have a strong history of service for others*
9. Men's use of humor: this can be a means for connecting to others and coping with stress
10. Male heroism: heroic acts have a long tradition as part of manhood

These "strengths" of masculinity, like the previous eight principals, can encompass a wide variety of actions and beliefs and have many different configurations in the individual. It is important to note this far there is no absolute way of fulfilling these roles, nor are these strengths the end-all-be-all of the male self. Meek also notes this as a more balanced form of masculinity.


Extremes of Masculinity

Obviously these described roles can be followed or not followed to such an extreme that they can lead to negative consequences in the overall well-being and happiness for the individual:
Meek (2011) said:
Hypomasculinity
1. Weakness: emotional fragility, excessive fear, dependence, irrationality
2. Ambivalence: unreliability, non-committal, irresponsibility
3. Inactivity: lethargy, submissiveness, complacency

Hypermasculinity
1. Coldness: stoicism, relational cutoff, violence, fearlessness
2. Sociopathy: manipulation, lack of conscience, using others
3. Narcissism: vanity, arrogance, life endangering risks

It is important to recognize that people can have some of these traits and are still normal, happy individuals, it is when these traits are taken to such a strong degree they interfere with their livelihoods and cause imbalance with other aspects of their lives. Having to depend on your partner for instance for some aspects of a relationship is not unhealthy, but shirking responsibilities in several aspects of one's life to the point you can't take care of yourself is.



Exploring AB/DL Interests and Desires


A Brief Overview

Individual variation of AB/DL desires is expansive as is the level of involvement in a particular interest. Age play (regression, care-taking), usage of baby items (pacifiers, bottles, etc.), and the usage of diapers are just some of the interests an AB/DL can have. Some individuals may partake in a certain interest but not in others. The feelings experienced as a result from said activities can range from feelings of safety and comfort to even sexual pleasure.


Some Emotions and Experiences at Odds with Male Gender Roles

The biggest male gender role at odds with some of the feelings associated with AB/DL activities are the roles focusing on toughness and aggression. Age regression activities or enjoying the feelings of comfort or safety from them do not fit these roles. Even merely enjoying diapers for sexual pleasure would fail the fulfillment of the role since diapers are associated with an infantile, powerless state. This invokes the concepts of male gender role strain and role conflict.



Gender Role Strain and Role Conflict: A Source of Negative Experience


What are Gender Role Strain and Gender Role Conflict?

Gender Role Strain (GRS) is stress related to experience with a gender role, while Gender Role Conflict (GRC) is a pattern of negative consequence as a result of experience with GRS (Meek). Three types of GRS have been described:
Meek (2011) said:
1. Discrepancy Strain: The person unsuccessfully meets traditional gender role standards.
2. Trauma Strain: This occurs after experiencing a traumatic event or process during socialization into the traditional masculine gender role.
3. Dysfunction Strain: When fulfillment of a gender role is hazardous.

So generally, negative feelings such as shame, guilt, or self-hate can come about as a result of GRS. In relation to GRC, research has described several "niches" into a man might experience GRC:
Meek (2011) said:
1. GRC within the man: Private experience of negative emotions and thoughts experienced as gender role devaluations, restrictions, and violations.
2. GRC expressed toward others: Men's expressed gender role problems that potentially devalue, restrict, or violate someone else.
3. GRC experienced from others: Men's interpersonal experience of gender role conflict from people interacted with that result in being personally devalued, restricted, or violated.
4. GRC experienced from role transitions: Gender role transitions are events in a man's gender role development that alter or challenge his gender role self-assumptions and consequently produce GRC or positive life changes.

A good example Meek uses is a man restricting his emotions and experiencing role conflict in a relationship:
Meek (2011) said:
...many men restrict their emotions. This may have positive consequences such as the ability to stay cool in a crisis situation, but a disadvantage would be the inability to emotionally connect in a relationship. The man may experience some gender role strain if he does express feelings in the relationship, and the loneliness and detachment that may following this choice is the gender role conflict.


Applying These Models to AB/DL Examples

I'll use myself as an example in this hypothetical situation. Let's say I enjoy the use of diapers and pacifiers because they bring me a source of comfort. I feel safe, secure, and relaxed doing so once in a while. I start to also feel some guilt and shame in doing so because I am experiencing discrepancy strain by not fulfilling the traditional role to remain tough or aggressive. It is weakness to seek feelings of comfort or pleasure from something considered infantile, or seek comfort of that sort to begin with.

Now let's say I decide to purge these feelings from me due to the gender role strain I am experiencing. For a while I no longer experience the shame and guilt, but later I decide to binge a bit because I can't get rid of these feelings. I feel discrepancy strain yet again, so I decide to purge. I may experience some discrepancy strain if I decide to binge again, but at the moment I experience feelings of frustration or anxiety because I can't indulge in an aspect of my personality, resulting in a type of gender role conflict.

Another example of gender role conflict can be with a partner or friends. Let's say you decide to tell your partner one day and hypothetically she doesn't react in a very supportive manner. She can't accept this side of your personality and tolerates it very minimally. This can restrict your own behaviors or feelings to a point where you feel devalued. Even in a broader sense with friends, their perceptions of masculine behavior or actions can possibly indirectly affect your sense of self. Of course this varies with the individual and the environment and these are only hypothetical examples.

Another interesting example of gender role conflict would be the actual act of self-acceptance. Role changes that bring about questions or challenges of one's preconceived notions of the male self and balancing out their AB/DL side can result in some GRC related feelings and with possible positive life changes. Again, it should be noted everyone comes to terms differently.



Balancing and Integration


What Does Integration Mean?

239-1-chart.png

Integrative Model of Masculinity - Meek (2011)

Integration, in terms of gender, is basically the absorption of all the parts that have the self (society, culture, personal values, negative and positive feedback, etc.). There is no absolute or ideal male, but instead one's personal gender role "self-concept" that's been balanced by the "benefits" and "costs" of his individual style. This important thing to note is that achieving integration of the AB/DL side with the individual male self involves weighing in on actions and behaviors and finding peace and balance through those choices. This model shows there are many ways to be male.


Flexibility, Balance, Alleviating Negative Feelings

One important thing in dealing with negative feelings as a result of GRC and AB/DL desires is having a lot of self-patience and taking the time to recognize them. Taking the time to learn more about one's self and the source of those feelings allows for a better "home base" of dealing with problems. Think of one's "home base" as a solid foundation for oneself that provides a feeling of wholeness and safety. Self-patience is also coupled with giving oneself leeway and becoming more flexible with individual attitudes and behaviors that conflict with it.

By taking the time to understand and learn, one can achieve better avenues beyond negative feelings or frustrating binge/purge cycles. Some tools that can be helpful in understanding one's masculine self-concept are keeping small, achievable goals and keeping a journal to record feelings and experiences. You can look back at these and learn surprising things and also write down positive re-enforcements to foster patience and self-love. These could be useful tools in building self-confidence in that area. It is also important to recognize and take pride in our other "male strengths" in that regard which can be thousands of things if the "male strengths" are any indication.



So Then, What Does it Mean to Be Male and an AB/DL?


Well frankly, it's whatever you have crafted it to be! It is the balanced, healthy, male self-concept that has given you confidence, strength, and courage. It is the acceptance of all the things that make you up. If the AB/DL desires one has doesn't consume one's life or dictate all the choices one makes, then they would seem perfectly fine. After all, the interest hurts no one, and we have more to ourselves than just diapers. As one of the questions asked by ADISC in the introduction cheat sheet asks, "Diapers do not rule our lives! What are your other interests?" It should be the similar when one asks themselves, "What does it mean to be male to me? What are all the things (strengths, quirks, little things) that add to my masculine self and its uniqueness? How has this proven to me and my AB/DL desires?"

Remember to have a little male humor along your journey. After all, nothing ever needs be so serious.



References

Watts, Randolph H., and L Borders. "Boys' Perceptions of the Male Role: Understanding Gender Role Conflict in Adolescent Males." Journal of Men's Studies 13.2 (2005).Proquest. Web. 10 May 2012.

Meek, Will. Psychology of Men. 2011. Ed. Will Meek. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 May 2012. <http://www.psychologyofmen.org/index.php?itemid=5>
 
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Really impressed and appreciative of the thought and effort put into this post. Definitely an important topic that I'm sure will be helpful to read for many here.

I'm so used to FetLife that being new here has been refreshing both in terms of the thoughtfulness of the content and the general support. FetLife has its place, but posts like this are more my speed.
 
Yeah i kinda feel that.

However a lot of my issue has to deal with what I call the Warrior's blood, a long line of my family were warriors and soldiers from all sides (Besides ww2, my two grandfathers were on the Right side of that war) and that Eagerness for Battle skipped everyone in my family but apparently I received that Boiling Blood gift, you could look at my family and say "They wouldn't hurt a fly" Then look at me and feel terror, Behind my eyes is the raging fire hungry for a warrior's battle. It lingers in the shadows of my heart, A blazing fire I can't extinguish. A monster beating its chest and roaring for victory as it slams the bars of its cage in righteous fury.

For me, that's a hard thing to control and sometimes it comes off like I don't really show much emotion. I am in fact holding those feelings back. So giving in and being Little isn't very much possible for me, because part of me wants to Fight, and all I can do is feed it scenarios for it to think of a way to come out on top.
 
I wanna be a abdl
 
MakABDL said:
Yeah i kinda feel that.

However a lot of my issue has to deal with what I call the Warrior's blood, a long line of my family were warriors and soldiers from all sides (Besides ww2, my two grandfathers were on the Right side of that war) and that Eagerness for Battle skipped everyone in my family but apparently I received that Boiling Blood gift, you could look at my family and say "They wouldn't hurt a fly" Then look at me and feel terror, Behind my eyes is the raging fire hungry for a warrior's battle. It lingers in the shadows of my heart, A blazing fire I can't extinguish. A monster beating its chest and roaring for victory as it slams the bars of its cage in righteous fury.

For me, that's a hard thing to control and sometimes it comes off like I don't really show much emotion. I am in fact holding those feelings back. So giving in and being Little isn't very much possible for me, because part of me wants to Fight, and all I can do is feed it scenarios for it to think of a way to come out on top.
hey wanna talk
 
1 place i know i'm strong is when i'm fighting for something or other for my autistic brother. there's the little boy side of me who needs to be held and loved and feel safe, a very big part of that is sexual i admit, then there's the side of me who looks out for his family in whatever small ways he can and gives it his all. i also like recording washing machine cycles. i find them relaxing especially the older ones. i'm blind so i also make audio recordings dayly which act as my photos. recordings are a very big and important part of my life. etc. i won't go on all day haha
 
i really like what you say about keeping a journal to record feelings and experiences. i was doing this in a very general unfocused way a couple of years ago, but it was more a personal diary in general than anything else and i started freaking out about being so open even in there. but i'm thinking now of starting a journal apart from my general journal. the general one being about everything else, family, other hobbys etc, this one being about dealing with my sexuality and masculinity and all the head f***. it fits because i plan to modify my general journal as one for 2 of my brothers i'm not aloud to see. it'll basically become a family record of all the things they don't know. of course, i won't want them reading anything about my big little side so this seams the ideal solution. i don't know why i didn't think of it before. thanks mate
 
1 more comment and i'll shut up i promise. i can really relate to what you say
Widgeydog354 said:
The idea recording of a washing machine cycle(s) a good one most little ones watch the washing machine or spinny thing as it whirrs. I used to at my ex daddys and if in the right head space you can lose track of time, its is a real distraction but somthing familiar at the same time you can take comfort from.
that's exactly how it is for me. i lose track of everything and sometimes go in to an almost sleep like state until the psycle is over. what make was his washer if you can remember? i love the old hotpoints best but all the others too, apart from the really modern ones that sound really quiet. if you're in to that sort of thing i recommend the hotpoint first adition wm52. you can find vids on youtube. my nan had one back in the day and some of my happiest childhood memories happened while the washer was on. sorry for bad spelling by the way. it never was a strong point
 
Widgeydog354 said:
his is a beko. im useless with spelling and grammar too
ah yeah they're pritty good. my aunt had 1
 
MakABDL said:
Yeah i kinda feel that.

However a lot of my issue has to deal with what I call the Warrior's blood, a long line of my family were warriors and soldiers from all sides (Besides ww2, my two grandfathers were on the Right side of that war) and that Eagerness for Battle skipped everyone in my family but apparently I received that Boiling Blood gift, you could look at my family and say "They wouldn't hurt a fly" Then look at me and feel terror, Behind my eyes is the raging fire hungry for a warrior's battle. It lingers in the shadows of my heart, A blazing fire I can't extinguish. A monster beating its chest and roaring for victory as it slams the bars of its cage in righteous fury.

For me, that's a hard thing to control and sometimes it comes off like I don't really show much emotion. I am in fact holding those feelings back. So giving in and being Little isn't very much possible for me, because part of me wants to Fight, and all I can do is feed it scenarios for it to think of a way to come out on top.
hey can I join
 
I am and have been, utterly fascinated with this concept/argument? for decades now. I have great difficulty embracing my Male side as many of my experiences with Males have been, shall we say, strained to say the least. I would be surprised if there might not be those whom would have the same feelings (sorry if I just triggered you-should have said something earlier) But, I in many ways, DO fully grasp my, "Role" when it comes to my Wife, as well as Women in general. This is why I find the list to be inconclusive. There are other Male roles that we are expected to follow as well:

Kill the damn spider.
Check out "the sound" at 3 in the morning. Even when there's nothing there.
When she says, "Oh, you don't have to get me anything for my Birthday!" She is lying. BIG TIME.
Take care of her car.

And on more serious notes:

Protect her. Step in for her when you know she needs you to handle this.
NEVER belittle her. Never walk away when she is being abused.
Stand up to guys who use foul language that is directed at Women in general (The "C" Word)
There is no excuse for you to NOT bring home the bacon.

And yet, since I can remember, I have always wanted, "needed?" to hear such things as, "Honey, you're too little for that. Let Mommy do it."

I don't see why WE should be any more embarrassed or ashamed of what THIS is anymore than Women should feel ashamed of liking video games, "Mad Max 4" (Strong Female Lead) Wearing makeup. Not wearing makeup.

We have been pretty much TRAINED since we can remember that a feminine quality is, "weak" So, we often grow up believing that Women are weak and only good when it comes to careers aimed at "girls" (Manicurist. Hair Stylist. Lingerie Model to name a few) We have to eliminate the concept of, "Sex Roles" and just understand that Every Single One of Us is different. Whether you are Born Male, Female, or just identify with them. Off soapbox now.
 
I kind of just adapt to my needs I guess, and I don't really get hung up on all the fuss.

I mean, I can be extremely aggressive if I need to be. A couple of years ago, my position and even my job was threatened false accusations while I was trying to buy my house. The owners of the company basically demanded I apologize for something I didn't do, and even though they essentially threatened to dash my hopes and dreams by firing me, I defiantly refused to comply. That was very hard on me. I was so stressed out I was wetting in my sleep every day, and shortly after I ended up with a pretty bad ulcer. I could have given in and had my position stripped from me, but I think I made the right moves. After a while, they backed off and punished the accuser because he both was a liar and threatened me with physical violence. I'm a pretty firm believe that if you're not willing to fight for yourself, don't expect anyone else to.

On the other hand, I enjoy dressing and looking like a woman. I love having my hair in a pony tail and wearing my favorite blue dress with a nice padded bralette. This past week, I tweezed off my mustache and waxed my armpits. At work, I got a few people confused on whether I wanted to be referred to as she/her now, but in reality I couldn't care less who calls me what. It was just a funny double inside joke I pushed as far as I could lol. I pretended to be a female customer of ours to work with an outside support company, but I was also wearing my dress. (unbeknownst to my co-workers though who I started to pretend to be that female customer with).

However, I still feel like I'm more masculine than my friends and co-workers. They all seem to have such chaotic and indecisive minds. I can take the weight of a critical situation without feeling intimidated at all. (like a big customer with a catastrophic problem or something) It seems like everyone else makes a mess of things because of whatever reason. I feel like if I was out about my day and I came across someone in a dire/life threatening situation, I'd feel compelled to do something and not just be frozen and watch it happen.

I guess I just do what I have to when I need to, or what feels good otherwise and I really don't care who thinks what of it. Even as "weird" as I am, I feel like I've got my self more sorted out than the average normie guy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 
I feel ok with most of the male stereo types as I just naturally am them.

I am a body builder
I always fix my girlfriends car, I'm a mechanic
I shoot guns, kill animals to eat and tan their hides for leather and furs
Have a motorcycle, yup
Have always been a provider, would feel unsatisfied otherwise
I have a nice beard and look pretty manly.

All that being said I'm totally comfortable with my non male attributes
I sew, have a sewing machine
Recite poetry
Share my feelings
Love things that are cute
Mostly I wear pretty girly underwear
Plus lots of other things.

I personally don't really care about stereo types, I'm just me, I am my own type😌

To quote Lewis Carroll

Never imagine not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others, that what you were, or might have been, was not otherwise than what you had been, would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
 
fleckothefennec said:
I feel ok with most of the male stereo types as I just naturally am them.

I am a body builder
I always fix my girlfriends car, I'm a mechanic
I shoot guns, kill animals to eat and tan their hides for leather and furs
Have a motorcycle, yup
Have always been a provider, would feel unsatisfied otherwise
I have a nice beard and look pretty manly.

All that being said I'm totally comfortable with my non male attributes
I sew, have a sewing machine
Recite poetry
Share my feelings
Love things that are cute
Mostly I wear pretty girly underwear
Plus lots of other things.

I personally don't really care about stereo types, I'm just me, I am my own type😌

To quote Lewis Carroll

Never imagine not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others, that what you were, or might have been, was not otherwise than what you had been, would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
We are dangerously similar :LOL:

--==> <==--
I feel ok with most of the male stereo types as I just naturally am them.
I am a body builder
I always fix my girlfriends car, my boyfriends to (but I'm not a mechanic).
I shoot guns, but I can't kill animals due to my country law
Have a motorcycle, yup
Have always been a provider, would feel unsatisfied otherwise
I have one-day like trimmed beard and look pretty manly.

All that being said I'm totally comfortable with my non male attributes
I sew, have a sewing machine !
Recite poetry
Share my feelings
Love things that are cute
Mostly I wear pretty girly underwear
Plus lots of other things.
--==> <==--

Definitely I have a lot of girly behavior, I am sensitive and I love being me.
and yes, being bisexual affects me. Sometimes I like to wear a dress if I'm with a boyfriend - only at home!
I have women's jeans, they emphasize my butt beautifully...
 
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WolfG said:
We are dangerously similar :LOL:

--==> <==--
I feel ok with most of the male stereo types as I just naturally am them.
I am a body builder
I always fix my girlfriends car, my boyfriends to (but I'm not a mechanic).
I shoot guns, but I can't kill animals due to my country law
Have a motorcycle, yup
Have always been a provider, would feel unsatisfied otherwise
I have one-day like trimmed beard and look pretty manly.

All that being said I'm totally comfortable with my non male attributes
I sew, have a sewing machine !
Recite poetry
Share my feelings
Love things that are cute
Mostly I wear pretty girly underwear
Plus lots of other things.
--==> <==--

Definitely I have a lot of girly behavior, I am sensitive and I love being me.
and yes, being bisexual affects me. Sometimes I like to wear a dress if I'm with a boyfriend - only at home!
I have women's jeans, they emphasize my butt beautifully...
That's awesome we are very alike 😀

I'm working on Memorizing "kubla khan" by coleridge currently
 
fleckothefennec said:
That's awesome we are very alike 😀

I'm working on Memorizing "kubla khan" by coleridge currently
I am reading Kubla Khan right now, it's all because of you :ROFLMAO:
BTW Interesting piece of an art.
 
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WolfG said:
I am reading Kubla Khan right now, it's all because of you :ROFLMAO:
BTW Interesting piece of an art.
It's funny the experiences and people who bring things to you in life, it's what makes it so great

I worked with an older man for a day a few weeks ago, we ended up exchanging poem for poem, he got me onto kubla khan, his favorite which I recited for him was jaberwocky by Lewis Carroll
 
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