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Thread: Went through it again

  1. #1

    Default Went through it again

    I, like some AB/DL have often wondered why it is that I am this way. Perhaps you might think that this is the wrong forum to discuss this topic, but I feel as if this has happened to enough of us to talk about this subject in a more mature forum.
    I've had these desires to wear and use diapers my entire life, and as I am 54, you can imagine just how alone I was, as there was absolutely no one to talk with about this side of me.
    I really didn't have anyone to turn to until I was 18, and then it wasn't even being able to talk with anyone, online or in person. I had discovered Diaper Pail Friends, but as some of you may remember it was a bi-monthly publication, and there really wasn't a way to talk with anyone in something even remotely close to real time.
    Since the advent of the internet I have now found that I am not alone and have been able to converse with others about my diaper desires. Finding any scientific studies about our particular needs has been very hard, kind of like finding a snowball on the beach in Florida. If one of you out there has any leads for finding any good, worthwhile information about infantilism I would love to hear from you.
    So many times I have found what I thought was a promising lead, only to discover that it was once again simply someone's story about a fantasy of theirs. The reason I would like to read of a concrete medical or psychiatric study is that I would like to understand more about myself.
    I know that we are most probably born this way, much as transgendered people are born the way that they are, born in the wrong body for the sex that they know down in their bones they are supposed to be. It is something that is just hardwired into their makeup, and I am sure this is the case in myself, as it probably is in all of us. I feel that we were made to be Adult Babies or Diaper Lovers (I myself swing back and forth from one to the other, don't ask me why).
    I just want to have some of the questions I have so often asked myself to have some type of answer or to have some of these things explained to me. I too like many of us have gone through the binge and purge cycles, and the terrible angst and internal wars going on as we struggle with the question of why it is that we are the way that we are, and why can't we change this part of our lives?
    I have sought balance in my life, and done well for awhile, sometimes doing quite well for periods of time, and then BAM, out the door, down the drain, headfirst into the maelstrom once again. Please, if anyone can help me with any answers to these pressing questions I would be deeply in your debt. If you know of anyone who has delved into these questions that plague so many of us and come up with answers that make some kind of sense to me I will be eternally grateful.
    Last edited by searcher; 04-Mar-2014 at 04:32. Reason: wanted to edit so that the content covered what I wanted to say to make better sense

  2. #2


    I don't think you're going to find anything that is satisfying out there. The answer is within you. The problem is, we keep asking the wrong question. The important question to ask is not "why am I like this?" but "what can I do with this?" Living productively with this urge and even being able to get something good out of it is something you can actually do now as opposed to wishing for a time machine or a crystal ball to tell you what is, at this time, and for the foreseeable future unknowable. Even presuming you had a definitive answer, a smoking gun, what good would it do you?

    You're not so much older than me, so we have some commonality in our experiences and I sympathize with having to work things out for yourself at a time in life when we're typically least able to look on ourselves with love and acceptance. Every day is a new opportunity to set yourself on that path to self-acceptance. If somehow you fall off it, get back on, because the benefits of that road (as you should well know) so far outweigh the doubt, angst, and self-loathing or even just the navel-gazing and recursive self-analysis. Maybe there will be a good study someday soon (although I really doubt it). You're here now; make the best of it.

  3. #3


    Thank you Trevor, your words are very welcome to my ears.
    It is nice to hear inspiring words like this on this subject, so many of us could use a friend like you for times like these when we feel so much internal upheaval. Yes, I have been unable to accept this part of me, which all of you know is an integral part of our makeup, I have heard so many people say that they got this way because of abuse during their childhood, but that never rang true for me. I grew up in a very abusive household, so much so that all of us kids got PTSD from it, but none of them turned out as I did, plus many, many of us say that they grew up in very loving homes, yet their love of diapers was there the same as ours.
    I truly believe that being AB/DL is much like being LGTB, in that you were either made this way by your creator or not, and that it is something that you really had no choice in. However I still have questions, and since I've not been able to talk directly with others in an intelligent way about this (I'm not saying that I'm any more intelligent than anyone else, just that I want to talk with someone beyond what it is they like about being this way in a sexual manner), I'd just like to talk with others in a manner much like you do when you sit down with a friend when you go out for coffee. It is something that I've not had the opportunity to do, and it is something that I have longed for in so much of my life.
    That is why I want to find something to answer the questions that I have, because I haven't had to chance to have a real conversation with another who truly understands what being AB/DL is. Yes you're right I do put myself through a lot of internal turmoil, and have not liked myself (well hated would be the more appropriate word here) all of my life. Most people have never seen beyond the fašade, and yes, I have done all in my life that I have set out to do (most think that I have achieved much in my life), but down deep inside there is always the fervent wish that I had never been.
    I do try to enjoy my life, and there have been times where things have been good, especially when I have been of service to others and made a difference in their lives, I just wish that I could see myself as the kind of person that they see me as. Some say "look at all that you have done in your life, so many others have not been able to do the things that you have" yet when I look back on my life I see everything that I have done as a mistake.
    I know that this is because of a negative self image, but I do think that I would do better if I were able to talk with another who understands what it is to be AB/DL. That is all.

  4. #4


    I'm glad you got something useful out of what I said and I hope others will have contributions as well. I count this community in general and certain members specifically with helping me to accentuate the positive in this. I would say when I joined (it's really a year before my listed join date because we had another forum with the same people), I was accepting of this and myself but it was more grudging. I'd have stopped being ABDL in a hot minute if it had somehow been possible, even though I no longer engaged in binge/purge behavior. I knew it didn't make me a bad person but I didn't see how it could result in anything good.

    Over time here, in talking to others, both online and luckily enough in person, I got to see that while being an ABDL wasn't good in and of itself, neither was it bad. It was, like so many things in life, what I made of it. I wish I could easily distill what makes that change in perspective happen but it really snuck up on me. One day I realized that there was no reason to wish that I wasn't an ABDL and in fact, it would only serve to distance me from dear friends. Some of the best things I've done in the last seven years have been related to my acceptance of myself and others as an ABDL. I wouldn't trade it now that I've found how to be positive with it. It's so much better than the negative approach.

  5. #5



    I have made some good friends for online friends I should say. Feel free to ask questions. Sometimes hearing others are just like you helps you feel normal and your not alone!

  6. #6


    First let me thank you all for your support,
    it does make me feel less alone, and yes, like I may find some friends on this site, in these forums. I joined this site awhile back, but hadn't posted until this one except for the introduction, which you basically have to if you want to be noticed at all.
    I am sorry if I sound like a complete downer right now, the weather here in the northwest has sucked really badly for a long time now, and the winter weather messes with my mood, so it adds to some of the things that bother me about my life.
    Aside from having self esteem issues I have been bi-polar my whole life, I really didn't have a clue, I just thought (as most people who knew me did) that I was a bit intense. It took the Army six years to figure out that I was just a little TOO gung ho for them. I got my honorable discharge, and they told me that I may want to look into some mental health help, and after about ten more years I did look into it, that's wen I found out that I was bi-polar.
    I guess that I should have known as my sibs are too, and it runs in families, but I never thought I was, even though I am more so than they are. After finding that out I thought that that might have had something to do with the relationship problems that I've had, but I still don't know about that, when the women in my life wanted to be serious and live together I always had major misgivings about it, because from the start I could see the end.
    I've finally seen the pattern, but it wasn't until after I ended the last relationship that something was up with me. I noticed that in each relationship that I was in that I left after about three years, no idea why, but when I finally saw it I realized that it was me that was the problem.
    Is this a symptom or sign of a further emotional disorder that I don't know about? Hell, I don't know it took six live ins for me to recognize that the problem, the pattern, existed. It's been five years since I have even dated, and to tell the truth, I really don't care if I ever do again.
    I stay pretty much at home anymore, I have a few friends and I don't look for more, as I feel that it is better to have a couple of true close friends than a lot of friends that don't really know me.
    My friends know all about me, and I don't have to hide things from them (but I don't make them uncomfortable by parading around in nothing but diapers either). Staying close to home is safer sometimes too, because I've come close to getting into trouble a couple of times and I thank God that I had a friend with me to keep me from going to jail. I'm not a hothead, and I don't think that violence solves a problem, but sometimes unforeseen situations occur and things can get out of hand. These were stupid little things where the guy said the wrong thing at the wrong time. I could've gone to jail! Stupid!
    I'm not afraid to leave home, I just prefer not to that often, it's just easier for everyone that way. I've not been one to communicate on social websites, I guess I'm a little anti-social, but I don't like long conversations on the phone, and only talk to two or three friends each day. so yes, it was hard for me to come here and ask for some help in answering questions that I have about myself and the desires that I have.
    I do want to thank you all for the input that I've received, thank you for the site, I have read some interesting things there that I want to explore further, and the links there are things that I do plan to explore when I'm feeling a bit better. There is something that I've been doing these days to help myself these days, I volunteer at the humane society twice a week. I've always wanted to give something back to the community, and animals and I have always gotten along very well, they trust me and I them, so it feels like a natural fit. Animals and kids have always liked me, go figure.
    Thank you again for your kind words and support.

  7. #7


    I don't have any leads dealing directly with the cause of diaper fetishism but, beating my worn out drum again, I personally believe most fetishes are imprinted behavior. We're not born with it. We don't learn it from some kind of psychological trauma or experience. At the critical point in our early development where we get stamped with our sexual desires, for some reason the stamp was contaminated with a diaper image along with, or maybe instead of, the normal (for males) T&A image. You had no say in the matter; it just happened. If interested look up imprinting as it applies to human behavior.

    Once you accept this as a permanent fact of your life you are at the point Trevor mentions where you have to consider what to do with it. I'm older than you and still not completely comfortable with this aspect of my life but his advice makes sense.

  8. #8


    Sorry man I wish I did have some sort of worthwhile leads on this, but I don't. But for what it's worth, I feel the exact same way you do about it. And as much as I have tried to rationalize it, at the end of the day I just find myself beating my head against the wall about it. I don't know, maybe my need for this comes from insecurities and a need to be nurtured, I really don't have the answers for myself let alone anyone else. All I know is, is that I had an interest in it all before all the bad crap happened in my life (that I'm sure amplified it over the years), as far back as memory serves anyway. And then there is the possibility that I might have repressed memories that led to it too.

    Yeah I'm with the OP on this one, I need to find out why someone in mine and his position would take an interest in such a thing if it's not only out of sexual interest.

  9. #9


    Imprinting is as good an explanation as any that I can think of, there are many different theories on this subject. I know because I have looked into those that I could find, and most hold water, you can't rule them out as being proven, or disproven.
    The way that theories are proven, such as the theory of relativity, is that they have been tested and tested again and again, but have held true, in that they could not be proven as being false. Yet they are still theories, and called such rather than being called facts.
    What I prefer to believe though is that I was created this way, as I have always wanted to stay in diapers 24/7 from the first that I can remember. I am not preaching here, as preaching is akin to religion, and I despise religion as it is and has always been the most destructive force mankind has ever known. I do believe in nature and the natural laws that govern the universe, call it God or a Creator, or Nature, they are all the same to me.
    Being created this way, being imprinted with diapers at an early formative stage in life, whatever the reason the end product is the same. It could be a myriad of reasons. I was a bed wetter, and was kept in diapers at night for a long time, and yes I enjoyed being kept in diapers at night, but the desire to wear them was always there.
    Be that as it may, I am what I am, and I should just be happy to be me, instead inner conflict has dogged me my entire life. I know that this is from being imprinted with guilt and shame, the most toxic poisons to the soul that exist, and that I shouldn't have a problem about wanting to wear diapers, my struggle should be to conquer all of the self condemnation brought about by this guilt and shame.
    You are all right, I should just accept myself for who I am, and overcome this self destructive path that I've been following for my whole life. I've been a prisoner my entire life, locked in the deepest darkest dungeon in the world. Many people are, what most fail to understand is that we are the wardens of our prisons, and we have the keys to our cells, and that we can release ourselves from these terrible holes at any time. I know this, I just haven't been able to find how to forgive myself. Really the desires for diapers that I have are not the real problem, wanting to wear diapers is just a convenient scapegoat for my inability to let go of the condemnation of myself, by myself.
    By looking for an answer outside myself, I know that I won't find the real reason. Maybe I'll find an excuse for being this way that I can blame and rationalize this away withso that I don't have to accept responsibility for my own life. This is really just self pity, and I know it, all in all I am just whining because I want someone to tell me "now, now you're not responsible for making yourself miserable all this time, you're not really responsible for your own life". Inside I know these things, yet this is still such a problem in my life.
    Perhaps we should have a group like AA for those of us who continue to have these types of issues in our lives. I know that my answers aren't out there, but inside ME, finding a way to let this go should be just as simple as saying "f*%k it, I am who I am, and what I am, and that is okay, I can be me and that is cool because I like who I am" and just let go of all of that crap. I'm the one who won't let go of the guilt and shame, it doesn't matter who or what put it there, I'm the one who won't let it go. The answer to our problems lie inside ourselves, I need to look there.
    Thank you all for your input, sometimes we need to talk with others to get a different perspective on things, you have helped me to see these things more clearly. I will keep monitoring this post because your input has indeed been most helpful.

  10. #10


    I also really want to commend you for seeking mental health help. That is never easy! Realizing things oneself needs to work on is always better. You will feel happier inside and I hope you have a healthy relationship in the future if you decide you want that. I myself have struggled with mental illness. ADHD, anxiety, depression...signs of boarder line personality when under extreme stress. I also like what drifter said. Learn to accept yourself....your normal and we all have things we need to work on. That's how we grow as better people! Don't hold onto shame and to tell yourself/ mind positive things. You write well! Hey we have somewhere of 50,000 thoughts a day, out of that 70-80% are negative. Imagine what we can do if we all worked on that and the changes that could positively change our lives and how successful we could really be. Google how many negative thoughts do we have a day and see what I'm talking about. your among friends!

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