Hi all! I'm still a newbie here. i only joined yesterday. i have made a little introduction in the greetings area to tell a little about myself. I had no plans to post this so soon. but i've been made very welcome by everyone! i never thought i'd find a place like this. I never even imagined i'd do the first post. but... here i am.
I've known i was different since childhood / early teens. at parties i was always swapping clothes with the girls for a "joke". I liked wearing them, and i also liked people seeing me wear them. One of my girl friends, had a long pink coat. i adored it! very fond memories of it. she would basically have it waiting for me when i got to her house! i would leap at the chance for girls to do my hair, or apply make up. i'd walk around school like that without a care in the world. oh i wish things were still so carefree. Some of my girl friends would buy me jokey presents. like panties or, lip gloss or even fluffy handcuffs. I'd wear those panties to bed everynight. not really for play or sexual gratification. but because i liked the way they made me feel. feminine. i wanted to feel pretty.
somewhere along the line, i forgot all about this past. like it became repressed or something. years later, i was just a "typical guy'. then i started getting confusing thoughts. a few examples - i have long, brown hair. and it goes very curly. when out and about sometimes girls would comment on my hair. playing with it, and saying they were jealous of it. it wasn't necessarily the straight attraction of having their attention though that i enjoyed. it would feel like i had been accepted. then alarm bells ring in my head. "accepted as what, as a woman?" i knew deep down thats what i felt. Recently, a woman in a bar turned to my friend and said "oh, hi, is this your girlfriend?" when my friends told her i was a guy, she apologized, and i acted like i wasn't happy. But she didn't need to apologize, that comment made me the happiest person in the world!
I used christmas as a cover to buy some things. panties and a erm, toy. i tried shaving my legs, and have remained that way ever since. If i had the confidence all my body hair would be gone. I'm just scared of getting caught. but i feel a bit weird half shaven it doesn't feel right. i want it all gone! I'm just going to have to do it i think.
Im placing another order. This time for LOTS more clothes. panties, lingerie, socks, knee highs, PJs etc. i'm getting deeper and deeper into this. its not something that's just going to go away. the problem is, that i'll get lost in my own little world. then something will happen. a wave of guilt and shame. anger at myself. i can spiral into depression. I don't like my masculine personality. And i don't like my body either. i don't want it to be this way. I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Sometimes i feel like im cursed for being born a guy. like im being punished. I can get very emotional about it at times. And not being able to tell anyone makes it so much harder too.
The thing is i wouldn't consider myself a cross dresser. i can't lie to my heart. I don't know what i am anymore, and its a mixture of highs and crushing lows. Help? Im sure there are people here who may be or have felt the same? I'm kind of early on in accepting this so i suppose things will become more clear with time. I live in a pretty rough area where it's not safe to talk about this. my nephew came out as gay a few years ago and life has been pretty hellish for him. even having to drop out of college. and doesn't really go out in town. If my friends find out about me they're going to disown me. and there are others that would want to hurt me i'm sure. Its scary. But it's a credit to you all being so awesome that i'm getting the chance to say all this!! so thank you. you've all made me feel very welcome. Apologies for the essay-length post. i've never had a chance to talk about this. ever. Since this and my first post. I feel i'm going to remember this moment for the rest of my life. If you read this far. Thank you
- Lotus Flower