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Thread: This is me

  1. #1

    Default This is me

    Hi all! I'm still a newbie here. i only joined yesterday. i have made a little introduction in the greetings area to tell a little about myself. I had no plans to post this so soon. but i've been made very welcome by everyone! i never thought i'd find a place like this. I never even imagined i'd do the first post. but... here i am.

    I've known i was different since childhood / early teens. at parties i was always swapping clothes with the girls for a "joke". I liked wearing them, and i also liked people seeing me wear them. One of my girl friends, had a long pink coat. i adored it! very fond memories of it. she would basically have it waiting for me when i got to her house! i would leap at the chance for girls to do my hair, or apply make up. i'd walk around school like that without a care in the world. oh i wish things were still so carefree. Some of my girl friends would buy me jokey presents. like panties or, lip gloss or even fluffy handcuffs. I'd wear those panties to bed everynight. not really for play or sexual gratification. but because i liked the way they made me feel. feminine. i wanted to feel pretty.

    somewhere along the line, i forgot all about this past. like it became repressed or something. years later, i was just a "typical guy'. then i started getting confusing thoughts. a few examples - i have long, brown hair. and it goes very curly. when out and about sometimes girls would comment on my hair. playing with it, and saying they were jealous of it. it wasn't necessarily the straight attraction of having their attention though that i enjoyed. it would feel like i had been accepted. then alarm bells ring in my head. "accepted as what, as a woman?" i knew deep down thats what i felt. Recently, a woman in a bar turned to my friend and said "oh, hi, is this your girlfriend?" when my friends told her i was a guy, she apologized, and i acted like i wasn't happy. But she didn't need to apologize, that comment made me the happiest person in the world!

    I used christmas as a cover to buy some things. panties and a erm, toy. i tried shaving my legs, and have remained that way ever since. If i had the confidence all my body hair would be gone. I'm just scared of getting caught. but i feel a bit weird half shaven it doesn't feel right. i want it all gone! I'm just going to have to do it i think.

    Im placing another order. This time for LOTS more clothes. panties, lingerie, socks, knee highs, PJs etc. i'm getting deeper and deeper into this. its not something that's just going to go away. the problem is, that i'll get lost in my own little world. then something will happen. a wave of guilt and shame. anger at myself. i can spiral into depression. I don't like my masculine personality. And i don't like my body either. i don't want it to be this way. I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Sometimes i feel like im cursed for being born a guy. like im being punished. I can get very emotional about it at times. And not being able to tell anyone makes it so much harder too.

    The thing is i wouldn't consider myself a cross dresser. i can't lie to my heart. I don't know what i am anymore, and its a mixture of highs and crushing lows. Help? Im sure there are people here who may be or have felt the same? I'm kind of early on in accepting this so i suppose things will become more clear with time. I live in a pretty rough area where it's not safe to talk about this. my nephew came out as gay a few years ago and life has been pretty hellish for him. even having to drop out of college. and doesn't really go out in town. If my friends find out about me they're going to disown me. and there are others that would want to hurt me i'm sure. Its scary. But it's a credit to you all being so awesome that i'm getting the chance to say all this!! so thank you. you've all made me feel very welcome. Apologies for the essay-length post. i've never had a chance to talk about this. ever. Since this and my first post. I feel i'm going to remember this moment for the rest of my life. If you read this far. Thank you

    - Lotus Flower

  2. #2


    Thank you for sharing your story and never, never, never apologize on ADISC for a long autobiographical story. That's what we're here for! You have certainly taken the first few steps towards acceptance and from what I hear, it isn't always easy. There are many. many more members here who will be giving you better advice than I, but for now, just relax. Don't worry about the future. Accept yourself and things will eventaully work out.
    Last edited by zipperless; 15-Feb-2014 at 13:57. Reason: Corrected grammer and spelling

  3. #3


    Thank you. I definitely need to take your advice and relax. Writing and posting all this is taking its toll on me. feeling alot of emotion right now. physically shaking too. all the responses i've received so far have been so nice and friendly. it helps me feel ok about things. i just need to take a deep breath, take this one step at a time and stop getting so worked up. if i'm really late with responses to anyone or anything its because i haven't got the privacy to come on here. but as soon as i'm alone i'll be back. speak soon.

  4. #4


    Hey LotusFlower, I'm glad you are already feeling really comfortable around here and were able to open up! Supporting you is what we are here to to do, and you seem especially sweet too so it makes it even easier and makes me want to be able to help you.

    First of all, as a male-to-female transgender I of course understand a lot of the things you are talking about. I know what it's like to have simple little things make you feel so good, simple comments that just validate you.. to have tasks that normal girls do like shaving your legs feel extremely nervous and give you the jitters. My advice to you on stuff like this is that if there is something you can do to make yourself feel better, if your heart really wants something then you should try to give it to yourself. Don't hold yourself back to the point where it hurts. I'm glad you are getting lots of clothes that will hopefully make you feel as beautiful as you obviously are, and if you are being safe then I think it's wonderful you are doing this for yourself.

    I also understand the feelings of feeling like you were cursed for being born a guy, or like this is some kind of punishment. As hard as it can be for me to follow my own advice, I want to say that I think you should try your very hardest not to think those things. Every person on this beautiful planet, every human being has their own trials and hardships to overcome. I know it can feel so tough, I would always cry and tell myself.. "How come just doing the most basic things that other girls get to do every single day is so hard for me?" but I think with every trial in life these things will help you become a better person at the end of it. One of the most amazing things about the transgender community is we are so often not only accepting of each other but accepting of many other people.

    I want you to know too that even outside of the transgender community (although there are so many within) there are people who are ready to love you and be your friend too. I'm friends with bunches of normal people who love me for who I am, and I know there are people out there who would be willing to do the same. They exist all over this planet, even if we sometimes only focus on the mean ones out there. One 'normal' person once told me that they thought transgendered people were so sweet and adorable. I was told by another how much they admire our strength. I was told by a guy (hehe) that he thought transgendered girls were some of the prettiest girls in the whole wide world, because in his experience not only are we more accepting and understand men, but we embrace our femininity so strongly too and he just finds it so attractive.

    My biggest advice to you though, after saying all this is to just follow your heart. Keep yourself safe, don't do anything drastic or irreversible, but do what will make your beautiful self happy. Lying to your heart is the worst lie of all in my opinion, you have to be you in your most private moments at least. You have to be able to love who you, and you'll find when you do that it's so much easier for others to love you too. I'm so sorry you are scared about the way your friends and your town will react to this news, but if you have to there are other places out there and I promise you.. ACTUAL friends would be understanding and be there for you here. If they couldn't stick by you after hearing it then you'll know who your true friends are, and they'll be true friends for you as you continue down your path. I won't lie and say this is easy or that it won't have it's moments that make you cry and hurt so bad, but if you really feel you can't feel comfortable as a man anymore and you are a female.. then I've seen too many people go years and years trying to deny it only to regret that missed time. Be true to yourself. You only have one life and you just can't spend it being someone else. If you can only do one thing in your life, you should at least be YOU.

    Also, continue to ask questions and seek out support here on ADISC! We have a thriving and accepting transgender community and we'll be here for you!

  5. #5


    Thank you gigglemuffinz. i don't really know what to say. speechless. i came on here last night to see. i wanted to reply, but i couldn't because i was on the verge of tears. ok, maybe i cried a lil bit . Joining this forum was the best thing i could have possibly done! I woke up this morning and the sun seemed brighter, i feel so much more... me. this has been an incredibly emotional weekend for me. I know i'm going to have a difficult time ahead. But i'm excited about it too. i just want to shout out loud HOW HAPPY I AM RIGHT NOW! AHHH!! but no one who sees me knows this is going on. hopefully soon i will be able to show them who i am. again, thank you gigglemuffinz your message felt very from the heart, and It's had an effect on me beyond words. and, thank you everybody! Your all amazing! I'm going to go for a bit. maybe post later when i'm not a blubbering mess. haha. I'm in a state of total joy. Bye for now

    - Lotus Flower

  6. #6


    Welcome to ADISC, do you have a nappy history? I hope you don't mind me asking but I could not find a mention in your intro' piece. I feel a connection with you - there's not many years between us age wise and I live in the UK - but if we could talk nappies as well that'd be great. I don't want to sound authoritarian here (and my god I'm not!) but ADISC is mainly (unless I've got completely the wrong end of the stick) a forum for people living alternative and born-with/circumstantial lifestyles relating to nappies. I hope we both connect and talk more...bringmesunshine

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by bringmesunshine View Post
    Welcome to ADISC, do you have a nappy history? I hope you don't mind me asking but I could not find a mention in your intro' piece. I feel a connection with you - there's not many years between us age wise and I live in the UK - but if we could talk nappies as well that'd be great. I don't want to sound authoritarian here (and my god I'm not!) but ADISC is mainly (unless I've got completely the wrong end of the stick) a forum for people living alternative and born-with/circumstantial lifestyles relating to nappies. I hope we both connect and talk more...bringmesunshine
    ADISC is also a place for "littles" - Those who consider themselves older than babies and no longer in diapers, but still like to dress young. There are also some here who are "mommies" and "daddies" who take care of ABs and then there are a few who have nothing to do with diapers here but love the community and offer a lot of support for those who do.

  8. #8


    Hey LotusFlower, and welcome to ADISC! Thanks for sharing your story with us. Getting it out for the first time is the hardest part, and I'm really glad you did.

    The most important thing I've ever learned, in dealing with my own cross-dressing and desire to be a baby, is that it's OK to be you, whoever you are. I knew I liked dressing up in girls' clothing from the time I was ten (I should mention that although I'm not transgender, I do have time where I feel a strong pull towards being feminine and want to be thought of as a girl). Well, my first thought was to repress it. And I did, on and off, for years, although never with consistent success. Even the horrible incident where I was caught by my mother while wearing her underwear didn't end the urges - it scared me off of cross-dressing for a few years, but it didn't end the feminine feelings.

    From this I learned the big lesson: You can't fight who you are. The key is to accept yourself and love yourself for who you are.

    Oddly, I never really got in control of my feelings until I accepted them. When I decided that I was OK as a cross dresser, I was able to control the desires, and do what I did safely. Being part of a community like this one was a huge part of that, too.

    That's why I'm so glad you shared with us, Lotus. Shame drags us down so much, and steals so much joy we could have. But when you love who you really are, it's a peace and a freedom so huge that it feels...well, probably the way it did when you read gigglemuffinz' awesome post! You have a right to be you, whether the real you ends up being male, female, or anywhere in between. Some people may try and be nasty, or simply not understand. But you were made the way you are for a reason. You're not bad, or defective. You're beautiful just how you were created. And you're not alone!

    This community can hopefully be somewhere safe for you to be who you really are. If you're able to join and real life transgender support groups, that's probably be wise, too. Face to face talks with people who've lived what you have would probably help you a lot. Also, you're always welcome on this forum. We all need friends who get what we're going through, and hopefully we can do that for you too.

    Welcome to ADISC, and I hope you'll stick around!

  9. #9


    Hello everyone! I'm back again. i'm sorry if i take some time between my posts and replies. I need privacy to come on here which i don't always have. and sometimes i am too emotional to post.

    yesterday, when i woke up. i heard my real voice whisper to me "wakey wakey, its a new day " is that weird? i don't know, lol. my head was swimming and my heart was pounding. The fact i've admitted this now, to all of you, and to myself. it's made all my feelings so much more intense. which is a great feeling. i can't really find the words to express it. But then, i spiraled. i felt scared, angry at myself. depressed. I was really really upset and with company and just pretending to be fine. As much as i'm trying to hide it. My family can tell there's something up. Im coming to realise, i've been like this for a long time. Becoming increasingly reclusive and shying away from people. I can get irritable, it almost feels like i don't want people to look at me, like i'm wrong. and i just want to be left on my own sometimes. I don't want this to be damaging to myself and my relationships anymore. i don't know how much longer i can go before i just have to blurt this out. face-to-face. I think i to would be a good idea to speak with my doctor too. This is not going to go away. I'm early on in accepting this, and really don't want to rush things. I'm very fragile at the moment. but i'm absolutely sure this is what my heart want's. the emotions are so intense.

    the same thing is happening again this morning. i feel so high. a bit anxious though i'm worrying that bad feelings are going to come back and i don't want that. Mixed emotions, i feel happy, beautiful, even a bit sexy (until i look in the mirror). i think i need to explore some thoughts and feelings i've been getting. about love and sexuality. i know in the forums it says about keeping things PG-13. I wouldn't be crude. I hope i can be ok to talk about that too?

    I'd like to thank everyone on here. your all such kind, caring, beautiful people. I could just hug you all to death! haha. obviously i can't this is the internet. but i hope the thought counts . I don't know how i've been so lucky, i sometimes feel like i don't deserve all this kindness. I'd just like to say though, to everyone who's sent me a message. You've been saying such wonderful things. And it means so much to me. I honestly can't thank you enough. If your following this thread. your sharing in a huge moment in my life. I'm aware so far that i've just been posting in this thread, and talking about me. I'd love to learn more about you too! I'd like to stick around if thats ok? .

    ok, i better go soon. incredibly emotional. Think i might start crying again, but its all because of joy. I can feel every breath i take at the moment. i feel alive. I really need to work on controlling this so i don't become a blubbering emotional mess all the time! haha. but you know, i enjoy feeling like this. speak soon!

    - Lotus Flower

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by bringmesunshine View Post
    Welcome to ADISC, do you have a nappy history? I hope you don't mind me asking but I could not find a mention in your intro' piece. I feel a connection with you - there's not many years between us age wise and I live in the UK - but if we could talk nappies as well that'd be great. I don't want to sound authoritarian here (and my god I'm not!) but ADISC is mainly (unless I've got completely the wrong end of the stick) a forum for people living alternative and born-with/circumstantial lifestyles relating to nappies. I hope we both connect and talk more...bringmesunshine
    Hi there BringMeSunshine! Nice to meet you. No. i have not had a history with nappies. although, i've read some threads and it sounds great. and i get really happy when i see people talking so openly and expressing themselves. were all unique and beautiful in our own ways. (hearing myself say that, feels kind of ironic when i find it hard to say it to myself) i'm very new to this site and wasn't really sure what it was all about. but i read a few threads and found things i could really relate to. I hope the fact that i'm not into nappies myself (or at least, that i know of, i'm discovering alot of things about myself, but i need to pace myself) i hope that doesn't exclude me from this community. I'd like to stay, and i've been made very welcome by all the nice people on here so far!

    Eek got to go, people are here. i'll come back when i have some privacy again. hope we can talk more and speak soon.

    - Lotus Flower

  10. #10


    You almost identical to me except for the whole "christmas" thing.

    Being male-to-female transgender, I can relate to EVERYTHING you said, the hair, the body, the clothes, the girls wanting to do my hair or being jealous of my hair, or even mistaking me for a girl. Hell, even the becoming a "regular guy" at some point thing. Everything you said sounds identical to my early situations, the only thing was that I didnt exlore dressing or wearing gender specific clothes until maybe last year.

    It can be a scary realization to come to, and a hard road to walk ~ even with support from all my friends and family ~ its still a tough path to walk because the rest of society doesn't always agree... I've found myself left out from certain social situations because of friends of friends or because of their families being closed minded or ignorant.

    The main thin that is worth saying is that you are you and that is what matters; its scary to be you sometimes because we grow up in a world that tries to robotize us the moment we come out of the wound, we are mentally trained to believe that there is ONE path to a successful or happy life and as we grow older, we find ourselves straying from this "perfect path" (because its how life is supposed to be, there is no predetermined path), and it hits us like a ton of cinderblocks ~ we feel guilt and shame either brought on by our disagreeing thoughts or by a disagreeing society who are following their pre-determined robotic path to success and happiness, and in the end are miserable because they never had the guts or the balls to live their life the way THEY wanted to, out of fear that "random strangers" would disagree.

    So its worth remembering that while its scary to be out and be you and embrace your uniqueness, its always a good thing to remember that no matter WHAT you do, someone somewhere is going to disagree and have a negative opinion about it, so never be ashamed or feel guilty for who you are. I know some may disagree with me on what I'm about to say: but i feel like this world requires great risk when fighting the battle of freedom to be yourself ~ if its truly hard to be different in your area, i would suggest taking a self-defense class, or multiple classes, so that you can be yourself and fuck up anyone who tries to change it with physical force.

    As gigglemuffinz said, there are plenty of people out there that want someone just like you as their friend, companion, lover, etc. The best part about all this is knowing that you are not even remotely alone. Do yourself a favor and make these short 100 years the best damn years of your life, because even negative emotions felt on the wrong path are better than positive emotions felt on the wrong one.

    I'm not going to make assumptions on where you fall on the gender spectrum, thats for you to decide or for a psychologist to diagnose in terms of gender confusion ~ but I will say this; Since embracing and coming out as male-to-female transgender, my life has become significantly harder, my depression episodes last longer and are more drastic, things are just overall harder to deal with ~ but i wouldn't trade it in with how I use to feel... I'd rather walk a hard path with a clear view of my horizon, than walk a foggy path, not knowing what is around the corner..... I always hated playing video games where you could only save at certain points, not knowing if I was going to die from a really crazy boss battle around the corner... so I would sometimes save, sometimes not save.... thats how I saw my life before I started transitioning.. I would overanalyze, overly consider everything, afraid to lose it all... but since then, its like my life is on auto-save.... I can't go back and I dont WANT to go back because everything is a new experience and I can HANDLE it SO MUCH BETTER now... when I was confused... i couldnt deal with any situation properly... but now despite having MORE problems, i can handle them as if they were nothing... im more happy, less angry, etc.

    I went off on a tangent, but the point im trying to make is that A) no need to feel ashamed, guilty, or a need to apologize for yourself, B) you're not alone and never will be alone, there is an unofficial sisterhood or brotherhood that may not even know you yet but already want you to succeed, and C) Do what makes you happy, because in the end when you do what makes you happy and forget what the rest of the world thinks or might think, you see the rest of the world with eyes of pity because they don't feel as free as you do.

    Also, I know how you feel like being born male was a punishment... i have and sometimes still do feel that very same way; but sometimes i just tell myself "i'm still evolving into who I want to be, and i'll get there"

    I know others have already said so much and saying this will mean little after the others have put it so well and eloquently, but I thought i'd just give my 2 cents.

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