So as some, like CrinclyEmilyLG know (the aforementioned having talked to over skype many times.) I am currently trying to figure myself out in terms of my gender alignment and such. While this is something I must figure out for myself, opinions help give me more questions to ask myself, and help me think. I don't think anyone should trust themselves entirely, as it's so easy to be in denial of something, and lie to yourself. So opinions really help. So first, as typical of me, bieng hesitant and with a very strong conscience, nothing is meant to offend anyone, so please do not be offended. I have been trying to figure myself out, and as new ideas and opinions are very helpful, I am just going to throw the facts out and ignore my own awkwardness or any fear I might have of reactions, and throw all the stuff out their anyway. Perhaps a simple list?
- I am a male physically
- I present as male with no problems in day to day life. All my family don't even know I have any gender issues or confusion.
- When presenting as male it's in general cisgender I guess. I am more stoic and emotionally controlled often.
- However when online and not in public, this is when my little side, and my more feminine side come into play, as I guess I feel safer to expose it online...and I guess what some random person on the net thinks can be far less damaging to hear than the same thing from a friend of family member?
- I sometimes....err...often?...Typically? I guess all of those, find that the more little I get, I typically get generally more girly my societies standards.
- I roleplay on many multiple sites, currently "Soul Eater" and "Shadowrun play by post." Ont he first site I have1 female character, one male, and the second, only a female. In generally it's sorta even, often leaning female when the numbers are odd, I try to keep it even for some odd reason.
- In my past RP character history...RP forums where characters are well made with multi-paragraphs appearances, personalities, histories, etc. where characters can last months or longer...I guess until they die or you leave the forum, etc. Anyway, I have probably had at least 3? granted that is well in the minority, characters who somehow had a gender swap, MtF. Oncce was a twilight vampire character, once a pokemorph RP (that I had made and died after a month or so.) where the sickness that caused the morph resulted in the gender change in the process, etc. I can only recall 3, but there might well be more. So maybe that has some significance? I feel it might, not sure.
- When I daydream, maybe half the characters are female. 3 characters of my daydreams change genders, typically born male. not rarely or uncommonly, do these change to and from multiple times. I feel perhaps daydream characcters have mroe significance than forum RP characters, though not sure on that, and if they do, I am not sure why.
- When I do talk to someone or break through some emotional barriers, usualy temporarily, myself, I sometimes, if often, feel my typical male cisgender presentation is basically a wall/protective thing that protects a more "inner self" type thing. I think this is due to bullying, both in school as a kid and in family to a degree.
- In terms of the above "in family to a degree", my dad was a drunk and a smoker, the prior he has quit, the former he has mostly quit, nearly there. But that's in the last few years, and I am 26 years old. So as a kid he could be angry some days for no apparent reason. And this and other tihngs put stress on my mom. And both parents react to stress or being emotionally hurt by bottling it up, and takingt he stress out on us via a general grumpy mood and being more prone to anger.
- As far as the school bullying, I was always the midget, due to my panhypopituitarism I took growth hormones as a kid, and only grew to my curent max od 5 feet 6, and my growth plates in my bones are fused, thus no more growth (asside from musculature and far and such.) is possible. And in middle school/late elementary school, I commonly cried after getting home, just to be told to "grow a thick skin" and "man up" as I see now, and saw then even, as being hypocritical as they bottled/bottle everything up and get grumpy and angry over little things with family. I do NOT see this as "manning up" or "having a thick skin".
- In little mode, I want nothing more than to cuddle my plushies, perhaps with a paci. Have a sippy cup or bottle, and be cute and cuddly. I value innocence above all else. In fact, I view my typical cisgender male self that everyone around my sees (and I present far less often here, and for some reason, the soul eater RP site I am on.) as a part of my selve whose purpose, to some great degree at least, is to protect my innocence. Something I refuse to let the world take from me. It seems virtually all people loose the ability to be innocent. Perhaps my greatest fantasy would just be to find a partner that I could be little with. Not being brest fed, or to have a diaper changed. I just want someone to cuddle up with, perhaps with a paci and a stuffed animal, and who loves my little side. Diapers are surprisingly less essential to me than most here it seems. Part of this I attribute to the fact that aparently my family deems that after you hit your teens, you don't need affection or hugging, or told you are loved much, regardless of gender, but even more especially if you are male. And though I feel embarrassed to say it, I wish that such an ideal partner not just loved that side of me, but thought it was cute...I kinda wish my little side was viewed as cute...my little side wants that.
- At least...sometimes...I like being called a girl, and identify with that gender. By that I meant...It's not a "forced into girly stuff" thing, but a "natural" thing... I am not sure if it's always, or just occasionally, as I am rarely referred to that way, and in rare situation has me feeling girly ahead of time and actively before that comes anyway.
- Just to be clear, I have no goals or fantasies of being "sissified/sissy-fied". I don't like or want to be humiliated, nor do I have any of what I know of as the typical "sissy" desires. I could be wrong, but I currently don't think of it even as a possibility.
- All I can think of currently...but I might edit in more?
So, any opinions? Do you think that, like one of my online friends, I am gender-fluid, but they think I might be trans. Another of my online friends, a member here I mentioned at the start, CrinklyEmilyLG, seems to see the same possibility at least, I am not sure entirely of her views. Anyway...I know labels are inaccurate, and that no label can truly define anyone, due to everyone being unique. Regardless, I want to figure myself out, and what I best identify with, I doubt anything will be 100% perfect. am I closest to Gender-Fluid, am I just a more girly-guy, am I trans? (The last possibility I admit exists, but it scares me a bit.) Perhaps I am male with a female little side? (basically a LG/Little Girl, in this forums terms at least.)
So, what is your opinion? Even if you just read the post, thanks! At the very least it feels nice to get it out, entirely.