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Thread: Gathering Opinions

  1. #1

    Default Gathering Opinions

    So as some, like CrinclyEmilyLG know (the aforementioned having talked to over skype many times.) I am currently trying to figure myself out in terms of my gender alignment and such. While this is something I must figure out for myself, opinions help give me more questions to ask myself, and help me think. I don't think anyone should trust themselves entirely, as it's so easy to be in denial of something, and lie to yourself. So opinions really help. So first, as typical of me, bieng hesitant and with a very strong conscience, nothing is meant to offend anyone, so please do not be offended. I have been trying to figure myself out, and as new ideas and opinions are very helpful, I am just going to throw the facts out and ignore my own awkwardness or any fear I might have of reactions, and throw all the stuff out their anyway. Perhaps a simple list?

    • I am a male physically

    • I present as male with no problems in day to day life. All my family don't even know I have any gender issues or confusion.

    • When presenting as male it's in general cisgender I guess. I am more stoic and emotionally controlled often.

    • However when online and not in public, this is when my little side, and my more feminine side come into play, as I guess I feel safer to expose it online...and I guess what some random person on the net thinks can be far less damaging to hear than the same thing from a friend of family member?

    • I sometimes....err...often?...Typically? I guess all of those, find that the more little I get, I typically get generally more girly my societies standards.

    • I roleplay on many multiple sites, currently "Soul Eater" and "Shadowrun play by post." Ont he first site I have1 female character, one male, and the second, only a female. In generally it's sorta even, often leaning female when the numbers are odd, I try to keep it even for some odd reason.

    • In my past RP character history...RP forums where characters are well made with multi-paragraphs appearances, personalities, histories, etc. where characters can last months or longer...I guess until they die or you leave the forum, etc. Anyway, I have probably had at least 3? granted that is well in the minority, characters who somehow had a gender swap, MtF. Oncce was a twilight vampire character, once a pokemorph RP (that I had made and died after a month or so.) where the sickness that caused the morph resulted in the gender change in the process, etc. I can only recall 3, but there might well be more. So maybe that has some significance? I feel it might, not sure.

    • When I daydream, maybe half the characters are female. 3 characters of my daydreams change genders, typically born male. not rarely or uncommonly, do these change to and from multiple times. I feel perhaps daydream characcters have mroe significance than forum RP characters, though not sure on that, and if they do, I am not sure why.

    • When I do talk to someone or break through some emotional barriers, usualy temporarily, myself, I sometimes, if often, feel my typical male cisgender presentation is basically a wall/protective thing that protects a more "inner self" type thing. I think this is due to bullying, both in school as a kid and in family to a degree.

    • In terms of the above "in family to a degree", my dad was a drunk and a smoker, the prior he has quit, the former he has mostly quit, nearly there. But that's in the last few years, and I am 26 years old. So as a kid he could be angry some days for no apparent reason. And this and other tihngs put stress on my mom. And both parents react to stress or being emotionally hurt by bottling it up, and takingt he stress out on us via a general grumpy mood and being more prone to anger.

    • As far as the school bullying, I was always the midget, due to my panhypopituitarism I took growth hormones as a kid, and only grew to my curent max od 5 feet 6, and my growth plates in my bones are fused, thus no more growth (asside from musculature and far and such.) is possible. And in middle school/late elementary school, I commonly cried after getting home, just to be told to "grow a thick skin" and "man up" as I see now, and saw then even, as being hypocritical as they bottled/bottle everything up and get grumpy and angry over little things with family. I do NOT see this as "manning up" or "having a thick skin".

    • In little mode, I want nothing more than to cuddle my plushies, perhaps with a paci. Have a sippy cup or bottle, and be cute and cuddly. I value innocence above all else. In fact, I view my typical cisgender male self that everyone around my sees (and I present far less often here, and for some reason, the soul eater RP site I am on.) as a part of my selve whose purpose, to some great degree at least, is to protect my innocence. Something I refuse to let the world take from me. It seems virtually all people loose the ability to be innocent. Perhaps my greatest fantasy would just be to find a partner that I could be little with. Not being brest fed, or to have a diaper changed. I just want someone to cuddle up with, perhaps with a paci and a stuffed animal, and who loves my little side. Diapers are surprisingly less essential to me than most here it seems. Part of this I attribute to the fact that aparently my family deems that after you hit your teens, you don't need affection or hugging, or told you are loved much, regardless of gender, but even more especially if you are male. And though I feel embarrassed to say it, I wish that such an ideal partner not just loved that side of me, but thought it was cute...I kinda wish my little side was viewed as little side wants that.
    • At least...sometimes...I like being called a girl, and identify with that gender. By that I meant...It's not a "forced into girly stuff" thing, but a "natural" thing... I am not sure if it's always, or just occasionally, as I am rarely referred to that way, and in rare situation has me feeling girly ahead of time and actively before that comes anyway.

    • Just to be clear, I have no goals or fantasies of being "sissified/sissy-fied". I don't like or want to be humiliated, nor do I have any of what I know of as the typical "sissy" desires. I could be wrong, but I currently don't think of it even as a possibility.

    • All I can think of currently...but I might edit in more?

    So, any opinions? Do you think that, like one of my online friends, I am gender-fluid, but they think I might be trans. Another of my online friends, a member here I mentioned at the start, CrinklyEmilyLG, seems to see the same possibility at least, I am not sure entirely of her views. Anyway...I know labels are inaccurate, and that no label can truly define anyone, due to everyone being unique. Regardless, I want to figure myself out, and what I best identify with, I doubt anything will be 100% perfect. am I closest to Gender-Fluid, am I just a more girly-guy, am I trans? (The last possibility I admit exists, but it scares me a bit.) Perhaps I am male with a female little side? (basically a LG/Little Girl, in this forums terms at least.)

    So, what is your opinion? Even if you just read the post, thanks! At the very least it feels nice to get it out, entirely.

  2. #2


    It makes a lot of sense to me that you would be a cisgender male with an LG side, thats not uncommon either. But being gender-fluid or a feminine guy differ GREATLY from being trans ~ the most important thing you can do to help make the determination is to REFLECT. Did you ever feel like you might have to pretend or did you ever feel like your life didn't make a whole lot of sense? Maybe there was a point in time where you felt as though you couldn't relate to men as well as you did with women, or perhaps when you were much younger you felt like you were different but couldn't explain how.

    Being trans is more than just feeling like you're feminine, its about feeling feminine and feeling like your body doesn't comply with it. If you are comfortable in your body and your gender but like to act female from time to time then its possible you might just be gender fluid, or an LG if these feminine moments mostly happen when you are feeling little or strictly when you are feeling little. The hard part is learning to differentiate between what is a genuine feeling and what is a barrier. For me, after a couple of months of deeply exploring my feminine side by dressing up and doing other things, i realized that I HATED being male and that I only did it because it was expected of me, or that I adopted the personality a long time ago simply to fit in, but I never felt like i could relate to my male friends in the slightest in anything other than common interests. When you are trans, you feel trapped or like you are walking around in your own personal cage, and unable to express yourself properly.

    You have to ask yourself ~ Are you happy being seen as a girly-guy and possibly mistaken for gay? or are you happy being seen as genderfluid? or a cross-dresser?(should it come to that in the future.)

    Because when I asked myself those questions, my answer was a clear and concise: No. and that was what helped me determine that I am not gender fluid, im not a girly guy, im not a feminine male or a sissy or just an LG. Because i didn't like the idea of being a feminine male or being a man with a girl side.... I felt like a woman, full on, in thought, in emotion, and eventually the more I accepted this side of me, the less male I felt and the more female I felt, until finally I no longer even percieve myself as even remotely male in any way other than appearance, and I even now have a hard time seeing HOW anyone can see any male in me. Which is why often times I will look in the mirror and have to hold back tears because my appearance lies about the way I feel, and who I feel I am.

    Try to set aside the uncertainty or possibilities or fears, try to imagine yourself in a perfect world ~ write or create a character if it helps that is essentially and for all intents and purposes 'YOU' and imagine your life as being born a woman, or having transitioned and gotten all the support you needed. Or try to create a scenario in which you entertained the idea of you being trans (its just on paper so its a safe medium), and talk about it as if everything was going to plan, you come out, everyone accepts you, you start hormones etc. try to ENVISION your life as a woman, and then reflect on your past to determine whether or not you are or were ever happy being male.

    Often times i'll feel less genuine since I didn't "feel i was trans since i was very little", but when i think about it, the only reason i didnt feel i was trans was because i never knew that such a thing existed up until my high-school years, and at that point i had adopted such a heavy male persona that I even grew an ignorant dislike for the transcommunity (which my psychologist said was probably a subconscious reaction of denial). But when i stopped lying to myself and stopped feeling like I had anyone to impress or convince of my masculinity, I realized that the entirety of my masculinity was nothing but an ACT. I tried to push my masculinity and make sure people believed there was nothing feminine about me, until i learned to trust people more and saw more of my sensitive side come out, until eventually people knew i was a very effeminate and sensitive person ~ then i started experimenting with clothes and names and appearances and scenarios... and one day my mind just CLICKED... and i realize "I dont want to go back... i want to stay here for the rest of my life."..

    After that point (regardless of my appearance) things that i was afraid to admit or accept or do as male, became totally easy to accept or embrace, i was proud of things that i would've otherwise been ashamed of ~ I was doing things that as a male i would've otherwise been too embarrassed to do. On top of that, when i first dressed up as a little girl as opposed to a little boy... for the FIRST TIME in my life, i felt like I was cute. I would always cry to my wife becuase i felt like such an ugly little boy.... then i dressed up like a little girl and saw NOTHING but..... something RIGHT... something CORRECT...

    Thats why you have to explore more of yourself in a more physical aspect, because at some point, talking and fiction alone wont be enough to help you make a determination.

  3. #3


    I'm no kind of expert, but I think when talking about gender dysphoria, the question to ask is, Does it interfere with your daily life? And if so, to what extent? That's kind of the "by the book" criterium for GID. The reality is a bit more complicated than that, though. People have a funny way of not fitting into black and white definitions.

    From the sound of it, I don't think you're transgendered.

    I say this, because you mention that when talking with someone with whom you feel comfortable, you can break through "emotional barriers", and reveal qualities and attributes that you feel are the real you. And that your male cisgendered self is like a shield, in a way. *But to think that* means that you have an idea of what a typical "male cisgendered" person is. I think that's important to think about.

    What is a typical male cisgendered person like?

    And conversely, what is a typical female cisgendered person like?

    Exploring those will tell you a lot about yourself.

    You are sensitive and vulnerable, and I think you may identify with femininity, but not necessarily femaleness, echoing what CrinklyEmilyLG said. You say things like how you value innocence and enjoy being cute and cuddly, and I am just smiling. Because anyone can value innocence and be adorable; not just girls ~! Boys are so often encouraged to be tough and hard and unfeeling, but at the core, people are people. Everything I, as a biological female, can feel, a boy can feel, and I look forward to living in a world where a person's real self will be celebrated and loved, rather than shuttered.

    Everyone needs to be shown affection and to be secure in the knowledge that they are unconditionally supported and loved. This is something that should transcend sex and gender.

    I don't know… It would take a smarter person than I am to really explain this. But I hope you continue exploring with an open mind and find the answers that you seek. But remember, there is no right way or wrong way to be a girl or boy.

  4. #4


    Thank you, I have been talking with Emily on skype since before i even hit post about this very thing. Rest assured I would seek professional help if I had the means. But with no money and the government cutting back medicaid tot he point they took mine, I have no means. After getting some things off my chest, I seem to have felt with some of the fear clouding my mind recently. To answer some questions CrinklyEmilyLG asked in skype and Henni asked:

    To me a cisgender male tends to be mostly stoic, more distant and logical and less emotional, but by the same or similar token, less empathetic. a cisgendered female is typically the opposite. In my own vague opinions. I was scared of saying that. I was raised to view it as such. However by the same token, I have 2 definitions of male, the same as above, stereotypically, and my other definition is simply genitalia. Do not misunderstand, the fire definitions are what I was raised by, not what I really believe in my heart.

    Via skype, Emily asked me that if a genie asked me: "Genie: I can make it so that you can be whoever you want to be, but you must remain in your male appearance and mind-set... You can be whatever and whoever you wanna be, you can act whichever way that pleases you without worrying about the response others will give you, but you will never be able to assume a female appearance or mindset" What my answer would be.

    After some thought, I have my answer. No, I would not accept that. I could not close off one avenue to myself. I might not have the courage to live however I feel now, but hope to someday. And, more importantly, I might feel differently later, and I would forever regret it. But by the same token, I do not think that a male who happens to be feminine, would enjoy being called a girl (not forced intot he role, but mistaken for one, or being intentionally mislabeled for non-humiliating purposes as one. And on some level. I do. This seems significant to me, I am just not sure on what exactly that means.

    I hope all of this helps in someway?

  5. #5


    There are some similarities between you and me, by the sounds of things. Like you, I'm happy to present to the world as male, and I don't feel dysphoria over this. But my little side is almost exclusively female, and extremely feminine. As an adult I also go through times where I want to wear women's clothes and present to the world as female (though I haven't gone public as female, and have no plans to in the near future!) So I'm usually male, but have female 'flashes', particularly in little mode.

    This forum introduced me to the term 'bigender' - having two genders that you switch between. I felt it described me well. You mentioned sometimes wanting to be identified as a girl and being drawn to feminine things. Do you feel like sometimes you're male and sometimes female? That's what bigender is. It may be a term worth looking into.

    In the end, regardless of your label, you're you, and you're OK for that reason Do what makes you the happiest, while staying safe, and you won't go wrong.

  6. #6


    Well, I have been thinking more, and have come to conclusion that I am fairly sure I am a LG. I look at my nephews, 3 are between 4 and 6, one is 2, and one not yet born. They all ran around as older babies/toddlers, wrestling plushies and using dinosaurs to bite your fingers, wanting you to yell "Ow" and such. My little side isn't really like that at all. The idea of wrestling a stuffed animal, or inflicting pain on it doesn't at all sound amusing or fun. I dislike and feel awkward playing with cars or action figures...which to me boys just want a less girly name for dolls...which they really are...To be honest, right now at least, that sounds fairly like me adventurer. I am not really sure, but I guess in the end, no matter what I am, I am me. And despite still wanting to figure myself out, that is comforting. Thanks for all the advice thus far!
    Last edited by CuriousOne; 11-Feb-2014 at 22:48.

  7. #7


    I am TG and have known I was female since, well, since I discovered what "female" meant. And there was never a single doubt in my mind, though I was not one of the brave modern little girls who actually acts on it and tells her parents about it. Nope: I hid it utterly and was pretty darned miserable for a very long time pretending to be what I appeared to be, a cisgender boy. After a very long journey, I found my way to where I should have been all along. And along the way I can remember a couple of interesting conversations.

    One was with a TG woman in Edmonton, the summer when I was forty, the summer when I was in the process of tearing apart the facade of comfort and happiness and simple suburban joy that had maintained me for two decades and threatening to leave it in shatters. At that time I had no idea what I would do: could I really transition? Could I really risk it all: my marriage, my career, maybe even my children? We had a wonderful evening together as I was passing through town with the kids on a long car trip, and one of her closing lines to me was this: "I know what you are going to do, you know."

    "God," I said, "I wish to hell you'd tell me."

    But she said I needed to figure it out myself, and she was correct. You are, too, when you say that you are the only one who can determine for yourself what is right and who you are. But another important conversation from my past might be significant as well:

    I was speaking to Dr. Randi Ettner, notable gender therapist and author of Gender Loving Care and Confessions of a Gender Defender. We were not speaking about me, but about my son, who was also showing indications of being TG, though I was hoping for all I was worth that it was not true. (Who would want her offspring to go through this?) Randi said this: "Almost everyone knows innately what gender they are. 100%. The very fact that your child questions it at all means that, at least to some extent, gender dysphoria is present. How much is what we need to discover."

    I'll never forget that. It made perfect sense, and it jibed so well with what I've said to cisgender folks who don't get it ever since all of this came to public light in my world: "You never have, even one single time, questioned your gender. Well neither have I." The fact that someone feels that assigned gender is wrong equals gender dysphoria. That said, however, gender dysphoria does not necessarily equal "trans." As Randi said: there are varying levels of GD, as there is a wide spectrum into which gender itself falls. Ultimately, you will need to puzzle all of this out, and therapy is the best bet for doing that.

    Bottom line: it's a hell of a lot easier in this world if you're not trans. OTOH, it's damn near impossible to live in this world happily if you are trans and you don't do anything about it. The odds are excellent that you fall somewhere short of trans on the GD spectrum. I wish you good luck as you continue your self-examination. Seek a good therapist; get recommendations from people you trust. And begin the conversation.

  8. #8


    the questions that you are asking about your identity; your "gender alignment and such" as you put it..... simply can't be answered in the vacuum of the closet that you seem to live in..... ADISC and your home in effect. please don't take this badly, i don't mean it so. let me try and explain. but be warned, the answers you seek are best found deep down a rabbit-hole that you may not wish to poke your head into.
    i know that i didn't when i first went looking....

    it seems that most folks devolve a decent to strong sense of their gender identity and sexual preference by puberty.
    but for those of use who for one reason or another, do not. these things are not so obvious.... or maybe they are totally misaligned. regardless, we have to boot-strap ourselves to some sort of understanding in this field, and do so while hiding our social ineptness from everyone around us. they all have a label and we don't...... life is a bitch sometimes!

    well, in getting back to the answer's you seek.... you are right, you need feed-back. you need the help of people, you need friends.
    now you could always start off with a professional opinion, but that isn't worth all that much as it is only a clinical assessment in effect. pardon me for saying this, but what ever it is that you are, you are going to have to learn to live it.... walk the walk as it were.

    as it was first put to me decades ago by my elders;
    if you don't understand your sexuality and or gender....
    then go out among the gay community and start exploring these things with those folks who themselves are not afraid to openly and defiantly ask such questions and seek such answers. regardless of how far down the rabbit-hole it take's them.

    it's only with real life experience within the culture at large, that that we can truly understand how we fit-in to society. and thus abandon our closet's for the bigger world.....

    lodge wrecker

    (as an after-thought)

    if i had grown-up within my Father's culture, say 200 centuries ago.... i would have been encouraged to expressed my natural gender/sexuality as i was born. there would never have been the question of "dysphoria". my Father's people, my Folks would have me in stride. in that culture, i wouldn't have been a "transexual" as i am in this culture today in america.
    and i understand there are a very few places in the world where the same is still true today. just not here....
    Last edited by littlelodgewrecker; 12-Feb-2014 at 04:00.

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