Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Diapers, self-hate, and my life (Warning Tough Discussion Ahead)

  1. #1

    Default Diapers, self-hate, and my life (Warning Tough Discussion Ahead)

    Hello, I am Jonathan.

    My age is 21, and I am from southern Arkansas (that is a state in the USA)

    For many people, this location may spark special interest, or at least many people in the south, because this special region is known as the "bible belt"

    No where in the bible did it say "Don't wear diapers, use diapers, or fantasize about women wearing diapers.., and even using them"

    However, I for the longest, and still have to remind myself not to, fill guilty about this whole subject.

    So before I begin, I want to ask, have you, or do you on a regular basis fill guilty because of your associations with diapers?

    Before you read more, take the time to open a note pad, (just in case page needs refreshing to post) and go ahead an answer yes/no and to your knowledge why it is that we do feel this way sometimes.

    Now for a Boring essay on how my life with diapers progressed, you may skip over it if you choose, but I will do my best to make it as entertaining as possible, no promises.

    At the age of 6 years old my parents got divorced in SomeTown, Germany. Where my dad was a bit of a immature man, and squandered his money, leaving my mother with the stress of hot-checks, unpaved bills, and 4 children, 3 of which are my sisters, that needed lots of love, and a whole lot less fighting.

    I chose to live with my mother, as my dad was in charge of discipline, and being as naive as I was, I naturally choose the "safer looking" option, and my 3 sisters had no choice in the matter, just me, the only boy, the only thing my dad ever wanted, we then flew home leaving my father at the military post for the rest of his time in Germany, I always wonder what it would be like to have grew up there.. as I do look quite German, so much so I once had a female speak German to me at a Pizza Hut.

    I grew up back in Arkansas, where I was born. My great grandpa, on my mother's mother's side of the family, passed away and left us with a place to stay, where all 3 of my sisters slept on the floor in one room, I slept in the backroom, on a box spring mattress, and my mother slept in my Great's room.

    I was held back in first grade here, for being to immature, man it must run in the family, and after that my mother met my step-dad, who also just had a divorce, and somehow they fell in love, and for the longest we(children) believed they met at a grocery store.

    From here we moved to the town my step-father's family was from, and I discovered that I was a gifted child, as if something went wrong when I was born, and instead of coming out super smart, I came with a unearthly high IQ, and attention deficit hyperactive disorder, but I didn't know this at the time, and just hated myself for not being able to learn, as quick as the others (students), yet anything I knew... I knew it better than the others in my class, heck i would get caught cheating on test, not because I needed to, but because I wanted to.

    This little bit of insanity is maybe what caused my liking to the diaper, one day a friend of mine, who I no longer even know his last name, came over and spent the night, this friend wet the bed, and wore protection at night, and somehow kids know when another kid likes something, because just sitting on my bunk-bed (oh yeah upgrade! , got my old bunk-bed back from I guess the storage house my parents left our things in when they went to Germany ) right before leaping off the top bunk, onto the floor below, he stopped and said "I am peeing" or something along those lines.. and we got into an argument, and then he showed me.. the white of his diaper, that little creature of a inanimate object that became my Idle for way to long.

    Naturally like all little kids when it came to this very awkward topic, I did not have the guts to ask him to try one on.. so being a little boy, the moment he left I went dumpster diving, and sprayed the treasure with cologne, and happily wore them, and loved every moment of it.

    He came over 3-4 more major times after this, where I learned during the day he wouldn't wear them if his mom was not around, and once he did more then just urinate. I later on was able to put this information together and determine it was his choice to wear them, and he was a lot like me, however I never saw him again as his connection to my family --> was his mother, who was my Step-father's boss, and she had switched districts or something.

    In the 4rth grade I begged my way into taking the GT-IQ test, I had to beg because I didn't have the required GPA and they kept saying turning me away. Eventually other students that where in GT had let their GPA drop, so as a way to "deny" me entrance I think the old women decided to just let me and a bunch of others take the test, and by letting us take it.. those who had made Cs got to stay in.. but guess what,

    I got into Gifted and Talented, and felt like the smartest kid ever, but in the 5th grade, I found myself banging my head on the desk like a maniac anytime the teacher tried to move on, without me understanding the material.
    --Still not treated for Adhd--

    This trend continued, and I think I may have become more insane over time, and with that insanity I found myself trying on every Diaper/pulll-up I seen, unless it had feces in it.

    I was hooked onto Runescape(Online video game) when my mom got us a computer in the living room so we would stop using hers, it was old, slow, but it was ours, mainly used by me, but hey.. it was still kinda shared.

    During this time, I spent countless hours on the computer, and found myself mentally unstable as the kids at school put me though the ringer, the harder life got the more I regressed to playing on the computer, and then my first summer Church camp.

    I was a church-bus kid, and this bus would pick me up on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings and get me out of my parents business for a few hours.. what was not to love.. win for my parents, win for me, and most of all win for a church trying to hook little kids' into their religious trap, I really hated Sunday morning, but I knew if I didn't go, I wouldn't get to go to the Super-ultra-mega Convention every other summer.. and the requirement was going at least twice a month.

    So naturally over many Sunday's of drawing pictures in the back pew, I called myself a Christian.. seemed like I went to church enough to become one.

    And with that, I decided to go to camp, where I was again out-casted, by other people who had fallen into that same.. category as myself, to young to realize this was human nature, I wanted nothing to do with church.

    That was until after camp, I got a letter in the mail from one of the counselors, that really showed people people do care and do love, and so.. i trudged on another year, believing God was real, and Jesus was probably bullied... so I shouldn't be complaining.

    But, when I wasn't at school, and I wasn't at church, I really only had one place to go, and that wasn't to my room and study.

    While spending so many hours on the computer, one night after my parents went to sleep I had the courage to google "diaper"

    And.. it all began, I found story after story, and I learned maybe to much from these stories, I had fantasies, dreams, and the first time I ever masturbated.. it was because I read the story, and told myself "next time I wear a diaper I am gonna try rubbing the front of it"

    So now, a acne faced, runescape playing nerd, chess captain, and slowest receiver on the football team, who secretly wore diapers when I could, and was single 11 months out of the year, I found myself depressed, and unable to overcome the depression, I hated my life, I hated being stupid, so much so One night when my parents where not home I had to call someone to talk to prevent me from doing anything crazy.

    This cycle was never ending, and in the end, I found myself with the urge to wear diapers, I didn't understand it, I hated myself for it, it wasn't normal, and the only thing someone with ADHD wants to be, is normal, and this curse of a fetish was preventing just that.

    So I did what everyone does... I wear them anyways, and hate myself for it.

    Man, was I a messed up child, finally getting into my Junior year of high-school, women started.. taking a liking to me.. well 1/20 females that is.
    It was the self esteem boost I needed, finally for the first time in my life, since elementary, I had friends.

    -Side note, in elementary everyone has 1 person they can count on, my friend was expelled from school because of some stuff me and him did, however no one ever knew I was involved, and he was expelled and had to move.

    From here, every-time I started dating, if the relationship lasted long enough.. I would eventually come out to the girl, and till this day, every-time in the pass it has resulted in a break-up, but I have hopes for my future, with our without diapers.

    My school gave dhall for leaving books unattended in class rooms, I had dhall on a weekly bases from grade 6 to grade 12, I never turned in a homework, which was also dhall, and I would sit and draw in class, and not once, [repeat on purpose here] not once did my school force my Mom into looking into the fact that I may have ADHD, or to my knowledge even mention it to her in a parent to teacher conference.. the only thing I got from those stupid meetings was a spanking / punishment for not doing homework.

    Then I met Cami, out of all the people on these diaper websites, this girl was interested in me, i didn't have a 6pack at the time, my face was covered in acne, and I still had braces ( Junior year ) .. yet, here she is, messaging me, I would send her a message and wait a week or so and stay up all night to see if she had sent one back, I was in love with her, and I may not be in-love with her anymore, but to say the least she wouldn't have a hard time catching me in a box trap :P

    This relationship ended, when I met my high-school crush, as they call them, guess where. yeap church camp.

    This Girl was a mess, and I was that annoying goody 2 shoes that some how convinced her to date me, and man it was amazing, she was a redhead, she played sports, she did it all.

    Then, oneday ... everything went haywire, I had told her about my diaper fetish, and she wanted it to end, she wanted so bad, yet wanted to stay with me so bad, she would try to con her way into making me stop.

    After 2 months of this, I stupidly wore one around her, and within a couple of weeks, right before graduation, we broke up.

    My mother, felt the need to investigate, and I didn't know anything about incognito back then as I really didn't care for porn, I just wanted to meet someone I could love, who was like me, and my detective-like mother found her way to all these websites, and I got the lecture of a life time.

    I came home one night from something, to find the computer an uttermess, no one saying anything ( by this time everyone in the house knew ) and I walked into my bedroom, I could tell it had been searched through, and I had a very nice hiding spot, so she had to really go through a lot of stuff, and had to have been at it.. for at least a hour.. probably had my sisters help her, and they really didn't do to hot of a job replacing things where the found them.

    I stood there, I was pretty scared to say the least, I had no earthly idea what was about to happen, but what did happen, was the last thing that should of happened, my brain was stimulated from the extreme amount of chemicals running though my body (this is why most adhd people love sports) I call this normal, this is when I can control everything, however, everything that happens during this "high" w/e may cause it... I don't forget.

    And this was no normal High, this was brought on from anxiety, fear, guilt, everything you would normally get you low, just rushing at me, then my Mom, and my step-dad step into my doorway, and a conversation happens that I will never forget.

    In her hands, a bag of half empty dollar-store depends.

    -Where did you get these! ?
    = The dollar store
    - How did you get there! ?
    = a friend from school (I had no car)
    -Why would you wear these! ?
    = I don't know...
    - What is wrong with you! ?
    = I don't know..
    - Do we need to get you help, see som-
    -well obviously if your wearing these something is wrong with you
    - your going to become rapist, a murder, a pedophile, you obviously need help.
    = What do you mean I will become a murder, a pedophile (This word hurts most abdl people... and right then.. it stung deeply)
    - I got on your computer, I know the websites you've been to, first you like diapers, little kids where diapers, what are you goind to do to little kids, Step-sister's name, has a chicld, Pastour's name, has a child do they know, should we let them know, at this rate someday you will..
    *Somewhere in the mist of this rampage I cut her off, I couldnt take it anymore, I was crying, I was ashamed, I didnt want to hear her voive ever again*
    =I will not become a rapist, I don't even know how you can say that.
    - Obviously you will, "Somehow she connects wearing diapers to rapist, then that to murder, its a woman thing that I really can't comprehend*
    *My step-dad finally speaks after her long winded rampage, as if I already didnt feel like the dirt below the septic tank, he made sure I did.*
    %You didn't wear these to a football game did you??
    -No ...
    %Why not they are so cool???
    - I was silent, and I cant remember how this conversation ended, but it was very intense, and all sorts of topics got brought up, including Cami, who I would call late at night, so she wanted to know about the number who it was, I made up some lie about how I met her, I was single, my parents hated the idea of diapers, and the only person I had to talk to was her, and I wasn't about to lose her.

    So I did like everyone in that position, I promised to stop, little did they know, I made that promise to my self 1000s times before, they had no idea how much help I needed, but it first had to start with them.

    I get into college

    To start, I wanted to go to a christian college, but I didn't and I hated the cheap school I went to, I wished nothing more then for it to not even exist, this attitude reflected in my attendance, and to top it off I chose to take science classes, just because I will admit it, I can not fathom why people go to college for anything else, besides maybe teaching, as interning straight out of high-school at a high-school, may not be the brightest idea.

    It didn't take long before I lost my scholarship, no big deal I missed 40 days of class, in 3-4 different classes, but I got a Job at PineCove(look it up), which I chose over taking summer classes to get my grades back up, where all this self hatred for diapers prevented me from being able to interact with kids anymore, cause every time I saw one.. i cringe just thinking about that conversation which at that time was only a year ago.

    Upon telling a staff about my issue and asking for prayer, I was sent home, because I guess having someone with a diaper fetish wasn't safe for the camp, so here I was no money, no job, no treatment for adhd, about to turn 20, and the place I thought was the safest.. had just ceased to exist.

    I started seeing a older man , a Christian counselor, I was scared at first, I didn't want to go to some counselor that would tell me it was okay to do what I was doing, I wanted one that would have similar spiritual values.. and well I guess tell me it was wrong, and brainwash me to stop or something.

    This old, monotone man.. He may not have been the brightest, but one thing is sure, he was gifted. He could understand things very well, but he never gave me a solution, but instead each time I would visit him, he would help me address the next problem, and leave it to me to address it.

    If he wasn't working for a church, you may not even know he has christian values, because he didn't express his values in such a way it came across as "christian" so to say, but instead was patient, kind, loving, informative, and had studied the scripture far more then I ever have.

    His answer was simple "As weird as it sounds, you was a baby, you pooped your pants, you found comfort when your parrents changed you"
    "you where a teenage, you masturbated, you found releif"
    "and all the things where associated around the diaper, you don't have a fetish, you simply have placed your comfort in something a bit different at birth, and this is where you ended up"

    It all made sense, Suddenly diapers where no longer, this item that I hated cause I loved, but instead just an item, now there was more to it then those 3 lines, we really dug deep into the matter, and till this day I never got the apology i wanted to hear from my mom, instead when I got back from camp and told her, she just went crazy again, and then to top it off said i just came home because I was addicted to playing some computer game, and that was my excuse home, only later did she give a semi-sorta-apology, but still I think there is a hole somewhere inside of me, waiting for the real thing.

    Age 20 I finally am capable of life, I can or cannot wear diapers, and it wouldn't bother me, they can or cannot be sexual its all how I determine it, I am finally content with this barrier I made that spirituality conflicted my weird fetish (it does not.. but after you read this far, I am sure you can understand why I would feel that way)

    So I decide.. time to get my scholarship back!

    Organic chemistry... destroyed me.. made a D missed about 20 days of class, scored I think #5 or #6 in the class in the final, that isn't a big deal cause everyone failed the test, but maybe 2-3 people above me.

    My theoripist, Mike ( that old man) had suggested I go talk to my doctor about adhd, my doctor gave me concerta.. unwilling to precribe addaral.
    This did not help me, at the end of trying 2 differnt doses, he suggested i find a clinic that specializes in it.

    And.. 2 months later, I found one. 3 months later I got to see the doctor, I was 21 by this point, and they dont just give out addarl to 21 year olds male proclaiming to have adhd.

    This clinic then, after 3 more months, got me hooked up with a plan, however because I only took 9 hours one semester my insurance dropped and I had to reapply, this combined with adhd.. and not really feeling it was necessary.. ended up hurting me.. the clinic closed my account, ( I hadn't reached a dose of the drug that helped me yet.. due to my strong resistance to most drugs.. got it from my father.. who was born with an incomplete immune system.. and was drugged up like crazy at birth.. this apparently is hereditary and whereas I have a nice immune system.. drugs don't really help me to much at normal dosage levels... so yeah.. drug doesn't work.. I could care less about rushing to get my insurance fixed)

    In the end.. at age 21, and 7 moths, almost failing out of college ( I've never failed a class, but did drop cal 2 last semster ) for the first time in my life I sat though a 90 min lecture without drawing a picture, in my scrap paper, it did take a lot of effort, but I did something I never thought I could ever do.

    And it hit me today, looking back, how much trouble would I have been spared if I just had 1 teacher stop my mother and say "mam WE believe your son has ADHD"

    Maybe I would of never went looking for comfort in diapers had I not been a insane 6 year old frustrated because of my inability to listen.. at the time I probably could careless, but looking back, now its as obvious as snow is white, what if I liked to wear diapers back then, but had enough focus to understand it all, instead of hating myself for it 12-13 years of my life.

    So to everyone struggling who wrote "yes" up their on that first question, I want to let you guys know, your not some weird freak that you may think you are.
    And, I am not some weird freak telling you that.

    You alone may not be able to see the name on the tag of your T-shirt while your wearing it, but you will always have the itch.

    Maybe you know the brand of T-shirt, maybe itll come in a dream, and maybe it will take someone else looking into your shirt (life) and reading the tag for you, to really understand it all.

    But I want to reassure you, your not crazy, if you like to wear/use diapers, remember it is just an item, you control how you feel about it, and its that special attribute, that really makes wearing diapers an amazing experience.

    I don't know why I felt like posting this, but I just wanted to, I was reading the forums and saw so many younger posters, and thought back on my own history with this, and couldn't let anyone hate-themselves for something that when you really think about, you already control (indirectly)


    Anyone Else have similar experience in their life? ( please go into detail )

    How do you feel wearing diapers have effected your life as to the present?
    --And do you plan on keeping them in the future, if so will it be the same, or better, or worst then the past?
    -- your favorite diaper, and why
    -- personal (you can opp out of this one) what age did you know, and a brief history on your parents , or lack of parents status during that time, and prior.
    -- was you introduced at a late age, if so, how, and how do you feel about diapers, and this subject in general, and if you wear them a lot, any particular reason why?

    Finally , if anyone , read my post or not, is struggling with this topic, please do not be afraid to ask for help, we as a community are here to boost each other up, whether it is in this forum, or in private.

    Thank you for reading, I eagerly wait for the responses..

  2. #2


    I cannot give this topic the full attention that it deserves after reading that. Wow. Fantastically written. Great story. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Congratulations on getting your life together.

  3. #3


    Hi John. Very thorough story and introduction. It did take quite some time to get thru it, as I also know it took some time to write, but it was worth it. Thanks for telling us about yourself and I also would like to welcome you to the community.

    As for your questions at the end of the post, I will just say that I do enjoy the wearing of diapers, but they are just another item in my collection of AB related stuff. I am, mainly an AB and DL to a lesser extent. Diapers are not my main focus, they are just used to help me in my regression to a younger age. A regression that lets me keep the resulting conditions caused by my stress in adult life under control. My other items like plushies, pacifiers, bottles play an equal part along with diapers and I enjoy them too.

    Again, welcome and look forward to your posts here on adisc.

  4. #4


    Thank you guys

    So I never really got involved in ABDL .. but now that I think about it.
    Probably never will, unless I find some lady who fantsy such things, then well can't say no :P

    Question to you (above post) or any ABDL , how did you get into ABDL , versus just wearing them casually, what made the defining moment , that made you want ABDL?

    Maybe It's my ADHD but I feel like being a ABDL would be born.. but, yes I admit I am not informed to well when it comes to that side of our spectrum.

  5. #5


    Quote Originally Posted by JoNathan3 View Post
    Thank you guys

    So I never really got involved in ABDL .. but now that I think about it.
    Probably never will, unless I find some lady who fantsy such things, then well can't say no :P

    Question to you (above post) or any ABDL , how did you get into ABDL , versus just wearing them casually, what made the defining moment , that made you want ABDL?

    Maybe It's my ADHD but I feel like being a ABDL would be born.. but, yes I admit I am not informed to well when it comes to that side of our spectrum.
    I have suffered from depression all my life. It's ups and downs cycles. I could write a book on what my school years were like, It's affect on my mental state, and some of the entries in the book wouldn't be too kind. I've wrote about a few of those in past posts, if you are interested in digging further.

    I use regression as a means of stress reductions and escape from the real life. I remember my first time regressing. I was around 12-14 years. I would come home after school and watch Mr Rogers Neighborhood. Not sure John, if you know what that show is. It was a popular PBS preschool show that was on TV. My parents knew I watched it but never said anything. They probably just thought of it as a phase I was going thru.

    Afterward, after several months, I forced my self to stop watching. I knew down in my gut that watching it would open me to ridicule from other kids in the neighborhood if they were to find out.

    I've repressed my urges since. Kept away from all things ABDL. Yes, about 40 years of repression. It hasn't been a very healthy thing to do. It lead me to several instances of deep depression, with one of those several years ago, being an attempt at suicide (fortunately, unsuccessful).

    Last year around this time, after being off of depression meds for a while, I had started to relapse into depression. Being an expert in recognizing when I am heading towards the bottom, I started what was necessary to get help. I went to the doctor. I restarted my meds, which I am now convinced that I will need to be on them the rest of my life.

    That leads me to my next revelation about myself. I needed to stop repressing my ABDL tendencies. Just be true to myself about the whole thing. At the time, I really didn't know how to change my behavior. At that time, 53, I'm pretty much set in my ways.

    One day, about a year ago, I poked around the internet, and started searching on words like pacifiers, diapers. One thing led to another and I ended up seeing posts here on adisc. I started reading posts, yes I became one of those lurkers hiding in the shadows, reading posts. The more I read, the more I discovered that the feelings I had been repressing had also been common to others here on the site.

    I was then eventually officially labeled a lurker by the site. Oh no, now what do I do. I was hooked. I wanted to read more about others that are in the same boat as me. I was also scared. I had never joined a message board site before, I didn't want my personal information and my life opened up so others could see and use that information against me. I could have been fired or at least forced out of employment if found out.

    I took a chance. I created an online persona specifically for adisc. Yes, the information I provided was true and correct, but I also watched to make sure it couldn't be directly linked to other information about me on the internet. It was the best decision I made. I've met a lot of good people on here and have found so much good information.

    In summary, I am an ABDL with more tendencies towards the AB part. That is, I love pacifiers, bottles, plushies, footy pajamas, and yes, diapers. For the stimulus behind it, it is to provide a safe, secure place that my mind can go to when the real world gets too tough for me to deal with. For me, it's a protection mechanism. And as you have probably realized by now, ABDL is really non sexual for me.

  6. #6


    Thank you for sharing your story with us. There's quite a few things you mentioned which I experienced too at that age, which made it very enjoyable to read.

  7. #7


    at one yes i did feel guilt towards to wearing them and even using them. i would constantly friek out about people finding them or seeing my AB stuff around my flat, i would also the purge binge thing. but ovver time it got easier for to accept it and not feel bad about it. the way i see it is im not hurting anyone by doing it im not forceing anyone into it.

    yes i know its weird but people like all differat sorts of thigs and my fetish is just one more of those non mainstream ones that not many people know about it.

    but another thing that was importent for me. is the fact that i had good friends around me who accepted me for me and were there for me when i needed them.

    these are the things that helped to get to where i am now in my self acceptance of who i amm. this kinda thing i have found is 80% or more in your head. its what you thin other people thin abut you.

    iff you dont care what other peopl think about you. then it cant hurt you. ythe only person who you should ccare to get acceptance from is youself. if you dont pay attentin to other people and only do what you want then it dosnt matter wwhat everyone else matters as long as you happy in yourself.

    thats what i think anyways.


Similar Threads

  1. Ask A Caretaker Anything. (Warning: Awesomeness ahead.)
    By Shukkume in forum Adult Babies & Littles
    Replies: 30
    Last Post: 08-Jan-2010, 10:36
  2. Drawing On Diapers (Warning: WTFness ahead)
    By Shukkume in forum Diaper Talk
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 24-Oct-2009, 05:17
  3. Sometimes I hate my life
    By scarolina21 in forum Off-topic
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 17-Feb-2009, 22:08

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  • - the Adult Baby / Diaper Lover / Incontinence Support Community. is designed to be viewed in Firefox, with a resolution of at least 1280 x 1024.