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Thread: My story + advices needed

  1. #1

    Default My story + advices needed

    Dear All!
    I kind of need some help / information, I'm going through a very difficult state in my life: coming to terms with some of my deepest emotions. I'm a 27 year old person, identified by others as a man, but mostly I don't think about myself as a man, because it has all kind of negative aspects for me by experience. When I was a child, my mother died and since she was an alcoholic and I felt helpless in helping her, I blamed myself for many many years for her death. I was 9 years old back then. I started to get interested in girls and kissing but primarily I needed to fill in the void inside me, I needed someone to care and understand and "replace her love" in my life. The exact opposite happened: girls saw I have emotional problems and they avoided me or humiliated me instead of showing interest in going out with me or any such thing. I was not considered an alpha and I learnt to accept that in a way. I had no one to talk to about my guilt and shame and anger and grief so I reached out to the ideal partner in my afternoon fantasies behind the doors of my room, someone, who I mostly referred to since as "my little sister". At first, we played the same game with this "imaginary friend": she was standing out in the rain, being an orphan and lonely and I letted her in, and we slept next to each other in hug. She sometimes wetted the bed as I imagined, just so I can comfort her even more that there's nothing to be ashamed about and my love for her will never change. As I got into puberty, I myself got interested in diaper play for a short period but it wasn't anything like the desire to give / receive an enema or a spank, since these activities always included some sort of humiliation and helplessness, and the only time I felt strong is when the girl or woman of my dreams and fantasies needed help that did not get from others. Needless to say: I was a very sensitive boy without an actual, serious relationship (or having sex) until the very end of puberty.

    Around 24 I realized that I'm so depressed that I would actually be okay with dying, so that terrified me and I started to look for my answers. Through the years I found many, but depression did not go away. Now I'm confused about my latest discovery. In order for you to understand that: my adult years spent in great loneliness, because I always felt like a child inside. Not a toddler or anything like that, but I referred to myself as the brother and equal to my ~8 year old little sister and amongst adults it always felt very stressful and problematic that I could not be "myself" without getting rejected. I really did find some comfort in the role of the victim. But recently I gave it some more thought and I realized that whenever I had sexual fantasies (and masturbation) I almost never imagined myself as a boy or as an adult male in the picture, I always pictured the girl / woman and identified myself with her, I wanted to be her. When I read about transgender people, some similarity is what I find. I decided to shave my body and wear very girly clothes for the night and allow myself to feel pleasure as a young woman or a teenage girl, and I suddenly felt free. During my real-life sexperiences, I was never really there (except from the 69 positure) because I was always trying to deal with the overwhelming responsibility to satisfy the partner as a male and to not fail in that area, so chemically I enjoyed it, but my soul and mind was somewhere else. When I adapted the role of the girl into my fantasies and allowed myself not to imagine a girl but to imagine me as a girl... it was like being made love to for the first time in my life. I felt, that I have gained access to all the love inside me, that I was expecting from others and I cried, because the stone of depression and hopelessness just seemed to roll away from my heart. As others wrote here: as a girl I felt no shame in "things being done to me" while as a boy and a man I always did. Normally someone in this position would consider being a transsexual and do necessary steps, but 1. this is very new to me, 2. most adult transsexuals feel themselves about their biological age not a little child of the opposite gender (so there is something else in the picture as well). and 3. Seeing women on the street does not affect me, seeing men on the street does not effect me. Seeing child girls on the street makes me feel like they truly see the real me, and I get overexcited by the pure chance of contacting someone, who have the same needs as me and would not judge me for them, looking in their eyes makes me feel I'm finally home. (unfortunately giving a green light to this contact could be and would be a disaster, since usually sexual predators tend to get a high amount of joy from talking to children and no sane person would consider themselves equal with children, at least according to parents, so having my life destroyed by accusations is not something I wish for. Being a little girl is not really sexual to me. I feel like a teenager while having fantasies, while in the role of the female in these fantasies, but a little girl is who I feel normally. I love those colorful clothes, the panties, the pejamas, the skirts, etc... would wear them almost all the time, and I'm really not interested in wearing high heels or makeup or dressing by the fashion, these aren't matching my interests. When I'm not tired or not seen and talked to as a male by others I mostly feel acting like an 8-9 year old girl. I need hugs from others, value friendships and make friendship bracelets, I want to sing and dance or make stupid videos with them laughing all day long, I want to be in a food fight, to be looked upon and seen as a girl and I want a family, that I could safely belong to, without the fear of losing them. I have very feminine childish expressions when I choose not to repress them and others seem to like the energetic and happy me better than the self-sorry waste of a male with thoughts of dying, they just can't seem to be able to fully understand and accept the fact, that I'm not a woman, but a little girl. Being happy as a girl sometimes makes my man self better accepted when I look in the mirror, but that does not mean I adapted into the grown-up male life or that I feel any less like a childgirl. I only have the questions remained:

    - What psychological terms do you think this state or identifying can fall under? I'd like to narrow my researches.
    - What other (not psychological) terms may I find information about people who feel like a child from the opposite gender but not at all or not exclusively in sexual ways.
    - How to proceed, to express these feelings and still not do any harm in my self-confident and still do the least harm in my social relationships?
    - Where could I find people and make friends, who feel kind of the same way, and would love to allow themselves to be "them" in the company of someone / others?

    Thank you for reading this horrifyingly long post.

  2. #2

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    Oh oh oh oh.

    The first thing I want to do is give you a big hug. I know that might be a odd thing. Sweet sweet szofi. You have been going through a whole lot, I wish I could be more helpful. Now I'm super excited and willing to do whatever I can to help you out with your questions, but I'm just so excited so I have to answer your fourth question first.

    A. Here is a good place! I'm a transsexual who identifies herself as a little girl and can very much understand that feeling. I've had that same feeling of being lost among other transsexuals because they all want to be grown-ups while I feel like this sort of lost thing where I never grew up. I'm an asexual myself, so it's most certainly not sexual for me.. and I'm most certainly not alone. ADISC is the site that taught me that. Our circumstances for finding this out and a bunch of other stuff are probably different though but that's part of the fun. We're all still different you know? That's okay though!

    Basically, There are BUNCHES of other girls like that though, girls who were born without the wrong body but who the term woman doesn't really describe them. You most certainly are not alone. This is the site I personally go to to reach out to them myself.

    I don't think there is a site out there or a term specifically for us though, I would figure most researchers would consider them two seperate things that we both have. Gender dysphoria and whatever you would call the age one. I've only really heard it described as a Peter-pan Complex. I mean technically it is kind of two separate things.



    - How to proceed, to express these feelings and still not do any harm in my self-confident and still do the least harm in my social relationships?
    The problem with me answering this one is I don't really know your social relationships. With me, I find other little girl friends (the people who feel the same way of course!) and some other older friends who are understanding and I just let myself be me. I have a very big doll collection and I just be around people I can feel free to express those feelings, and I just am learning each day it's okay to just be me. Sometimes it's close family who will be there for you when you need them, and sometimes it's a partner in your life. If you went in my house you wouldn't know there wasn't ultra-feminine 6 year old living here. I really like that, and technically in some way there is you know?

    Also your post wasn't too long silly head, don't worry!

  3. #3

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    hello, zsofi....
    and welcome to ADISC.

    i must admit that your story is a bit long and convoluted. and that i am having a hard time putting it all into perspective.
    it's very late at night/early in the morning for me, so i haven't had much sleep. and because of that, i will reread your post a few more times tomorrow to see if i can get a better grasp of your situation. but i do have one question that comes to me right off the bat, even though it may seem like a strange thing to ask....

    but do you ever get the feeling that you are sharing your thoughts with more than one person; more than just yourself in effect.... maybe several other folks (some of them children)?

    again, welcome to ADISC... and i hope that you find everything that you are looking for here....
    lodge wrecker....

  4. #4

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    gigglemuffinz, thank yo for your warm welcome, I'll do my best to fit in the community.
    littlelodgewrecker, thank you too, I don't really understand your question... is it that I'm too open about some things or are you asking if I ever thought, that I could have split/multiple personalities? I know, that I'm very open about things but I mean no harm and since I have no blackouts or memory losses, I don't really think about the second option for real. Have a nice rest!

  5. #5

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    Welcome, zsofi! It's nice to have you with us.

    There are some parts of your story I do relate to actually. Like you, I know what it's like to want to be a little girl. I love the mindset, the things you can do, the way you're viewed, and of course the clothes! I don't only want to be a little girl - I 'bounce' between having an adult's and a child's mindset - but I know the desire. I also experience some gender dysphoria, and realized I'm most likely bigender. So I know a bit of what you're feeling, and hopefully I can answer your questions.

    For Questions #1 and #2, you may want to look into what being an LG means. LG stands for "little girl", but it refers to people who feel like they are young girls, not biological children. (Sometimes on other sites, they're called ALGs, for adult little girls). An LG is largely what you describe: someone who wants to identify themselves as a young girl. It's very often for emotional reasons or expressing one's identity. I wrote an article about LGs based on talking to people in this community. It's here if you'd like to take a look. From what you've told us, though, I think being an LG sounds like something that may fit for you. Outside research on this topic is scarce, especially for people who identify as children of the opposite sex, but this is probably a good place to start. I recall a few other LG sites, but I'm not sure if they're still active or running.

    For Question 3, I spent most of my life expressing my LG feelings on my own. It's quite freeing to be able to dress up when the house is empty and watch children's shows, colour, or just twirl around in your dress. Sometimes, a little time to be my girly self is all I need. That said, I don't think I'm 100% LG, so to speak. I'm usually content to be an adult male, but sometimes I like to take on the LG identity. If you feel that this is your true identity, you'll want to find accepting friends to talk to. This forum is a good place to start. Even expressing yourself through story writing, online roleplaying, or talking it out with people who feel the same way (and there are quite a few on here!) will help. You're among friends here

    For Question 4, this is a safe website to make friends who are LGs, or who are accepting of LGs. You've met a couple of wonderful people already, and there are many more on here! Now, if you're talking real life, that's a bit less certain. I'm not sure where'd be a good place to meet a real life friend who's also an LG. If you're meeting with anyone online, obviously be really careful and make sure you really know the other person first and have clear expectations. For the moment, though, this is a good place to meet people and find out how accepted you really are.

    Thanks for posting here, and welcome! It's always wonderful to have another little friend in the fold! Hope you'll stick around!

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by zsofi View Post
    gigglemuffinz, thank yo for your warm welcome, I'll do my best to fit in the community.
    littlelodgewrecker, thank you too, I don't really understand your question... is it that I'm too open about some things or are you asking if I ever thought, that I could have split/multiple personalities? I know, that I'm very open about things but I mean no harm and since I have no blackouts or memory losses, I don't really think about the second option for real. Have a nice rest!
    hello again....
    having been around here for a while now, and having some small amount of personal experience within, and around, both the gay and transexual communities in the Country where i live. i knew all the standard sort of answers that you were going to get when people started talking to you here on ADISC.... and i knew from experience that you certainly didn't need any duplication of those answers from me.

    my odd question was simply my way of fishing for a different sort of information, and possible answer, that i and some of my friends have knowledge of in and around the community....

    feel free to contact me privily should you wish any more information or help.
    lodge wrecker....

  7. #7

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    Very very good advices, I looked up Peter Pan syndrome, and I read your article Adventurer, I think it's somewhat the case in my situation too (though it's hard to tell the differences between being bigender or genderfluid, since they don't really have strict boundaries) sometimes a change in identity gives me great energy bursts in place of tiredness and boredom, and mostly I feel mixed, not 100% one or another but I'm usually communicating it, expressing it as separately as I can. I wore a skirt for the first time yesterday, (LOVE IT) I got it as a costume for an upcoming costume party, which seems like a great opportunity to experiment how weird would it feel to actually present myself in sort of the Click image for larger version. 

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ID:	19998 identity. I wear a colorful hair-slide in a friendship bracelet anyway, so most of my friends either think I'm gay or trans or mentally ill already but they are very careful not to bring it up in front of me, however I have to find a better job so I could actually afford a private space (like renting a room or something, nowadays I just sleep at friends or whatever I can afford) and I really don't want my next job to be emotionally overwhelming but I would also like it to be a bit tolerant to the phases I'm going through, until I have my private space and life it's hard to separate my appearances in a more convenient way for others. And you know... pleasing others should not really be the priority anymore, but until I can't put a finger on it and show some sort of stability I can't really expect everyone else to relate.

  8. #8

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    You're okay, there a number of us who are transsexual and (A)LG and often otherwise good trans forums have few members who are into this as their bigger focus on on being a Big Girl, passing as a woman. It's as if you're in the same category as a girl who was born and assigned as a female who also is LG which kinda makes sense as for those of us who are M2F transsexual, our inner kid is a...Little Girl and at least in my experience they will accept you as so in meets and camps, which gives ya a warm fuzzy feeling inside.
    Hugs.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by zsofi View Post
    "..."..."(though it's hard to tell the differences between being bigender or genderfluid, since they don't really have strict boundaries) "..."..."

    mostly I feel mixed, not 100% one or another but I'm usually communicating it, expressing it as separately as I can. I wore a skirt for the first time yesterday, (LOVE IT)"..."..."

    pleasing others should not really be the priority anymore, but until I can't put a finger on it and show some sort of stability I can't really expect everyone else to relate.
    zsofi,

    Welcome aboard!!

    If I were to have someone speak on my behalf about me...I would say that Adventurer's own description, and accounting is very similar to me...

    And zsofi, in a fair bit similar to your own experience, that I am...

    Labels are a necessary 'evil' it would seem, but they tend to do more harm than good when we try to make them inflexible-concrete containers that do more to isolate... instead, use them as general guidelines to narrow or filter down the larger groups...but know that there likely cannot be exacting criteria because there are so many variables for each individual.

    The temptation to lose your own individual details and variations is great; as we wish to 'belong' somewhere, and with others... but, I would suggest trying to avoid that...be who you are!

    And as it has been suggested by others here...I myself have not really been tempted to seek other websites, as ADISC as a whole, and in it's many parts has covered a plethora of my emotional, and intellectual considerations quite nicely...

    Also, though I have a few years on you...I really only fairly recently came to conscious terms with my own LG aspects... and, as in some of the feelings you have described...it has been a wonderous liberation, and awakening!

    Oh, I had dabbled with breaking binary gender norms all along, including cross-dressing, to contemplating SRS...I also vary in my inner-persona being various ages, and earlier on, trying out LB... The LB, as I see it...became the stepping-stone, to go from adult to 'little', then from 'boy' to 'girl'...and the 'little', was my adjustment from not quite fitting the AB side...though still getting something I needed from that area too... (and as a 'little', diapers and IC are still fairly common, but I haven't surrendered to utter helplessness...)

    You see...I'm just rather 'fluid' all the way around...even my asexuality is as variable


    In my opinion, there is no 'right' or 'wrong'...you'll find some in our general sub-group; who will try to impose exacting standards for you to be accepted for any particular label...I'm no longer disparaging them though because they are also the ones who seem to get the movements for acceptance on the 'streets'... This 'militant' hard-line crew don't tend to be all warm and fuzzy about allowing us individually greater variations...there is much irony and conflict in this life...learn from those who have lead the movements, and please do respect them! Then, take it another step further...be who you are!

    ...make your own way!

    Warmest regards,
    -Marka
    *Your post would be easier to read with more paragraph spacing...otherwise no worries!*
    Last edited by Marka; 07-Feb-2014 at 04:37.

  10. #10

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    Thanks JoanneChan and Marka those are very wise words. I usually find similar depths in some taoist books, but sometimes emotions mix me up a little. I will pay attention to the paragraph spacing, you're not the first one to point that out.

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