I kind of need some help / information, I'm going through a very difficult state in my life: coming to terms with some of my deepest emotions. I'm a 27 year old person, identified by others as a man, but mostly I don't think about myself as a man, because it has all kind of negative aspects for me by experience. When I was a child, my mother died and since she was an alcoholic and I felt helpless in helping her, I blamed myself for many many years for her death. I was 9 years old back then. I started to get interested in girls and kissing but primarily I needed to fill in the void inside me, I needed someone to care and understand and "replace her love" in my life. The exact opposite happened: girls saw I have emotional problems and they avoided me or humiliated me instead of showing interest in going out with me or any such thing. I was not considered an alpha and I learnt to accept that in a way. I had no one to talk to about my guilt and shame and anger and grief so I reached out to the ideal partner in my afternoon fantasies behind the doors of my room, someone, who I mostly referred to since as "my little sister". At first, we played the same game with this "imaginary friend": she was standing out in the rain, being an orphan and lonely and I letted her in, and we slept next to each other in hug. She sometimes wetted the bed as I imagined, just so I can comfort her even more that there's nothing to be ashamed about and my love for her will never change. As I got into puberty, I myself got interested in diaper play for a short period but it wasn't anything like the desire to give / receive an enema or a spank, since these activities always included some sort of humiliation and helplessness, and the only time I felt strong is when the girl or woman of my dreams and fantasies needed help that did not get from others. Needless to say: I was a very sensitive boy without an actual, serious relationship (or having sex) until the very end of puberty.
Around 24 I realized that I'm so depressed that I would actually be okay with dying, so that terrified me and I started to look for my answers. Through the years I found many, but depression did not go away. Now I'm confused about my latest discovery. In order for you to understand that: my adult years spent in great loneliness, because I always felt like a child inside. Not a toddler or anything like that, but I referred to myself as the brother and equal to my ~8 year old little sister and amongst adults it always felt very stressful and problematic that I could not be "myself" without getting rejected. I really did find some comfort in the role of the victim. But recently I gave it some more thought and I realized that whenever I had sexual fantasies (and masturbation) I almost never imagined myself as a boy or as an adult male in the picture, I always pictured the girl / woman and identified myself with her, I wanted to be her. When I read about transgender people, some similarity is what I find. I decided to shave my body and wear very girly clothes for the night and allow myself to feel pleasure as a young woman or a teenage girl, and I suddenly felt free. During my real-life sexperiences, I was never really there (except from the 69 positure) because I was always trying to deal with the overwhelming responsibility to satisfy the partner as a male and to not fail in that area, so chemically I enjoyed it, but my soul and mind was somewhere else. When I adapted the role of the girl into my fantasies and allowed myself not to imagine a girl but to imagine me as a girl... it was like being made love to for the first time in my life. I felt, that I have gained access to all the love inside me, that I was expecting from others and I cried, because the stone of depression and hopelessness just seemed to roll away from my heart. As others wrote here: as a girl I felt no shame in "things being done to me" while as a boy and a man I always did. Normally someone in this position would consider being a transsexual and do necessary steps, but 1. this is very new to me, 2. most adult transsexuals feel themselves about their biological age not a little child of the opposite gender (so there is something else in the picture as well). and 3. Seeing women on the street does not affect me, seeing men on the street does not effect me. Seeing child girls on the street makes me feel like they truly see the real me, and I get overexcited by the pure chance of contacting someone, who have the same needs as me and would not judge me for them, looking in their eyes makes me feel I'm finally home. (unfortunately giving a green light to this contact could be and would be a disaster, since usually sexual predators tend to get a high amount of joy from talking to children and no sane person would consider themselves equal with children, at least according to parents, so having my life destroyed by accusations is not something I wish for. Being a little girl is not really sexual to me. I feel like a teenager while having fantasies, while in the role of the female in these fantasies, but a little girl is who I feel normally. I love those colorful clothes, the panties, the pejamas, the skirts, etc... would wear them almost all the time, and I'm really not interested in wearing high heels or makeup or dressing by the fashion, these aren't matching my interests. When I'm not tired or not seen and talked to as a male by others I mostly feel acting like an 8-9 year old girl. I need hugs from others, value friendships and make friendship bracelets, I want to sing and dance or make stupid videos with them laughing all day long, I want to be in a food fight, to be looked upon and seen as a girl and I want a family, that I could safely belong to, without the fear of losing them. I have very feminine childish expressions when I choose not to repress them and others seem to like the energetic and happy me better than the self-sorry waste of a male with thoughts of dying, they just can't seem to be able to fully understand and accept the fact, that I'm not a woman, but a little girl. Being happy as a girl sometimes makes my man self better accepted when I look in the mirror, but that does not mean I adapted into the grown-up male life or that I feel any less like a childgirl. I only have the questions remained:
- What psychological terms do you think this state or identifying can fall under? I'd like to narrow my researches.
- What other (not psychological) terms may I find information about people who feel like a child from the opposite gender but not at all or not exclusively in sexual ways.
- How to proceed, to express these feelings and still not do any harm in my self-confident and still do the least harm in my social relationships?
- Where could I find people and make friends, who feel kind of the same way, and would love to allow themselves to be "them" in the company of someone / others?
Thank you for reading this horrifyingly long post.