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Thread: To anyone I have offended or frustrated here... let's be cool.

  1. #1

    Default To anyone I have offended or frustrated here... let's be cool.

    Hello all.

    I realize I can be very polarizing. It seems like people on this forum either love me or are extremely frustrated by me.

    Believe it or not, I hate being the center of attention. Thus the reason for my frustration in my previous thread about politeness and internet culture where somehow, for reasons I honestly don't know, the conversation stopped being about that and became about me. I felt personally attacked when another poster accused me of "bashing everyone who tried to help me" and "wallowing in self pity."

    I invite anyone who feels I have bashed or jumped on them when they tried to help to work these things out with me individually. I would be happy to correct any misunderstandings and hopefully make new friends.

    Regarding self pity, I get where this perception comes from. I am depressed. I'm very open about that. But I came to this forum thinking that I could help myself by talking with people who had similar interests and experiences.

    I just want to say, this year has been very difficult for me. I have struggled with mental illness all my life. 8 months ago I had a job, a place of my own, benefits... I was independent. I lost the job because I went overboard trying to protect two kids I was very close to from severe emotional abuse at home. I was fired the day after my birthday, and then when it came to UC benefits, my company really screwed me. Then Congress cut the Unemployment Extension, and I was forced to move in with my parents. I lost my pride. I lost my self esteem. I lost my sense of self worth. I am really hurting, and that's why I'm here, to find ways of dealing with it. By no definition is that "wallowing in self pity."

    I felt I needed to stand up for myself make these statements (and the above invitation) because I feel at times (like today) that I've been personally attacked here.

    Now take this with a grain of salt: I'm a very sensitive person. I don't want to say "oversensitive" because that makes it sound like sensitivity is a bad thing. But how a person speaks to me matters, sometimes more than what they say. If I feel I have a person's respect, then the disagreement isn't personal. And that's the best way to approach me, frankly. If I feel like you're attacking me or being condescending, I might respond in kind, and then the unhealthiness of that communication spreads and a really well-intentioned thread (like the one I mentioned before) becomes... something it's not at all supposed to be.

    I really would like to get to know the community and the people who are part of it better but at the same time I don't want to be misrepresented. Seeking help is not "wallowing" and disagreement isn't "bashing."

    All that being said, as I stated before, I don't like to be the center of attention, so if you feel like responding to this post of mine, please contact me via private message. I feel like making this post is a necessary evil, and yeah, it feels a bit hypocritical doing it, but I feel there is damage that needs to be repaired.

    I plan on trying to take a break from the forum for a while (or at least take a break from the heavy topics) and come back with a clearer head.

    I just want you all to know that I'm not the wallowing attacker some people have made me out to be. I don't know what else to say. I came here looking for help and acceptance. I feel like some people have responded well to that, and others have misinterpreted a lot of things I've said or focused on things that I clearly said when I was angry and didn't mean. I just want to clear all of it up so that I personally feel safer on this forum and so that there will be less conflict in the future. I very much dislike conflict. I'm a collaborator. I prefer to be the one linking people to each other and greasing the engines of progress. I don't want to be made to feel like the black sheep here.

    I think one perception of me is that I can't take criticism. This isn't true. I've taken criticism well when it's presented respectfully. Many have done that here, but I've had more than my share of being misrepresented and cast in a bad light by other posters. I understand this comes from frustration and that I can be a very frustrating person to be around but I am working, extremely hard, to make positive changes to my outlook. Unfortunately, that doesn't work overnight.

    And this perception that I "jump on" or "bash"... I honestly would like you to PM me if you feel I've done this to you. Maybe it was a misunderstanding, maybe I owe you an apology, maybe we were both in the wrong. Whatever it is, I just want to work it out non-confrontationally.

    Give me a chance. I'm more than my illness.

  2. #2

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    May I offer a suggestion? And I implore you to try it....

    Perhaps take a step back from the computer for a bit (not just a couple hours). Push the discussions out of your mind for a while. Realize that many members here don't hate you. In fact, the majority of responses seem to be quite understanding. Ya know for someone to take 15 minutes out of their day to write you a response signals to me that someone cares.

    Look, this post reminds me when I get very frustrated and very anxious. My brother when he gets in a similar mood talks himself in circles and ends up continually explaining himself and his actions even though my family has acknowledged them and discussed it at length. It's only when he calms down a bit and steps away for a bit of time, does the conversation finally sink in. But that doesn't happen until he lets go a bit about what people think and whatever else. I realize that can be challenging, but you can do it.

    I completely understand were you are coming from. I do. You are heard. But take my advice and maybe reflect on some of the advice you found useful in your threads, and take a break for a while. I don't think this thread is going to help fix matters for what you are feeling until you let go a bit, nor is any subsequent thread trying to clarify this one and so forth.

  3. #3

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    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by Geno View Post
    May I offer a suggestion? And I implore you to try it....

    Perhaps take a step back from the computer for a bit (not just a couple hours). Push the discussions out of your mind for a while. Realize that many members here don't hate you. In fact, the majority of responses seem to be quite understanding. Ya know for someone to take 15 minutes out of their day to write you a response signals to me that someone cares.

    Look, this post reminds me when I get very frustrated and very anxious. My brother when he gets in a similar mood talks himself in circles and ends up continually explaining himself and his actions even though my family has acknowledged them and discussed it at length. It's only when he calms down a bit and steps away for a bit of time, does the conversation finally sink in. But that doesn't happen until he lets go a bit about what people think and whatever else. I realize that can be challenging, but you can do it.

    I completely understand were you are coming from. I do. You are heard. But take my advice and maybe reflect on some of the advice you found useful in your threads, and take a break for a while. I don't think this thread is going to help fix matters for what you are feeling until you let go a bit, nor is any subsequent thread trying to clarify this one and so forth.
    Geno, as always appreciate the feedback. I was frustrated with specific people, not the site/community as a whole. Thanks for the reassurance and the good advice. Sometimes it's hard to pull myself away because I'm one of those people who can't leave anything alone. But I will try.

    That being said, and I want to be clear I'm not criticizing your choice to respond in a post rather than a PM, but the point of this thread was to invite people to PM me, and one PM I got already achieved what I was hoping this thread would do: foster mutual understanding and tolerance between someone who I had been at odds with previously. So in that sense I think it's doing it's job.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bartolome
    Geno, as always appreciate the feedback. I was frustrated with specific people, not the site/community as a whole. Thanks for the reassurance and the good advice. Sometimes it's hard to pull myself away because I'm one of those people who can't leave anything alone. But I will try.
    It's a great skill to have believe me on that on one lol. You remind me a lot of my brother when he gets in similar moods. So if it works for him, hell.



    That being said, and I want to be clear I'm not criticizing your choice to respond in a post rather than a PM, but the point of this thread was to invite people to PM me, and one PM I got already achieved what I was hoping this thread would do: foster mutual understanding and tolerance between someone who I had been at odds with previously. So in that sense I think it's doing it's job.
    I don't care if you criticize me. You are more than welcome. And that's great! But my advice still stands on it being, in my opinion, more beneficial to you.

    Greets

  5. #5

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    @ Geno: I'd be curious to hear more about your brother. PM me if you want.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Also, I know there are a lot of people on this site who DO care. It's just that a problem I have is focusing so exclusively on the negative (like when one or two people make personal attacks) that I take the positive for granted. And this is another skill to work on.

  6. #6

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    Hi, I know you have mentioned your depression here and other threads. I also have bouts my self. All my life. I know how hard it is to cope with it. I've done well with a combination of counseling and medication. I see a nurse practitioner once every three months to evaluate my progress and to make sure the medication levels are correct. It's taken years to get where I am now. I know that you can make progress to. Just keep at it and take care of yourself.

    One other thing to mention. A counselor I went to some time ago recommended a book to read. It really did help a lot so I thought I'd pass along the title. Maybe it will help you to. It's called "Feeling good, the new mood therapy" by Dr. David Burns.

    Take care and hope everything works out for you.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bartolome View Post
    Also, I know there are a lot of people on this site who DO care. It's just that a problem I have is focusing so exclusively on the negative (like when one or two people make personal attacks) that I take the positive for granted. And this is another skill to work on.
    You know, I've often felt this way a lot, especially when I first came on this site. Pretty much everything you've posted on this thread I've seen myself pondering on many different occasions. And what Geno said is exactly the kind of conclusion one should draw from this situation.

    A lot of times the real world can feel fake. Often AB/DL's, as well as other supposed societal outcasts, are withdrawn from their real lives because in a virtual community like ADISC we can all actually be ourselves. It feels so much more real than the outside world because we have a place where we can actually embrace ourselves for once. And it's because of that reason that anything and everything on this site that we feel is directed at us is going to feel 10x more personal because we are all letting our guard down here and showing our true colors.

    Just remember, we can often take things too critically because we are being too critical of ourselves on this site. Since we're all trying to be as honest as possible on this site, we want others to view us as we view ourselves, and when someone takes our viewpoint and analyzes it from a different perspective, that can seem drastically inconsistent with our own views of our personality and can cause serious friction. Don't take it too personally. Take Geno's advice and reconnect with the real world. Remember that there are parts of you that don't coincide with this site, and at the end of the day, if you feel like negativity is overwhelming the positive aspects on this site, then the whole point of this site as being a support site is failing and you need to remove yourself from it for a bit.

    Clear your head a bit and come back to us when you're ready. We'll all still be here waiting to help you whenever necessary, and hoping that you will be confident and comfortable enough to help others just as well once you've found your peace of mind. That's how this site works.

    And when you do come back, remember to take negativity with a grain of salt, but still sift through it to find the nuggets of constructive criticism within.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by 11hinzvic View Post
    Hi, I know you have mentioned your depression here and other threads. I also have bouts my self. All my life. I know how hard it is to cope with it. I've done well with a combination of counseling and medication. I see a nurse practitioner once every three months to evaluate my progress and to make sure the medication levels are correct. It's taken years to get where I am now. I know that you can make progress to. Just keep at it and take care of yourself.

    One other thing to mention. A counselor I went to some time ago recommended a book to read. It really did help a lot so I thought I'd pass along the title. Maybe it will help you to. It's called "Feeling good, the new mood therapy" by Dr. David Burns.

    Take care and hope everything works out for you.
    Thank you for your kindness, and your suggestion. At this point I'm just trying to do whatever my therapist/psychiatrist and parents say.

  9. #9

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