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Thread: How to reassure my AB boyfriend ? (from a non-AB)

  1. #1

    Question How to reassure my AB boyfriend ? (from a non-AB)

    Hello everyone,

    I've looked through the forum but couldn't find a thread that answered my questions so here I am. I hope I post it on the right board.

    I'm currently dating my boyfriend that I met 10 months ago. I found out that he was an AB while I was using his computer and found links to AB/DL related websites on his history. At first, I have to admit that I was a little bit scared because I really didn't know what it was. I asked for advices on a ABDL french forum, my boyfriend recognized me and we talked about it.
    He explained everything to me, in a very clear way, and once I understood it, I was reassured.
    He told me that I didn't need to take part into it if I didn't want to and that I could take as much time as I want to get used to it. Since, I've taken part in it a little bit : he's sleeping with a paci with me and I've bottled-feeded him few times. However, I'm not ready to see him in diapers yet but I think I'll be able to one day.
    I think this experience brought us even closer than before.

    I'm currently in an exchange program in Japan since September so we can't see each other IRL -until June. However, he came visiting me during the last two weeks of December. When he was here, we talked several times about it. I really felt that he needed it.
    But when we were speaking, I felt a little bit lost about several points :

    - He doesn't really understand how I can accept it because "it's weird". I told him that I love him and that even if it is, indeed, something unusual, it doesn't hurt anyone. He does nothing wrong and if it makes him feel good, I really don't mind that he does it.

    - He's afraid that one day I realize how much this is important for him and freak out. He's afraid that he'll go too far and that I won't say anything because I don't want to hurt him. I promessed him several times that I would tell him right away if I ever feel uncomfortable.

    - He keep saying that I'm wonderful and that he doesn't deserve me. And I think that it's why he often do what I want to do, buy me things, etc.

    - He's afraid that I'll leave him one day because of his AB side. He even had a nightmare about it during our holidays. No matter how many times I tell him that I love him, sometimes it's like he's already resigned to the fact that we'll break up one day.

    I've tried to reassure him but it's like I can't find the right words. I know that I'm the first non-AB/DL person knowing about it so it must be pretty new and weird for him too. He has hard times before to accept himself and I'm not sure he's completly managed to do it yet.

    So I'm asking you : How can I reassure him ? What words should I use ? How can I make him understand that I love him - including his AB side ? How can he stop worrying about it ?

    (Sorry if my english is a little bit clumsy ^^" )

  2. #2


    It sounds like to me that he is still suffering from a low level of self acceptance on this first of all. I don't know what you could do to confront that, but it sounds like it to me when he is saying that he doesn't know how you could accept it because "it's weird."

    I'm thinking that something that would help is if you took an assertive role in his Adult Baby life. There are probably things that he hopes he can do with you, but thinks it will be too much for you in the end, to the point that you will leave him, so it is building insecurity because its his fantasy. If that is what is going on, and it was me in this situation, I personally would feel very conflicted inside because I would know that I should put my girlfriend above everything, but there are things that I have dreamed of doing for my whole life, that I now feel selfish about wanting because i think my girlfriend would really never do.
    If you decided on a time that you could confront the issue of seeing him in a diaper, I think it would make a whole world of difference in his mind if you took on a mommy role and told him it was time to change his diaper, and then actually put him in a diaper/changed him. I know that is a lot to throw out there at you, but i guess the point is, that for him to see you do something like that would be a non-verbal way of saying, "I accept this side of you in every way," since diaper changes are kinda the pinnacle of AB fantasy.
    If that still seems like to much, you could do other things first to work up to it, even though he is sleeping with a paci and you have bottle fed him, have you tried taking the mother figure and telling him it was time to bottle feed? Or was he asking you if it was ok if he got a bottle. I'm mostly pointing this out, because by you taking an assertive role in this, it means to him that you enjoy this "game" per say.
    I'm not saying that this is the answer for your problem, but more like it is something that you could try. I hope you don't feel uncomfortable by me suggesting that you should change his diaper, but it might be something for you to consider at some point, since it may be something you will be doing in the distant future anyway. You could also try being assertive just by simply buying him babyish things like stuffed animals and toys and whatnot. Injecting comments like "Would little baby like this" while at the store and you see a cute babyish item that he glances at, also would make him feel like you are taking an assertive role in his little side.

    If anything, you can ignore all of what i have said. What i think most of all though that would help both you and him, is to go buy "There is a baby in my bed" on amazon, and read it while he is around, or even with him. If he sees that you are reading material to help you understand him better, it will probably make him feel more accepted as well. I read that book, and I cant think of anybody explaining the feelings and mental processing of an adult baby any better than that. A lot of what is in the book may or may not apply to him, as much of it does not apply to me, but the entire thing pretty much exposed my feelings when i was reading it.

  3. #3


    Hey! I'm a non-AB/DL as well. My boyfriend is a DL, so not quite the same, but we've had similar challenges.

    First of all, he's strictly a DL, so my main hurdle was getting used to seeing him in diapers. Wanting to be comfortable and actually being comfortable are two different things, and the latter comes with time. It's okay to say no to things that you aren't ready for yet -- it doesn't mean that you're completely opposed to his AB side, and he shouldn't take it that way. I imagine self acceptance was hard for him to come by, so he should be able to relate to the struggle of getting used to something unconventional. It helps to take things in stride, one thing at a time. Baby steps. Hah.

    Second, actions speak louder than words. You can tell him that you accept him, but it won't be the same as showing it, and this may take some time. If he's often had reason to associate this side of himself with non-acceptance, then experience will have taught him that you will likely not accept it as well. You'll have to counteract this with positive experiences which will, again, take time.

    Tyger had some good suggestions, but personally, I know that it could feel awkward to take on such a role. You may second guess if you're saying the right thing, or if it sounds awkward, but the bottom line is that he'll appreciate you for just trying. Don't get discouraged,but don't do something if you truly aren't comfortable -- it will manifest itself in a negative way. He may hear it in your voice, or you will brood over it when you're alone. Take your time, and indulge him at your own pace. It will make the experience more positive for everybody involved.

    So, recap: Take your time, and don't just rely on your words. It may take time, but things will fall into place. Lastly, never be afraid to ask for advice, but don't forget that honest communication with your SO is the key to a successful relationship.

    Best of luck!


  4. #4


    It all sounds like insecurity. And you can only say so much to him; in my experience, you can't make someone love and accept and be proud of themselves, only THEY can do that and they have to be willing to do that - I know you feel like you want to reassure him and make him feel better about himself, but you can only do so much... Only he can CHOOSE to say "im an abdl and im PROUD."

    I maintain the theory that this is why the abdl community is so silent and undocumented and "taboo" because a lot of us are very closed off and very afraid as well as unable to accept ourselves, so we come off as strange ~ but being the complete opposite, I've only gotten positive responses from people simply for being so PROUD of myself. I have friends who are far from even considering something like this who tell me they WISH they had my guts, and people really admire shameless self-expression. You will notice an increase in your relationship with him just by him accepting himself and being happy with who he is. He just needs to remember that 1. he's not alone (BY FAR), and 2. there are SO many worse things out there, this isn't even a bad thing by any means. and 3. he has YOU, he needs to realize that you are sticking around and you couldve chosen not to, but you did and you are supporting him! He needs to see how LUCKY he is because that outcome is VERY rare.

    Even though Tyger suggested taking on the "mommy" role, he may be too insecure for this.I use to think that was what I needed too, but even when my SO would do it for me, i still felt insecure and didn't enjoy it, or i would shy away from it. Self acceptance is called self-acceptance for a reason and he needs to understand that ~ It also helps to know how old you two are, cuz age plays a part in it as well. I've noticed that most ABDLs who are unaccepting of themselves usually tend to be younger and tend to accept themselves mid-20s (usually, but of course there are other cases of people not accepting themselves until 30 or 40).

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by butterflysoup View Post
    Don't get discouraged,but don't do something if you truly aren't comfortable -- it will manifest itself in a negative way. He may hear it in your voice, or you will brood over it when you're alone. Take your time, and indulge him at your own pace. It will make the experience more positive for everybody involved.p
    THIS is SO important, ESPECIALLY for an AB. When in the AB mode, the mind is regressed and things can have a tripled emotional effect. And if you force something when you are trying to fulfill the mommy role, it could manifest in a negative way and traumatize him.

  5. #5


    We cannot give you the correct words to reassure him that his AB activities will not drive you away. It is up to you to have a conversation with him to explore the basis for his fears and provide evidence to the contrary. At this time, your boyfriend appears to be filtering information from you with a negative filter: he only sees negative aspects. You must gently force him to see the positive aspects in addition to the negative. Proceed gently and cautiously; watch for signs that his mind needs time to think and allow him that time. You may need to wait a few days or a week before starting again.

    My first line of questions would look further into why he feels that he does not deserve you. What evidence does he have to support this conclusion? Can you provide evidence to the contrary? Use open-ended questions which cannot be answered with yes or no. As an example, "why do you feel you do not deserve me?" would be a good opening question.

    The second line of questions should explore his fear that the AB activities would drive you away someday. Depending upon the answers to the first line, this may or may not be a separate conversation. As his girlfriend, you need to feel loved and cherished by him. Ask him if he can continue to love you more than his AB items and promise to love him in return. Let him know that he is already giving you the love and support you need to stay with him and you have no doubts that this can continue well into the future. Also, share with him that the discovery of his AB side has brought you a deeper understanding of him and has drawn you closer to him. With this baseline of common understanding, you may safely explore his concerns with open-ended questions. Your goal is to replace his faulty logic with correct and reassuring logic.

    As far as the diapers go, do not go beyond your comfort zone and get disgusted. It will give him the wrong impression. There is no need to rush into it and cause both of you a bad experience. You may never be comfortable changing his diapers and that is ok. All that you must do is communicate with him your comfort level and acceptance. Ask him how involved he would like you to be with his diaper wearing and negotiate a happy rule set to address both of your individual comfort levels. Make it clear that you will clearly communicate any issues you have in the future. If you would like to be more involved in the future, let him know that also up front.

    Lastly, question his definition of weird and have him explain why you should not accept it. Have him rate his activities on a scale of 0-10 with 0 being homemade cookies (unusual, but completely good) and 10 being the weirdest, most evil and vile thing possible. How does his activities rate? I would assume it would rate on the good side and is not so difficult to accept as he currently imagines.

    Telling him you love him is good, but does not address his concerns directly. Explore the source of his concerns and address them directly in a gentle and loving way. Doing this will not only help him overcome his anxiety, but will also strengthen your mutual love. I wish you the best in reassuring your boyfriend.

  6. #6


    From the point of view of being DL with a non-DL boyfriend, I've taken things very slowly and not made any demands I know he'll be uncomfortable with. We're at the point where he's fine with me wearing concealed or in bed, but not really flaunting it. That's fine with me, as I'd never want to put him in an uncomfortable situation. Just being able to be curled up next to him in bed whilst diapered is hugely comforting, so I'm not going to risk breaking that for the more fantastical areas I'd like to explore. I know he's never likely to diaper me or change me, much as I'd like it, so I will never raise it as a possibility. If he decides he wants to, it'll be in his own time and on his own terms. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good!

    From the point of view of your relationship, I agree with some of the points raised above. You somehow have to get yourself comfortable with him wearing, but in a way that doesn't make it a major thing or appear as though it's begrudging. Personally, I'd say allowing him to wear to bed once in a while might work best, as nothing is being paraded or flaunted. Quite how you instigate that is another question. Personally, I'd say a hug before bed, a pat on the rear and a gentle yet firm whispered command would work, but that depends entirely on you both as individuals. I wish you good luck with it.

  7. #7


    Well, first, I hope you had his permission to use his computer. I don't let anyone use mine without strict supervision.

    Just that the fact that you cared enough to come here seek answers shows that you're more willing than most people to accept the unusual. If you love him, the diapers shouldn't matter. If I were your boyfriend I'd feel very lucky to be with someone like you.

    One thing though: I would ALSO feel very self conscious and probably more than a little guilty, esp. since you found out by accident.
    I understand it was an accident but when my ex (who was a computer hacker) invaded my privacy to find this out by hacking my computer. She was also sick to spill the beans to her vicious hacker friends online when it suited her to create drama and instigate these guys into cyber-harassing me for years.

    She was crazy. You don't sound crazy, but I'd be more careful when using someone else's computer that you don't, even accidentally, invade their privacy. What I went through felt like being raped and humiliated. I should have kicked her out on the street that very night but she threw a tantrum and begged me and begged me and it took me over 2 years to get that parasitic ***** out of my life.

    Your boyfriend might be feeling this way because in a sense, even though it's not what you intended, even though it was an accident, at the end of the day his privacy was violated. He probably would have told you himself when he was ready. But if I were him... I can't say I wouldn't be angry. And that anger would probably be irrational, but once you've had your privacy violated (like I said, even though this was an accident) it's hard to trust again. And as an AB (I don't know how this is for others) I barely trust anyone anyway. So try to take his behavior in the context that you probably found out before he was ready to tell you, and it came up before he was ready to deal with it. Some of us take a long long time to accept ourselves and some of us never fully do.

  8. #8


    Thank you everyone for your answers !

    I've just realized that I forgot an important point : I discovered he was an AB 8 months ago so it's not that new to me. I had time to understand most of it and him to get used that someone know.

    Furthermore, here's some precisions that I've been asked :
    - I'm 22 and he's 25
    - No, I didn't use his computer without his permission. He was at work all day, I was using his computer because I've always been authorized to and found the website while I was looking for one site I'd been earlier. I really don't think he's upset with that.


    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    have you tried taking the mother figure and telling him it was time to bottle feed? Or was he asking you if it was ok if he got a bottle. I'm mostly pointing this out, because by you taking an assertive role in this, it means to him that you enjoy this "game" per say. [...] You could also try being assertive just by simply buying him babyish things like stuffed animals and toys and whatnot.
    He never asked me to do it but I never did it without asking first "Do you want a bottle ?". Oh, and I do love bottle feeding him, it's a very special moment. He told me that he likes when someone takes care of him and that there was a big difference between saying that he could use his paci and putting his paci in his mouth like a mom would do. Since then, I try to act like that. I bought and made him some plushies already as well as fluffy blanket that I know he'd love.

    Right now, the further I could go would be to be with him while he's wearing a diaper under his cloths. I'm not ready for more at the moment and I won't force myself. As several people said his this topic, I wouldn't like it, he wouldn't either (and be guilty) and it may worsen things anyway.

    @ Jeremiah : Thanks for your advices ! That's mainly what I've tried to do but I think I'll try again with some of you ideas in mind.

    However, I really feel uncomfortable asking a question such as "Do you love me more than your AB stuff ?" because it sounds like "Could you give it up for me ?". And I won't ever asking him something like that because I perfectly know that it's a need he can't suppress.

  9. #9


    Bagreen, I wish I could steal you from him.

    I've never encountered another female so open to any of this stuff.

    You are a credit to your gender and orientation. Especially your gender. You must really love him. It ALMOST gives me hope.

  10. #10


    For reassurance actions speak far louder than words. While it may be a mental hurdle, next time you see him work to get involved without his asking. If he's ab, maybe that means diapering him and just being there. I told my wife a month after we were engaged about my fetish. For me it's a little easier because I don't like wearing them, but like to see her wear. I realize that brings up different sets of challenges, but I digress...
    When I told her, I was convinced she would break off the engagement and leave my happy ass. Well, we're married now, and are soon to have our 1 year anniversary, so you get the idea.
    The main point is, your words can be as sweet as honey and as sincere as a sunset, but dread is a bitter and dark thing that can ruin the most pleasing of flavors. Action is what will melt his fears away. I realize that maybe that will be a hurdle to overcome, but when you get over that hurdle, he'll stop being so doubtful.
    I tip my hat to you for being an understanding and individual and I wish you both long and happy lives. Best of luck in the future.

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