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Thread: How to Trust Women Again After an Abusive Relationship???

  1. #1

    Default How to Trust Women Again After an Abusive Relationship???

    I'm not a misogynist but I know I can come off as one sometimes. I have a lot to be angry about, but I'm trying to keep a lid on that.

    How does a guy who survived a very abusive relationship with a very sick, sociopathic person learn to trust women again? She was a really horrible person and I know not everyone is an evil sociopathic computer hacker but every time I even think about trying to date I end up telling myself that what happened will repeat itself because the only woman I've been with in the last decade targeted me for my vulnerabilities (and forgive, I'm always afraid people will think I'm exaggerating about her, you have to trust me that there's no possible way of over-exaggerating the mental abuse she put me through).

    I have female friends but I find myself redirecting my anger and mistrust toward them (and they don't deserve that, but when I'm manic and raging, I don't think clearly).

    I really want to learn how to trust women instead of seeing them as an attractive but ever-elusive enemy who want nothing to do with me.

    Self esteem. Yeah. I know. But I need evidence. I don't believe things on faith. How do I go about finding that evidence?

  2. #2


    Really, the only way to get this 'evidence' that you want is to go and find out for yourself. I can tell you that I'm not a sociopath, but why would you believe me, I'm just a randomer on the internet. Go out for coffee with a woman, go out for dinner, and find out for yourself that we're not all terrible people.

    It might also help to try and get some closure from your ex. If you're still hung up on her then it could be worthwhile reaching out and having a conversation with her and seeing if she's going to apologise.

  3. #3


    She disappeared off the face of the planet. And she's not someone I ever want within 100 miles of me again. If I saw her today I would call the FBI and report an illegal alien criminal computer hacker, which is what she is. She'd never own up to doing anything wrong. All she knows how to do is lie. Trust me. SHe wouldn't apologize, she'd try to convince me I was the abuser. Some people are beyond redemption and she is such a person.

    This is a dangerous person who had no problem with letting her vicious hacker friends on line know about my fetish, and then instigated 2 years of cyber-harassment and psychological bullying targeted at me.

    I'm too afraid to ask a woman out. Last time I tried to get a number I failed and became depressed for weeks and tried to kill myself. If I thought a woman was going to go out on a date with me I wouldn't be this insecure. I just assume they'll all say no because there's no way I can just bounce back from even a single rejection. Women can see that I'm insecure. That's what attracted my psycho ex and probably what repulses women away from me now. They see it. They smell it. But I don't know how to not be insecure.

  4. #4


    Self esteem. Yeah. I know. But I need evidence. I don't believe things on faith. How do I go about finding that evidence?
    In your effort to somehow fix some of your problems by getting attention from women, you're ignoring what you need to be focusing on. Being in any sort of romantic relationship is not going to help you out or make you feel better about yourself.

  5. #5


    Have you tried going to a psychologist? I mean it sounds like you really did go through mental abuse, and it is affecting your happiness, even after getting rid of what was causing distress. If you are actually going to the point of trying to kill yourself, a psychologist would probably be a good idea.

    Do you have any women you can look back on you life and say to yourself "I would trust a woman like that." Have you tried to pick out what things about them, made them more trust-able.

  6. #6


    I went through something similar. I once dated someone who was very emotionally abusive and volatile. So I can tell you that it's very hard to put things back together. My big thought is that this is something you should see a therapist about. I never did, and as a result it took quite some time to put things back together inside. It sounds, though, like you're dealing with some additional challenges, including suicidal thoughts. This is something you should always, always tell someone about. If you don't have a therapist, please speak to one. These kind of thought patterns can be fatal, so please take care of yourself and find someone to talk to.

    I wouldn't worry about dating at all until you've mostly moved past the trauma of this relationship. It'll take time to rebuild your trust in women, and to get yourself to a healthy place, mentally. Relationships can be wonderful, but they require a lot of mental investment. If you're having trouble trusting people, I'd say it's best not to put yourself in a place where you can be hurt. Take the time to heal. Spend time with friends. Friends are a wonderful example of how you can trust people. Your faith in women won't be rebuilt quickly. But by reaching out bit by bit, like you've done now, it can happen.

    Thanks for reaching out like this. I hope you find healing soon!

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by Bartolome View Post
    But I don't know how to not be insecure.
    Try faking it.

    Don't expect instant results. It's a learning process that takes time.
    Don't look at every encounter with an attractive female as the start of a relationship. Just have fun in the moment. Just accept the friendship.
    Rejections don't mean you are a failure. Giving up on yourself is failure. Rejections are just part of the learning process.
    Not all rejections are your fault. When they are - make adjustments. When they aren't - shrug it off.
    You may have to reject someone sometime. It's not easy, but be decisive.
    Discouragement and depression happen. See a shrink if it becomes overwhelming - they can help.
    Practice! Practice doesn't make really you perfect but that's ok because perfection sucks anyway.

  8. #8


    Stop worrying so much about your past. I was also abused by a psychopath who would told me I was worthless every day. I was abused by my family and by mobs of children in every school I'd gone to. I think abuse happens to people with Aspergers more often because we're not great socially and not as skilled at noticing big red flags. So, it happened, it was awful, but it's over now. You can either learn from this and grow as a human or let it ruin your life. But you're in control of that. No one else. That girl is gone. You're the only one perpetuating the cycle now. You can either let the past cause you despair and depression or you can learn from it and have hope in your future.

    Why spend countless hours upset over something that there is absolutely no way to fix? That's just the cycle of depression right there. "That sucked / If only that thing changed I'd be happier right now / Oh no, there's nothing I can do / Welp, guess I'll just never be happy then." Do you see the giant lack of logic? The way to happiness isn't changing your past, but it's changing your present. That's what you have control over, right now. You can sit there and sob into your hands because of some crappy event that happened twelve years ago, or you can get up and go the fuck outside and look around at the beautiful world. One of those options leads to nothing but wallowing around in misery, and one leads to many awesome possibilities. The choice is yours.

    And women aren't some kind of other evil animalistic species that goes around 'smelling your fear' and using it to control you. If that's how you view women, no wonder things aren't working out in the dating world. They're people. All different kinds of people. Why would you direct anger towards your female friends? Just because they're female? Again, women aren't some kind of exact entity. Are you just like every man you've ever met? Women aren't just like every other woman we've ever met, either. So how can you trust women again? Start realizing they're not all the same thing. Once you realize that not all women are your psychotic ex, then you're good to go. Sure, learn from what you've experienced. If another woman starts telling you you're worthless again, you tell her goodbye. You've seen that shit before and you have a great guess as to what's coming along next. That's utilizing the past effectively. You're not wallowing in it; you're using knowledge and experience you've gained.

  9. #9


    Thank you all for your concern and suggestions. Everyone always says see a therapist, I'm already seeing two, one's a sex specialist to deal with th eABDL stuff, the other is also a psychiatrist who prescribes me my meds. Problem is my metabolism builds tolerance to the meds faster than most patients. I'm considering alternative types of treatments.

    Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest because I kind of get annoyed when people say "go see a therapist" as if I haven't been seeing therapists most of my life.

    - - - Updated - - -

    I mean, I'm an intelligent, educated person. OF COURSE I am seeing professionals for these problems. I myself WAS a mental health professional for years. Sorry if I am taking this too personally.

  10. #10


    Hello, here's a reading suggestion if you'd like one: Bad Childhood---Good Life, Dr. Laura Schlessinger

    I realize it looks kind of smarmy, but this is the most clear and accessible book on GETTING OVER STUFF that I've read in a long time. (and I do a lot of reading on this stuff) You might look it up. Check your library, or buy a copy for $4. I think it might make sense of a lot of things for you.

    I really want to learn how to trust women instead of seeing them as an attractive but ever-elusive enemy who want nothing to do with me.
    I'd like to suggest you ask yourself why you want this, exactly, and what you're hoping/expecting to get out of it. That's not a trick question -- it's just that any solution is going to be sitting in the honest answer to this, not in all the scary-rage-loudness surrounding it.

    And then I would venture to say that whatever you're looking for from women, you might need to find within your self and your life first. People are not a drug, or a cure; relationships really don't do anything except intensify what your life already is. So if your life is already bright and clear and happy, it'll become more so. And if it's already dark and suspicious and angry, it'll wind up being more of that, too.

    Just something to think about.

    p.s. I probably won't be very involved in this thread (not very conversational lately), but I hope that you find help here all the same. Good luck

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