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Thread: SO's of an AB/DL

  1. #1

    Default SO's of an AB/DL

    So I first joined this site about a year ago, when my boyfriend told me that he liked to wear diapers. I wanted to learn all I could and be supportive, and for the most part, things have worked out really well. I wear diapers for him sometimes and I try to say the things he likes to hear -- the only problem is, he doesn't really know what he wants to hear, because he's never shared this part of his life with anybody else before. We try to talk about it, but he gets a little frustrated because he can't answer my questions.

    I should mention that this isn't something I've asked him to keep to himself by any means. He wears all the time, and I wear for him, but just wearing doesn't seem to do the trick. I'm also not very confident with sex (or, well, in general, hah). He wants me to tell him to do things, but he won't listen to me when I do, even when I push for it, and we haven't figured out any other way for me to turn him on. So I just...can't turn him on. Which is a bummer.

    Which leads me to the whole reason I'm even posting: I hate that I can't turn him on, no matter what I do. My body doesn't turn him on, and if I try to kiss him he can't get in the mood unless he's already been thinking about his fantasies. I've tried to be a part of those fantasies for him, but if he hasn't already gotten himself horny then it doesn't work. Having always been wildly insecure, I don't take this very well, which I do feel badly about. I realize he can never be sexually attracted to ME, and I think that's been the only thing that's really difficult to cope with. Which is stupid, because he loves me very much and would do anything for me, and that really should be comforting enough.

    I realize that I'm just whining and ranting at this point. I was just wondering if there's maybe anybody out there whose felt the same way, or can explain how you still have an attraction to your significant other when you're just into diapers. Or maybe you can't, and how you expect them to feel about it. Or. Something.

    HELP ME COME TO TERMS WITH THIS.

    Thanks!
    Butterflysoup
    Last edited by butterflysoup; 17-Jan-2014 at 16:42.

  2. #2

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    Honestly, if this is going to be a successful relationship you need to start talking to him about 'US' not just him. It's gotta be two way or the the highway....seriously.

    I know you want to make him happy and that is important, but your needs have to be fulfilled also, and he needs to respect that. For eg. You are making an effort to indulge in practices that aren't necessarily your thing, so equally he should be making an effort to meet your needs. Have you talked with him about what you need? Or more importantly how he can meet these?

    With regards to his little needs, it is hard to know.... As a little or in little mode it can be hard to fully express our emotional needs (lol... Its seriously like a baby trying to communicate its needs ... Not easy) you probably need to rely on your observation and intuition... For me I couldn't over emphasise the importance of touch. It could be that simple. Also reinforcing his identity by referring to him by little terms.

    Be aware though ... babies can be greedy...

    Hey, on a final note ... don't underestimate your own attractiveness ... it could just be that you're so busy meeting his needs abdl wise, that he's not feeling horny at other times. Maybe he needs to back off his wearing some.

  3. #3

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    Reading your post about your talks with him, I have to say that I don't really buy that he doesn't know what he wants. He may know but fears to say or he just may not have really spent enough time looking at himself and considering how another person might really fit into his world. If it's the latter, he needs to really spend some time on it as it won't materialize out of thin air. Just speculation on what you've said and what I know myself and have read here from others, I'd say he's in sort of early self-acceptance and hasn't figured out if he is okay with asking for what he wants from you or even letting you tell him, which may well be more to the point. You've done your part in being open, he needs to put forth some effort to make this something that might be good for you both.

    Lastly, I wouldn't say it's unfair or whining and ranting that you are bothered by his apparent lack of desire. You're the only one who can really decide if that's enough for you and I don't think it's unfair if the answer is "no, it isn't enough". If diapers are the only thing that can make him happy, he needs to be able to put up a really good front for your benefit. Even if he's not aroused, there is much he can do to make you feel loved and desired.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by butterflysoup View Post
    Which leads me to the whole reason I'm even posting: I hate that I can't turn him on, no matter what I do. My body doesn't turn him on, and if I try to kiss him he can't get in the mood unless he's already been thinking about his fantasies. I've tried to be a part of those fantasies for him, but if he hasn't already gotten himself horny then it doesn't work. Having always been wildly insecure, I don't take this very well, which I do feel badly about. I realize he can never be sexually attracted to ME, and I think that's been the only thing that's really difficult to cope with. Which is stupid, because he loves me very much and would do anything for me, and that really should be comforting enough.
    Michelle.
    Michelle

    That indeed is a bit of a bummer! and I'm sorry to hear.

    I can not exactly say I'm an expert on your specific issues - as I'm neither your typical DL (my DL side doesn't work with a partner at any rate) nor do my SO and I have a problem with being turned on by each other. However we've been together for 12 years so far and our sex life is quite amazing.
    But it took some work in the beginning and that is why I chose to reply.

    Sexuality is inherently complex and highly individual - that is important to keep in mind, as whilst there are certain stereotypes that will connect with many, there are still subtle variations even within complete stereotypes that will make it more complex.
    So take this into account with the following - I have no intention to give you the "save your sex-life" solution, as much as I'd like to do so - I merely will try to hint / point out certain things... and from there you guys can try to work it out... if it helps, I'm glad, if not I'm sorry.

    Well enough of the prologue

    from your description I can see several areas that need some work - first, and I guess that one is as important as the rest is YOUR side of the things.
    I think it's amazing that you are so openminded, so supportive etc... but honestly insecure or not - there must be something in it for you aside from pleasing your boyfriend. I am not saying that sex must always be a 100%-both-way satisfactory setting... it's perfectly ok to sometimes do something just to make your partner happy, actually I think it's not just "OK" - I believe it's very important... ...AS LONG as it is within your comfort zone.
    With my GF and myself we have a lot of sexual desires in common - that's good - but there's couple of things I like to do she isn't really into, and there's a few things she's hot for I'm not really into - but we're both willing to fulfill those needs occasionally, as long as they're within the comfort range of each other.
    I believe this is important, it builds trust, helps to get fulfillment and keeps it spicy for both.
    But from what you write you try 100% to make sex pleasurable for him, and yet I don't see you in there being happy either.

    Then there's the one thing you say which really bothers me: "I realize he can never be sexually attracted to ME".
    That is quite sad in my opinion, you say this with a definitive tone to it, and I dearly hope this is not really true.
    If that is the case - honestly your shared sex life will always most likely stay quite complicated.
    Sexuality is physical as much as it is psychological. And I simply can't imagine that he will find nothing at all appealing about your physique - after all it plays at least fractional primal part in how we choose our partners.

    This needs some talking about imho. - you guys need to sit down and discuss what turns EACH one of you on / which does turn you off..
    Also I find it helpful to define comfort zones... for example there's stuff that most people will have no problem with... then there's the gray area... stuff that isn't on your list of to-do tings, but yet doesn't make you cringe and run away - then there's stuff you don't want to touch with a 10'-pole.
    It's important to KNOW what those things are - for both. The "hard NO-NO" stuff should be thrown out of each others wish-list for things to ever do... or at least it should NEVER be pushed .... the gray-zone well that stuff can be tried and modified ... and experimented with. some will be amazingly fun - other stuff will probably be a turn-off... and anything in between... but the "gray" area allows a for a lot of spicing up at times - for some naughty "I shouldn't do this" (in a good way) stuff...
    You get the idea.

    Once you know - what those things are for both of you, I guess venturing outside of the box will be easier, experimenting will be easier and trying to find stuff that will turn you on and him on will be a lot more likely.

    Also really talk about the "he doesn't find my body a turn on"-issue... don't put this somewhere in your mental lock-box... this needs to be talked about.


    Then there's this "Just into diapers" - obviously I can not relate... but I also find it really hard to believe that there's anyone who's truly ONLY INTO DIAPERS.
    I mean ok, the desire and objectified sexuality can be strong - a fetish can be a powerful thing...
    But none the less, probably he got "stuck" somewhere and is either unwilling / or "unable" on his own to overcome this singular fixation on an inanimate object.
    if he's done diapers as his main / only way of sexual relieve over years, and the diapers have indeed provided him the "valve" he needed - then it will be "burnt" into his behavioral need-action-reward pattern... stuff like this isn't really easy to change or "expand" - but it's certainly possible - IF he WANTS it...

    To be honest I guess it wouldn't hurt - for both of you to seek some form of professional help. Sex Therapy or Couples Counseling with someone who's specialised on sex therapy would be good.
    As weird as it can be at first, to talk with an un-involved third party about this - but it exactly is this aspect that can help to build new bridges.

    And as mentioned, it is important FOR YOU to find out WHAT YOU WANT.
    You need to figure out how important your sex life if to you (and yes, it can vary from person to person.. to some it is the most important things for others it's not on the top-10 - and it can change over time... in both directions).

  5. #5

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    Ok, I don't know your SO, obviously, but it sounds like he may be asexual. I'm going to base my response on this, so if I'm wrong, forgive me. I'm asexual, and this is exactly what I'm afraid of occurring with my SO. It is, in no way shape or form, your fault for not being an attraction factor for him... and I hope he would make this clear if you asked. You're doing so much for him, and it sounds like there may not be an equal amount of effort on both sides. It may be hard for him. I know it probably will be for me, but one person can't be doing all the work in a relationship. All I can say is, don't feel insecure because of this. It really isn't your fault. Maybe bring this up with him; express your concerns. Hopefully, you two can work this out together.

  6. #6

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    I remember when you first came to this site, and had this same problem. In a year, you've made little or no progress. It seems that things will not change. There are several things you could do. While he's enjoying himself with his diapers, you could pleasure yourself and work it into your diaper play.

    Beyond that, since he is your boyfriend and not your husband, you could look elsewhere for sexual gratification.

    My other question is this. What are your plans for the future? Do you want to marry this man? Do you want to have children, and if so, is he capable of doing that which is necessary to make children? I think these are all serious questions you need to think about, and then decide if you want to stay with him.

  7. #7

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    I was with a guy for 13 years who I loved dearly, who was my best friend in many ways, but our sexual compatibility was maybe a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. We just couldn't get it going and the sex just withered on the vine. I went more into my DL at the time which he didn't mind but had no desire to share with me. Eventually I met someone else who "got me", but the breakup sucked. Try as I did to make it smooth and remain friends, it was complicated, messy, and heartbreaking.

    Who knows where your relationship will go? All I will say is, listen to your heart and mind. You may love him very much but consider your overall happiness- and his too. If you have open and honest communication and there is nobody else on either side- yet- you could extract yourselves from being a "couple" and remain friends, even to the point where you still humor him with diaper play once in a while. But, don't keep yourselves chained to each other if you don't really want it, because resentment stinks and festers, turns love sour and makes you bitter and spiteful. You DON'T wanna get there- so have some honest talks and find out what you both want out of A relationship and see if it's possible to get it from the one you're currently in. Then decide from there what you want to do.

    Best of luck, and May the Force Be With You.

  8. #8

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    Hey guys, thank you so much for your responses!

    First off, Dogboy, I definitely wouldn't say that we've made no progress in a year. A year ago I was afraid of even seeing him in a diaper, and couldn't even imagine incorporating diapers into our sex life! The difference is, a year later, diapers have been involved 99% of the time, and it's made me question where I actually stand in all of this. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm annoyed at you, I just really want to make that clear.

    Also, I haven't thought about breaking up with him for a second. I just want to be able to look at this a different way, or maybe understand it better, or come to terms with it, or whatever. Just so I don't feel so insignificant. Also, I was really upset about it when I originally posted this, and that may have been evident. I'm really just trying to look at this from a logical perspective and an open mind, because I know it isn't necessarily personal. I'm just one of those unfortunate people who bases their entire self worth on the opinions of others, which is a massive personal flaw.

    EPO1: Your response was very thorough, and I appreciate it. You mentioned that he might have gotten "stuck" at some point, associating diapers and only diapers with sexual gratification. This is 1000% true, and he's said it. I'm his first girlfriend, and we started dating when he was 25. He'd never had sex with anybody else, and has been wearing diapers (unnecessarily) since preschool. This is very deeply engrained in him. I guess these are all things that I should have mentioned in my initial post. He gets super nervous at the idea of traditional sex.

    We actually had a pretty thorough conversation about it last night, where neither of us got too emotional, and that really helps. He says he's not "completely" asexual, because he can still recognize an attractive girl (but, I mean, so can I, objectively.) I also asked, perhaps naively, if sex therapy would be able to teach him to be sexually attracted to me, and he said that he really didn't think so. But he said that when he fantasizes about diaper things that he includes me in them, so I guess I'll have to be content with being part of the fantasy that arouses him, as opposed to being the thing that...actually arouses him.

    Really, this is all about changing my mindset, because I have an extremely "vanilla" take on sex, and have never been very open about it. But I told him the one thing that I really want is for him to pursue me, or to make me feel like he really wants me along with (or maybe, sometimes, instead of) the diapers. Most of what he told me to try involves me coming after him, telling him to do things -- it never involves him coming to me and hinting that, hey, I'm thinking about you in that way! I also don't want anybody to get the idea that he's selfish in any way, because he's the most selfless person I've ever met, and he would literally do anything for me. He's like my mother, the way that he would move heaven and earth to make my life just a little bit easier. This is in no way me questioning how much he loves me. I feel like every time I post about this it makes him sound like a terrible person, and that's literally not true at all

    Thanks again, you guys. If anything it helps to be reminded once in a while that we aren't the only two people in the whole world dealing with this kind of thing.
    Thank you so, so much.

    -Butterflysoup

  9. #9
    CrinklySiren

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    Im sure everyone's already said more than enough helpful info lol but i'll give my 2 cents anyway. First let me say 2 things: 1. I love your username LOL and 2. You are AMAZING for being as supportive as you are..... a lot of us don't get that lucky with our SOs. But anyway, as Trevor said, that whole "not knowing what he wants to hear" sounds a whole lot like insecurity. Its a more likely idea that he's just not comfortable openly talking about it fully yet, or hasnt accepted it in himself entirely.

    As for the sex thing, at this point it looks like you need to talk to him and come to a consensus on your relationship and your "play" time, because i've noticed for a lot of ABDLs (especially the males) sex can become difficult or bland if diapers and ageplay arent involved somehow. He needs to make sure that he understands you too. Its important that he caters to your desires in the very least as a return of favor for everything you do for him. I've noticed that for a lot of ABDLs, when it comes to sexual relations, they get kinda selfish lol and honestly he needs to at least ATTEMPT some kind of change in the sex life whether its sex therapy or something because you can only change your mindset so much before you decide you cant do it anymore... and I promise you it will have nothing to do with diapers and everything to do with the fact that he just doesn't make you feel wanted. I understand exactly how you feel because back when I tried incorporating diapers into my sex life with my SO, she started feeling the same way and to keep this from happening, we stopped using diapers with sex and (we still do it now but VERY rarely, i find myself not needing or wanting it because I realized that its not sexual for me, or at least the use of the diaper isnt sexual, but its more the feeling of submitting and being treated like a bad babygirl kind of aspect) and she felt like i was completely unattracted to her which was not true because i LOVE her body.

    He needs to pretty much come to an adult mind about all this. But i will agree that it takes a bit of opening up for you too. Honestly, sex is SO important in a healthy relationship and eventually it wont matter how vanilla or how non-open you are... your sexual doors will FLY open after so much repression and you wont care anymore, so I would suggest you open yourself up more and maybe try exploring yourself and finding out things that you might be interested in, and discuss it with him so he can make you feel attractive and sexy. You're obviously a mature adult and you not only understand the situation well, but you also understand HIM which is so magnificent because my SO didnt even accept me until maybe some time last year (we've been together for 6 years).

    Also, when it comes to exploring yourself, dont ever think you're vanilla because i've noticed that NO ONE is vanilla lol they might say they are, but the majority of people do things that wouldn't be considered your every day average sex. There are MANY things that categorize as non-vanilla, you just have to discover them xD. I always thought my SO was as vanilla as it gets and that i could never please her because she didnt have any "fetishes", but i came to find out that she likes suspension and restraints and stuff like that, so she was totally not vanilla at all.

    I hope you guys can work things out

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by CrinklyEmilyLG View Post
    ...because i've noticed for a lot of ABDLs (especially the males) sex can become difficult or bland if diapers and ageplay arent involved somehow.

    I understand exactly how you feel because back when I tried incorporating diapers into my sex life with my SO, she started feeling the same way and to keep this from happening, we stopped using diapers with sex and (we still do it now but VERY rarely, i find myself not needing or wanting it because I realized that its not sexual for me, or at least the use of the diaper isnt sexual, but its more the feeling of submitting and being treated like a bad babygirl kind of aspect) and she felt like i was completely unattracted to her which was not true because i LOVE her body.
    Emily, you've really hit the nail on the head. When we first tried having sex without diapers (before he even told me about his fetish) it didn't work...at all. Also, regarding what you and Trevor have said -- I think the problem is that he doesn't know what he wants with a companion. He knows exactly what he wants when there's nobody else involved, but this is new territory for him as well. I think that I assume because DLism (is that even a word?) is his fetish, that this should all be easy for him, and that we're entirely in his domain -- but that's not necessarily true. I think that the reality of actually incorporating another person into his sex life has been a huge thing for him to get accustomed to. I'm not sure he's entirely able yet to translate his fantasies into a real life situation.

    I want something that I can use to get him in the mood -- with a "normal" person, you can go up and start kissing them, and a lot of the time they'll want to kiss you back too, and then things escalate. That doesn't work with him, unless he's already been thinking about things on his own. I'm looking for his trigger (he's told me to tell him to wet himself, but if he isn't already in the mood, then he refuses to do it, and not just in a "bratty little kid" way, which I know is sort of a thing.) But then again, I also don't want the entirety of our sexual relationship to be me pursuing and arousing him with diaper talk. It just feels too one-sided. (Which goes back to what you mentioned, Emily, about ABDLism making people a little bit selfish -- it even worked on the least selfish person in the world!)

    I realize, of course, that this isn't something you guys could help me out with, haha. We need to work that one out on our own.

    Also, any time you guys start talking about your SOs, I'm relieved to know that my concerns are actually legitimate among people on this side of the relationship

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