Like almost every other person my age, I'm stuck in the inbetweens of wanting to be something great but fearing that I don't have the intellect or ability to achieve it.
When I was in early college (equivalent to high school) I had no idea what I wanted to do. Among all the classes I took nothing really interested me until the very last year. I took Spanish because I needed the credits, and I fell in love. I had taken French a few years before this, but I really didn't care for it one way or another. But Spanish...between the teacher's enthusiasm, the language, and the culture...I just fell madly in love.
And despite it being about 3 years since, I still practice the language almost daily (through DuoLingo) and I'm still in love. I want to travel across the world, learn other languages, and eat all kinds of diverse foods. I want to live in this way, because the mere thought of it makes me so amazingly happy. But I'm not.
And why is that?
I could say that its because I'm afraid of leaving my loved ones behind. But none of them would be critical about me leaving since I've been open about my future plans as a linguist/teacher/traveler. Or at least they haven't been critical of it (besides the normal, "I'd miss you").
I could say that its because I don't feel like I'm able to achieve the degrees needed to become a teacher/linguist. Because I've had a history of attention problems and a general lack of enthusiasm for most classes. But I genuinely tried in Spanish, completed two 2 month classes within the span of 1 semester and achieved B's for my effort. So I have the ability to do well.
I could say that I'm scared. I could say that I'm worried that whatever efforts I put forth will all be complete failures and that I'll have nothing to show for my hard work. That I will go into debt in college because I'm not entirely sure if FAFSA is even a choice for me anymore, and that I will never get out of said debt.
But if it has the slightest of chances of making me happy? If the classes themselves help me get up in the morning, it'd be worth it right?
Beyond Spanish I've found that I seem to have a love for all the languages I've attempted. French is still not my favorite, but German has definitely been interesting so far. But that's just a fact that you didn't really need to know.
I'm confused, honestly about what I should do next. But writing this down makes things less confusing. I'm going to look into colleges..get myself into classes I enjoy and need for whatever degree I decide on...and go from there. It's a step, I think.
Not sure what I'm asking for here...I just think I needed to write this down. And this came out. XD