I have been labeled a lurker, so I guess I need to introduce myself to you all. My story is kinda long, but interesting. I hope you enjoy!
I have always questioned why I am the way I am. Its really just been in the last 5 years that I gained an acceptance and a peace with who I am. I no longer ask why! I truly believe their is no answer to that question for any of us. I didn't come to this peace in my life alone! It happened when I met a beautiful woman who accepted every part of me. No judgement! She helped give me security in the one area of my life I was totally insecure. That beautiful woman has been my wife for the last 3 years. So far the 2nd half of my story seems to be starting out great!
The first half of my story starts when I was just 8 months old. My father had been having an affair on my mother during her entire pregnancy. My mother found out in early August. The stress from the affair caused my mom to start labor and I was born August 26th 1974 six weeks early. I weighed less than four pounds and almost died at birth. I spent the first 6 weeks of my life in a hospital. My mom and dad were divorced by the time I was 8 months old. I don't remember any of this of course, but I believe this stress in the first 8 months of my life played a huge part of how I found security and comfort early on and forever in my life. My mother had to work full time to support us, I was with babysitters during the day and home with my mother at night. My mother and I never had much time together due to her working so much. Some of my first memories are of baths and diaper changes given to me by my mom. My mother loved me very much, and hated she couldn't be with me more. I remember how loving these times were and how safe and secure I felt as I was taken out of the bath, dried off, and diapered. I believe that it was during this time I started transferring that feeling of security with my mother to just being in a diaper. The diaper became my transference object. Since my mother was rarely there to give me that security my mind began to find that security from just being diapered. For as far back as I can remember I wanted to be in a diaper. I took forever to potty train, and wet the bed regularly until my mid teens. I was in night time diapers until I was 5. It was about this time my mom decided to get remarried to my stepdad Carl. She wanted me out of diapers before we moved into his house. She stopped making me wear diapers to bed, and began to put a lot of pressure on me to stop the bedwetting. She tried everything no liquids, wetting alarms, etc... I guess you can say it worked. I went from wetting the bed every night to a couple of times a week. My stepdad was not a nice guy and he hated me. When I did wake up wet he made a huge deal about it. He would tease me in front of my two older stepbrothers. I began to yearn to be put back in diapers. I would beg my mother to put me back in diapers for bed when I was alone with her. She refused to let me. She was afraid that I would be teased even worse if my brothers knew I was wearing a diaper. In a shelf in the closet in my bathroom we still had a half empty bag of diapers. I started stealing them and wearing them to bed under my pjs. It was great if I wet my stepdad didn't know cuz my bed wasn't wet, but if I stayed dry I would hide the diaper in my closet and use it again. I remember feeling so safe and secure wearing those diapers. I slept so good knowing I didn't have to worry about a wet bed. That security was short lived. One morning my stepdad came in my room to wake me up for school. He pulled back my covers and told me to wake up. I guess my pj bottoms had slipped down, because he saw I was wearing a diaper. He made a huge deal of it. He made me take my pants off and walk into the kitchen where my mom and brothers were in just a diaper. I was standing there in just a diaper a very wet diaper trying to explain why I was wearing a diaper. My mom felt sorry for me and told my stepdad to ease up and for my stepbrothers to quit laughing at me. I was humiliated and crying. My crying just fueled my stepdad. He started calling me a crybaby and diaper baby. My mom had me sit on her lap and tell her why I was wearing the diaper. I was totally honest with her I told her I wanted to wear them. I told her they make me feel secure and safe. I told her it was nice not worring about a wet bed. she asked where I got them and I told her they were the ones in my bathroom closet. Hearing this my jerk stepdad started calling me diapo and this nickname stuck. He said that if I liked diapers so much I should have to wear one to school. My mother put her foot down at that point and told my stepdad and brothers to shut up and leave me alone. Needless to say within 30 minutes every kid on my street knew this story and started calling me diapo. This went on for a few days and I was just so embarrassed I wanted to run away. I was to my breaking point when Robbie Honeycut came over to me and started making fun of me calling me diapo. The third time this came out of his mouth I reached back and punched him square in the mouth as hard as I could. Then I just kept hitting him in the face over and over. Robbie was older and bigger than me, and I had just busted him up. I got in big trouble for fighting, but I never really got teased after that.
Well my mom threw away my diaper stash, so I had no access to diapers. I would lay in bed at night remembering how comforting the diapers were, and I would yearn to be back in diapers. From ages six to ten I really had no way of getting diapers. They were out of my life, but never far from my mind. During these years my stepdad became incressingly more abusive. He would hit me with this big wooden paddle and leave bruises on my back and legs. He also said that I had germs and he would only let me talk on one phone in the house. This was a very hard and tramatic time for me. I was full of anger and started acting out at school getting in trouble, which would just make things worse on me at home. The physical and emotional abuse got so bad at this time I was at my breaking point. I would sleep with my baseball bat and try to get up enough courage to go in his room when he was asleep and beat him to death. My mother was going through much of the same abuse. It was at this time she decided to leave my stepdad. This was the greatest news I had ever heard. We moved out with him not even knowing. He gave my mom lots of shit for a few months, but finally the divorce was final and that asshole was out of our lives for good.
We moved into a little townhouse just about a block away from my mothers best friend Linda. Linda was single too and was raising 3 kids. Two boys about my age and 1 girl Jessica about 2 years old. I was always at their house, and it didn't take me long to find the diapers. I started stealing diapers from their house and taking them home. The Diapers wouldn't fit me I was around 11 years old. I figured out a way to shove 2 diapers into my underware and make it work. It wasn't perfect, but at least it was something. It was also at this age I started wetting my pants on purpose. Usually I would go into my shower with my jeans on and wet my pants. I would hide them until they dried and do it again. This also became a release for me when I was upset. It was almost like I could release anger and pain and heartache by wetting my pants. I got pretty bold with this and would just wet myself where ever I was in the house at the time. My mom caught me a few times, but didn't say much. I was still wetting the bed too and that wasn't talked about much either. As I got older my desire for diapers got stronger. I would fantisize about being put in a diaper and changed when I needed. I wanted to be held and cuddled and loved. The summer I was fourteen changed my diaper adventures for ever. A pharmacy opened up just a few blocks from my home. My mom would have me ride my bike up there from time to time to get her things or id get myself a snack. One day I was walking across the store and my world was opened to adult diapers. Depends they were blue, and I couldn't get them out of my mind. It took me about a week to get the courage up to go buy them. I rode my bike to the store and just sat out front for what seemed like an hour. I was so scared! I finally got the nerve walked straight to the depends and took them to the counter. The lady behind the counter was older and very nice. She smiled at me like she knew I was embarrassed to say relax its no big deal. I paid her she put hem in a bag and I rode home FAST!! When I got home I went straight to my room and opened the package. It was intoxicating! The feel, the sound, the smell had me in a trance. I took off my pants and underwear unfolded the diaper and put it on. It fit perfect and felt like a real diaper. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I just laid there in a diaper and shirt for close to an hour. I was so relaxed, and then I heard my mom garage door opening. I jumped up and put my pants on. I started walking into the kitchen to meet my mom and all I could hear was the crinkle of the diaper I was wearing. It was loud and I was afraid she would hear it. I sat on the barstool trying not to move while I talked to my mom. We talked for a few minutes and then she told me to get my homework done. I was scared to get up. When I did I heard a loud crinkling sound as I walked away. I assume she didn't hear. Nothing was ever said
I started wearing diapers every night to bed and some days when I could get away with it. I was buying new diapers about every 10 days or so. Everything had been going along smoothly. My mom knew nothing of me being back in diapers. That is until a horrible summer Wednesday. Im not sure why I remember it was Wednesday, but I do. I was out of school for summer break. My mom worked Monday thru Friday. This Wednesday I heard my mom leave about 8:30am. I stayed in bed about another hour and then got up. I was in a wet diaper from the night before, so I disposed of the wet diaper and put on a fresh dry diaper. I knew I was going to be home alone all day so I decided to spend it wearing a diaper. I was wearing a diaper and a t-shirt. I went into the living room to watch tv. I covered up with my favorite blanket to watch some of my favorite game shows. About an hour into my shows I felt the need to poop. I hadn't pooped my diaper very many times, because I didn't like cleanup. Today I just really didn't want to get up. I got on all fours and without much pushing at all I wet and messed my diaper. It smelled horrible, but after a few minutes I got use to it. I laid back down on the couch and dozed off. All of a sudden I woke up to my mom calling my name. I froze I didn't know what to do! Just as I sat up still covered by my blanket she turned the corner and sat down on the chair. She began to tell me she got off work early and would be home the rest of the day. About that time she made a sniffing noise with her nose and asked me what that aweful smell was. I told her I was sorry that I had just farted. She gave me a dirty look and kept talking to me. I just wanted her to stop talking and go to her room, so I could make my escape. Then she told me to go get dressed that she wanted me to run some errands with her. I had to walk right past her. I made sure my blanket was conceling my secret and the headed for my room. My diaper was loud, and I got about 2 steps by her and she said "STOP"! I froze! She said take off that blanket now! I tried to argue with her I told her all I had on was my underwear. She said she didn't care that she had seen me in my underwear a million times. She told me she wouldn't ask again and for me to remove the blanket. I was caught! I turned to face her and dropped the blanket. Standing in front of her was me her 14 year old son wearing nothing but a t-shirt and a diaper. Her jaw dropped. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. From the front it was obvious I was very wet. She said"I can see you are wet, and I know that horrible smell isn't just a fart." She told me to turn around. When I did she pulled the waistband on my diaper back and saw that not only was I wet, but I messed my diaper too. She was at a loss of words. I started to cry begging her to let me explain. She told me to get cleaned up and dressed and then we could talk. I was horrified my mother had just caught me in a very wet very messy diaper. I took a shower got dressed and threw my diaper in the dumpster out back. My mom was waiting for me when I came back in. I started to cry again, and she told me to not get upset. She said she wasn't mad at me she just wanted to understand. She held my hand and told me to tell her what was going on. I told her everything. I told her how long I have wanted to be back in diapers, I told her how safe and secure they make me feel, I told her how long I had been hiding all of this, and I told her I didn't understand why I needed diapers. I tried to explain to her how they are a need. I told her how they relieve anxiety and comfort me when Im down or not feeling well. She listened to everything. She told me she wanted us to go talk to a professional to try and get an understanding of why I needed this. I told her OK. We went to the counselor every week. After about the 3rd session she told my mother that this was something about me that wasn't going to change. He said as long as its balanced and done in privacy it was not harm full behavior. My mom was very understanding, but she had some ground rules 1.No wearing outside of the house 2.I had to buy them myself with my own money 3.no dirty diapers if she was around 4.she would not participate in any way. After that I didn't have to hide my diapers at home. My mom finding out actually made things easier for me. I wore diapers to bed everynight. If I wore them in the day and my mother was home she could always hear my diaper. Everytime I walked by her she would say here comes crinkle butt!
To BE Continued!!!