I need to vent, and Iím going to do it uncensored.
I will say things that I wonít believe I said, Iíll say things that make me sound like an asshole, Iíll even probably be despicable to some. But I canít play with this idea of ďYou can soldier onĒ, like I have for a while now anymore.
Iím not really that active on this site, I attribute that to me being to chickenshit to post anything because Iím afraid of what somebody on the other end of the computer might think. This isnít my main problem though, Iím starting to try and post more things on other websites Iím active on, and so hopefully I can get rid of my BS fear of being judged on the internet.
When I say Iím not active, I mean I donít post a lot or reply to anything, I do read through some post though, and Iím hoping some of you will understand what Iím upset about now. This is all going to be written without me really editing it, I will of course try to fix typoís, but the flow of this vent will be as I type.
Here it goes,
I hate my brother and sister, I also sometimes hate my dog, my mother, and my father. My mother and father though I find myself not always hating. The times I do find myself hating my father, itís because he can sometimes have a temper, not a terrible one, not an abusive one, but one that makes me question why anybody would freak out over something so trivial. The times I find myself hating my mother are the times when she confides in me as being her ďnormal childĒ.
Why am I the ďnormal childĒ? My brother and sister are currently taking depression meds, and my sister is also taking anxiety meds, and Iím not, even though sometimes I wish I was, but then I kill that idea and move on.
Why do I hate my brother, I hate him because I donít see how he thinks. He once told me that he tries to piss me and my family off to see the Ďrealí me while we were in a restraunt, I told him to fuck himself and go on with ordering our food. He also comes across as a contradiction. Heís taking a year off from college because of some meltdown he had the first semester, I havenít bothered to learn that much about it because I felt at the time that it was better I didnít understand why a man that went through a year of college all by himself with only one incident where he posted to Facebook that he had a shit year and a close brush with suicide, scaring the shit out of me and my family. He also constantly tries to place the blame for all the worlds problems on himself, bullshit like World Peace and Pollution, even though heís been constantly reminded that thereís no way in hell that those things are solely on him. He also doesnít want to be a bother, this constitutes him dodging and failing to respond to simple questions such as, ďDo you want this box of muffinsĒ with stuttered umís and ďI donít want to be a botherĒ EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE SIMPLY YES OR NO QUESTIONS. Also, even though he doesnít want to be a bother, he has no problem spending my parents money, and he has no problem with not knowing how to drive and having to rely on me or my parents for rides to the movies or therapy. Last summer we tried to teach him how to drive, but I personally gave up when he once told me after he drove the both of us to one of his appointments that he had to resist the temptation to drive straight into a tree, neglecting that he wasnít the only one in the vehicle, and that it wasnít his car. My brother wants every problem in the world to be his fault, and needs to constantly bother everybody that he doesnít want to be a bother.
Why do I hate my sister, because she wants everyone to hate her, and sheíll make someone out as someone who hates her if they donít do something for her; on top of that, I think she has a false sense of entitlement. She will regularly neglect to take her medication and always acknowledges that, leaving someone to get her pills for her. She also will make you out to be uncaring, she once texted me while she was in school to bring her out of school food as a ďgood brotherĒ while I was at college.; I responded back that I was busy and that we could go out for food that weekend, she replied by saying that I could of done something to try and make her shitty day less shitty. She also did this once while she was having a bad day at school and had a bunch of make-up test, she texted me to bail her out of class, I told her I couldnít, she came home crying saying I didnít care, that she hated me, and that she could have been dead while she was crying in the bathroom when I didnít immediately come up to question her why she told me she hated me. Also, like my brother, she has no problem with spending my parents money, and she has bad grades because she doesnít do her homework or study for her classes; she claims its because itís to stressful and hard, and even after being offered by my parents to see if thereís a way to switch to different classes, she rejects it. My sister wants me to hate her because I donít do her bidding, and she doesnít seem to be bothered with trying to improve anything.
My brother and sister have also said multiple times that they wanted to kill themselves, theyíre not alone. Throughout high school and half my first year of college, I had some of those thoughts; I went through a period where I was convinced I had depression during high school, I even once had a knife to my wrist and thought long and hard if I could go through with it. I kicked those thoughts to the curb, I stopped always focusing on why everything sucks and started to start looking forward instead of backwards.
I still look back though sometimes, and I see all the times I wanted to cry out for help and scream that there was something wrong with me, I wanted to stand on top of my school roof and jump off, I wanted to drive to the worst part of town and score something hardcore to find a way to mask those thoughts.
I didnít though, I kept it in, I pushed myself though almost everything, and I still find myself sitting here typing on my keyboard as to why I hate most of my family.
When I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up again, I kept it to myself, when my best friend lost his own father as a teenager about to go into college, I was the shoulder for him to cry on and was always there for him whenever he needed help. When I was sitting in my dorm room on a Friday night for the 10th time with no friends to hang out with or no girlfriend to confide in, I wanted to scream and cry at the fact that I was lonely, but I didnít, no matter how much I wanted to.
When my mother walked into my room crying that she felt that she wasnít a good enough mother because of how my brother and sister ended up, I nearly cried. I nearly cried because the woman that brought me into this world and helped give me opportunities that most children would kill for felt she hadnít done enough. And I almost cried because I realized I was the ďnormal childĒ.
As I finish this rant, or confession, or whatever the hell this is, I still donít know why I hate my brother and sister. I hate myself, Iím disgusting for hating my own blood, I hate that I am looking forward to getting away from them, I hate it. I know I have some feelings deep within me for them, but I try to ignore those because there might be day where I have to help bury them. I also hate them because they have all the opportunities I use to wish they had, and instead of improving with this help, they seem to be fine at staying where they currently are.
Then of course, this ďnormal childĒ is and ABDL that wishes to fly away to a place where he can forget what it means to be a young adult, and reconcile with himself to be young at heart, but canít until he has his own job and place where he can pursue this more.
I hate myself for saying all of this, I hate that I hate most of my family, but Iím just tired of never acknowledging this to anyone but myself, because I rather keep my business to myself.
Feel free to hate me, I most likely deserve it, I just got a lot off my chest with people I should associate with but donít. I just typed everything Iíve been keeping inside for a while to share with strangers.
What the fuck am I doing, I really hate this, but I somehow feel as though I canít keep this to myself anymore.