Hi. I'm posting this in hopes of getting some opinions or advice about whether or not this is a good idea or well-executed. It's a letter to my girlfriend divulging the last few of my secrets that I keep from her. I chose this forum because it involves gender issues.
I've been with her ten months and I write her letters when I have to explain myself deeply. I have Asperger's and have an extremely hard time vocalizing my feelings. I often physically can't get the words out.
If some of the vernacular inadvertently causes some sort of offense, I apologise, I wrote it in terms that I thought she would understand as someone who is entirely unfamiliar with it all.
This is it:
"I first want to say how thankful I am for how supportive you've been of me and how lucky I feel to have someone as loving and lovely as you in my life. I never would have imagined there would be anyone I could trust so deeply with the secrets of my life, and I love you more and more as time goes on and we grow closer.
The reason I'm writing this is because I still have a bit left to tell you. I didn't know whether I'd ever tell you, and I thought that telling you would only cause damage to me, to how you see me, and to our relationship. But after experiencing how non-judgemental and accepting you've been, I think now that I might be able to tell you the rest. And I think I should, and that it's only right and fair that you know these things and that I have no secrets from you. I'm still scared that it will negatively affect the way you see me, and I can only hope that you will be as accepting as you were before and not let it. I'm telling you in the hope that it will bring us closer together and allow you to know me better. Please remember that the things I'm telling you about me are some of the things that make me the person that you love, just in ways you might not have noticed.
I've already told you the biggest secret of my life: that I wet the bed and wear diapers to manage my bedwetting. What I haven't told you is that along with the comfort and security that they bring me, I also get a certain amount of satisfaction and gratification. It's not just about keeping my bed dry. I pretty much grew up wearing diapers at night, and my sexuality developed alongside them. Some would call it a fetish, but to me that seems rather an intense word and for me it's not entirely sexual. I should make clear now that I'm not into the "adult baby" stuff, although I'm not against a little mild infantilism. If you were to google these things be warned you'd find a lot of weird and gross stuff I'm not into. There are lots of people who have similar feelings to varying degrees of intensity, and they gather on the internet. I don't participate in their forums, but I have visited them. That's part of the reason I don't like anyone on my computer.
Another part of the reason is that I've had gender issues. Put bluntly, if I had known how to use the internet as an effective research tool when I was a child, I would be living as a woman right now. Don't worry, I'm not going to have a sex change. Not until full-body transplants are a viable thing and we can grow blank bodies with stem cells (and that may never happen). There was a time when I was seriously planning on transitioning, but I have too much in my life that I would have to give up and I have decided entirely against it. Besides, being with you makes the dysphoria go away. I'm not gay, either, so don't worry about that. I'd actually categorise myself as a lesbian. I'm pretty sure this is where some of my sexual difficulties come from. I don't always readily enjoy my penis and it takes some effort for me to use it normally. A lot of the time I have to imagine it's a vagina and that can be quite difficult. I've also experimented on my own with anal sex, which I believe is a fetish of mine because of these gender issues.
At this point I feel compelled to remind you that these things are parts of my personality and contribute to making me the person I am and the person you love.
The last secret is that I have an inguinal hernia. I haven't told you simply out of embarrassment, although a few times I could have sworn you'd noticed. It's not urgent, but it does make a lump in my scrotum that can become uncomfortable at times. I then have to press it back in with my hand to relieve the discomfort, which you've seen before and asked me about. I just brushed it off. I'm going to get it repaired soon.
There. No more secrets. Please don't be too shocked. You can ask me anything you like about any of these things, and I'll do my best to answer you. I don't require you to do anything about any of this, I'd be fine with just going on how we are. I just felt you should know these things because they are a part of my life and I love you."
Did I do this right? Do you think it's too blunt or too gentle? Should I have said something I didn't or vice versa?
Thank you for any response.