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Thread: Coming out to gf. Opinions/advice?

  1. #1

    Default Coming out to gf. Opinions/advice?

    Hi. I'm posting this in hopes of getting some opinions or advice about whether or not this is a good idea or well-executed. It's a letter to my girlfriend divulging the last few of my secrets that I keep from her. I chose this forum because it involves gender issues.

    I've been with her ten months and I write her letters when I have to explain myself deeply. I have Asperger's and have an extremely hard time vocalizing my feelings. I often physically can't get the words out.

    If some of the vernacular inadvertently causes some sort of offense, I apologise, I wrote it in terms that I thought she would understand as someone who is entirely unfamiliar with it all.

    This is it:

    "I first want to say how thankful I am for how supportive you've been of me and how lucky I feel to have someone as loving and lovely as you in my life. I never would have imagined there would be anyone I could trust so deeply with the secrets of my life, and I love you more and more as time goes on and we grow closer.

    The reason I'm writing this is because I still have a bit left to tell you. I didn't know whether I'd ever tell you, and I thought that telling you would only cause damage to me, to how you see me, and to our relationship. But after experiencing how non-judgemental and accepting you've been, I think now that I might be able to tell you the rest. And I think I should, and that it's only right and fair that you know these things and that I have no secrets from you. I'm still scared that it will negatively affect the way you see me, and I can only hope that you will be as accepting as you were before and not let it. I'm telling you in the hope that it will bring us closer together and allow you to know me better. Please remember that the things I'm telling you about me are some of the things that make me the person that you love, just in ways you might not have noticed.

    I've already told you the biggest secret of my life: that I wet the bed and wear diapers to manage my bedwetting. What I haven't told you is that along with the comfort and security that they bring me, I also get a certain amount of satisfaction and gratification. It's not just about keeping my bed dry. I pretty much grew up wearing diapers at night, and my sexuality developed alongside them. Some would call it a fetish, but to me that seems rather an intense word and for me it's not entirely sexual. I should make clear now that I'm not into the "adult baby" stuff, although I'm not against a little mild infantilism. If you were to google these things be warned you'd find a lot of weird and gross stuff I'm not into. There are lots of people who have similar feelings to varying degrees of intensity, and they gather on the internet. I don't participate in their forums, but I have visited them. That's part of the reason I don't like anyone on my computer.

    Another part of the reason is that I've had gender issues. Put bluntly, if I had known how to use the internet as an effective research tool when I was a child, I would be living as a woman right now. Don't worry, I'm not going to have a sex change. Not until full-body transplants are a viable thing and we can grow blank bodies with stem cells (and that may never happen). There was a time when I was seriously planning on transitioning, but I have too much in my life that I would have to give up and I have decided entirely against it. Besides, being with you makes the dysphoria go away. I'm not gay, either, so don't worry about that. I'd actually categorise myself as a lesbian. I'm pretty sure this is where some of my sexual difficulties come from. I don't always readily enjoy my penis and it takes some effort for me to use it normally. A lot of the time I have to imagine it's a vagina and that can be quite difficult. I've also experimented on my own with anal sex, which I believe is a fetish of mine because of these gender issues.

    At this point I feel compelled to remind you that these things are parts of my personality and contribute to making me the person I am and the person you love.

    The last secret is that I have an inguinal hernia. I haven't told you simply out of embarrassment, although a few times I could have sworn you'd noticed. It's not urgent, but it does make a lump in my scrotum that can become uncomfortable at times. I then have to press it back in with my hand to relieve the discomfort, which you've seen before and asked me about. I just brushed it off. I'm going to get it repaired soon.

    There. No more secrets. Please don't be too shocked. You can ask me anything you like about any of these things, and I'll do my best to answer you. I don't require you to do anything about any of this, I'd be fine with just going on how we are. I just felt you should know these things because they are a part of my life and I love you."

    Did I do this right? Do you think it's too blunt or too gentle? Should I have said something I didn't or vice versa?

    Thank you for any response.

  2. #2

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by zokobo View Post
    Hi. I'm posting this in hopes of getting some opinions or advice about whether or not this is a good idea or well-executed. It's a letter to my girlfriend divulging the last few of my secrets that I keep from her. I chose this forum because it involves gender issues.

    I've been with her ten months and I write her letters when I have to explain myself deeply. I have Asperger's and have an extremely hard time vocalizing my feelings. I often physically can't get the words out.

    If some of the vernacular inadvertently causes some sort of offense, I apologise, I wrote it in terms that I thought she would understand as someone who is entirely unfamiliar with it all.

    This is it:

    "I first want to say how thankful I am for how supportive you've been of me and how lucky I feel to have someone as loving and lovely as you in my life. I never would have imagined there would be anyone I could trust so deeply with the secrets of my life, and I love you more and more as time goes on and we grow closer.

    The reason I'm writing this is because I still have a bit left to tell you. I didn't know whether I'd ever tell you, and I thought that telling you would only cause damage to me, to how you see me, and to our relationship. But after experiencing how non-judgemental and accepting you've been, I think now that I might be able to tell you the rest. And I think I should, and that it's only right and fair that you know these things and that I have no secrets from you. I'm still scared that it will negatively affect the way you see me, and I can only hope that you will be as accepting as you were before and not let it. I'm telling you in the hope that it will bring us closer together and allow you to know me better. Please remember that the things I'm telling you about me are some of the things that make me the person that you love, just in ways you might not have noticed.

    I've already told you the biggest secret of my life: that I wet the bed and wear diapers to manage my bedwetting. What I haven't told you is that along with the comfort and security that they bring me, I also get a certain amount of satisfaction and gratification. It's not just about keeping my bed dry. I pretty much grew up wearing diapers at night, and my sexuality developed alongside them. Some would call it a fetish, but to me that seems rather an intense word and for me it's not entirely sexual. I should make clear now that I'm not into the "adult baby" stuff, although I'm not against a little mild infantilism. If you were to google these things be warned you'd find a lot of weird and gross stuff I'm not into. There are lots of people who have similar feelings to varying degrees of intensity, and they gather on the internet. I don't participate in their forums, but I have visited them. That's part of the reason I don't like anyone on my computer.

    Another part of the reason is that I've had gender issues. Put bluntly, if I had known how to use the internet as an effective research tool when I was a child, I would be living as a woman right now. Don't worry, I'm not going to have a sex change. Not until full-body transplants are a viable thing and we can grow blank bodies with stem cells (and that may never happen). There was a time when I was seriously planning on transitioning, but I have too much in my life that I would have to give up and I have decided entirely against it. Besides, being with you makes the dysphoria go away. I'm not gay, either, so don't worry about that. I'd actually categorise myself as a lesbian. I'm pretty sure this is where some of my sexual difficulties come from. I don't always readily enjoy my penis and it takes some effort for me to use it normally. A lot of the time I have to imagine it's a vagina and that can be quite difficult. I've also experimented on my own with anal sex, which I believe is a fetish of mine because of these gender issues.

    At this point I feel compelled to remind you that these things are parts of my personality and contribute to making me the person I am and the person you love.

    The last secret is that I have an inguinal hernia. I haven't told you simply out of embarrassment, although a few times I could have sworn you'd noticed. It's not urgent, but it does make a lump in my scrotum that can become uncomfortable at times. I then have to press it back in with my hand to relieve the discomfort, which you've seen before and asked me about. I just brushed it off. I'm going to get it repaired soon.

    There. No more secrets. Please don't be too shocked. You can ask me anything you like about any of these things, and I'll do my best to answer you. I don't require you to do anything about any of this, I'd be fine with just going on how we are. I just felt you should know these things because they are a part of my life and I love you."

    Did I do this right? Do you think it's too blunt or too gentle? Should I have said something I didn't or vice versa?

    Thank you for any response.
    First of all, this appears to be your first post on ADISC, so welcome! Questions like yours are very common here and it's what the ADISC community is all about.

    Second, I and others may have some questions to go along with and clarify our advice. Is your relationship still platonic? Some of the information you are telling her is very sexual in nature and could be a big shock to her. You have been together ten months and you are the ultimate judge in deciding what to tell her. We say on here honesty is the best policy over and over again. This is a huge step in your relationship. Is she comfortable with you wearing diapers? Has she slept with you in the same bed (sexual or not) while you were wearing? (Don't answer any questions you don't want to). Even though you may not use a paci, some people still associate diapers with being an AB and find it disconcerting that their mate may not be as manly as they envision. It's a sign of weakness to many.

    There are several transvestites here in various stated of transition, so I will leave that part of your letter for them to comment on. That is a big subject in your letter, too.

    Yes, you did a good letter. If she understands your Asperger's then she can accept the use of a letter to tell her. I write better than I speak, so communication with my wife is sometimes written. Usually it's oral. I would emphasize how much you love her in your letter and when you talk about it later. I assume that when you write her she follows up with verbal clarification? Don't be surprised if this is too much information for her. She may distance herself from you while she absorbs all this information. As your relationship continues to grow make sure she knows how much you love her and say it over and over. Love is a verb, too, and you need to show her with little things like making her dinner, getting her coffee and even the proverbial flowers and candy.

    Lastly, the hernia shouldn't be a major point for her to deal with but it is important for you to get it taken care of.

    Best wishes for your relationship and please, please keep us informed as to what happens.

  3. #3

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    A lot of us here have seen both sides of the coin, good and bad from telling out people, or they just find out. It always comes down to what you want her to know. And seems like a really thought it out. But I would change the part when you start taking about abdl. Maybe shorten it up, says you have lite/mild infantilism. And add a link to understanding.infantilism.org

    It's a clean web site with good info. And would be better she read into there rather than Google. Also let her know she can ask you more about it. Because it does very so much in each person.

  4. #4

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    Zokobo


    Whilst personally I would never choose the written word as a medium to transport such a message to my girlfriend as it would deprive me of the instant ability to act and reply in case something would be seriously misunderstood - and the potential is there, as you present her in a small package a lot of probably hard to digest information.
    Now I can "understand" (ok, sorry - that is a bad choice of wording on my part, as I don't have Asperger's and don't have much experience with it either) why due to the Aspereger's you'd choose to do this in form of writing. Also I guess, as you have mentioned - you have done so in the past and judging from the fact that she still is your girl friend, it was well received.

    Aside from this, you are the best judge on your situation, on how she possibly could react - if it's too much or perfectly ok to drop that on her.
    None here - myself well included - can ultimately tell you how it will go down, that is entirely for you to find out.

    Now to the actual questions of yours:

    I have to hold your eloquence in writing in good favor of the document - that much is truly positive and it's easy to read, not lengthy and drawn out.
    It also sound like something personal, rather than something "off the rack" - that also is quite positive.

    Now there are a few aspects I'd say that are not really "Optimal" to put it mildly.

    You choice for an opening paragraph / segment is amongst the sub-optimal parts in my opinion.
    Why? well it distorts the actual context out of it's possible proportions - you come over as if you would be about to drop the bomb on her, like what you're about to divulge is vile and evil and VERY VERY WEIRD.
    I'd be worried if I'd read an opener that reads like a warning - it would make me expect something bad. And I do believe that this is not the feeling you want to load on her from the beginning. That opener leaves her walking on the edge

    Then there's what you say...
    If you can not associate with AB stuff (like myself I can't either - it's not my world) - why bring it up at all with such a prominence. I think if she has a question regarding your revelation of deriving more than simple comfort from the object (diapers) then it will be part of the discussion.
    but with bringing the forums, the "bad people", ab stuff etc up, you basically push her to look it up in such a manner (you know how the saying goes about what killed the cat - curiosity did).

    Then comes the gender part... Ok, maybe I have a harder time with it because I really can't relate - and this I don't write as an offense, but as a plain explanation for why I might not really understand the entire issue.
    And mind you, I don't know you, don't know your girlfriend, I don't know much about your background - I can only base my input on what I can read and safely assume.
    But here's the issue with that part of your letter....
    First you reveal the diapers - depending on how "fetish-friendly" your girlfriend is - how experienced / open minded - she will either take this lightly or very hard. Mind you for 10 month she was led to believe that those diapers serve a single practical purpose: to deal with a nasty problem (bed wetting) in the most practical fashion... now you tell her that you have a liking (sexual) for the diapers... some people can feel "betrayed", misguided, etc by such a revelation. Others will take it in stride. But no matter, it's a lot of information to process already...
    But no - you keep going - you drive the train of revelations...
    However, as you write yourself, the gender aspect has no implications on her, it is something you have concluded for yourself to not pursue any further.
    You don't seek sex-transition or any other related aspect. So why bring it up? Is it necessary to load that into the same letter?
    Is it information you need her to know at the moment?
    I wold wonder if my GF would reveal this to me, but at the same time say: "no, but don't worry... I'm not doing this anymore".
    I would indeed wonder and worry if she'd really be through with it or if it will pop up on the horizon again.
    Also I would have a ton of questions - which effectually are completely irrelevant, if indeed it is something you don't want anymore.
    So why cause confusion and probably a weird situation if there is nothing to be gained from but the confusion?
    Being open is good - but there's always the "greater good" to consider.

    Now to the last part - your medical issue with that hernia.
    Depending on her medical literacy level she might not have a clue what an inguinal hernia actually is - and it could thus freak her out.
    This, especially as it's nothing serious (and easily (surgically) taken care of - which is something you say you want to do soon anyhow) is something I would indeed tell her - but not after revealing to her that you are a diaper lover to some extend and maybe divulge the part about your gender issues in it along.
    Tell her that personally - not in a letter... it's nothing to be embarrassed about, it's very common and easily treated and no big deal at any rate.


    take it for what it's worth: my opinion

  5. #5

    Default

    hello Mr. zokobo;
    and welcome to ADISC......

    unlike most, i will only make comment on the gender-part of your post. this is because there are way better qualified persons who i am sure are more than willing to help you with everything else (i am not here for the diapers as i don't like them).
    and as too the gender part;
    i do have a good bit of experience, both "in the life", and in helping others to understand the life.
    and i have heard many of my fellow sisters tell of vary similar feelings to that which you tell here....

    i understand your wanting to unburden your soul of all this to your girl friend. it can be a freeing experience, and alleviate much guilt at the same time. we all want compassion, we all want sympathy and understanding. we need it.

    as a post-op transexual myself, i can assure you.... gender dysphoria never goes away regardless of how hard we want it to. or how many girl friends/relationships we go through in an effort to run from it. no matter what rationality we find to avoid facing our gender-incongruity, it's still there hiding deep within our minds-eye just waiting to reveal it's self in some new and subtle way....

    ultimately, that's why we often times end up changing our lifestyles to conform to the incongruity of our gender. we can't make it behave no matter how hard or how long we try. some of us go so far as changing our bodies in order that this incongruity can be made to disappear and we can find some inner peace.....

    my point in explaining all of this is a simply warning, one i have given many times before.
    a warning that was given to me many decades ago.... and that i ignored at first.
    we all must live and learn for ourselves what we can and can't do. in some cultures, gender is less rigid and thus easier to express in a rainbow of colors without ridicule. other cultures, not so much because of their binary nature.

    no matter what your girl friend understands of your gender in your letter, inevitable change may still be on the winds for you.....

    good luck;
    lodge wrecker....

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