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Thread: I lead someone on..

  1. #1

    Default I lead someone on..

    Last summer I wasn't me in a lot of ways. I was almost always aroused for no obvious reason (beyond my youth), I began taking risks in doings things online for sexual gratification with people I did not know, and I was desperate for attention. All 3 things in unison made for a lot of later regrets that I definitely understand now.

    Once August came around I was me again. Shy, independent, nerdy, and private. That's when I began cutting ties with everyone I had "played with" since they never really cared about me as a person.

    Anyway, I kept 2 people as friends. Which isn't going so well..since we started as friends with benefits (online).

    The first is R. He's a great storyteller and I'm honestly attracted to him physically. But when push comes to shove we have nothing in common and because of that he's actually pretty boring to talk to. He keeps trying to talk to me, but I know that he's going to end up flirting with me and try to get me to play again. Which I haven't done with him since October (because again I'm attracted to him physically). But since I'm not running on arousal and I'm just not attracted to him mentally, I'm not interested in playing with him anymore. I'd like to be his friend...but he doesn't really try keeping a conversation going. Which doesn't earn him any brownie points.

    At this point I'm ignoring R, despite him trying to message me on Steam. And it's becoming frustrating...should I confront him or just let him go? I'm unsure what to do.

    The second is J, the one I lead on. We met in April (before the summer fit) and we had really great conversations. We still do. I started being frisky with him online, and that started friends with benefits relationship to start between us. He had feelings for me (and I knew almost the entire time), so I lead him on to get what I want. I feel horrible about that now, but then I just wasn't thinking about others. Anyway, August came around and I told him that I just wanted to be friends. I apologized for everything, and we remained friends. But the damage has already been done. I had already screwed it up, and that's not fair to him. So he still kinda flirts with me which makes me uncomfortable, and although he understands I want to be friends...I think he has this hope that we could be more.

    But I'm just not interested, and I have no idea what to do. So should I just break ties with him?

    I understand everything I did was my fault, no one put a gun to my head in any of this. I lacked so much self control and respect for myself in those few months that I let myself do horrible things for the sake of physical satisfaction. And I'm not proud of myself for any of it. I'm just unsure what I should do since both parties don't seem to understand that I just want to be friends. No benefits, no romantic relationship, nothing.

    I'm so confused and in need of help.

  2. #2
    CuddlyAngel

    Default

    To be honest I think you should stop talking to both of them because you have no interest in them it seems so why keep them in your life? In case you haven't noticed I'm not liked by many on this forum and thats fine. I've made it clear that in general I don't like people. I would never wish anyone harm and I do obey all laws however I made it clear I'm not here to make friends and I speak my mind with no care on who I offend. I've been called fake because I didn't introduce myself just jumped in told people what I thought and boom I was judged and thats fine by me. I told people I am not an ABDL and was only a supporter of the lifestyle that wears diapers because I believe they are a cleaner alternative to reusing washed underwear. Some of the responses to that made me laugh. I'm OCD people said with a phobia and thats not the case at all. Like everyone else I wear for my own reason. I'm also asexual with no interest in romance, marriage, or having children. I don't watch news, I'm not interested in politics, and want to move to England one day because I'm not happy where I was born but I'm doing it right with a passport, visa, then citizenship one day hopefully. Do I care that any of that offends anyone? No and generally I laugh when it does offend someone thats to everyone not just to those here. I'm more comfortable reading books, socialize only with my family and have even alienated some in my family for my opinions and again don't care. I've told off my elders before as well as landlords not caring if I don't have a roof. My point to all this is although people don't like things about me at least I'm honest and don't say I'm one way but act the other. I suggest you do the same and be honest with these people also. I've even been asked do you want to die alone at a ripe old age? I said yes. I will never conform to another persons expectations of me. My opinion is all that matters and I am happy how I live and people know that and that is what makes me highly disliked but honest.

  3. #3

    Default

    First of all, don't judge yourself please. Stuff like this happens, we're humans after all and nobody is perfect.

    Mistakes happen, especially if you feel like... that you're only following temporarily desires or if you don't know what to do anyway and are in a kind of doing things since they happen by chance. Still this ain't wrong, it's the result which counts. So do we learn from our mistakes or did we not. Since you're kinda uncomfortable about the whole situation and also not sure if you'd hurt those people probably, I guess you did learn something out of it ;-). That matters.

    But yeah... I can relate. I guess that I'm having a knack for being unclear about friendships, or it's just bad luck that people usually want more. Well, there's a period in most opposite sex friendships when you question whether or not you should be together.

    Still, what to say? Communication is the key simply, as in every "relationship", so also plain boring friendships. Usually, presumptions lead to misunderstanders or other problems down the line until the friendship breaks.
    Address that you only want to be friends, that you feel uncomfortable about different things, especially flirting. Both of you must want a strictly platonic friendship and understand that's all it will ever be. No matter what anyone says, it is possible to be just friends as long as you have this kind of understanding. Perhaps someone might disagree, but there's nothing you can do about it, except to let it go.

    Too, if If your friend is attracted to you as more than a friend and can't seem to put this attraction aside, despite the fact that you made clear it's just a friendship. In this case it's probably best to take the friendship down a notch. Just keep the contact casual, conversations short, and so on.

    On a side note, especially if you're in a relationship with someone else and someone might still pursue this goal of being together with you, talks trash about your or his/her SO... then perhaps the friendship isn't worth keeping, and this person should just be more of a friendly acquaintance or have no place in your life at all, as harsh as it sounds.


    Be brave!
    Last edited by daLira; 01-Jan-2014 at 20:21. Reason: changed confusing sentences~

  4. #4

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by CuddlyAngel View Post
    To be honest I think you should stop talking to both of them because you have no interest in them it seems so why keep them in your life? In case you haven't noticed I'm not liked by many on this forum and thats fine. I've made it clear that in general I don't like people. I would never wish anyone harm and I do obey all laws however I made it clear I'm not here to make friends and I speak my mind with no care on who I offend. I've been called fake because I didn't introduce myself just jumped in told people what I thought and boom I was judged and thats fine by me. I told people I am not an ABDL and was only a supporter of the lifestyle that wears diapers because I believe they are a cleaner alternative to reusing washed underwear. Some of the responses to that made me laugh. I'm OCD people said with a phobia and thats not the case at all. Like everyone else I wear for my own reason. I'm also asexual with no interest in romance, marriage, or having children. I don't watch news, I'm not interested in politics, and want to move to England one day because I'm not happy where I was born but I'm doing it right with a passport, visa, then citizenship one day hopefully. Do I care that any of that offends anyone? No and generally I laugh when it does offend someone thats to everyone not just to those here. I'm more comfortable reading books, socialize only with my family and have even alienated some in my family for my opinions and again don't care. I've told off my elders before as well as landlords not caring if I don't have a roof. My point to all this is although people don't like things about me at least I'm honest and don't say I'm one way but act the other. I suggest you do the same and be honest with these people also. I've even been asked do you want to die alone at a ripe old age? I said yes. I will never conform to another persons expectations of me. My opinion is all that matters and I am happy how I live and people know that and that is what makes me highly disliked but honest.
    Um, the op didn't ask anything about why you like diapers, where you want to move to, or your sexual orientation. Try to actually write a response instead of copying and pasting your blog entry.

  5. #5

    Default

    Well said daLira!

    Its important to have boundaries in your relationships, and that both parties are aware of these boundaries. Whether it is just friends or just physical there are plenty of polite ways to let the other person know where the relationship is going :-)

    And to reiterate what daLira said, mistakes happen, don't beat yourself up about it! Learn from this experience for the next new relationship!

  6. #6

    Default

    I agree with DaLira.

    Communication is the first step. Be truthful and clear that even though feelings were shared the intention is friendship PERIOD.

    If R and J can not oblige this request/boundary then it is time to say good by and cut all lines of communication.

    In my case One of my best friends is an old girlfriend and It did take me a time to realize that we are just friends. But when I accepted that she turned out to be the best help I have had in difficult times and vise-versa. My wife knows about her and I do not hide that I talk to here. We have been married long enough now I do not think them sharing stories would be that embarrassing anymore. I just know I would be the butt of all the jokes at that time.

    Be strong.

  7. #7
    CuddlyAngel

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by KimbaStarshine View Post
    Um, the op didn't ask anything about why you like diapers, where you want to move to, or your sexual orientation. Try to actually write a response instead of copying and pasting your blog entry.

    Actually I wrote this post first. They got the information anyhow through my own personal example.

  8. #8

    Default

    I agree as well with the above responders. I suspect that most of us have had false illusions to intentions, been dropped as friends, rejected, etc. We've probably also done it to others. When I was in college, I had an almost four year relationship with the same guy, someone I still love. But when we graduated, he got drafted and I didn't. He went to Alaska, of all places, and I went to Ohio, where I met the woman who became my wife. For years he and I only contacted each other on our birthdays. We've renewed our friendship in the last several years, and life goes on.

    I'm relating this, because our relationship was a real, in person relationship; something that we both had a lot invested in. I think we had sex every night, for three of the four years. My sophomore year we were separated and I suffered greatly. Still, after graduation, I had to move on and start a life which I felt was more fulfilling to me. Sometimes we have to do things which hurt others. I'm sure I did hurt him, and for that I will always have remorse. At the same time, I wanted to become a father and have a family.

    In your case, I'm assuming this has only been an online relationship? I know I'm from an older generation, but my opinion is that online relationships don't hold the same weight as one on one, especially if one is physically on top of the other....sigh. So, like others, I think you should be honest with both, and if they don't meet your expectations, end the relationship.

  9. #9

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    I know the feeling with being dropped all too well. It has happened to me a lot over the years I have been online and sometimes I think it is mostly my fault because I have a hard time socially and I also have issues with being needy when I am in a little mindset. I have had situations recently as well with a friend of mine who is in the AB community and all she wanted was RP and I just was not in the mood to be parental and I think that led to a change in our entire friendship.

    I think I made a post about that a few months back when the whole thing went down. She and I had scheduled a night for RP but I had to cancel because I had an early doctor's appointment that was rescheduled and boy did she hit the FAN! I couldn't stay up all night that night waiting for her- needed sleep.

    I have had in the past year another issue with a long-time friend I met in '04 online and she suddenly stopped talking to me, e-mailing me and or whatever on Yahoo- I've no idea what happened and all I know is that I enjoyed our talks and friendship but I assumed she just needed to work things out for herself and go from there.

    Over the years I've met lots of new people and made friends in the community and sometimes it works out and sometimes it just plain does not. The thing to do is do what I've been doing since this past summer; focus on what I want in my life and focus on my feelings and how to talk to people about them. That's what I've been trying to do since at least summer. I find that it does help when one listens to oneself and one thinks about what they need to do improve themselves.

    I too, have been through what you are going through Strawberry Raven and I have cut ties as well. One has to think about what one wants in life and one has to think about what kind of people they want in their lives and make the right choices of who we want to have in our lives.

    WildThing121675

  10. #10

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    Sounds like the first guy, R, is clearly only open to one type of relationship -- the type you are no longer interested in. So from what you're saying, I don't quite see a purpose to maintaining contact with him... You could say to him, "Hey, if you don't want to try and interact with me in a non-sexual way, I don't see a reason for us to hang out anymore; I've made my stance quite clear." Then he can either get the point and start acting like a whole person (and being interesting), or you can part ways. Clarity!

    The second one, J, sounds like an established friend who is having trouble shifting back into "platonic" mode. It's understandable since he already had romantic feelings for you. For him, at least to his brain on some deep-down level, you're his partner. Whether or not he can get control of that and act appropriately, respecting your wishes for a non-sexual relationship, is up to him. But I would also strongly suggest making it clear to him that that's over between you, because he may not be getting the message.

    Which brings me to my actual point -- is it over? What exactly happened to you? It sounds almost like a manic period of time. Whether it was caused by a mood disorder or something else, it may happen again. Then what? Would you put him at risk of being used again -- because he's there, and convenient, and already interested? Until your sexual high subsided, at least, and left you in this exact situation all over again. That is not a good dynamic to be in.

    A decent friendship (and every other kind of relationship) is one in which everyone can respect the person they're with. If you cannot trust yourself to respect his feelings and treat them with care, it may be better for you to gracefully bow out of the friendship altogether, at least until you've found some balance within yourself.

    A pretty important step to take is to clarify what exactly you're looking for from these men. If you want to "still be friends" with R just because you don't want to feel guilty for cutting him out of your life, that's different from wanting to BE friends with him because you think he's a fascinating person whose friendship would enrich your life. That's the difference between "wanting to be friends" and "not wanting to not be friends". Alternately, if you explicitly and absolutely "want to be friends" with J and you absolutely want there to be no sexuality (or hints of "more") between you, then you need to lay down that boundary, be prepared to back it up and stick to it.

    It is also OK, if you feel that you just can't handle trying to deal with the drama from either or both of them, to just end it and not speak anymore. You have the right to do that, you know!

    I'm just hearing a lot of wavering and uncertainty in your post, maybe in not wanting to displease them or "do the wrong thing," maybe some other issue... That's what I would put my attention and energy into, not the complicated minutiae of your relationships. It's a red herring. I feel like what you're really asking, or looking for, is something completely different ... or something hidden behind the overt problems. But that's just my impression, take it for what you will.

    Good luck dear.

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