Last summer I wasn't me in a lot of ways. I was almost always aroused for no obvious reason (beyond my youth), I began taking risks in doings things online for sexual gratification with people I did not know, and I was desperate for attention. All 3 things in unison made for a lot of later regrets that I definitely understand now.
Once August came around I was me again. Shy, independent, nerdy, and private. That's when I began cutting ties with everyone I had "played with" since they never really cared about me as a person.
Anyway, I kept 2 people as friends. Which isn't going so well..since we started as friends with benefits (online).
The first is R. He's a great storyteller and I'm honestly attracted to him physically. But when push comes to shove we have nothing in common and because of that he's actually pretty boring to talk to. He keeps trying to talk to me, but I know that he's going to end up flirting with me and try to get me to play again. Which I haven't done with him since October (because again I'm attracted to him physically). But since I'm not running on arousal and I'm just not attracted to him mentally, I'm not interested in playing with him anymore. I'd like to be his friend...but he doesn't really try keeping a conversation going. Which doesn't earn him any brownie points.
At this point I'm ignoring R, despite him trying to message me on Steam. And it's becoming frustrating...should I confront him or just let him go? I'm unsure what to do.
The second is J, the one I lead on. We met in April (before the summer fit) and we had really great conversations. We still do. I started being frisky with him online, and that started friends with benefits relationship to start between us. He had feelings for me (and I knew almost the entire time), so I lead him on to get what I want. I feel horrible about that now, but then I just wasn't thinking about others. Anyway, August came around and I told him that I just wanted to be friends. I apologized for everything, and we remained friends. But the damage has already been done. I had already screwed it up, and that's not fair to him. So he still kinda flirts with me which makes me uncomfortable, and although he understands I want to be friends...I think he has this hope that we could be more.
But I'm just not interested, and I have no idea what to do. So should I just break ties with him?
I understand everything I did was my fault, no one put a gun to my head in any of this. I lacked so much self control and respect for myself in those few months that I let myself do horrible things for the sake of physical satisfaction. And I'm not proud of myself for any of it. I'm just unsure what I should do since both parties don't seem to understand that I just want to be friends. No benefits, no romantic relationship, nothing.
I'm so confused and in need of help.