All my life I've struggled with true acceptance of my AB / Sissy lifestyle side. I've been through periods where I believe I truly accept it, believe it will never go away and have to incorporate it into my life. Twice however, I've tried to extinguish it by throwing away all my paraphernalia only to re-buy it all some months later.
This is going to go a little deep but I will keep it brief. My mother is anorexic and has been since her teens. The effects weren't really noticeable until her 30's and by her 40's she was made redundant from her job as a district nurse, likely too much of a liability. She is domineering, controlling, manipulative, tries to micro-manage everything and everyone around her, is co-dependent, plays the martyr, invaded my privacy, shamed me, hit me as a child, is highly critical, angry, intolerant. As you may know anorexia is really 100% a mental rather than a physiological eating problem. Unfortunately that has impacted me severely in many ways.
I see my main problems as not being able to stand up properly for myself, unable to express anger healthily and internalise it instead, leading to rage. My esteem is poor and I don't believe in my abilities, even though I know how intelligent I am and how erudite I am in writing. I've been on Citalopram for the best part of 13 years and have a history of poly-drug use from MDMA, cannabis, LSD, alcohol, cigarettes, benzo addiction and anabolic steroid use. Just recently I relapsed on Xanax but have quickly quit again. I don't take any of my old recreational drugs any more but anabolic steroid use is my main vice.
I struggle with intimacy and have avoided intimate romantic relationships all my life. I could go on about the variety of problems I have but I did say I'd keep this brief. My most useful self-help tools are pro-masculinity books like No More Mr Nice Guy, Hold on to your N.U.T.S and Carlos Xuma's Alpha Masculinity guide. They are about being the best man you can be; masculine, able to set boundaries, show and demand respect, be empathic, help and support those in need (whilst making your own needs the priority), show honour, courage, strength, compassion, being courteous, chivalrous, be a leader, manage our egos and emotions. It's all good healthy stuff.
However, I wonder whether my little 2 year old girl, shy, gentle, vulnerable little lamb who needs reassurance and kindness, unconditional love and nurturing from mummy is holding me back from the masculine work. My little baby side, you could say, is the antithesis to this powerful masculine figure. I just can't seem to stop my little girl from entering whenever i see an attractive woman. I don't think of sex or mutual age-appropriate relationship; I want her to cuddle me and soothe me off to sleep.
Phew. I'm not sure where to go from here. I've had 1.5 years of CBT and 1.5 years of psychodynamic therapy and have more coming up in January. Thanks for reading.