Being that it's a quiet Sunday night, I've taken the opportunity to mull over something that's kinda been bugging me for a while.
I began to experience my coming of age at around 15 - relatives constantly asking about my relationship status, kids at high school making out, parents suggesting I'd eventually find the 'girl of my dreams' - but the idea of being in a relationship just never appealed to me.
When I was 16, I learned that one of my best friends was gay. Upon making this discovery, I began to question my own sexuality. And it made perfect sense (in teenager logic) - I was a weak, emotional kid who liked interior design, fashion, and various forms of digital art. It definitely clicked.
But during my high school senior years, I fell into a major depression (from which I still haven't recovered). Paired with my severe anxiety and obsessive compulsiveness, I had a great deal of trouble getting through school and was consequently forced to stay an extra year. After (reluctantly) earning my high school diploma, I proceeded to college out of town and dropped out twice, leaving me with a massive debt and a soiled transcript. Throughout this period, I'd made some observations about my sexuality that may have been influenced by my depression. I had no libido. And so I began to identify as an aromantic asexual.
During the same period, however, I'd also discovered my little side, thanks in part to ADISC. I figured out how to achieve peace of mind by regressing to early childhood. Admittedly (and rather embarrassingly), regression is often a sexual thing for me, as it stems from a clothing fetish I had as a young child. But it's evolved since then. It's become a lot more emotional. And I feel like I need an opportunity to meet some like-minded people in order to express these emotions.
I can't help but envy the folks here who get to share their life with another little. Someone who will play with them, snuggle them, buy silly AB-related things for them, understand them, and care about them. I'll admit, the envy nearly has me in tears.
Is a relationship what I really want? Or am I just desperate for friendship?
Can anyone make sense of this?