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Thread: Sexuality, relationships, and conflicting thoughts

  1. #1

    Default Sexuality, relationships, and conflicting thoughts

    Hey guys.

    Being that it's a quiet Sunday night, I've taken the opportunity to mull over something that's kinda been bugging me for a while.

    I began to experience my coming of age at around 15 - relatives constantly asking about my relationship status, kids at high school making out, parents suggesting I'd eventually find the 'girl of my dreams' - but the idea of being in a relationship just never appealed to me.

    When I was 16, I learned that one of my best friends was gay. Upon making this discovery, I began to question my own sexuality. And it made perfect sense (in teenager logic) - I was a weak, emotional kid who liked interior design, fashion, and various forms of digital art. It definitely clicked.

    But during my high school senior years, I fell into a major depression (from which I still haven't recovered). Paired with my severe anxiety and obsessive compulsiveness, I had a great deal of trouble getting through school and was consequently forced to stay an extra year. After (reluctantly) earning my high school diploma, I proceeded to college out of town and dropped out twice, leaving me with a massive debt and a soiled transcript. Throughout this period, I'd made some observations about my sexuality that may have been influenced by my depression. I had no libido. And so I began to identify as an aromantic asexual.

    During the same period, however, I'd also discovered my little side, thanks in part to ADISC. I figured out how to achieve peace of mind by regressing to early childhood. Admittedly (and rather embarrassingly), regression is often a sexual thing for me, as it stems from a clothing fetish I had as a young child. But it's evolved since then. It's become a lot more emotional. And I feel like I need an opportunity to meet some like-minded people in order to express these emotions.

    I can't help but envy the folks here who get to share their life with another little. Someone who will play with them, snuggle them, buy silly AB-related things for them, understand them, and care about them. I'll admit, the envy nearly has me in tears.

    Is a relationship what I really want? Or am I just desperate for friendship?

    Can anyone make sense of this?


  2. #2


    Oh boy. This is not an easy thing to be sure of. But firstly, one must understand that friendships are relationships. I love my mother...and am friends with her. A husband and wife can be friends as much as spouses. Being Asexual myself, and obviously a virgin, as those go together so grandly, I have to ask myself this. I have no sexual desires when I see women. I see a nearly naked woman who looks amazing. And I admire the body the way one admires a great work of art. It's a thing of beauty, but not sexuality. I can see pornography and any erection I have is instantly killed and I am turned off. Like turning off the living room light. Instantly if I actually pay any attention to it. What I want is a relationship. For me, the ideal one would be a husband-wife relationship, ideally with her being largely asexual as well. Love and mutual support and caring. I see no reason that isn't being in a relationship.

    I am a little. jealous of those AB's here. Who here is an AB and doesn't wish they had someone in their lives who loved their little side? I would settle gratefully for someone who would just be willing to let me cuddle with a plushie and a paci. Padded if possible but I am long used to going without there.

    I see nothing wrong with you.

  3. #3


    Sexuality can be complex, and it's further complicated by the stereotypes we constantly see on television and the movies. Most people don't live those kind of lives. An indicator of sexual preference can be discovered by porn taste, i.e., do you enjoy seeing girls or guys, but then there are the asexuals.

    When I was young, sex was a strong part of my life. It still can be, but things do settle down as one ages. I'm bi, with a leaning toward homosexual. However, I'm married with children, and now, grandchildren. It works for me. My wife supports my little side and that has given me both pleasure, acceptance, and a sense of peace.

    It's taken me the better part of my life to not only discover who I am, but more importantly, accept myself without shame, blame or guilt. Don't give up on yourself. Think about what turns you on, and if there are people in that equation. There are many, many people who have married relationships that are not based on sex. They are based on love, respect, common interests and companionship. Not only is there someone out there for you, but there are many. You simply have to find them. You do that by meeting people, looking for those opportunities.

  4. #4



    First off, I'd say your 21...although I had one "serious" relationship by would have never worked out long term...

    I've never been married, but I've had a couple of long term relationships in the last ten years....

    I'll say this, everyone is different, and everyone is all about their own thing...

    Myself, I'm not gay, however have many gay or bi friends, and myself I love music and art too...but I also do like women in many ways too...and don't really feel attracted to the same sex...but that's just me...

    As for your dilemma...look into and explore everything you can, then see how it feels...when it's right you'll know...

    As for relationships...I too have had lulls and just times when they aren't top on the list...

    I've had years where I've not done anything but work...albeit work in that timeframe left very little left for relationships either...

    I just say this...there is no right or wrong...

    Be yourself, without any self loathing or self dismissal and you will find what's right for you...

    And contrary to popular belief, it does change over time don't've got many many years to figure out things....

  5. #5


    An interesting subject.

    But from my recent experience, this subject "blew apart" one of the "Workshop Sessions" @ AUTREAT 2013 this past August, the Autism Network International Organization's "Yearly Meetup/Confrence" of Autistic Self-Advocates.

    Anyway, let me ponder this subject for a while before answering further.


  6. #6


    Sorry about the delay, but I really needed some time to collect myself.

    @CuriousOne - Thanks for your insight. Poor choice of wording on my part. When I say "relationship", I'm referring to an intimate, romantic relationship. I'm trying to figure out whether I need the intimacy, or just the friendship. The issue is that, until now, I had absolutely no interest in establishing an intimate relationship. And so suddenly envying people who partake in romantic AB relationships comes as a shock - I just don't know what to make of it.

    @dogboy - I'm trying not to see my sexuality as a black and white thing, but I feel like I need these labels to make sense of things.

    I've never felt guilty or ashamed about my sexuality or little side. I love being a little and I embrace it. The problem is that I just haven't had the opportunity to meet other (male) littles. And so the only way I can express my little emotions is in text-based conversation, often not in real-time. It just doesn't seem like enough.

    @Bigbabybret - I still can't help but worry, as young as I am... I feel like I need to make something happen while I'm still youthful. Whether it be friendship or intimate relationship... it just doesn't help that I live in a small, remote city where neither of these are likely to happen. And I have to kick myself, because I used to live in an AB hot spot. I had all the opportunity in the world, but I was just too shy to attend munches or network with local AB's.

    I'm not looking to fit any kind of mould, I just need to find myself. And I feel like I need someone to help me find myself.

    @caitianx - Thanks for the reply.

    Also, does a thread of this nature belong here or in the AB section? For future reference.
    Last edited by futurepunk92; 23-Dec-2013 at 22:44.

  7. #7


    Much like you, I too have experience similar situations. Throughout High School I seen all the relationship stuff that was everywhere. Let me be clear that while some high school relationships are real, majority of them are results of peer pressure in some way, shape, or form. Being long gone from high school, it's not a problem anymore. But because of my experience having no relationship at all, being tormented with rejections (some painful, one serious being in the middle of class) and also being friend zoned by someone who I genuinely cared about in contrast to the crushes of the past. Being friend zoned by someone you came close to love and knows ALL of your secrets, it's more painful than being told to fuck off and you're a creeper in the middle of a class. Trust me. But also I began to question my sexuality and went down that road. Luckily for me I became more open minded to the troubles teen LGBT goes through so they have my sympathy. In the last year if high school that girl who cursed me out was starting a bullying campaign by telling the girls that I am a creepy person who just wants sex. It was quite opposite. I just wanted a companion. Needless to say knowing I would have to face her I developed severe anxiety that still exists today.

    So because of high school I just stopped being sexual. I mean I was a horny fuck who probably thought about it every single minute of the day. Gender didn't matter. Because of the never-ending cycle I grew so desperate I just wanted it with anyone. Well I can tell you I'm still a virgin. Because I seen what I was becoming and learned that with great patience comes great reward, basically my rendition of the famous Spider-Man quote. Lol. Throughout the teen years the AB life style was sexual for me. But when I purged, and I became less sexual within months, I just didn't feel it anymore. Really, everything I went through turned me off, not completely, but it turned me really off. I do envy couples who look genuinely happy (those who have been together for a long time, compared to people who gets new partners every week) as well as couples who are both AB's. Like I spend countless hours on Fetlife just looking for someone (since I'm moving I'm looking at that town, which LA is the second largest city population wise). So there's bound to be someone, I think.

    Being from small towns, a big city is a huge change and possibly new hopes. Like the metaphor, there are fish in the sea. Just gotta get out of the anemone and into the open waters. Keep hope in the future and with great patience you will be rewarded. In the meantime, you always have a friend who understands.

  8. #8


    I would not worry or dwell on it, some are meant to be with someone, some are not. I have seen far too often that some just CAN'T be alone, they have to be with someone, even weeks after a break-up, and they end up in more of a mess then before by rushing to "find" someone to be with so they are not alone, I don't know, I don't understand that at all. I have had 2 fairly serious relationships in the past 20 years, but I am not looking now, and wasn't really then either, they just kinda happened. I found out that I am really Asexual, not interested in it at all, but did enjoy the company that a relationship brings. In the past 8 years, I have found I am better off alone, and am very comfortable with solo time fishing or camping or just being at home, I rather enjoy it actually, and there is no stress that a relationship also brings. Be patient, and when it is meant to happen, it will. It is when you go looking just for the sake of not being along is when you can run into problems with bad choices, but just my opinion, take it for what it's worth. I would be more then happy jsut being with someone and not having the sexual side of it involved at all, that to me seems like it would suit me perfectly! Until then, I'm staying single, and don't worry about what anyone around me thinks!

  9. #9


    Let me start off by saying I empathize with you, and understand what you're going though. I'm not going to say I know exactly how I feel because I don't. I've been though a few things like what you're describing, but only you know you.

    When it comes to sexuality just understand that it's fluid. I understand what you mean when you need labels to make sense of things. They can help shine light on how you feel or act as a jumping off point, a place to start off from to explore your sexuality. I wouldn't worry about it. You'll know eventually what you surely are, but it's nothing you really need to know. Do what feels right in the moment. If you meet a guy you love than by all means consider a relationship with them, and same goes for a girl. As for asexuality the same is true, but just remove sex from the relationship. Sexuality isn't entirely based on which gender gets you going, but also what kind of person you can have a relationship with. I'm gay; I only get sexually attracted to males and can only be in a relationship with males. That's just how I am. If I meet a girl who I think I could date I may reevaluate my sexuality, but considering I'm engaged I doubt that will happen. Just do what makes you happy, and don't let a label define you, but instead become a new definition of that label, create an exception to the definition of what it means to be gay, straight, asexual, pansexual, or whatever you feel in your heart you are.

    As for being in a relationship it's a bit more complicated. If you find someone you want to be in a relationship with than explore that, but if you'd rather be single than just focus on having friends. It sounds like you'd really rather be in a relationship. However, know that while romantic relationships are the ideal you don't necessarily need one for someone to do all the things you want like nurture your little side and accept you. A perfect example of this is the daddy-son relationship. You could find a daddy who's willing to be there for you, even if it's only online, for you and your little side. I know some daddies who are caring and nurturing to their sons' little side, but become a good friend when their son isn't feeling little. The same could be said with AB friends. I know it's difficult, but if you do a little looking around, talk to some new people, than you should make some new friends who'll lead you on to make deeper relationships that provide what your looking for.

    Lastly, I wanted to give some advice on the depression you're still in and the envy you feel. I know what you're feeling. Not exactly, but I've been in a similar place. Two years ago I felt really alone and depressed, envy at everyone in a good relationship AB or not. I met someone and two years later I'm here with him now, visiting for a few weeks. He lives in the UK, and I live in Florida though, so it's difficult. Just know that eventually you'll be happy. It's probably not going to be as quick as you'd like, but eventually you're going to have someone who you can look at and tell them you love them, and they're going to tell you the same thing. They'll be there for your little and big side, and be there when you're up or they'll be picking you up when you're down. Someone out there is going to be there for you. You just gotta look and never give up.

  10. #10


    Thanks for the replies. I did neglect to mention one thing in the OP - I'm gay and I've known that since my mid-teens. I've always preferred the company of men and I'm more comfortable with the male body. It's just that, up until now, I've never had a romantic attraction to men.

    @Shadowhawk - It's true that sexuality is nowhere near as clear-cut as society would have you believe. It's hard to shake the habit of labeling when you're accustomed to viewing sexuality in such a way.

    While I find the daddy-son concept intriguing, I don't think I could handle constantly playing the submissive/dependent roll in a long-term relationship. I think I'd prefer a more 'brotherly' or 'friendly' relationship in that we'd be providing for each other.

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