I have reached the end of my supply of Pill #5. Or is it 6? I have honestly lost track. The bottom line is that it did not work...as was the case for all of the others.
The doctor, when I saw him last month, told me frankly that he was only hoping at this point to be able to "lessen the severity" of my incontinence; he no longer held out much hope of being able to eliminate it altogether. Maybe if I were willing to attempt some of the more invasive procedures...none of which he could promise would do the job anyway...
So here I am, about eight months 24/7 incontinent, almost precisely a year since the problem initially manifested itself as a new and permanent issue in my life. I think at this point I have come to terms with that permanence. I have accepted the image of my diapered self as a replacement for the version that I will likely never see again. Sometime during this Christmas break, I will remove the underwear from my drawer and place it somewhere in storage; it no longer needs to be accessible. There is no point in its taking up valuable space. Whatever clothing does not work over diapers will gradually be pruned from my closet and drawers for the same reason.
I am perfectly OK and composed about all of this. I've said it all along: my AB history helps me to accept what otherwise might be truly hard to bear. And while of course I would prefer to restrict my diapers to "little time"--a concept that had utterly disappeared from my life until this...what is it exactly? I am loath to label it a "disability" for that seems to diminish real disabilities, but what is it?...came into my world--I can handle them 24/7. I have learned how to live with them. And I am at peace with it all.
Perhaps things will change the first time I leak noticeably at school and some student sees it. We shall see. But for now...
I am going to talk to the doctor next time and tell him that I think I will stop the experiments with the pills. They are having no effect whatsoever, and if the very best I can hope for is being less incontinent...well, that is still incontinent, and it would still leave me diapered, so what is the point?
I'll just take my cue from Vonnegut, then.
So it goes.