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Thread: Wife and sex

  1. #1

    Default Wife and sex

    Well, I have been married for over ten years now. Sex has never been great between us - it was a bit better when we first got married but certainly wasn't great. We do have three kids so it's not like it's not happening but I don't think I really satisfy my wife. I have never been able to have great sex although I only had a couple of partners before marriage. Involving diapers helps quite a bit but my wife is pretty against this; she will do it occasionally but wants us to be able to have sex like a normal couple and frankly I don't blame her. I have used some meds in the past and they help a bit but our current insurance means I would pay $30 a pop. We have been seeing a psychologist for years for this and other issues but now I am wondering if I should see a psychiatrist to figure out the sex without diapers thing. Anybody got any experience with this or have the same problem?

  2. #2

    Default

    Well, I certainly don't have this specific problem - as my sex life is quite good ... but:
    I'm in a long term relationship (12 years now) and I guess the key to an amazing sex life to us is communication and an open mind.
    The thing is this, you (both) need to figure out what drives that sex drive. Also I guess BOTH need to be Very open minded in terms of trying out new and weird stuff.
    But also no one should be afraid to say "look we've tried this and I didn't like it - at least not this way... maybe...". y
    Also sex can go many ways... try to bring some variation, something exciting into the bedroom (or wherever ) more often than not...
    Sometimes it's also about pleasing the partner (and vice versa of course)... but it does not always have to be the ultimate fantasy for both. What I mean, is that sometimes I pleasure her in ways I know she really gets crazy... some of that stuff isn't something that would float my own boat (not to the point where I step over my limits) - but I do it, because I love her and occasionally like to give her great joy by fulfilling those fantasies.
    And you know what? she does the same thing in return for me. Diapers though are NOT in our sex-life... to me this just doesn't work, interestingly enough (probably because I have to deal with IC all day long and because of certain other aspects)...

    Now the other aspect: I bet you have more than just diapers going on on that sex-part of your brain? (I guess most people have more than just ONE ultimate fantasy.)
    And I'm pretty sure there's stuff your wife would love to try but probably is too afraid or too embarrassed to mention it.
    Well I guess in both those aspects you can find the key to solve your problems (or at least part of them).
    What I say, is that EVERYONE has LIMITS... now some of those limitations go away over time with experience, some are there to stay for good. and I do NOT advocate to either push anyone over those limits or let yourself be pushed over yours. For example to myself there's basically four things I would NEVER do: ANYTHING involving SCAT PLAY (shit play - honestly the bare thought makes me want to puke and get two hours of mouth wash done), Humiliation of any sorts, Injuring / hurting to the point of injury, and ANYTHING that isn't consenting... So those "hard limits" I'll never cross, of that I'm really sure.
    Luckily my GF is basically similar in that regards (aside maybe from the humiliation aspect).
    We have early started to explore BDSM in our sex life and we both "switch" (meaning top/bottom roles can switch). We started out pretty mild and have progressed from there. But we always keep it respectful and enjoyable for the both of us.

    I guess you need to figure out what drives you - aside from diapers... be openminded.
    You need to figure out what drives your wife... what would be stuff she would scream for more, wildly...
    And you should both sit down and discuss what your real limitations are, explain WHY these limitations exist and into what areas both of you would feel ok to venture into.

    And then just try stuff out...
    Maybe get some toys (oh my... my GF and myself are HUGE fans of SEX-Toys ... we've got quite the collection to say so - and I'm not speaking of just the boring old vibrator for her ... toys are for men too ...)
    Try blindfolds, try some light bondage...
    try teasing play... strip teases?
    maybe some role play?
    I don't know the list of possiblities is long.
    But just don't be stuck at a stupid routine...

  3. #3
    CrinklySiren

    Default

    I've been married for 5 years now, and what i've gathered is that sex can't be repetitive or boring... the reason sex in marriages doesn't tend to last is because it becomes boring or tedious, and becomes "normal couple sex". I've learned that this is a common misconception, and is actually quite literally the death of marital sex. The desire for normality ALONE can cause a terrible amount of problems. At first i believed my wife wanted normal sex too, but then i came to find out that she wants to buy a swing and bed restraints and a bunch of other toys, that she never told me about because she thought i was fixated on diapers and nothing else. What you have to do is allow for your wife to feel like her sexual pleasures matter too, by indulging her and coaxing her into revealing her desires. Women have this habit of indulging or trying to indulge men, without addressing their own desires and expecting men to pick up on their desires instead of outright telling them what the deal is, and this leads to miscomunication.

    You both have to be willing to indulge each others sexual fantasies and desires (assuming they are within acceptable ranges) or things will just break loose. This is the reason why its so sad that sex is so underdiscussed in the US because its SUCH an important part of healthy relationships and often times becomes the reason for separation, despite no one wanting to outright admit it. The human sex drive is one of the most powerful processes in our minds that it alone can lead to the downfall of our relationships or our reputations as individuals.

    I think the problem here is that you feel like shes not allowing you to express yourself sexually because she is against the whole diapers thing, however this doesnt meant that she should be forced to like it, it only means that your restriction from it is causing a body language response that is simply making sex unenjoyable, kind of like your body is saying "why am I going to enjoy this when its not even what I want." Also, you need to help her get the notion of "normal couple sex" out of her head and make her understand that there is no such thing as normal sex, and quite frankly, the word normal should be relaced with BORING. There are "normal couples" who seem normal up front but behind closed doors are total freaks with toys and restraints and sometimes even pleasurable pain. Sex is not the way it is in the movies, its NEVER "normal". The only people who have "normal" sex are your average porn stars and Mormons (no offense to any mormons, but mormons have sex more for reproduction and not necessarily pleasure, so i guess its ok that its boring). The more either of you concentrate on "normality" in the bedroom, the less interesting its going to be, and the more upset its going to make the both of you.

    Mind you, this is all just talking about sex. You'll find that a lot of your other issues seem to dissipate when the sexual part of your relationship is in good condition.

  4. #4

    Default SP

    Do everything you can possibly think of to rock her world, with no pressure on her. Id imagine having kids can be quite stressful on the sex life, especially if theyre young... maybe a vacation with just the two of you would help?

    I had a lacking sex life with a past girlfriend-turns out she had never had an orgasm with a man before! Once that dam was broken---wooo! It took a lot of alone time with her and some serious coaxing. I had to convince her that this was for her, and not me. I have a feeling more women are like this than they would like to admit. I also have a feeling that sex for women is more of a psychological game then a physical one, and this presents a challenge for us men.

    Good luck sir!

  5. #5
    CrinklySiren

    Default

    Its not necessarily that its a psychological thing, sex is psychological for everyone because when we engage in it, all the same parts of the brain light up and when we orgasm, regardless of birth sex, our entire brain literally explodes with activity in the same way. However, women have more sensitive bodies than men, a lot of the nerves on their bodies are scattered around the body, hence why women like foreplay instead of getting down to business. Getting kissed on the neck or the wrists and areas like that are sensitive because of the sensitive nerves that lie there. For women, sex isnt just sex, its intimacy. Those nerves coupled with the mind set of a woman, make up the importance of sex, whereas for me its more about just getting the job done good, hard and long lasting.

    I probably shouldve mentioned that foreplay is important lol

  6. #6

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by VerticalDrop View Post
    Do everything you can possibly think of to rock her world, with no pressure on her. Id imagine having kids can be quite stressful on the sex life, especially if theyre young... maybe a vacation with just the two of you would help?

    I had a lacking sex life with a past girlfriend-turns out she had never had an orgasm with a man before! Once that dam was broken---wooo! It took a lot of alone time with her and some serious coaxing. I had to convince her that this was for her, and not me. I have a feeling more women are like this than they would like to admit. I also have a feeling that sex for women is more of a psychological game then a physical one, and this presents a challenge for us men.

    Good luck sir!
    Yeah, the kids are a problem. At least one of them usually ends up in bed with us and sometimes all three. One of my wife's boundary conditions is that I don't wear in front of the kids so this is a bit of a problem when they sneak into our room in the middle of the night!! I agree with your comment on psychology - for example, foreplay I think is as much about sitting down to watch a movie and cuddling on the couch than anything actually sexual.

    Thanks for your comments!

    - - - Updated - - -

    Thanks for your reply - very helpful, I think. You are totally right when it comes to communication - that is one thing we are very bad at and a lot of our problems can be attributed to poor communication. With such a difficult subject - diapers - it is much easier to just ignore it and not communicate. I think we have been doing this for years and it has leaked (pardon the pun) into other aspects of our life such that we don't communicate on topics such as money or family either. Actually, a psychologist we have been seeing recently suggested putting discussion of the diapers on the back burner for a while. His theory was that such a contentious issue should only be dealt with only after we had made other improvements to our relationship. I honestly think this was a mistake. I am hoping she will read this thread - she has been very reluctant to look at anything on ADISC but I think the replies I got to my post are very reasonable and well thought out. Thanks!



    Quote Originally Posted by EPO1 View Post
    Well, I certainly don't have this specific problem - as my sex life is quite good ... but:
    I'm in a long term relationship (12 years now) and I guess the key to an amazing sex life to us is communication and an open mind.
    The thing is this, you (both) need to figure out what drives that sex drive. Also I guess BOTH need to be Very open minded in terms of trying out new and weird stuff.
    But also no one should be afraid to say "look we've tried this and I didn't like it - at least not this way... maybe...". y
    Also sex can go many ways... try to bring some variation, something exciting into the bedroom (or wherever ) more often than not...
    Sometimes it's also about pleasing the partner (and vice versa of course)... but it does not always have to be the ultimate fantasy for both. What I mean, is that sometimes I pleasure her in ways I know she really gets crazy... some of that stuff isn't something that would float my own boat (not to the point where I step over my limits) - but I do it, because I love her and occasionally like to give her great joy by fulfilling those fantasies.
    And you know what? she does the same thing in return for me. Diapers though are NOT in our sex-life... to me this just doesn't work, interestingly enough (probably because I have to deal with IC all day long and because of certain other aspects)...

    Now the other aspect: I bet you have more than just diapers going on on that sex-part of your brain? (I guess most people have more than just ONE ultimate fantasy.)
    And I'm pretty sure there's stuff your wife would love to try but probably is too afraid or too embarrassed to mention it.
    Well I guess in both those aspects you can find the key to solve your problems (or at least part of them).
    What I say, is that EVERYONE has LIMITS... now some of those limitations go away over time with experience, some are there to stay for good. and I do NOT advocate to either push anyone over those limits or let yourself be pushed over yours. For example to myself there's basically four things I would NEVER do: ANYTHING involving SCAT PLAY (shit play - honestly the bare thought makes me want to puke and get two hours of mouth wash done), Humiliation of any sorts, Injuring / hurting to the point of injury, and ANYTHING that isn't consenting... So those "hard limits" I'll never cross, of that I'm really sure.
    Luckily my GF is basically similar in that regards (aside maybe from the humiliation aspect).
    We have early started to explore BDSM in our sex life and we both "switch" (meaning top/bottom roles can switch). We started out pretty mild and have progressed from there. But we always keep it respectful and enjoyable for the both of us.

    I guess you need to figure out what drives you - aside from diapers... be openminded.
    You need to figure out what drives your wife... what would be stuff she would scream for more, wildly...
    And you should both sit down and discuss what your real limitations are, explain WHY these limitations exist and into what areas both of you would feel ok to venture into.

    And then just try stuff out...
    Maybe get some toys (oh my... my GF and myself are HUGE fans of SEX-Toys ... we've got quite the collection to say so - and I'm not speaking of just the boring old vibrator for her ... toys are for men too ...)
    Try blindfolds, try some light bondage...
    try teasing play... strip teases?
    maybe some role play?
    I don't know the list of possiblities is long.
    But just don't be stuck at a stupid routine...
    - - - Updated - - -

    When we first got married she would try to please me occasionally but it never really worked out very well and then she would blame herself for not doing what I wanted. Diapers are just not her thing so whatever she tried to do seemed so awkward and forced. When I am on my own, I love to go crazy with the diapers and AB stuff. However, I don't really think I need or want all that with sex. What really gets me going is role play, just the words really. But this is very hard for her and that makes it ineffective for me. For example, she can say...
    'honey, you can go and put a diaper on if you like', or....
    'you get downstairs right now and put a thick diaper on.'
    The former would do nothing for me but that latter would turn me on hugely - I wouldn't even need to put a diaper on! However, the latter is very hard for her to say. So, I get kind of down about that and feel that if she won't even say words then what chance is there of anything else! So, I think you are right and we have to find some other 'non normal' ways to have sex - there are plenty of options. I think I would be happy if she would play a non-sexual role with the diapers for me and then we could work on the sex issue separately. However, even if sex is removed I think the whole diaper thing freaks her out too much so that wouldn't really work. I guess for years I was happy just to keep the diapers to myself but now I have more of an urge to involve someone else (my wife, that is). I think this corresponds to a growing of my AB side whereas when I was younger I think I was mostly just DL. Anyway, thanks for your helpful comments!



    Quote Originally Posted by CrinklyEmilyLG View Post
    I've been married for 5 years now, and what i've gathered is that sex can't be repetitive or boring... the reason sex in marriages doesn't tend to last is because it becomes boring or tedious, and becomes "normal couple sex". I've learned that this is a common misconception, and is actually quite literally the death of marital sex. The desire for normality ALONE can cause a terrible amount of problems. At first i believed my wife wanted normal sex too, but then i came to find out that she wants to buy a swing and bed restraints and a bunch of other toys, that she never told me about because she thought i was fixated on diapers and nothing else. What you have to do is allow for your wife to feel like her sexual pleasures matter too, by indulging her and coaxing her into revealing her desires. Women have this habit of indulging or trying to indulge men, without addressing their own desires and expecting men to pick up on their desires instead of outright telling them what the deal is, and this leads to miscomunication.

    You both have to be willing to indulge each others sexual fantasies and desires (assuming they are within acceptable ranges) or things will just break loose. This is the reason why its so sad that sex is so underdiscussed in the US because its SUCH an important part of healthy relationships and often times becomes the reason for separation, despite no one wanting to outright admit it. The human sex drive is one of the most powerful processes in our minds that it alone can lead to the downfall of our relationships or our reputations as individuals.

    I think the problem here is that you feel like shes not allowing you to express yourself sexually because she is against the whole diapers thing, however this doesnt meant that she should be forced to like it, it only means that your restriction from it is causing a body language response that is simply making sex unenjoyable, kind of like your body is saying "why am I going to enjoy this when its not even what I want." Also, you need to help her get the notion of "normal couple sex" out of her head and make her understand that there is no such thing as normal sex, and quite frankly, the word normal should be relaced with BORING. There are "normal couples" who seem normal up front but behind closed doors are total freaks with toys and restraints and sometimes even pleasurable pain. Sex is not the way it is in the movies, its NEVER "normal". The only people who have "normal" sex are your average porn stars and Mormons (no offense to any mormons, but mormons have sex more for reproduction and not necessarily pleasure, so i guess its ok that its boring). The more either of you concentrate on "normality" in the bedroom, the less interesting its going to be, and the more upset its going to make the both of you.

    Mind you, this is all just talking about sex. You'll find that a lot of your other issues seem to dissipate when the sexual part of your relationship is in good condition.

  7. #7

    Default

    Well,

    I have never had a sex starved relationship...and been in a couple different relationships for many years each...

    Odd as it may sound, never broken up over sex...one ended up in treatment for alcohol and other stuff...last one over parenting (real kids not ababies)...

    I'll say one thing, if you can find what turns her on you'll be set...

    And I'm going to keep this pg...

    But, it may not be "tradional" sex at all...all my partners I was able to orgasm without any penetration at all...

    I've found that the women I've been with at least aren't able to climax with just a "tradional" sexual relation...

    It is much more a cerebral experience, and honestly telling them what your feel about them verbatim...even a bit crude sometimes works...

    And there are many sensitive parts on everyone...

    Getting in the mood is the hardest part IMHO...but, once you know what your partner really likes its easy...

    Talk to her about this, and from your post I see you are trying to please her...and this effort will get you "points"

    Ask her if she is willing to try some other things...

    Perhaps, simulated nursing...trying to keep pg here...

    Or, before if your watching a movie, just pull her legs up and start massaging her feet...and work from there...

    I know having little ones is hard, my ex and I quite often would have him in bed with us...and we would just sneak out to the guest suite and have fun...

    Try setting up a spare room ahead of time...maybe a couple of nice candles, some chocolate dipped strawberries, bed mad up nicely, some wine or champange, after the kids are in bed and sleeping, just grab her, carry her to the other room, or just hold her hand if carrying is out of the question, and just get her to relax, have some massage oil (warmed up), give her a nice gentle massage everywhere, IMHO a bit of romance goes a long way...

    Anything it seems just to let them know your think of them and want to do something relaxing and pleasurable...

    There are lots of ideas, and they really don't have to be elaborate at all, but keep it up is the key...

    Redneck foreplay doesn't get you to far...

  8. #8

    Default

    For me and my mommy, we completely forget our roles as an infant and a mommy and simply do what we know the both of us likes, ie. biting, kissing and licking.
    For us, the babying is completely about regression and stress relief so no such thoughts are given room when we have sex.

    I don't know what would work for the OP but I suggest trying to just think about the good about diapers when you're having sex.

    Hope this helps you.

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