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Thread: Hi, Can you help me please?

  1. #1

    Default Hi, Can you help me please?

    Hi, I'm a 20 years old lesbian woman and to be quite honest I didn't know about AB stuff until months ago.

    NOTE: I'm gonna use 'ne' to avoid gender specific pronouns.

    Last year I met a person online on a dating website and ne was very nice to me, we get along great, we skyped and stuff, at that moment ne told me ne was a lesbian girl just like me, same age, from Europe.

    I could notice at the very beggining ne fell in love with me and one thing let to another and we started a LDR. A few months in, ne told me ne didn't know nir gender, so ne asked me to use neutral pronouns, so I did, I supported nem the best I could. Then ne said ne wanted to be a man, so ok, I supported that too, I even said ne could get T injections and stuff, cut nir hair and I even bought nir nice men clothing.

    That also didn't last, a couple months in and ne was still unhappy, ne said ne wanted to be a girl, then back to a man (ftm), then back to genderqueer, then ne wanted to be an androgynous men, then ne wanted to be a transwoman(ftmtf).

    It was tough to deal with so many changes but I tried to keep it up but my help was never enough, ne was always sad, depressed, insecure and threatening suicide. It was awful.

    We didn't usually talk much about sex but one day I mentioned about it and boob sucking and stuff couples usually do and ne kind of started to mention ne would like to suckle on me, and then drink my breastmilk and then started talking about pacifiers, and ne said ne had one... also ne said ne has a problem with bedwetting and incontinence.

    I didn't mind the bedwetting cause I know its a medical condition and ne couldn't help it but reading the forum now I see that lots of people here have it too. Is there any connection between those two?

    Anyway, ne said ne wanted to be a baby full time and asked me to be nir mommy. It was a shock, I didn't want to be a mommy, I wanted a date, a husband or a wife, it doesn't matter, at least an adult, to go out, have fun.

    But since I love nem very much I decided to do it but it's been difficult for me, ne is still very sad and depressed cause ne has adult responsabilities which ne hates and ne says it's not baby stuff.

    Ne says ne only wants to lay down and drink my breastmilk but I don't even have any breastmilk...

    Sometimes ne gets mad and calls me a bitch and say 'f* you' and stuff like that and I get very hurt.

    Ne says that it's not a sexual fetish at all, but also confessed it makes nem feel horny to think about it so...

    My question is, what is going on with nem? Is there any relation between AB and bedwetting/incontinence and gender identity disorder? What can I do to make nem happy?

    What being a mommy means exactly? I will never go out on dates? We will never have a sexual relationship?

    Ne says I can't date anyone I have to be a single mother. This is just not the life i dreamed of, but since I love nem so much I want to at least give it a try.

    I'm sorry if i said something offensive, I just want to understand what is going on with 'em, ne is very important to me.

    Thanks.

  2. #2

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    Ok first off you need to think of your self first he needs a Dr help .
    What you say is he has no balance if you read past post you will find info that can help you.
    Its not you this relationship is unhealthy for you until he finds balance all the switching tells me he has not.
    Now he is abusing you . My sister was batterd first he abused her mentality then she got to believing what he told her was her falt . No it was not it took her down a bad path dont you walk that path too.

    Welcome to the forum.

  3. #3

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    You are still a single person. You have no children, and your unmarried. That gives you the right to do whatever you want. If you want to continue to indulge him? I can't see why you would, but go right ahead. That's just enabling him for the future, but that's not really a big deal. The important thing for you, is to think about you. What do you want? Are you so determined that he, and I'm using male pronouns for lack of a better word at this point in my brain, are you so determined that he gets what he wants and you don't? Why is that fair! You have just as much a right to a good relationship as he does. If being a mommy full-time is not what you want, don't do it! It sounds like an abusive relationship to me in some respects.

  4. #4

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    The specifics of this situation are vastly out of my depths, so I'll only answer what I can/feel comfortable answering. That said, it sounds like:

    1) Ne is very depressed and would benefit from professional psychological help and potentially medication to deal with their* depression.

    2) Ne is confused about the role ne wants to play, gender-wise. Ne may benefit from good, sensitive, progressive professional counsel here too. I do not have these feelings, so I'm not qualified to give any advice about them due to lack of personal experience.

    3) Ne is some kind of infantilist, and if ne gets horny thinking about it, ne has sexual fetishes surrounding infantilism or diapers, which is not in and of itself detrimental to a relationship, but see #5.

    4) Sometimes AB/DL and bedwetting/IC are related. Sometimes AB's like to regress to a different gender (sissy/littlegirl/littleboy). I don't know enough about this to answer that question any more than that, since I don't experience all of these feelings and I am not IC.

    5) I think the best relationships have balance. Partners share equal status, make decisions together, and are equally independent and co-dependent. Some time is spent together and some apart. Sex is present in the right amount and is balanced between vanilla and fetish material (and if partners don't have the same fetishes, this usually means more vanilla play than fetish play or is split between one partner's fetishes and the other's). Even a dom/sub relationship is by equal choice of the partners entering it (I think).

    I think something you and ne need to figure out is what kind of relationship you are in. Obviously you are both technically adults, but are you in a relationship between two adults who are dating romantically or between a caretaker-figure and a dependent person? You and ne seem to disagree on that point, but I do not know enough to say for sure.

    As for what being an AB/DL caretaker means, I think it is up to each couple. I have no experience here. I think #5 counts for something here, though. Your desires and hopes for the relationship are important, and ne needs to know that if the relationship is to work, you need a romantic, dating, adult partner. Demanding you be a single mother is unfair to you, and if it's not the life you want, don't do it!

    I think you need to discuss with them* what would make you feel more satisfied and comfortable in your relationship (Maybe you have already).

    Also, nothing you said was offensive, don't worry. I hope *I* handled this as sensitively as possible. A sex-advice columnist named Dan Savage covered a case like yours on his column, Savage Love, and put it much less delicately, but the gist of his statement was that the AB Significant Other needs to respect and satisfy their partner's wishes just like the vanilla partner needs to respect the AB's, and it can't work otherwise.

    Good Luck. My thoughts are with you, Alexandria. Welcome to ADISC.

    *I am unfamiliar with the ne/nir lexicon, so I'm using singular "they."
    Last edited by YankeeFox; 01-Dec-2013 at 17:45.

  5. #5

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    if ne is being verbally abusive then it may be time to take a break and see other people. It may be good for your relationship to spend some time away from each other.

    But, ultimately it is morally wrong for nim to be abusive, verbally or otherwise. it is unhealthy for you and there is no shame leaving nim.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by foxkits View Post
    Ok first off you need to think of your self first he needs a Dr help .
    What you say is he has no balance if you read past post you will find info that can help you.
    Its not you this relationship is unhealthy for you until he finds balance all the switching tells me he has not.
    Now he is abusing you . My sister was batterd first he abused her mentality then she got to believing what he told her was her falt . No it was not it took her down a bad path dont you walk that path too.

    Welcome to the forum.
    I know, ne said ne has been in therapy for many years but "things just got worse", where ne lives (The Netherlands) it's very bureaucratic to get medication and also ne is very poor, can't afford a therapist.Ne also do self-harming, nir body is full of scars everywhere because of cutting. I'm not a professional but judging by the symptoms I think ne may have borderline personality disorder, which is treatable with medication and therapy but ne says it's impossible to get an appointment with a psychiatric where ne lives.

    Well, I kind of know the relationship is unhealthy but I feel like ne needs me, whenever I try to break up ne threats suicide and I'm very scared ne will actually do it. Also ne is the only person I have, I'm very lonely myself so if I lose him I will be alone too, I already suffer from depression and social anxiety.

    Ne does abuse me sometimes, ne calls me names and gets very aggressive, it's tough to hear but ne says it's not nir fault and it's a disease ne can't control. I never acted aggressive against nem, it's just not the kind of thing I do, I'm very stable.

    I don't blame me for all these things no, I know I have nothing to do with it but still I can't just leave nem alone without help, with so many problems. When I had problems ne was there to help me.



    You are still a single person. You have no children, and your unmarried. That gives you the right to do whatever you want. If you want to continue to indulge him? I can't see why you would, but go right ahead. That's just enabling him for the future, but that's not really a big deal. The important thing for you, is to think about you. What do you want? Are you so determined that he, and I'm using male pronouns for lack of a better word at this point in my brain, are you so determined that he gets what he wants and you don't? Why is that fair! You have just as much a right to a good relationship as he does. If being a mommy full-time is not what you want, don't do it! It sounds like an abusive relationship to me in some respects.
    I just want to help cause ne needs help and I love nem. When I needed help ne was there for me.

    I told nem it was not fair for me to dedicate my whole life just to take care of nem, I really did... but ne got even more depressed and threatening suicide constantly, like every minute, I couldn't handle it.

    I'm part of the VHEMT so I would never have a biological child. Ne kind of made me feel empathy for nir need of having a mom and now I feel I should help and be there for nem.



    The specifics of this situation are vastly out of my depths, so I'll only answer what I can/feel comfortable answering. That said, it sounds like:

    1) Ne is very depressed and would benefit from professional psychological help and potentially medication to deal with their* depression.

    2) Ne is confused about the role ne wants to play, gender-wise. Ne may benefit from good, sensitive, progressive professional counsel here too. I do not have these feelings, so I'm not qualified to give any advice about them due to lack of personal experience.

    3) Ne is some kind of infantilist, and if ne gets horny thinking about it, ne has sexual fetishes surrounding infantilism or diapers, which is not in and of itself detrimental to a relationship, but see #5.

    4) Sometimes AB/DL and bedwetting/IC are related. Sometimes AB's like to regress to a different gender (sissy/littlegirl/littleboy). I don't know enough about this to answer that question any more than that, since I don't experience all of these feelings and I am not IC.

    5) I think the best relationships have balance. Partners share equal status, make decisions together, and are equally independent and co-dependent. Some time is spent together and some apart. Sex is present in the right amount and is balanced between vanilla and fetish material (and if partners don't have the same fetishes, this usually means more vanilla play than fetish play or is split between one partner's fetishes and the other's). Even a dom/sub relationship is by equal choice of the partners entering it (I think).

    I think something you and ne need to figure out is what kind of relationship you are in. Obviously you are both technically adults, but are you in a relationship between two adults who are dating romantically or between a caretaker-figure and a dependent person? You and ne seem to disagree on that point, but I do not know enough to say for sure.

    As for what being an AB/DL caretaker means, I think it is up to each couple. I have no experience here. I think #5 counts for something here, though. Your desires and hopes for the relationship are important, and ne needs to know that if the relationship is to work, you need a romantic, dating, adult partner. Demanding you be a single mother is unfair to you, and if it's not the life you want, don't do it!

    I think you need to discuss with them* what would make you feel more satisfied and comfortable in your relationship (Maybe you have already).

    Also, nothing you said was offensive, don't worry. I hope *I* handled this as sensitively as possible. A sex-advice columnist named Dan Savage covered a case like yours on his column, Savage Love, and put it much less delicately, but the gist of his statement was that the AB Significant Other needs to respect and satisfy their partner's wishes just like the vanilla partner needs to respect the AB's, and it can't work otherwise.

    Good Luck. My thoughts are with you, Alexandria. Welcome to ADISC.

    *I am unfamiliar with the ne/nir lexicon, so I'm using singular "they."
    1) I agree ne needs professional help, but ne says it's almost impossible to get prescription medication in the Netherlands.

    2) I know a lot about gender identity issues so I was very supportive about it but it changed constantly, I remember once I called nem 'dude' and ne loved it and now ne absolutely HATES it. I can't even mention that word... at all.

    3) Ne says it's not a fetish, once I called it fetish by accident and ne got very upset. I don't have a problem with fetishes, everybody haves 'em I guess... I don't mind doing role playing games during sex, I think it's fun, but at some point it ends but in this situation it doesn't.

    4) Ne do bedwetting yes, and have incontinence but don't currently wear diapers, not even for sleeping cause ne says it's too expensive. I'm poor too so I can't afford buying diapers for 'em either. Ne is FAAB (female assigned at birth) but ne likes to call nemself a "baby boy".

    5) I agree with you, to be honest, when ne told me ne wanted to be a man I was very supportive and I even bought a strap on dildo, you know, those with a belt and a penis so he would feel more manly and to be honest I would like to be sexually envolved with a man too, I have no problem with that at all, would be fun, it made me happy to buy nem that gift, it was expensive but I thought it would add a lot to our relationship and to nir self-esteem. Turns out ne liked it in the first week or so but then ne told me about the AB/DL situation and never even used it anymore and it was sad for me cause I bought it for us to use together but ne says babies don't have sex. And if i mention i would like nem to use it on me ne says ne would do it but ne makes very clear ne doesn't like it and makes nem feel sad so I feel guilty and let it go.

    Well, at this point I think i'm a mom. We used to talk about watching "The L Word" together, it has spicy scenes we could recreate in bed and I think it would be fun but now ne doesn't want it anymore, all ne wants is to play with cuddles and watch cartoons. If i even mention "The L word" ne gets very upset, i even bought all the discs to watch with em, i bought a sexy lingerie, i bought that strap on, I bought a white tank top for em cause i think ne would look sexy on it but it was all a waste of money cause ne doesn't want any of that anymore and it upsets me. I guess the sexual part of our relationship is gone for good, I'm just a mother now.

    I told nem I don't mind being a mommy but I wish ne could be my boyfriend sometimes, take me out for dinner and do romantic things... things I think lots of women dreams of... but ne says it's too difficult for nem to switch between baby and boyfriend and I had to make a choice, but the fact is that the "choice" doesn't really exist, cause if i pick boyfriend he gets upset and threats suicide, cause it happened already so my only option is to pick baby and be a mom full time.... single mom, cause ne won't let me date anyone else... i asked about it.

    I'm a vanilla partner yes, to be honest I don't have any fetishes... but I respect em, and I don't mind making em coming true as long as it's harmless. But in this case it's not just a fetish, it's a life decision. I just wish I could make nem AND me happy somehow but it seems like it's one or the other.



    if ne is being verbally abusive then it may be time to take a break and see other people. It may be good for your relationship to spend some time away from each other.

    But, ultimately it is morally wrong for nim to be abusive, verbally or otherwise. it is unhealthy for you and there is no shame leaving nim.
    I tried to break up but ne threats suicide, once ne covered nemself with gasoline, once ne tried to jump from the second floor window but only hurt his chin. I can't do anything. Also I love him and ne is the only person I have, I don't wanna lose nem either and if ne kills 'emself I would never EVER EVER forgive myself.

  7. #7

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    I know about Boarderline Personality disorder, as I had a degree of it during college, and it presents serious problems. From what you've said, you need information, and I think you'll find it here on this site by reading a number of the threads and topics. You'll get an idea how adult babies and diaper lovers act. I'm both. I'm married and my wife knows and supports me. I work two jobs and make a descent living. My wife is retired on full disability as she is diabetic and in end stage renal failure. I am her dialysis partner.

    What I'm saying is that I represent a large portion of adult babies in that we live normal lives outside of our "little side". We have healthy relationships, work a job, and treat one another with love and respect. Your significant other does not fit in the norm of AB/DLs. Ne has a lot of mental problems, and these problems will pull you down, if it hasn't already. Only you can decide how much you can endure, but despite what ne says, ne needs serious help.

    Borderline Personality disorder is nothing to play with. At my height, I would get invited to parties while I was a college student. Older guys would get me drunk and when I was passed out, have their way with me. I would do anything for alcohol and drugs. I cut myself and tried to commit suicide on several occasions. Eventually I had a psychiatrist at a residential mental facility. One has to get help if they are to get better. I don't believe you can go on as you are.

    ADISC is first and foremost, a support group. We are here for you, so please don't hesitate to ask us anything, even if it's just us saying we care about you and your SO.

  8. #8

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    I have some understanding about mental health, I've been in therapy for some time, I suffer from social phobia/anxiety and depression which is very difficult for me to deal with already, I've been admitted to several Universities but I could never actually go through it, the social anxiety won't let me and it's tough, I'm also unemployed. I don't have an income, I live with my parents, I really can't afford adopting a baby.

    My S.O. however, have a job and ne is also studying in college, which ne says it's a lot of responsibilities and makes nim sad because it's not what a baby should do. I said if I had a job ne could quit everything but then I wouldn't stay at home to take care of 'em, so there is always a problem somehow, ne is never happy... never. I tried everything.

    Well I didn't know that ne didn't fit, everything about AB/DL is pretty new to me, I only learned that existed a few months ago when ne told me and I made a research about it.

    I've been reading a lot about nir problems and borderline, and well, ne don't do drugs nor alcohol but ne cut nemself very often, ne is full of scars. Ne cries a lot, like awfully a lot, I think there is not even one day ne doesn't cry, it's constant. I've heard ne used to beat nir mother up. Ne threats suicide everyday, sometimes ne says mean things like, I would suggest us to watch a movie and ne says 'You will be watching a movie with a corpse', or I would say I would like to sleep next to nem and ne would say it would be in a casket, those things are very sad to hear. Ne said ne was sexually abused by nem father, mother and sister. Sometimes ne will like break down like crazy, yell very hard at me, tell me 'fuck you' a million times, call me 'retarded bitch' for no good reason. It hurts me deeply, I even said 'you are not a baby cause a baby wouldn't say such words.' and then ne apologizes in the end of the day and I accept it. It happens every single day.

    I'm not perfect, so sometimes I will just ignore nem, but I never ever said a f word or called nem any names, that is just not the way i am.

    All these symptoms sounds a lot like BPD to me, ne had been in a psychiatric institution for some time as a child but ne says it didn't help and ne only got worse.

    My greatest wish is for him to get help, get medication, get mood stabilizers, anti depressants. Something that would help us to live together in peace.

    I love my S.O., I really do, ne writes me these beautiful letters and ne really looks innocent like a tiny baby and sometimes it's hard to believe on the horrifying things ne says and/or do to me.

    And... even if we won't get to stay together as a couple or something, I feel I should at least stay and try to help and understand. Cause ne doesn't have anyone and I think I should at least help. I opened this thread to try to understand nem a little better, I've been reading a lot about AB/DL, BPD, GID but I thought it was time to actually talk to someone.

    It seems like in The Netherlands you have to go through a very bureaucratic and expensive process in order to get mental help and medication, my S.O. said the only way to get an appointment with a psychiatric is if the police catch you trying to jump in front of a train. However sometimes I doubt about some of the things ne says, to be quite honest, I heard that lying is also a BDP symptom. If someone knows anything about mental health care in The Netherlands and could explain it to me I would be very thankful.

    Thank you for all your help.

  9. #9

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    I'm putting this differently since the situation seems more urgent.

    1. Please research the mental health system and laws of your country on the internet. It may be easier to obtain services than ne is making it seem. Use private browsing or sweep your browsing history so ne doesn't find out about this too early.

    2. Please see a counsellor, social worker or psychologist. Please discuss your relationship and nir behavior with them. They know the mental health system and how to help you two better than I ever could.

    2a. Please speak to local hospital staff about psychological services available to nem.

    3. Ne should get a psychological evaluation, soon. Ne may be in danger from himself.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you, Alexandria. Good luck, both to you and your SO.
    Last edited by YankeeFox; 02-Dec-2013 at 15:34. Reason: post-script

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by YankeeFox View Post
    I'm putting this differently since the situation seems more urgent.

    1. Please research the mental health system and laws of your country on the internet. It may be easier to obtain services than ne is making it seem. Use private browsing or sweep your browsing history so ne doesn't find out about this too early.

    2. Please see a counsellor, social worker or psychologist. Please discuss your relationship and nir behavior with them. They know the mental health system and how to help you two better than I ever could.

    2a. Please speak to local hospital staff about psychological services available to nem.

    3. Ne should get a psychological evaluation, soon. Ne may be in danger from himself.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you, Alexandria. Good luck, both to you and your SO.
    1) We live on different countries, as I said it's a LDR. I've done a research and I did find out that it's hard to obtain psychiatric medication in The Netherlands and it's prohibited to ship prescription medication worldwide but I didn't find much more about psychiatric session, anyway, at this point I don't think therapy sessions alone without medication would help nem but ne says ne is getting online therapy, which I don't know if is true, but I hope it is cause ne really needs it.

    2) I can't really speak with nir therapist but I told nem what topics ne should bring to the doctor and work out, ne says ne is doing it.

    I'm very glad I found this forum, I want to thank you guys. It was difficult for me to deal with my S.O. "condition" at first but when you get to deal with people like 'em and meet 'em all you can see they live happy and accomplished lives which is very comforting for me cause I didn't know how it would go.

    I learned the terms "AB/DL" and stuff, that was great cause if you google "infantilism" you will mostly find articles mentioning it with prejudice, being very offensive and narrow minded. Now I got to know AB/DL people and they are lovely and so is my S.O. even though he is depressed a lot, I'm learning how to take care of nem by reading people's similar histories.

    off to neverland this is a cute blog and help me understand more about ageplayers feelings, and it's a beautiful thing and I hope I can get to make my baby's dreams come true. I even bought nim a diaper (only one cause i'm poor) but ne is very happy, I just hope it will keep up that way.

    I asked if we will still make love and ne said yes, if i want to... I hope this will work out between us.

    When I first came here I was very ignorant about this and I'm still don't know much but I'm learning, accepting it and I'm very happy for now. Unfortunately our happiness don't usually last very long cause I know my baby is very unstable but I'm really trying my hardest.

    Thank you.

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