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Thread: AB Friend wont tell his wife

  1. #1

    Default AB Friend wont tell his wife

    So i have an AB friend who has been married now for a little while, and I keep on asking if he has told his wife yet, or suggesting ideas on how to approach it. Even had an idea of me making a wrong number text to her and admitting to my imaginary girl friend that i was AB, so my friend could get an idea of how his wife would react to the idea of AB's.

    Main point is, regardless of my ideas, and encouragements, he just doesn't want to do it. Should i just stop? I know it isn't any of my business on how he keeps up his life, but I was trying to encourage him to tell her before they got married, so then she wouldn't feel like she married somebody she didn't really know if she finds out during their marriage. Now it is past that point, and i'm hoping he doesn't wait for 10 or more years to say anything and by then she is making assumptions about his mysterious behaviors.

    Another part of the reason is because he wants to make a 5 hour trip down here sometime so we can have a play date night, and i can't help but feel like i'm encouraging his lie. Its like i'm helping him cheat on her, even though there isn't anything sexual going on.

  2. #2

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    Ok its up to him to tell his wife .
    No matter how we may feel I would never inter fear with someone would you like lose him as a friend .
    But you can have him read the posts on what can happen .
    Other then that let it go .
    Just be there as support if things go bad.
    Good luck

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    So i have an AB friend who has been married now for a little while, and I keep on asking if he has told his wife yet, or suggesting ideas on how to approach it. Even had an idea of me making a wrong number text to her and admitting to my imaginary girl friend that i was AB, so my friend could get an idea of how his wife would react to the idea of AB's.

    Main point is, regardless of my ideas, and encouragements, he just doesn't want to do it. Should i just stop? I know it isn't any of my business on how he keeps up his life, but I was trying to encourage him to tell her before they got married, so then she wouldn't feel like she married somebody she didn't really know if she finds out during their marriage. Now it is past that point, and i'm hoping he doesn't wait for 10 or more years to say anything and by then she is making assumptions about his mysterious behaviors.
    Whoops! That falls outside your jurisdiction, bro. Making this kind of judgment on someone else's behalf is terribly, terribly risky at the best of times. Since you are not in charge of his life, and since you are not the expert on what works for him or what he wants out of life (aka: you are not him), this is not your decision. It's inappropriate for you to try to force your opinion on his choices.


    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    Another part of the reason is because he wants to make a 5 hour trip down here sometime so we can have a play date night, and i can't help but feel like i'm encouraging his lie. Its like i'm helping him cheat on her, even though there isn't anything sexual going on.
    Now this? This does have something to do with you, and you are fully within your rights to set limits and conditions on your engagement with the situation.

    For instance, you seem to feel like you'd be contributing to his, shall we say, "deliberate omission" toward his wife, or even involved in betraying her somehow, if you went ahead with the playdate. This crosses a moral boundary for you. (Which it can only do because it actually INVOLVES you. You see?) So, you set a boundary on it. Such as, "I'm not willing to engage in a play date with you if it will involve deceiving your wife about where you are or what you're doing. That's a type of behavior I just can't be a party to."

    Note, you are not in charge of him or what he does, because you are not in control of him or what he does. But you ARE in charge of what YOU do. This is the same issue as if someone was being sexually unfaithful to their partner, and wanted to get busy with you. It would be inappropriate to try to control what this person did with other people, even if they were being unfaithful... and, depending who you ask, it would arguably be inappropriate to expose their actions to their partner, too. It is not your relationship, and the health of that relationship is not within your control or your responsibility. All you can do (and all you are responsible for) is to make the correct decision for you, in the situation you're in.

    Whether you can accept him despite the choices he makes -- enough to still be friends with him -- is a question only you can answer. But the truth is, if you can't restrain your urges to try to direct his actions/choices, you two may be better off not being friends. Because that's a really unhealthy type of relationship to have... for both parties.

    Mutual respect, and the belief that the person you're friends with is smart enough and capable enough to be in charge of their own life, is a vital component of good relationships. While it may seem caring and kind to push people to do what you think is right (or best), it is actually the opposite, and can be very damaging both to the relationship and the people involved. So it's important to be mindful of inter-personal boundaries.

    Good luck

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by FaennaJo View Post
    Whoops! That falls outside your jurisdiction, bro. Making this kind of judgment on someone else's behalf is terribly, terribly risky at the best of times. Since you are not in charge of his life, and since you are not the expert on what works for him or what he wants out of life (aka: you are not him), this is not your decision. It's inappropriate for you to try to force your opinion on his choices.
    True, I know, I just have a hard time seeing it happen so i am getting in his business over it. On the up note, i don't feel like i have been forcing it on him, but i have been a little more forward about it than i should. I probably should stop.



    Quote Originally Posted by FaennaJo View Post

    Now this? This does have something to do with you, and you are fully within your rights to set limits and conditions on your engagement with the situation.

    For instance, you seem to feel like you'd be contributing to his, shall we say, "deliberate omission" toward his wife, or even involved in betraying her somehow, if you went ahead with the playdate. This crosses a moral boundary for you. (Which it can only do because it actually INVOLVES you. You see?) So, you set a boundary on it. Such as, "I'm not willing to engage in a play date with you if it will involve deceiving your wife about where you are or what you're doing. That's a type of behavior I just can't be a party to."
    This is what is really bothering me a lot, and i probably should take care of. If he needs to lie about coming all the way down here, then i probably shouldn't encourage it by accepting a play date. Should i be ok with it though if he manages to tell her that he is coming all the way down here to hang out with a friend and that is it? At what point is it that he is being honest enough to make it all right for me to support a play date?


    I guess is have been a bit of a lousy friend though by nagging him over it, i will have to stop that, he really is a great guy, and i don't want to screw over his life. I just also wish it didn't have to be the way it currently is for him, having to hide it all.

  5. #5

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    Of course, and it's very natural to want to alleviate other people's suffering, and want to keep them safe from future harm. Especially people that we care about. It's just it often isn't possible, or healthy to step into that role.

    I suppose I reacted that way because it sounds like HE is not trying to fix the problem; YOU are. If you were helping him to look at different angles, and come up with ideas and solutions to a problem he's already trying to solve and willing to let you help with -- rather than doing it for him when he's indifferent or resistant to the idea in the first place -- that would be a very different situation to me. Brainstorming, etc. is perfectly okay, usually not entangling at all. It's just when the focus shifts from, "What can I do to support you while you work through this?" into "What can I do to fix this for you?" ... that's when trouble starts.

    You did state right out that "He just doesn't want to do it," so that is what concerns me. What you essentially are trying to accomplish by convincing him to tell his wife, is a CHANGE in him. You see, even if he somehow told her, or if she somehow found out -- if he didn't WANT her to know, it actually wouldn't improve things for him at all.

    Determining what is or isn't acceptable for you, as far as conditions for the play date, really comes down to you. You have to be honorable to yourself more than anything.

    Honestly, it sounds like you are simply unwilling to participate in an act of infidelity. Find out what that means to you. You've stated there is no sexual component, so figure out what part of it is disturbing you so much. What is it that your friend would be doing, that you perceive he should only be doing with his wife or with her permission? Is it emotional intimacy, like there would be with babying? Nudity? Physical intimacy (such as if you are changing each other, cuddling, taking naps in a heap, etc)? If you simply believe he should not keep secrets from her at all ever, you might want to examine your own stuff, and why you believe that. Boundaries are healthy in good relationships. It is possible to have a very healthy and satisfying relationship, and still have secrets from each other. That's not always how it is, but sometimes, it can be. So if that's an assumption you're making, check to see if it holds up in this situation.

    Most of all, I encourage you to identify WHY you feel uncomfortable with the idea, and what reassurances you might need that it's not the case. I also encourage you, once you've thought about that, to respectfully speak with your friend about this and find out his side of things. Frequently we're in such a rush to help a problem we see, we forget about the person's experience of it... and that usually the thing people need most of all is just someone to listen, without judging. Also, on the nitty-gritty side of things, ask him whether HE feels conflicted about the playdate! And if so, why.

    It may turn out that your concern is unfounded, after all. But it is OK to decide not to get involved with him in an ABDL (or any other) capacity if you don't feel right about it. Either way, listening openly, without automatically deciding whether the info you hear is "bad" or "good," can make things a whole lot better.

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by FaennaJo View Post
    I suppose I reacted that way because it sounds like HE is not trying to fix the problem; YOU are. If you were helping him to look at different angles, and come up with ideas and solutions to a problem he's already trying to solve and willing to let you help with -- rather than doing it for him when he's indifferent or resistant to the idea in the first place -- that would be a very different situation to me. Brainstorming, etc. is perfectly okay, usually not entangling at all. It's just when the focus shifts from, "What can I do to support you while you work through this?" into "What can I do to fix this for you?" ... that's when trouble starts.
    Yeah, this made me realize that i'm reacting to this all like my parents reacted to my little side.

    Anyway, that particular statement was a really good way at understanding some of the trouble going on here, as well as my personal life. Thanks for saying it.

    I'll figure out what to do about the play date, thing. It probably will be a little while until it gets brought up again, I hope i can approach it well enough without being a jerk, but i do need to do something.

    Thanks for the advice, it was all really revealing, and helpful.

  7. #7
    acorn

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    Yeah, this made me realize that i'm reacting to this all like my parents reacted to my little side.
    In spite of your lack of years, you seem to have a good head upon your shoulders. You were given some good advice in relation to yourself and your friend. Before you beat yourself up with overanalysing your gut-feelings.

    My questions are;

    • How well do you know his wife?
    • How well does she know you?
    • How stable is their relationship?
    • How would his wife react if she found out about a (non sexual) play date having taken place?
    • Would she agree that it is acceptable for her husband to engage in this behaviour behind her back?
    • Is there a possibility that she would perceive it as a form of infidelity despite his and your protestations?
    • Would she in worst case scenario use this event as part of her grounds in divorce proceedings?

    These questions are for you to reflect upon and maybe use in discussion with your friend, you need not answer them on here to appease me. My only advice is; For you to stick to your principles - for yourself alone. The husband and wife are both old enough to paddle their own canoes and will start to do so when you are not there to do it for them.

    If I were cohered to proffer my opinion on this matter; Under the given circumstances and in your shoes Id be more than reluctant to engage in 101 age play with him.

  8. #8

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    Great advise from above. I would also advise him to join this site if he hasn't already. I think it might help him to gain some perspective. Ultimately, he should tell his fiance before he marries her. When I read your first thread, I thought, well maybe he can live without indulging, but when I read further and saw he was coming for a play date, I realized that this is a person who would not be able to give it up. For that reason, he needs to find the courage to reveal this to his SO, hard as that will be.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by acorn View Post
    In spite of your lack of years, you seem to have a good head upon your shoulders. You were given some good advice in relation to yourself and your friend. Before you beat yourself up with overanalysing your gut-feelings.

    My questions are;

    • How well do you know his wife?
    • How well does she know you?
    • How stable is their relationship?
    • How would his wife react if she found out about a (non sexual) play date having taken place?
    • Would she agree that it is acceptable for her husband to engage in this behaviour behind her back?
    • Is there a possibility that she would perceive it as a form of infidelity despite his and your protestations?
    • Would she in worst case scenario use this event as part of her grounds in divorce proceedings?

    These questions are for you to reflect upon and maybe use in discussion with your friend, you need not answer them on here to appease me. My only advice is; For you to stick to your principles - for yourself alone. The husband and wife are both old enough to paddle their own canoes and will start to do so when you are not there to do it for them.

    If I were cohered to proffer my opinion on this matter; Under the given circumstances and in your shoes I’d be more than reluctant to engage in 101 age play with him.

    Well, i'll answer your questions anyhow.

    1: I know his wife a little bit, i have hung out with both of them 2 maybe 3 times but it was prob 2 years ago now, so she has probably forgotten me.
    2: As i said, she has probably forgotten me.
    3: I don't know much about how stable their relationship is, he doesn't tell me much about it. I know that when they were about to get married, they were holding off for a little while, so i think there may be some amount of struggle, but i really am just speculating.
    4: I don't think she would like finding out about us having a play date, mostly because that would be an odd way of first finding out about your partner being an AB. Secondly because i'm just assuming that she naturally wouldn't, but i don't know enough about her to say.
    5: I still can't say i know enough about her. If it were me, i would be a bit disappointed that my partner was doing things behind my back, rather than being up front with me.
    6 & 7: That is what i'm worried about happening, i don't want her to use something like a play date to make her get upset with him.

    I know you said not to worry about answering them, but there you go from my point of view anyway. I might have to bring them to his attention though the next time he brings up the idea of a play date. Because of all of it though, it does make me feel reluctant to have a play date.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by dogboy View Post
    Great advise from above. I would also advise him to join this site if he hasn't already. I think it might help him to gain some perspective. Ultimately, he should tell his fiance before he marries her. When I read your first thread, I thought, well maybe he can live without indulging, but when I read further and saw he was coming for a play date, I realized that this is a person who would not be able to give it up. For that reason, he needs to find the courage to reveal this to his SO, hard as that will be.
    That is kind of what I am thinking. He spends so much effort at getting some baby time when she is gone, and doesn't show any sign of holding back his old lifestyle that he lived as a single AB guy. I really think he would be best off by talking to her about it, but I think i have already tried the best that i can. I do wish he would join this site, but i think that he did a long time ago, and then lost interest after a little while. I'm not sure he wants to join again, mostly because adisc isn't social contact oriented.

  10. #10

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    Correction. From just chit chatting with him, he does seem to have at least the ability to not worry about being little when he doesn't have the chance to.

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