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Thread: I can't keep swimming...

  1. #1

    Default I can't keep swimming...

    Hi everyone...I know I haven't been here in a long time, so I may not have any right to post this. I just need some place to type and maybe keep my mind distracted from travelling to a dark place tonight. I am having a really hard time. I have been trying to get better for a few days now, but it doesn't seem like I am able to. I am depressed, and everything seems to be against me.

    I have been trying to join different communities, but my social anxiety and paranoia make it really hard for me to do so. I am a burden because of my personality and I feel like I never belong and feel like everyone hates me even if they don't know me. I usually can't take the feelings so I just leave...Like I did here...

    I have been stressed beyond belief with university. I don't know if I can take it anymore. Most of the time I just wanna run out of class crying because I just can't deal with it now. Thanksgiving break and all I do is homework still. I sit in my dark room, with the tv on for background noise so I don't feel so alone, but it doesn't help. I'm lonely...I'm lost -stitch voice- I haven't really done anything for leisure because I have no interest in doing anything anymore.

    Then right at the core, being a transgender has complicated my life so much more. I used to think the internet was a place that I could just be myself.It's the internet, I had no plans to get close to anyone, the internet would just be a place where I could live a second life. The problem is now things are starting to converge and I am having trouble keeping the two lives separate. I have lost so many friends, some I really really miss, because I waited to long to tell them the truth. I am still losing friends because I still "pose" as a girl and then tell people when I start talking to them more personally (not in a romantic sense just as friends). I just feel like they don't need to know about my personal life until there is more serious connections to friendship. Even then though people can't seem to take it and they stop talking to me...
    I wish I could go to a straight camp, maybe be normal. Brainwashing may help me out...

    I want things to stop, I want everything to stop, but I don't want this to be the end. I'm lost...

  2. #2


    Quote Originally Posted by PrincessEmmy View Post
    Hi everyone...I.

    I want things to stop, I want everything to stop, but I don't want this to be the end. I'm lost...

    Well, at least you know when you're on ADISC you're going to be accepted. We're a mixed group, but one thing we do well is accept each other for our kinks and the things which make us different.

    College can be tough. It was for me. I didn't do well, academically, my freshman year. I came out and found my SO, another male. At the same time, I realized some other things in my personality that plunged me into deep, deep depression. I often stayed in bed, rather than go to classes. Going home for the holidays seemed so lonely.

    The following year my SO left me, and I became very self destructive. I'd go to parties, and guys would get me passing out drunk so they could have their way with me.

    My junior year got better as I got back together with my SO, but life certainly wasn't perfect. What helped me was the passage of time allowing me to grow up. Eventually I found my way. Through all of the hard times, I tried to be with other people, and I kept busy. Like you, I did a lot of school work, because University/college, is demanding. In addition, I was a performing classical musician, so I had to practice 4 hours every day on organ, an hour on voice, and another hour with conducting and learning scores, all while carrying 18 credit hours. College is tough!

    Somehow, we survive and you will too. You've got friends here, and being transgender here just means you're one of us; straight, gay, bi, trans, asexual; we're all here to help and support each other. I think I can honestly say, it gets better. I know that gets trotted out too much, but for most of us, it's true. Work hard, because you have to keep your grades up, but also get out with others.

    Don't force you transgender agenda on others. They know who you are. Just have fun like everyone else. It works. I'm here for you and so is everyone else. Hugs.

  3. #3


    Quote Originally Posted by PrincessEmmy View Post
    I have been trying to join different communities, but my social anxiety and paranoia make it really hard for me to do so. I am a burden because of my personality and I feel like I never belong and feel like everyone hates me even if they don't know me. I usually can't take the feelings so I just leave...Like I did here...
    First, Emmy, you belong here and we are happy that you are here. Second, I don't hate you so saying that everyone hates you isn't quite right. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are a fine person.

    I have had bouts of depression all my life and have been helped by both counseling and medication. Please consider seeing someone about this. They can help.

    Also, when I feel like this I reread a book that was recommended by my counselor some time ago. It is called "Feeling Good, The new mood therapy" by Dr. David Burns. It's a good book and I highly recommend it.

    Feeling Good Publisher: Harper Paperbacks; Rev Upd edition: David D. Burns: Books

    Please take care of yourself and super big hugs to you.

  4. #4


    Emmy, you're very brave to post this here despite your anxiety. It's not easy, and I'm very glad you did. I think we all are.

    Feeling overwhelmed in university is very common, and you're far from the only one. My first two years in particular, I had a very hard time adjusting to all the demands, and it did lead to some depression and anxiety issues. The fact that I was an AB who was miles from accepting myself didn't help either. So I have some idea of what you're going through, and it doesn't make you a bad person that you're struggling. You're facing, objectively, an enormous load. It's not easy.

    With anxiety, it does feel like the world's against you sometimes. I can just about guarantee, though, that no one on this site hates you. We're a community built on building each other up and helping each other. Even our more argumentative members don't get hated on here. I know exactly how it feels, though! Just remind yourself of the're not hated on here. Even if things are crazy in real life, you're safe here.

    I think it'd be very helpful to seek out help for your situation. I didn't, and it led to a lot more pain and long-term difficulties that I wish I didn't have to deal with. Most colleges offer free counselling to students, because anxiety and depression are everywhere now on college campuses. You're far from alone! If you haven't already, get a time to sit down with a counselor and talk about what's going on. They'll be able to help you figure out some things you can't see from the middle of the storm.

    Most colleges also have LGBT groups that give students a place to express their gender and find answers to their questions in a safe place. I don't know much about these groups since I never spent time with them when I was in college. That's one of my big regrets now. It might've helped me work out some things sooner. Drop by one of their meetings. If there's not one on your campus, there's probably one in the nearby community. But if your transgender identity is causing you pain, it'd be helpful. These feelings and identifications don't tend to go away. But self-acceptance can really help you live a healthier life. And having accepting friends makes all the difference!

    I guess it all boils down to: don't go it alone. There are people who can help you. Including this community. You're NOT a burden. On here we've helped people in crisis before, and it's not a burden. We hold each other up. This community just recently helped me immensely when I suffered a huge loss. You're not a burden for asking for help, even if you have to do so a million more times. We're glad you're here.

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