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Thread: Internal Struggles with my ABDL self

  1. #1

    Default Internal Struggles with my ABDL self

    Okay, so I thought I'd post this in here since this has been a problem plaguing me for quite a while, I've been pretty quiet about it in an attempt to figure out why myself. But to be honest, I don't think I can go at it alone anymore.

    For the past few months I've been indulging myself within the AB/DL community a bit more, I seem to be a bit more "into it" than I was beforehand and I think it's a good thing, I haven't been more happier with myself and I've been feeling a bit less "restraint" on how I feel in general.

    But at the same time, this is where my problem comes into play, since with feeling less restrained on my feelings, it's lead my AB side to slip in through the cracks more often while I'm in my adult mental state, often citing feelings of being lonely, episodes of depression and anxiety due to the perpetual fear of being alone.

    All of this really stems from the idea that my little side feels lonely not having anybody there to stimulate it physically, like on most cases whenever it comes through and tells me of those feelings above, it's often telling me; "I just want a hug." because whenever that comes through, my body just desperately wants the sensation of someone being there and holding me tightly.

    But instead, since nobody is there to do it, my body just gives off this chill-like sensation that often leads to more of the same lonely and depressive feelings in my head.

    It's gotten worse recently though, on many occasions when that happens I've ended up to the brink of a mental breakdown or even worse actually crying (although that last part has only happened once for the record).

    My head and AB mind can't seem to take this anymore, I fear if this goes on it could end up in a really serious situation, like a full on meltdown in public or worse in front of my friends who don't even know I'm an AB/DL...

    It's those kinds of fears that pretty much fuel that depressive idea. I honestly dunno what to do.

    I know it may seem like I'm blowing this way outta proportion and...well, maybe I am. But to be honest, this is really how I feel about it right now, my head just can't take this kind of emotional stuff since I'm used to just keeping my emotions in check...

    But anyway, my point for this thread is. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just being over-dramatic about it? Or are my feelings regarding my AB/DL side justified somehow?

    In any case, I don't want this thread to seem like I'm just venting for the sake of making a vent thread. I wanna be able to get some idea of what the hell is going on in my head. And I really hope you guys and gals here at ADISC can help...

    'cause I sure as hell can't seem to do that myself.

  2. #2

    Default

    Sorry you're feeling so down buddy, but it's good that you're talking this out. You know, this craps going to plague you in some way all your life I think so try to chill a bit. It sounds like you've been having a pretty good time, but maybe you've been over indulging... Sometimes a lack of real life balance can leave you feeling flat about everything, even the stuff that usually makes you happiest.

    I know that you desire someone to embrace your little side, and it can be nice, but it's not that easy to come by and even in my case with an accepting partner, she's not always accommodating when I might really need that kind of a cuddle. (Lucky for teddies I say)

    Try and focus on regular relationships cause they offer a lot of fulfilment for your life as well. And who knows what amazing things might develop out of them.

    Everything you're experiencing sounds pretty normal for us ABDLs, you'll do ok, just try and mix it up a bit.

  3. #3

    Default

    I have been going through quite a similar thing, so if you are crazy then i am too, but i don't think either of us are. It seems like it is a pretty normal emotion for Ab/Dl's unfortunately. I have thought about talking to a psychologist about the depressive side to all of this, but still haven't decided if it is worth it. I have talked to psychologists about a bunch of different aspects of my Infantilism in my life, but not my feelings of loneliness. My expressions of distress rather than manifest by crying come in ceasing to see the point of life if i cant find somebody who i can spend my life with who can appreciate me. It is very discouraging. What i try to remember, and usually helps me through it, is that i'm proud of myself for standing up for myself. For being fearless of people's opinions about how weird i might be. For going against the grain of normality in my society and my raising, trying to search out who i am, rather than who people think i am or could be. I think it is very satisfying that i have spent my efforts in inwardly accepting my emotions and needs. I am lucky too, because all of my close friends are accepting of my baby side, so at least i have that.

    I hope you can feel better. If anything think of this...thank goodness you are stubborn enough to be looking for the partner of your dreams, rather than the partner of an idealistic society definition of normal. Be happy that your determination will be able to drive you to finding that perfect one, who will understand you inside and out like nobody else in this world can, or has ever been. I feel bad for other people out there who have secrets that they keep from their partners, but hide it because of fear of acceptance. I'm pretty happy that the secret that we carry is only just weird, rather than immoral or dangerous, because this is really the deepest part of me, and if my future wife can meet the deepest part of me and love that side of me, then what else can i ask for in a partner.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Knowing that one day i'll probably reach that point in my life, it makes me happy, enough to try to push through all of this sadness.

  4. #4
    CrinklySiren

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Braddeh View Post
    Okay, so I thought I'd post this in here since this has been a problem plaguing me for quite a while, I've been pretty quiet about it in an attempt to figure out why myself. But to be honest, I don't think I can go at it alone anymore.

    For the past few months I've been indulging myself within the AB/DL community a bit more, I seem to be a bit more "into it" than I was beforehand and I think it's a good thing, I haven't been more happier with myself and I've been feeling a bit less "restraint" on how I feel in general.

    But at the same time, this is where my problem comes into play, since with feeling less restrained on my feelings, it's lead my AB side to slip in through the cracks more often while I'm in my adult mental state, often citing feelings of being lonely, episodes of depression and anxiety due to the perpetual fear of being alone.

    All of this really stems from the idea that my little side feels lonely not having anybody there to stimulate it physically, like on most cases whenever it comes through and tells me of those feelings above, it's often telling me; "I just want a hug." because whenever that comes through, my body just desperately wants the sensation of someone being there and holding me tightly.

    But instead, since nobody is there to do it, my body just gives off this chill-like sensation that often leads to more of the same lonely and depressive feelings in my head.

    It's gotten worse recently though, on many occasions when that happens I've ended up to the brink of a mental breakdown or even worse actually crying (although that last part has only happened once for the record).

    My head and AB mind can't seem to take this anymore, I fear if this goes on it could end up in a really serious situation, like a full on meltdown in public or worse in front of my friends who don't even know I'm an AB/DL...

    It's those kinds of fears that pretty much fuel that depressive idea. I honestly dunno what to do.

    I know it may seem like I'm blowing this way outta proportion and...well, maybe I am. But to be honest, this is really how I feel about it right now, my head just can't take this kind of emotional stuff since I'm used to just keeping my emotions in check...

    But anyway, my point for this thread is. Is there something wrong with me? Am I just being over-dramatic about it? Or are my feelings regarding my AB/DL side justified somehow?

    In any case, I don't want this thread to seem like I'm just venting for the sake of making a vent thread. I wanna be able to get some idea of what the hell is going on in my head. And I really hope you guys and gals here at ADISC can help...

    'cause I sure as hell can't seem to do that myself.

    You are definitely not being dramatic and you are not alone. I know exactly what you are going through because I went through the exact same thing. Everything you're feeling is due to the fact that you have let your little side out more, and when we are little we generally want attention and love and to be with someone, so when that someone isnt there; we get depressed and think about how lonely it feels to be alone. and this someone doesn't even have to be a significant other or even of our sexual orientation or preference, just someone genuine to indulge us in our child-minds. Even being married, i felt like this for a very long time because my SO would never indulge me.

    Reading this post reminded me of myself because i went through literally the exact same thing word for word. It can be a very traumatic experience to let your inner child out and have no one to indulge you, and i hate to say it but very few ABDL's understand this because at this point its not just about being AB, this is about your inner child, or what some of us call our "little". Not saying its a bad or good thing, just that not all ABDL's have a "little" persona. That need for physical connection and for a hug or love are justified by the little you wanting someone to show you that they care.. Its really hard to explain but imagine that when you allow your mind to become little or when you break the flood-gates, you become quite literally a child... and there is nothing more dissorienting for a child than being alone... and i know that sometimes teddy bears and alone baby time just don't do it.. its just not enough. All i can honestly say to help you out is to start searching for like minded people in your area and try to make friends with either other littles or with open minded people. There are plenty of us out there, you just have to know where to look <3

    But don't think for a second that you are being dramatic or crazy, its hard to explain to others or for others to understand what you are going through, but you are most definitely not alone. If I were near you, I would give you attention and hug you all you want no little deserves to feel alone, and believe me you wont be alone forever, you'll find friends I did.

  5. #5

    Default

    Let me ask you this: Is the feeling you describe really about being an ABDL, or it is a general feeling of being alone with some ABDL trappings?

    I think sometimes we ABDLs get ourselves too worked up about being ABDLs, and as such we fail to properly integrate that aspect into the rest of our lives. We treat our ABDL sides as some separate thing that we have to have special time or special permission to enjoy, but frankly, that is an incorrect way to treat it. What you're describing here sounds to me like you're caught in that trap.

    I mean, wanting to be hugged, feeling lonely, wanting to be accepted, fearing rejection-none of these things are solely in the province of the ABDL. Quite the contrary, these are normal human emotions that we all feel. Yeah, ABDL desires add another facet to these, but at their root, they're the same feelings some random straight vanilla person feels as they look for "the one."

    I suppose, then, that my point is less direct advice and more potential perspective. At the very least, don't pin everything on the ABDL side. Instead, try to look at it from a more integrated perspective. Perhaps that will help you figure out what you need to figure out.

  6. #6
    CrinklySiren

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by GoldDragonAurkarm View Post
    Let me ask you this: Is the feeling you describe really about being an ABDL, or it is a general feeling of being alone with some ABDL trappings?
    Assuming the OP is a little, this would not be the case. As i mentioned in my response, i have/had a wife who let me be and i still felt that initial loneliness. There is a big difference between being an Adult Baby and being a Little (I know to some people it sounds outrageous, but its not) there are people who are just adults that like to be treated and like to behave like babies, but that is what seperates Ageplay from Littles/Inner Children. I even had friends who showed interest and wanted to learn more about my Little lifestyle, but because they werent little and wouldnt indulge me (not that i asked them for it anyway), i still felt lonely despite being surrounded by acceptance. As i mentioned before, when you are little you feel like a child and for a child to feel alone is a painful thing.

  7. #7

    Default

    Seems like some similar things of myself... May I'm not so into AB, may more DL, but for the description it's not important.

    As a teenager I was in some mix of "hate myself" for be as I'm (asshole for be into childish things) and tryed to reject that out of myself by lot of ways, like alcohol, drugs, bad friends... From my 13 I know I'm not alone in this, but for me it didn't mean anything. But nothing of that didn't work, passed for purges, but always I returned. I was scaried about be caught bu my friends. My mother found out. List is bigger, but there's nothing worse than hate myself. Years ago, when I fucked up all what I could, so I started live alone. Purges are out. I live alone and I'm more resistent and powerfull. May it's for stoped drugs and change of ambience and friends.

    Sometimes I'm very angry of myself when I'm doing something wrongly, but just not for be as I'm.

    But I crashed with another class of problems, like a bitch my ex or some assholed friends (just they aren't my friends anymore.)

    Really is better be alone before have some bad company.

    My actual friends mostly don't know about this secret side and who know is into this to, so the deal is... to have separated things in life, nothing more, but nothing less. Diapers with diaper friends, rest of things for all.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by CrinklyEmilyLG View Post
    Assuming the OP is a little, this would not be the case. As i mentioned in my response, i have/had a wife who let me be and i still felt that initial loneliness. There is a big difference between being an Adult Baby and being a Little (I know to some people it sounds outrageous, but its not) there are people who are just adults that like to be treated and like to behave like babies, but that is what seperates Ageplay from Littles/Inner Children. I even had friends who showed interest and wanted to learn more about my Little lifestyle, but because they werent little and wouldnt indulge me (not that i asked them for it anyway), i still felt lonely despite being surrounded by acceptance. As i mentioned before, when you are little you feel like a child and for a child to feel alone is a painful thing.
    I have to agree. I thin there is a significant difference between being an ageplayer, and an actual little. For me, there is a strong sense of emotion tied to my regression, and for that period of time, I often forget about all of my adult responsibilities, and start to feel like a child. It is sad to feel alone in those moments of time.

  9. #9

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by ozbub View Post
    Sorry you're feeling so down buddy, but it's good that you're talking this out. You know, this craps going to plague you in some way all your life I think so try to chill a bit. It sounds like you've been having a pretty good time, but maybe you've been over indulging... Sometimes a lack of real life balance can leave you feeling flat about everything, even the stuff that usually makes you happiest.

    I know that you desire someone to embrace your little side, and it can be nice, but it's not that easy to come by and even in my case with an accepting partner, she's not always accommodating when I might really need that kind of a cuddle. (Lucky for teddies I say)

    Try and focus on regular relationships cause they offer a lot of fulfilment for your life as well. And who knows what amazing things might develop out of them.

    Everything you're experiencing sounds pretty normal for us ABDLs, you'll do ok, just try and mix it up a bit.
    Thing is though Oz, I haven't really been "overindulging" as much as you think, mostly I'm just restricting myself to wearing whenever I can/at night and mainly just websites, forums and other private communities.

    My normal life is just as good as ever, if anything I've been focusing more and more on my regular relationships almost as much as my relationships/friendships with people in this here community.

    Nothing's really changed on that front so my real life balance is more or less the same in a way.

    But thanks for the reply, I do appreciate it



    Quote Originally Posted by Tyger View Post
    I have been going through quite a similar thing, so if you are crazy then i am too, but i don't think either of us are. It seems like it is a pretty normal emotion for Ab/Dl's unfortunately. I have thought about talking to a psychologist about the depressive side to all of this, but still haven't decided if it is worth it. I have talked to psychologists about a bunch of different aspects of my Infantilism in my life, but not my feelings of loneliness. My expressions of distress rather than manifest by crying come in ceasing to see the point of life if i cant find somebody who i can spend my life with who can appreciate me. It is very discouraging. What i try to remember, and usually helps me through it, is that i'm proud of myself for standing up for myself. For being fearless of people's opinions about how weird i might be. For going against the grain of normality in my society and my raising, trying to search out who i am, rather than who people think i am or could be. I think it is very satisfying that i have spent my efforts in inwardly accepting my emotions and needs. I am lucky too, because all of my close friends are accepting of my baby side, so at least i have that.

    I hope you can feel better. If anything think of this...thank goodness you are stubborn enough to be looking for the partner of your dreams, rather than the partner of an idealistic society definition of normal. Be happy that your determination will be able to drive you to finding that perfect one, who will understand you inside and out like nobody else in this world can, or has ever been. I feel bad for other people out there who have secrets that they keep from their partners, but hide it because of fear of acceptance. I'm pretty happy that the secret that we carry is only just weird, rather than immoral or dangerous, because this is really the deepest part of me, and if my future wife can meet the deepest part of me and love that side of me, then what else can i ask for in a partner.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Knowing that one day i'll probably reach that point in my life, it makes me happy, enough to try to push through all of this sadness.
    It's good to hear I'm not alone in this then, I don't go to a psychologist like you do, but I do get what you're saying, if I was in your situation I would probably try and talk it out with my psychologist about both ends, seems kinda pointless to just bottle them up with someone like him/her.

    Friends, family and SO's on the other hand...not so much..

    But yeah, I am hoping that there is someone out there who is a vanilla who would be okay with this side of me at some point, if not, I'll keep on being determined to find one, no point being pessimistic about that end.



    Quote Originally Posted by CrinklyEmilyLG View Post
    You are definitely not being dramatic and you are not alone. I know exactly what you are going through because I went through the exact same thing. Everything you're feeling is due to the fact that you have let your little side out more, and when we are little we generally want attention and love and to be with someone, so when that someone isnt there; we get depressed and think about how lonely it feels to be alone. and this someone doesn't even have to be a significant other or even of our sexual orientation or preference, just someone genuine to indulge us in our child-minds. Even being married, i felt like this for a very long time because my SO would never indulge me.

    Reading this post reminded me of myself because i went through literally the exact same thing word for word. It can be a very traumatic experience to let your inner child out and have no one to indulge you, and i hate to say it but very few ABDL's understand this because at this point its not just about being AB, this is about your inner child, or what some of us call our "little". Not saying its a bad or good thing, just that not all ABDL's have a "little" persona. That need for physical connection and for a hug or love are justified by the little you wanting someone to show you that they care.. Its really hard to explain but imagine that when you allow your mind to become little or when you break the flood-gates, you become quite literally a child... and there is nothing more dissorienting for a child than being alone... and i know that sometimes teddy bears and alone baby time just don't do it.. its just not enough. All i can honestly say to help you out is to start searching for like minded people in your area and try to make friends with either other littles or with open minded people. There are plenty of us out there, you just have to know where to look <3

    But don't think for a second that you are being dramatic or crazy, its hard to explain to others or for others to understand what you are going through, but you are most definitely not alone. If I were near you, I would give you attention and hug you all you want no little deserves to feel alone, and believe me you wont be alone forever, you'll find friends I did.
    I think that does make sense a bit, especially considering that my little side does tend to be more clingy and more wanting of attention than anything else, it's something I'm not sure that I like but at the same time I think that I kinda do if I'm wanting it more than anything.

    Thing is though, I consider myself Asexual at this point, although I do feel like I could be in some form of intimate relationship, I don't feel..well, "sexually" attracted to a gender, if at all. It's all purely a emotional thing with me.

    And yeah, being alone when in a little state of mind is jarring and somewhat traumatic for me, considering that my little side hates the feeling that being alone with no-one but a teddy or some kind of plushie to keep me company, it's that kinda situations that make me feel all sad and stuff when my little side is out.

    And thanks Emily, that's really nice to hear, I do have friends across the state I live in, it's just a matter of would they be alright with this side of me (especially considering I've seen a few jest about the more...well, embarrassing parts of this lifestyle online).



    Quote Originally Posted by GoldDragonAurkarm View Post
    Let me ask you this: Is the feeling you describe really about being an ABDL, or it is a general feeling of being alone with some ABDL trappings?

    I think sometimes we ABDLs get ourselves too worked up about being ABDLs, and as such we fail to properly integrate that aspect into the rest of our lives. We treat our ABDL sides as some separate thing that we have to have special time or special permission to enjoy, but frankly, that is an incorrect way to treat it. What you're describing here sounds to me like you're caught in that trap.

    I mean, wanting to be hugged, feeling lonely, wanting to be accepted, fearing rejection-none of these things are solely in the province of the ABDL. Quite the contrary, these are normal human emotions that we all feel. Yeah, ABDL desires add another facet to these, but at their root, they're the same feelings some random straight vanilla person feels as they look for "the one."

    I suppose, then, that my point is less direct advice and more potential perspective. At the very least, don't pin everything on the ABDL side. Instead, try to look at it from a more integrated perspective. Perhaps that will help you figure out what you need to figure out.
    Considering I don't usually get that lonely easily when I'm in a normal state of mind, hell, most of my time is spent on my computer really so I'm kinda used to it xD

    If anything, I just think my little side just keeps on popping up when I don't want it to, constantly bringing about thoughts of absolute sadness and all that stuff I've mentioned before, because as I've stated before, I don't like being alone when I'm in that little mind-state.

    It mainly just amplifies my emotions for better or for worse. And if it's feeling lonely, it gets really bad at certain times. As I've stated above.

    So, really, it's more just my little mentality coming out when that happens more than my loneliness being trapped by those feelings as a "little".

  10. #10
    CrinklySiren

    Default

    Thats the gift and curse of being a little. When we regress and let our inner child out to play, our emotions are boosted. Love feels 10x richer, but with that, emotional pain also hurts 10x more. I have had moments where negative things happened to me in my little space, and it left a traumatizing scar on my psyche... whereas had that event happened in my adult mind, it would've been no big deal. Its pretty intense and quite the fascinating subject because its like we morph ourselves from adult to child in every way except physical. I kinda see it as a super power xD

    but like every super hero with a super power, it comes at a price. Beautifully mapped mentality plagued by an inescapable feeling of neglect and loneliness when not given the proper attention. I dealt many years with this, so much that some times when I am finally able to let my little be free again, i break down crying like a lost little girl, and when i get back in my adult mind im perfectly fine.

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