Hello friends, I haven't been on here in a while but over the past few years I've been going through some weird emotional shit and I don't know if it's stemmed from this whole ABDL thing or something else.
I'll start from the way beginning...
The emotional stuff I'm talking about (mainly) is my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 4 years. We started dating when I was 16 and he was 18 in summer of 2010. We had a normal relationship and we'd partake in normal and vanilla sexual activities and we'd be passionate and all that jazz. We had a lovely time being together and around late july/early august I started to lose my shit emotionally. It had been the 6 month anniversary of my mom dying so I started to feel really crummy and awful and then my boyfriend went off to college so I felt really alone.
My dad and I never had a nice relationship he was always so hard on me and would hit me and whatever, I honestly don't blame him, he lost the love of his life and I was always such a shit to him that he probably felt like he had no choice but to hit me. I eventually tried killing myself in late september of 2010, but obviously I did not succeed. I went to a crazy-bin for a few weeks and when I got out of there in the middle of October I felt different. (Also I went to live with my sister on the other side of town, so I felt lost because everything I knew from my childhood wasn't around me. It was alien and uncomfortable)
I no longer had any sexual feelings for anything but my fricken fantasies (all abdl of course). When my boyfriend and I would do it I just felt anxiety and sadness. One time in late december I had an anxiety attack during sex and it made him feel shitty, like he was raping me or something, but he wasn't. I was just going through some weird emotional thing.
For an entire year, we did not do it. Nothing. I just didn't 'feel' it (unless it was about diapers. I started feeling really guilty about this fetish). He would always ask me "are you not attracted to me anymore?" "did i do something wrong?" "are you seeing someone else?" and I'd be upset, why would he think that? I just dont feel anything anymore. I think a part of me died when I tried to off myself.
Another year rolled by. We'd have sex but mainly I would bite my tongue and just let him do his thing because I felt bad about not being able to do anything. I would tell him this and he would say maybe it's just my anti-depressants or something. It probably was, but if I don't take them I get really upset and want to die. Basically I want to die all the time to be honest, but my pills suppress the desire to do something about it. They also suppress everything else (sexually at least).
At this point I graduated high school, I sat all summer and now it was september 2012. I wasn't in college. I didn't want to do anything with my life because I didn't know what I wanted to do in life, and I still don't. I would basically be home all the time and masturbate to fricken abdl shit and I finally joined this site and asked everyone if I should come out of the abdl closet to him, I ended up doing so. He was happy that I shared this with him, but I felt weird knowing that it was not my secret anymore.
He was really into it, and so was I. I got my groove back, but only for a little while. I started feeling awful again and thinking stuff like "I'm a sick fuck what am I even doing" and "I feel like now I'm not even seen as an adult anymore why the hell would I tell him". I was embarrassed whenever he would bring abdl stuff up, like if he saw something online about abdl stuff or if we were out in public he would see something 'babyish' and be like "you need that" or something stupid like that.
He wouldn't mean to upset me, but I would be upset. I don't want to paint a picture of him being an asshole who upsets his girlfriend all the time, I just get upset over stupid shit. I'm sensitive. He's a wonderful person and I love him dearly.
Sometimes when we snuggle as adults he tries to hold me like a baby or whatever and I get so fucking mad, (some of you by now are probably thinking "wow what is this girls problem? I would kill for something like this" and I'm sorry for sounding selfish but something is just wrong with me) anyways- I would, and still do, get so mad "why the fuck are you trying to baby me all the time? I'm a fucking adult, leave me the fuck alone".
I feel like I don't want his perception of me to be a "baby" or a "little" but an adult woman because I don't want him to think he has control over me all the time, he doesn't act like he does but I always feel like he thinks that he does and it's driving me crazy.
I don't know what else to write, I just want someone else to say that they understand all of this, and that I'm not crazy or alone or something and that this makes sense to someone other than myself.