i am sorry if you find this sad or disturbing but i really need to talk about why this is happening to me. i am estranged from my own family because they never knew how much harm they where doing to me when i was younger and how it has affected me. i was NOT properly diagnosed with asperger syndome until i was 32 in 2009 and this should have happened back in the 80's or 90's when i was growing up. mom and dad are average parents but they never really got me diagnosed because they thought i was just fine and never really accepted the fact that they was a special needs child because i was smart.(my IQ is a 136)
you see they thought all i needed to be just fine was better ACADEMIC skills and the local school system wanted to put me in special education classes because they thought i could not handle mainstream classes. they where both right. i was alright ACADEMICALLY but not SOCIALLY and i never got the treatment i needed to be able overcome those issues. when i started to go to work i just could not get along with other people on the job because i had NEVER learned how and as a result along with other issues i simply could not function in society.
at some point during my teenage years i just could not handle mom and dad tormenting me with their idea of discipline and i would eventually in order to deal with the pain of what they did to me was simply to never talk to them unless i needed help or something. i would walk 10 miles a day looking for work and be told i was a freeloader by my own family and this resulted in me literally turning on them in order to get them to stop hurting me.
i have never apologized to them for doing what i still clearly see as a necessity to simply keep my sanity intact even to this day. now they told me they cannot give me a ride to their house this year and the truth of the matter is i can't afford a taxi and there are no buses that go out there on that day. the truth of the matter is i am seriously contemplating never being able to see them again because of something as simple as transportation issues and i wonder is this really a bad thing? our relationship is so toxic that i think it might be better for me to never even see them again anyways because the holidays are something i have come to dread for the last 15 years rather then enjoy because of my estrangement to them. should i even be sad right now because i can't feel a thing in terms of a emotion right now? which can only mean 1 of 2 things either i am about to come to grips with this reality and start healing or i am about to have a total nervous breakdown because i am in that much shock right now.
i need counsel from multiple people right now because no matter what happens or how this falls out i know that this will affect me the rest of my natural life and i really need to know how not to screw this up anymore if i did already.