Why can't I be simple and cute and curtsy at your command? Because my hands are too muddy and bloody and I've worked with sweat and tears to sail me to where I am today. I have spent phases of spinning my wheels and burn outs and I can't let go of my firm grip on life by the balls just yet. Why don't I just swoon over you? Because I've worked too hard, I've been screwed over and screwed up and recovered myself by the boot straps.
Trust me, I want to be like most lil girls and coy women and just melt into you, but those are muscles you feel when you hold me. I want to "let go" and be the "little princess" I never was, but my hard ethics won't turn me lose to your embrace. While you're cooing to me over how cute I am, my thoughts are "I wonder what the GOP is doing to impede Obamacare today," or "I wonder if my Martial arts instructor wanted me to learn the 5th block on my list or just the 2nd one" and because I stand tough, it doesn't mean I won't sweep off my feet when the door to the nursery is opened. Believe me.
This is straight from my heart, or a phantom of it, because the bi-polar meds have left me as an outline of what I once was.
What does this mean for a Daddy? It means I'll require more discipline, more hardness, and all and all, more patience when it comes to regressing. I know that "Daddies need their little girl too" because it helps them to feel well, in charge, and loved, and all, but when I won't budge, I can hardly apologize. I've been screwed over too many times to deposit the most intimate scrap of my soul into your hands.
It started with the rape. Torrents of it. Then came the abuse, and now, I'm dancing with neglect and piecing myself together at the seems at the crux of it all.
Yet I want to be loved, and more importantly LOVE, as too many LGs and ABs in this lifestyle have bad habits of thinking the affection revolves around them. Well, they're babies, why shouldn't it? It doesn't mean I can't put my pants on over my diaper and pay the bills as well. But I've dived head-first into too many relationships with this mentality and they just kept taking and taking, so now I'm more of a solid, emotionless rock than the "baby" I want to be.
Maybe one day I'll find you, the one who can melt this ice, and the one who isn't afraid of me, and more importantly, the one I'm not afraid of. One day I'll find someone I can tremble against and look at with honesty and not genuine terror. But I'm keeping my dukes up until then.