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Thread: Sex and Sadomasochism (Reasons why I don't want to leave my boyfriend)

  1. #1

    Default Sex and Sadomasochism (Reasons why I don't want to leave my boyfriend)

    Thanks to myself and some recent other sites I've been on, I can classify myself as a sadomasochist. However, I am asexual, and sex hurts me.

    This couldn't be more up-in-the-air then when my boyfriend and I make love, which leads to intercourse. One on hand I enjoy the pain rush, the endorphins, etc. But I feel like I'm compromising my honor. Sex is a heavy red light for me and I just kind of, well, let him tread all over me.

    I also get this way when he jokes and he tells me, "You have a vagina so I automatically don't respect you". Again, I despise this for obvious reasons, but this is just a joke, and really? I'm not sure. He also kids that he would leave me if I don't allow him full frontal intercourse and will find another woman who will.

    As someone who has been an abuse survivor, part of me is shy to stand up to him, out of fear that he would leave me.

    I'd rather have a loving Dom who wouldn't be shy of inflicting pain on me when we consent to it, and vice versa, someone to diaper me on top of it all, but, (shrug), ya know how that goes. I'd take that over a disrespectful vanilla relationship.

    But you know what is the glue that holds us together?

    Music.

    Aside from the occasional nasty jokes and unwanted intercourse, we make music together. He produces music and I rap, and I'm working on producing music, electronic music, such as Drum N Bass. Without him, I would no longer have access to the studio, so I'm basically compromising my honor for a musical career.

    What would you do in this situation?

    Thank you for your time.

  2. #2

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    I don't think I'm qualified to tell you what to do, but I can point out some things as an observer with no stake in the matter.

    1. Sex shouldn't hurt. Either you're (you as in both of you) doing it wrong, or there's some kind of organic problem. Organic problem would seem the least likely at your tender age. A wild guess says its because you're not aroused, and thus not lubricating. The options appear to me as a) don't do it b)procure some artificial lube or c)find someone or something that arouses you.

    Unfortunately, I can't predict what he might do if you stopped accepting deposits. Could be "Oh well", could be "I'm outta here"

    2. No one is irreplaceable in a business situation, which is what your music endeavors are. He's not, and you're not. There are other studios and other musicians to work with. At least you understand why you're doing what you're doing. Its worth re-evaluating from time to time. Scary as it may seem, breaking out of your semi-comfortable rut is an option. Again, at your age its easier because you've got all kinds of time to recover if the change doesn't work out.

  3. #3

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    I have to say that as someone who is asexual myself I can fully understand where you are coming from with regards to sex BUT I really think you need to look at your relationship as a whole at this point.
    If someone loves you they love you for who YOU are and will respect your wishes and desires, having someone be as disrespectful and plain selfish as saying "You have a vagina so I automatically don't respect you" and also telling you he would leave to find another woman if you don't consent to HIS wishes is just wrong on so many levels. To me this certainly isn't love and I would be gone in a heartbeat !

    I wish you all the best but please remember you are a special person and deserve to be treated with respect and love.

    With regards to the music, I also love D+B and have for many years so I can appreciate the desire to create the music you love but I couldn't stay with someone who thought of me this way just for the fact of using his studio and making music together. What you should really be saying to yourself is "screw this jerk I don't need him to make music I will save up and buy my own studio equipment and do this alone" yeah it'' probably a scary thought but hey you'll be a stronger person in the end when you DO make it.

    Think carefully and I wish you all the luck in the world.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyTak View Post
    I also get this way when he jokes and he tells me, "You have a vagina so I automatically don't respect you". Again, I despise this for obvious reasons, but this is just a joke, and really? I'm not sure. He also kids that he would leave me if I don't allow him full frontal intercourse and will find another woman who will.

    As someone who has been an abuse survivor, part of me is shy to stand up to him, out of fear that he would leave me.
    These things are raising big, big red flags for me. His behavior sounds so similar to abusive men. This was how someone very mean treated me, and he made such similar 'jokes' and snide comments. Anyone who continues to make jokes after knowing it hurts you is doing it to hurt you. They know you're not laughing. If it was an innocent failed joke that ended in hurt feelings, it would have been buried immediately. So, this is not innocent. He knows what he's doing.

    It's also a common tactic in the 'pick up artist' community to say hurtful things and declare it to be a joke. So that way, if the woman gets hurt and calls you out on it, you can say she's a frigid bitch with no sense of humor. Here's some common tactics of the misogynist pick up artist community. Any of those sound familiar?

    Even if this isn't part of that dreadful game, it strikes me as a very abusive relationship, at least emotionally/mentally and sexually. I know that you are into S&M, but it's supposed to be consensual. You can pretend it's non-consensual, but in your heads you know you agreed to it beforehand and there's usually supposed to be a safe word in place so that you can opt out at any time. So, while more eccentric and taboo, S&M should be exactly as consensual as vanilla sex.

    Also, you referred to sex with him as 'unwanted intercourse.' Did you know that it is possible to rape your spouse or partner? No means no, for whatever reason. Just to hear yourself say the word no is a suitable reason. If you don't want sex at that moment, it should never be forced on you. Even your own husband doesn't have the right to jam his dick in you after you said no.

    It's hard to tell where you're at in this relationship. As an outsider, I can only assess that you do not feel respected, he hurts your feelings purposefully, threatens to leave you if you don't agree to sex, and he is forcing sex on you against your will. Those alone are terrifically bad signs. It will likely escalate from here. Almost all abusive relationships do escalate to higher and higher levels.

    So, my advice is obviously to get out now, while you still can. While it escalates, your leaving will become more and more dangerous. But you can still manage it with a little help. Here's some ideas for what to do.

    Every day that you remain in this unhealthy and dangerous relationship, it is harder and harder to leave than the day before. I'm afraid this would mean ending your musical partnership, too. You need to be far, far away from someone like this. Normal guys don't make jokes like that in order to make you feel bad about yourself. Normal guys don't force sex on you. In fact, a normal guy would feel very bad if he knew/realized you were in pain at all during sex. A normal relationship feels safe and should never decrease your self esteem. Here's some other great things to look for in a healthy, good relationship.

    I think you can get out of this! You realize something isn't right, and what an amazing first step that is. You're aware. Now that you're aware, please continue with a plan to leave. Picture your future with him, forced sex, insults, rude jokes, and probably even worse things down the line. Now picture your future away from him. There are so many more possibilities. The world is your oyster. And you can find someone who deserves your love. You can find a guy who will treat you as an equal partner. There are plenty of nice, loving, good men out there. And now you'll know what to avoid and what to look for! Seek therapy, too, if you are able to. These kinds of relationships can really play tricks on your brain and make you think you're the one to blame, that you're crazy, that something is wrong with you. With some help you can get out of those ideas, too, and heal your mind after this.

  5. #5
    Astra

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    Quote Originally Posted by BabyTak View Post
    This couldn't be more up-in-the-air then when my boyfriend and I make love, which leads to intercourse. One on hand I enjoy the pain rush, the endorphins, etc. But I feel like I'm compromising my honor. Sex is a heavy red light for me and I just kind of, well, let him tread all over me.

    I also get this way when he jokes and he tells me, "You have a vagina so I automatically don't respect you". Again, I despise this for obvious reasons, but this is just a joke, and really? I'm not sure. He also kids that he would leave me if I don't allow him full frontal intercourse and will find another woman who will.
    Sex is natural and we would die out as a species if we stopped having it. If you really feel that you can't have sex without compromising your honor, that's a much bigger problem than your boyfriend's unfunny jokes.

    Speaking of jokes, he isn't kidding when he says that he'll leave if you won't have sex. Men have a much, much higher sex drive than women, and very few men would be willing to stay in a sexless relationship. If you simply can't bear to have sex with him, you should end the relationship now instead of dragging out a situation where both of you are unsatisfied.




    Quote Originally Posted by Frogsy View Post
    It's hard to tell where you're at in this relationship. As an outsider, I can only assess that you do not feel respected, he hurts your feelings purposefully, threatens to leave you if you don't agree to sex, and he is forcing sex on you against your will. Those alone are terrifically bad signs. It will likely escalate from here. Almost all abusive relationships do escalate to higher and higher levels.

    So, my advice is obviously to get out now, while you still can. While it escalates, your leaving will become more and more dangerous. But you can still manage it with a little help. Here's some ideas for what to do.

    Every day that you remain in this unhealthy and dangerous relationship, it is harder and harder to leave than the day before.
    Lol this is ridiculous. Do you have a women's studies degree?

    Expecting to have sex in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is NOT abuse. "He hurts your feelings" is NOT abuse. Nothing the OP mentioned is abusive unless you define the word so loosely that it loses all meaning. You're just encouraging her to see herself as a victim and wallow in victimhood.

  6. #6

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    No, I'm not. I'm empowering her to leave a douchebag who OP said inflicts 'unwanted intercourse' upon her. I don't want her to be a victim who sits around unhappily with a guy who has sex with her against her will. I want her to leave and be stronger for doing so. I don't want her to bow down to her BF who openly states he has no respect for her. I want her to grow a pair and ditch him forever and not look back again. She is afraid to stand up to him, according to what she wrote. Terrible sign. Fearing your own BF shouldn't be part of a relationship. She can get out now and she has the power to do it, and the power to find a person that is more suitable for her needs.

    Abuse starts off like that. It starts out with these little 'jokes' about how you're of lesser value. Then it gets worse. If you think "unwanted intercourse" forced on OP is not abusive, it's shocking. Really shocking.

  7. #7
    Astra

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Frogsy View Post
    I don't want her to be a victim who sits around unhappily with a guy who has sex with her against her will.
    He isn't forcing her to have sex against her will, and she isn't a victim. She made it clear that she has sex with him in exchange for studio access. If she hates sex and thinks the trade-off isn't worth it, she's welcome to ditch him, but the fact she doesn't enjoy her end of the bargain doesn't make it abusive.



    Quote Originally Posted by Frogsy View Post
    If you think "unwanted intercourse" forced on OP is not abusive, it's shocking. Really shocking.
    Having consensual sex when your partner wants to and you don't isn't abuse. It's something everyone does at some point or another for the sake of maintaining a relationship. If you really think that's abusive or that it's some weird form of pseudo-rape, it's shocking. Really shocking.

  8. #8

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    So basically, you are trading sex for studio time. This is prostitution. I don't have a problem with it, but it is what it is. My overall point, is that if it makes you feel bad, you don't need to go through it. If that means leaving your boyfriend? And that's what it means. But you can't have it both ways. You can either enjoy it, or you cannot. You can't take it, and then say that you're bothered by it, but not do anything about it. If you're okay with the current arrangement, you can't really bitch about it later. It doesn't work. You're getting something out of it.

  9. #9

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    I've been through hell. I kid you not. You need to set boundaries for yourself. When you start respecting and loving yourself you will do it and know what I mean. You need to have him stop those comments today. If he wants to threaten to leave, c ya!! I allowed people at work and home to beat me down which led to events in my life so destructive I'm surprised I'm even here today. Sorry to be so blunt. I could put a softer more detailed approach but it wold take a lot to type and folks would get tired of reading.






    Quote Originally Posted by BabyTak View Post
    Thanks to myself and some recent other sites I've been on, I can classify myself as a sadomasochist. However, I am asexual, and sex hurts me.

    This couldn't be more up-in-the-air then when my boyfriend and I make love, which leads to intercourse. One on hand I enjoy the pain rush, the endorphins, etc. But I feel like I'm compromising my honor. Sex is a heavy red light for me and I just kind of, well, let him tread all over me.

    I also get this way when he jokes and he tells me, "You have a vagina so I automatically don't respect you". Again, I despise this for obvious reasons, but this is just a joke, and really? I'm not sure. He also kids that he would leave me if I don't allow him full frontal intercourse and will find another woman who will.

    As someone who has been an abuse survivor, part of me is shy to stand up to him, out of fear that he would leave me.

    I'd rather have a loving Dom who wouldn't be shy of inflicting pain on me when we consent to it, and vice versa, someone to diaper me on top of it all, but, (shrug), ya know how that goes. I'd take that over a disrespectful vanilla relationship.

    But you know what is the glue that holds us together?

    Music.

    Aside from the occasional nasty jokes and unwanted intercourse, we make music together. He produces music and I rap, and I'm working on producing music, electronic music, such as Drum N Bass. Without him, I would no longer have access to the studio, so I'm basically compromising my honor for a musical career.

    What would you do in this situation?

    Thank you for your time.

  10. #10

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Astra View Post
    He isn't forcing her to have sex against her will, and she isn't a victim. She made it clear that she has sex with him in exchange for studio access. If she hates sex and thinks the trade-off isn't worth it, she's welcome to ditch him, but the fact she doesn't enjoy her end of the bargain doesn't make it abusive.

    Having consensual sex when your partner wants to and you don't isn't abuse. It's something everyone does at some point or another for the sake of maintaining a relationship. If you really think that's abusive or that it's some weird form of pseudo-rape, it's shocking. Really shocking.
    I guess I find that really confusing. If OP wanted to trade sex for studio access, than that would be wanted intercourse, wouldn't it? That would be a willing bargain - although morally reprehensible and alarming on both sides of that coin. Maybe her wording threw me off, if that is the case. Any deals made I expect are wanted and agreed on, even under the table.

    If OP is willingly trading sex for studio time, then I agree it is not abusive. Then those other things, the signs of disrespect, are possible warning signs of the kind of guy to stay away from - but not abuse in and of itself. However, even unabusive, that kind of guy doesn't sound like a real winner of a guy to date to me. Sounds like an egotistical jerk. And who just bangs a girl in pain and doesn't care about that? It's weird, it's all kinds of messed up. I'm still in great favor of this relationship ending if at all possible.

    I'm quite confused though - OP, please change your wording if you meant sex as a bargain. You can't throw out statements like that when it's something you actually agree to. If these other people are wrong and you don't agree to it and that guy is holding you down or whatever, then just get out of that as soon as possible.

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