Thanks to myself and some recent other sites I've been on, I can classify myself as a sadomasochist. However, I am asexual, and sex hurts me.
This couldn't be more up-in-the-air then when my boyfriend and I make love, which leads to intercourse. One on hand I enjoy the pain rush, the endorphins, etc. But I feel like I'm compromising my honor. Sex is a heavy red light for me and I just kind of, well, let him tread all over me.
I also get this way when he jokes and he tells me, "You have a vagina so I automatically don't respect you". Again, I despise this for obvious reasons, but this is just a joke, and really? I'm not sure. He also kids that he would leave me if I don't allow him full frontal intercourse and will find another woman who will.
As someone who has been an abuse survivor, part of me is shy to stand up to him, out of fear that he would leave me.
I'd rather have a loving Dom who wouldn't be shy of inflicting pain on me when we consent to it, and vice versa, someone to diaper me on top of it all, but, (shrug), ya know how that goes. I'd take that over a disrespectful vanilla relationship.
But you know what is the glue that holds us together?
Aside from the occasional nasty jokes and unwanted intercourse, we make music together. He produces music and I rap, and I'm working on producing music, electronic music, such as Drum N Bass. Without him, I would no longer have access to the studio, so I'm basically compromising my honor for a musical career.
What would you do in this situation?
Thank you for your time.