So idk if this is the right place to post this but I just wanted to post this somewhere on adisc.
For those of you who don't know, I'm MtF transgender (no, i'm not cisfemale), and I've been hiding my desire to transition for a while now. This past weekend, I had my final meltdown. When i say final meltdown i mean I was ready to kill myself.
So on friday I went shopping with my wife (mind you, before i came out to her, she thought I was gender fluid, as that is what I thought a long time ago) and i bought a bunch of new clothes. We eventually went home and I tried on my new clothes (im not comfortable enough yet to try it on in the store) as well as my halloween costume (im gonna be red riding hood) and even though I felt pretty and beautiful and exquisitely female... she told me that I looked like a cheap drag hooker... mind you, this is how my wife is, she is abrasive and harsh and very critical, at the same time i had my other friend who was there telling me that I looked pretty, but hearing my wife call me what she called me made me doubt anyone elses comments. Clearly, what she said destroyed me inside and it made me utterly sad. She then got upset with me about being sad and I spent the rest of the day trying to force a smile until finally she couldn't take it anymore and she began ignoring me. I got upset because it seems like she can never show my sympathy or compassion when Im upset or depressed which is when i most need it... and in my episode, i decided i was done not being taken seriously, I was done being ignored and not being shown compassion... So I left my apartment abruptly and took the car and drove off (mind you, ive never done this before).
I was driving recklessly without a seatbelt, texting and driving with the intention of veering off the road somewhere (it was late at night so the roads were empty, no risk of harming others, but even so as selfish as it may sound, i was feeling very "fuck the world and its ignorant ways") Eventually my wife began to call me worried about where i was, i ignored every call I got.. Then i started getting calls from my mom and my big sister... The only call i answered was hers. I answered crying because I just couldn't do it anymore, i couldn't live like this, in fear/in hiding/in pain, I had never been so ready to end my life once and for all. I felt like a freak, like a psycho like a selfish idiot who didn't deserve happiness.
Eventually my mom called me enough for me to get annoyed and answer, so I picked up and I yelled for a bit, i began texting my wife back telling her that her apologies meant shit to me now and that none of it mattered anymore because tonight was it for me. My mom miraculously managed to calm me down enough to the point where I would stop somewhere so she could meet up with me and talk.
Eventually she got to me and we got to talking and I came out to her and told her everything, i told her how I was murderously unhappy in my own body, how I feel like im misrepresented in every way, and how the dysphoria is seriously tearing me up inside and I can't do it anymore... She began to cry and i began to freak out thinking it was because i had "failed" as a son, and then she told me "I hate to see you this way, if transitioning is what it takes to be finally rid of your depression then so be it!". I totally wasnt expecting that. She told me she would rather have a daughter instead of a dead son. I felt so relieved... she even offered to pay for the therapy and hormones if necessary.. Anyway, eventually I went back home after my wife told me "whatever it is that you are dealing with, we can work on it, I love you".
Fast forward to yesterday, I was texting my BFF, and for some reason i had grown an irrational fear that my wife would find out from someone else (and there is nothing worse than finding out from someone else) and i told my BFF to please not accidentally blurt anything out and that I would tell my wife when I'm ready. She unintentionally made me feel guilty for not telling my wife so by the end of the day, i felt like I would just take the leap and say Fuck it. And i did... and it went shockingly well... i was expecting hellfire to rise from the ground and the skies to blacken and the eye of sauron to pierce into my soul.
This is how it went: I asked her if she knew what kind of body i wanted to have, and she said "yeah, you want a feminine body", and i told her that the reason i was going to therapy was because of the possibility that i might be happier as a girl, that my entire life ive been unhappy as a boy and I just cant handle it anymore. and she responded "no shit, thats obvious".. i couldn't believe it... this whole time i thought my wife was oblivious to all this... she said "You've always been "special" you dont behave like any other guy does... you're emotional, over-analyzing, way too self-conscious, you act like a girl... even my parents see it.. and they only see you like once a year." I was so relieved to see her react like this. From past experiences of coming out as ABDL or coming out as (believed to be) gender fluid, they had scarred me indefinitely and made me fear coming out with anything else... but this went so well that I was expecting to wake up eventually... the only thing that she fears is 1. she wants to have kids conventionally. 2. she isnt a lesbian and is attracted to men not women, and 3. if we DO have kids, the legal issues that (i wasnt aware of this) pertain to custody in terms of trans-parents.
Sorry if this got too long, i just really wanted to share my coming out story with the adisc community and I hope it gives people hope, and I would love some feedback
tl;dr - I came out to my mom and my wife and they both reacted completely 100% opposite of what I expected, and what I expected was for it to go horrifically wrong.