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Thread: Is it worth it?

  1. #1

    Unhappy Is it worth it?

    I posted awhile ago about introducing AB/DL into a strong relationship here, and recently the relationship I thought was so strong has not been going well.

    After a few weeks of back and forth and a lot of talking, we finally got to the issue. My girlfriend is not comfortable with thinking about me as an AB/DL. It still bothers her. Though I have told her it's ok, and that I'm fine with boundaries and doing things on my own, she has expressed concern that it's not fair to me that she can't love every part of me, including my little side. She thinks it is important for me to think about all of this and whether I can stay in a relationship wherein my partner may never participate or even want to talk about diapers/baby things/etc. She also thinks that it may be helpful for me to "talk to someone" about it (meaning a therapist, psychiatrist, or the like).

    As crazy as it may sound, we are both still madly in love with one another. We are both still physically attracted to each other (she has told me this is the case despite how she feels about AB/DL). We love spending time together, and we want to try to make things work. It's just that this part of me seems to be hard for her to accept, even after more than a year of knowing about it. She has said that she wants to understand and that she wishes she could accept and love this part of me, but I think she's just trying to ease the pain. I don't know that she really does want to learn more or work on being more accepting. Anytime I've tried to talk to her about it she has been more than kind but clearly uncomfortable...so I tend to just not talk about it...

    So I guess my questions are these:

    1) Has anyone found talking to a professional helpful in dealing with relationships?
    2) Is finding someone who is more accepting of my little side worth throwing away a long-term, fantastic, loving relationship with a woman who feels uncomfortable with things AB/DL?
    3) Is it possible for someone who is still turned off by such things after a year to become more accepting over time?

  2. #2

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    first off I'm probably not the best person to comment on this as I haven't been in a long relationship like the one you describe, but this is the internet so here goes. Relationships are a give and take and I think ppl are fools if they think they can love every aspect of a person. This is no exception this woman doesn't love your ab/dl side, but she needs to understand hat it's just something she is going to have to deal and accept you for who you are, you've already agreed to do this by yourself and that's a lot, the fact that she sees you as an ab/dl is no ones fault but hers. So now to actually answer your questions.
    1. wouldn't know but it seems to me that all relationship professionals do is point out flaws in your relationship and that doesn't help much.
    2. If you really love her and she really loves you fetishes shouldn't matter don't throw a relationship away on that fact alone.
    3. I think so. Given time she will come to realize that the relationship isn't worth throwing away based off of fetishes or kinks because that's not what defines your character.
    Hope this helps didn't mean to offend you are her I'm just calling it like I see it.

  3. #3

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    Here's the most useful and useless answer you'll get: It depends on you and your girlfriend. All results in such a situation rely on the personalities of those involved. Hell, there's men who are gay that marry and have kids. I wouldn't be deeply shocked to hear ABs have had such luck in casting interests aside, and that some struck out in the first year.

    Take it easy, see how it goes. Don't stress over it too much.

  4. #4

    Default

    Well,

    I've been in a few committed relationships over the years, and many flings too...

    There is two things to look at from your side first...

    1- Make sure that your gf isn't either jealous or really uncomfortable with this part of you...
    2- Find and/or workout a way for you to practice this without her...

    On her jealous of this in you, I know it sounds wierd...but, I have known people that are really wanting this feeling of security and being taken care of, but are unable to express it ver fears of thier own.

    One gf I've had in the past exhibited this, but was unable to really articulate it in open conversation...found out later it was over some abuse, and this area was hyper sensitive and unable to really open up for quite some time...

    So, talk about this side with her, and explain the feelings you desire from this area instead of the actuall practice...

    Ex. Talk about the need to feel vulnerable and cared for, rather than how it's done...

    You, and her may indeed find out much more in this manner...it's very hard to articulate the underlying feelings, but even though it's hard it's worth it!

    Next, if this is what you really intend...

    Ex. Tell her it's ok that she is uncomfortable participating in this area, but you don't want to hide it, instead I can practice it on my own time, but still wish to be open and as transparent as possible.

    I'm not exactly how you feel...but, let her know it's a fetish, such as bondage, or etc...how you relate to it.

    Now, talking to a therapist is fine, and no one I know of has even been "hurt" seeing one...but it's not going to "cure" you of this desire, but may help in explaining the feelings that go with it to her.

    If you have a loving long term relationship, and it truly is, you won't want to throw that away...that's very disrespectful of the other person as well.

    Rather than look at it as one or the other, it may be easy to fill your desire and still maintain this very loving relationship...

    Communication is the way it will evolve and flourish, if you don't talk about things with each other it will fizzle...

    Communication is the water, love the air, and trust the nutrient without all three not much can grow...

    But with all three on proper balance your relationship will expand for the better...

    And remember respect each other, if you were into foot fetish, or even bi...none of these things alone will cause a relationship to fail, but stuffing the feelings over these practices will poison the soil, and cause things to become very different, and it's takes a long time for that to clean up as well...

    B

  5. #5
    CrinklySiren

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by palutheran7 View Post
    I posted awhile ago about introducing AB/DL into a strong relationship here, and recently the relationship I thought was so strong has not been going well.

    After a few weeks of back and forth and a lot of talking, we finally got to the issue. My girlfriend is not comfortable with thinking about me as an AB/DL. It still bothers her. Though I have told her it's ok, and that I'm fine with boundaries and doing things on my own, she has expressed concern that it's not fair to me that she can't love every part of me, including my little side. She thinks it is important for me to think about all of this and whether I can stay in a relationship wherein my partner may never participate or even want to talk about diapers/baby things/etc. She also thinks that it may be helpful for me to "talk to someone" about it (meaning a therapist, psychiatrist, or the like).

    As crazy as it may sound, we are both still madly in love with one another. We are both still physically attracted to each other (she has told me this is the case despite how she feels about AB/DL). We love spending time together, and we want to try to make things work. It's just that this part of me seems to be hard for her to accept, even after more than a year of knowing about it. She has said that she wants to understand and that she wishes she could accept and love this part of me, but I think she's just trying to ease the pain. I don't know that she really does want to learn more or work on being more accepting. Anytime I've tried to talk to her about it she has been more than kind but clearly uncomfortable...so I tend to just not talk about it...

    So I guess my questions are these:

    1) Has anyone found talking to a professional helpful in dealing with relationships?
    2) Is finding someone who is more accepting of my little side worth throwing away a long-term, fantastic, loving relationship with a woman who feels uncomfortable with things AB/DL?
    3) Is it possible for someone who is still turned off by such things after a year to become more accepting over time?
    Wow, this sounds a lot like the beginning of my marriage. Its practically identical... no, it IS identical.. early in my marriage things went EXACTLY like this.

    Let me just say that it took my wife time to adjust but eventually she adjusted.. she doesn't participate at all in it with me, but she has learned to get use to my little side and she ha absolutely not problem with it, and honestly after 4 unsuccessful years, it took HER going to therapy to finally accept me... because it turns out that her inability to accept me was coming from a problem she had with herself. Just something to consider... i dont think you need to go to therapy unless something is bothering you and you can't pinpoint the cause. honestly, talking to a couples counselor about this will NOT work.. I'm sorry to say that the subject of AB/DL and all its branches are not a very well-known subject in the world of psychiatry... ive been to many therapists and none of them even HEARD of Infantilism or ABDL... its hard to understand it when you dont even know what it is or what it means to someone, especially when there is so much more to the spectrum than just AB or DL.

    Honestly, to answer your second question, if you love eachother, stay together... because the chances of finding an abdl to share this with and be happy are very slim... not IMPOSSIBLE, just slim.. and your gf WILL learn to get use to it if she truly loves you.. but saying its not fair to you is just an excuse for not wanting to say "i dont wanna stay"... I'm sorry if that sounds rough but if you are both MADLY in love, then you will work through this because thats what love is about... communication and understanding.

    I pretty much answered your third question in the first paragraph. It took my wife 4 years to accept my little side... 4 grueling, painful, argumentative, angry years.... but we got there. It would also help to know how old you are because age and maturity have a lot to do with it... me and my wife were 18 when we got married and we got older and wiser and realized that we were overreacting about things that were harmless. Just something to consider.

    If you would like, you can go speak to a therapist about being ABDL and how THIS situation makes you feel, but I would only suggest that as a form of expression and a safe place to just speak your mind and maybe have the therapist present different options or roads you can take.. but as far as therapy together, i wouldn't recommend it, because sadly enough; the therapist is going to take one side, either yours or hers.

    All in all, if you both truly truly madly love each other, you can work through it, and make sure she agrees... because the last thing you want to find out is that she just doesn't have the heart to tell you honestly that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.. Love isnt love without honesty. I'm not trying to put ideas in your head, im just explaining to you through what I have experienced in the last 6 years with my wife. I hope everything works out great for you and im sure it will

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by blablafreckenlover View Post
    I think ppl are fools if they think they can love every aspect of a person. This is no exception this woman doesn't love your ab/dl side, but she needs to understand hat it's just something she is going to have to deal and accept you for who you are, you've already agreed to do this by yourself and that's a lot, the fact that she sees you as an ab/dl is no ones fault but hers.
    Thanks for the honest response, blablafreckenlover. I 100% agree that it's unrealistic to expect to love every single little thing about another person. Spot on. But the way things are looking right now, it's not necessarily something she "is going to have to deal with." It's entirely possible and understandable for her to decide that this is not something she's comfortable even thinking about and that she wants to move on. It's hard for me to say, "I'm already not involving you, so you can learn to deal." when that could just push her away further.



    Quote Originally Posted by Eulogy View Post
    Take it easy, see how it goes. Don't stress over it too much.
    Thanks for the advice, Eulogy. Both of us may be really blowing this out of proportion. We're definitely not making any hasty decisions. Lots of time, thought, and communication.



    Quote Originally Posted by Bigbabybret View Post
    1- Make sure that your gf isn't either jealous or really uncomfortable with this part of you...
    2- Find and/or workout a way for you to practice this without her...

    So, talk about this side with her, and explain the feelings you desire from this area instead of the actuall practice...
    Ex. Talk about the need to feel vulnerable and cared for, rather than how it's done...

    Next, if this is what you really intend...
    Ex. Tell her it's ok that she is uncomfortable participating in this area, but you don't want to hide it, instead I can practice it on my own time, but still wish to be open and as transparent as possible.

    I'm not exactly how you feel...but, let her know it's a fetish, such as bondage, or etc...how you relate to it.

    If you have a loving long term relationship, and it truly is, you won't want to throw that away...that's very disrespectful of the other person as well.

    Rather than look at it as one or the other, it may be easy to fill your desire and still maintain this very loving relationship...

    And remember respect each other, if you were into foot fetish, or even bi...none of these things alone will cause a relationship to fail...
    Bigbabybret! So much good stuff here. I love it. Thank you! Not sure about your first point, but I definitely think open communication is key to all of this. I have been avoiding the subject because it makes her uncomfortable, but I think that is just making everything worse. And yes, I think our relationship is strong enough that this one thing shouldn't cause it to fail. At least I hope so.



    Quote Originally Posted by CrinklyEmilyLG View Post
    Wow, this sounds a lot like the beginning of my marriage. Its practically identical... no, it IS identical.. early in my marriage things went EXACTLY like this.

    Let me just say that it took my wife time to adjust but eventually she adjusted.. she doesn't participate at all in it with me, but she has learned to get use to my little side and she ha absolutely not problem with it, and honestly after 4 unsuccessful years...

    ...i dont think you need to go to therapy unless something is bothering you and you can't pinpoint the cause... ive been to many therapists and none of them even HEARD of Infantilism or ABDL... its hard to understand it when you dont even know what it is or what it means to someone, especially when there is so much more to the spectrum than just AB or DL.

    Honestly, to answer your second question, if you love eachother, stay together... because the chances of finding an abdl to share this with and be happy are very slim... not IMPOSSIBLE, just slim.. and your gf WILL learn to get use to it if she truly loves you.. but saying its not fair to you is just an excuse for not wanting to say "i dont wanna stay"...

    I pretty much answered your third question in the first paragraph. It took my wife 4 years to accept my little side... 4 grueling, painful, argumentative, angry years.... but we got there. It would also help to know how old you are because age and maturity have a lot to do with it...

    All in all, if you both truly truly madly love each other, you can work through it, and make sure she agrees... because the last thing you want to find out is that she just doesn't have the heart to tell you honestly that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.. Love isnt love without honesty. I'm not trying to put ideas in your head, im just explaining to you through what I have experienced in the last 6 years with my wife. I hope everything works out great for you and im sure it will
    Hi CrinklyEmily! Weird that my experience is so similar to yours! Although I'm not looking forward to "4 grueling, painful, argumentative, angry years" of adjustment, it does give me hope that maybe things could turn around and that the year + a few months she's known isn't that long. Thanks for the advice on therapists. One of my concerns was definitely going to someone, spilling my guts, and then having them have no idea what I'm talking about. My gf's intention (as stated by her) is just for me to have someone else to talk about things with, not for me to be "cured" by a therapist.

    I can only hope that we'll be able to work this out and stay together. As you say, it's definitely possible that she's still coming to terms with the fact that she wants out and just doesn't have the courage to say it yet.

    We are both in our mid-20s and have been together since we graduated from high school.

  7. #7

    Default

    Ah yes, high school sweethearts.

    My wife and i are also, and i can see where she is coming from.
    I agree with CrinkleEmily and if she wants you too see somebody for her ease, then go for it!
    I voluntarily went to see a heel of a nice Psychiatrist who was supportive and saw no problem with it.
    In fact he actually helped me deal with my own personal problem with discovering how unique i was.
    It helped both me and the wife and 2 years later it poses no problem, but i do it in moderation as i like balance in my life.
    Perhaps it a great time to explore herself as well and be open with you as well with her likes and desires.
    Regards LF.

  8. #8

    Default



    Quote Originally Posted by Luckyfish View Post
    I agree with CrinkleEmily and if she wants you too see somebody for her ease, then go for it!
    I voluntarily went to see a heel of a nice Psychiatrist who was supportive and saw no problem with it.
    In fact he actually helped me deal with my own personal problem with discovering how unique i was.
    It helped both me and the wife and 2 years later it poses no problem, but i do it in moderation as i like balance in my life.
    Perhaps it a great time to explore herself as well and be open with you as well with her likes and desires.
    Regards LF.
    Thanks Luckyfish. Really great advice, and it goes along with what I was already feeling anyway! If it will give her some peace of mind, I'll definitely talk with someone. Who knows, it could end up helping me more than I think.

    So, having never done anything like this before, would I be looking for a Psychiatrist then? And how would I go about that? Should I talk to my primary doctor? Or should I just look it up somewhere? Will it be expensive?

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by palutheran7 View Post
    So I guess my questions are these:

    1) Has anyone found talking to a professional helpful in dealing with relationships?
    2) Is finding someone who is more accepting of my little side worth throwing away a long-term, fantastic, loving relationship with a woman who feels uncomfortable with things AB/DL?
    3) Is it possible for someone who is still turned off by such things after a year to become more accepting over time?
    Ok so here is what I think.

    your first question... I have never really talked to a professional about relationships but I did about the AB thing. It was not very helpful as the therapist had no idea what it was in the first place. She had no problem with it but she had no experience to help me out at all. So I did not continue to go very long at all as I felt I got nothing out of it.
    2. Looking for a relationship just for that reason is depressing. It takes special people to accept this. Find one for that reason is hard I do not really think it is worth throwing the one you have away for that reason. But it really depends on what you want and feel.
    3. yes it is possible for someone to come around to the idea at least a little bit. But it takes time.

  10. #10

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    Here's how I feel about it:

    1) From what I've heard of friends' visits with "professionals", it seems to usually be a matter of spending money to hear things that you either feel are totally inaccurate, or already know about yourself. I don't think there's much more you could be told than "this is a part of you that isn't going to go away", "enjoy it but keep it in moderation", etc. Your girlfriend is the one you probably most need to discuss this with, and it sounds like the two of you already have discussed it quite a bit.

    2) Unless you can honestly say that you don't love your girlfriend and she doesn't love you, no. In almost any relationship, there are certain things that just don't mesh well, and though compromise isn't fun, it's beautiful when it works. It seems that the both of you are willing to compromise, but it also seems that she doesn't think you should have to (and the fact that she's putting you first is definitely a good sign). All you can do is encourage her that if she's not comfortable with it, you're okay with not involving her. Yeah, it's nice to be able to do a lot of things as a couple (maybe eventually as a family), but everybody needs to do their own thing now and then.

    3) Absolutely, but if you feel that she isn't becoming more accepting of it over time, it's likely that at the very least, she would accept that being an AB/DL is something you're okay with doing on your own (which goes back to what I said earlier about everybody needing to do their own thing now and then). Either way, I don't think it's something that has to be a roadblock for the two of you.

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