First I should state this isn't 'guilt' over the wearing and use of diapers, or of not being 'normal'. I've never really been normal and I'm used to it. Nor is it about being 'gross' or strange or anything like that, although my brain likes to toss those out to make me feel extra bad.
Essentially, a while ago I discovered that somebody who I'd trusted to be my CT... really had not wanted to. Or at least, their messages implied that :O It was a very upsetting thing to see, the times when I was at my happiest or most vulnerable being something they despised ('fucking bitch I want to hurt her') or, at best, tolerated. I won't lie, I'm not quite 'over' the pain of that yet, but I've moved on enough to no longer feel like curling up in a ditch every day. In fact, in day to day life, I'm doing better than ever!
However, when it comes to being little, I'm really struggling. I can't see it as 'good' anymore, and if that stopped the urges, that'd be great (sort of), but it doesn't. Instead I end up feeling very guilty and awful for wanting to be little, for burdening my CTs with this. I can't see that they're getting anything out of it, and given the past I am reluctant to trust that it's 'fine' to be this way, or even that they feel privileged to do it. Often, as far as I'm concerned, it is a horrible chore, something they feel they 'need' to do for me to be happy.
This whole feeling just puts an enormous mental block on me being little. I feel it starting to happen and instead of slipping into that wonderful little headspace I resist fiercely, snap at myself in my head, tell myself how disgusting and selfish I am for even considering putting that burden on my 'sister'/Mommy.
Sadly, this carries through to solo times, too. Obviously there's no longer the 'burden' issue, but when I'm alone I feel like being little in itself is a BAD thing. It's a bad thing because it is something my partners don't like, something they feel forced to do. In short, that part of me is a burden and an annoyance and has no business existing, let alone being rewarded with attention from nice people. I can no longer believe when I'm told that part of me is wanted.
I'm basically just wondering if anybody else has ever had issues like this? Although I'm mostly looking for people who've experienced guilt over wanting to be little, I'd also be curious to hear other 'caretaker turned out to not give a shit' stories :B At least I'd feel less alone. And if anybody has dealt with this... how did you re-accept that part of yourself as 'good'?