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Thread: Lost and broken

  1. #1

    Default Lost and broken

    I dont want to be of any bother or inconveinience. but i cant go on like this. every day hurts. and people tell me its supposed to get better. but it hasnt.

    my mum resented me. i wasnt the daughter she wanted. i wasnt "sophie" she had me to replace sophie. the daughter she lost to cotdeath. i was never good enough and got punished for it. punished because i wasnt normal. because i wasnt good enough. punished just for being a kid. i was scared to play if she was in the room. freezing and shutting up completely if she walked in on me playing. scared she'd hit me.

    my dad was my hero. my ally. my everything. when he was here he protected me. but because of his job he was away alot. he had this air around him that made me feel safe. and he understtod how i thought. he made me feel perfect. happy. loved. he loved me enough to make up for my mothers resentment of me. he stood up for me. and did anything to make me smile. he was my daddy and i was his princess.

    he passed away a year and a half ago. and i still feel like a part of me died to. a big prt. i havent been able to feel true happiness since he left. i can feel happy for maybe a few hours. but when its gone its gone. no happiness in the memories. just nicer than normal. death has become a comfort to me. death seems the only way i can find happiness. my mum doesnt even let me speak to her most days. only when she gives me permisson to speak. i dont want a therapist. i dont want some random stranger telling me im crazy. they can fuck off. i just want to feel how i did when i was with my daddy. i want to fix myself. i dont want to be broken. im unloved. unwanted. i dont belong anymore. i only belonged with my dad. and now hes gone. he was the only person who ever loved me. and now hes gone. he was the only person who wanted me, and hes gone

    i feel empty. my heart hurts, the only emotions i can feel are sadness anger and emptyness. i sit staring into space for hours. feeling nothing. thinking nothing. just being. i dont know how to live anymore. all i can do is survive

    why do i still feel like this? why doesnt it get better? why cant i look back and feel happy? why cant i think of my dad without crying? why do i still miss him? will i ever be back to how i was before he died?

    does anybody understand how i feel?

  2. #2

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    I don't understand, but I feel for you. Sending you a big hug, Meggy. You need to get away from your mum. She's toxic.

  3. #3

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    I understand how you feel, except it was my grandfather who raised me and passed. the only thing i can remember about my real dad was how abusive he was, and mom was never around to stop him. my grandpa saved me from that life style and made me feel like i was worth something. a few years ago now he passed away due to cancer. i had to watch the man that raised me and take care of me suffer horribly for two weeks straight before his body just couldn't take it anymore. when he passed away, i fell into a very deep depression. it had gotten so bad that i actually grabbed my pistol held it to my head and was seconds away from pulling the trigger. if my brother had not walked in and snatched it from me, i might not have been here today. just like you though the pain i felt never seemed to go away. it was almost a year before the pain even started to ease up. shortly after i found comfort when i discovered my little side. ever since then it is the only thing that took the pain away when i thought about him. however you already have found your little side so the only advice i can give is give it some more time and try to find something that you can take comfort in as well. just don't give up whatever you do. you have a purpose, you are loved, and you do belong.

  4. #4

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    Quote Originally Posted by MattiKins View Post
    You need to get away from your mum. She's toxic.
    but i still love her. shes all i have lleft

    - - - Updated - - -



    Quote Originally Posted by babymike1985 View Post
    it had gotten so bad that i actually grabbed my pistol held it to my head and was seconds away from pulling the trigger. if my brother had not walked in and snatched it from me, i might not have been here today.
    i do hurt myself. i cant bring myself to cut myself. but punching/hitting my head against walls. the numb pain. the ache. it comforts me.

  5. #5

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    Every single day I feel the exact way you do. I have to put on a fake smile and pretend that everything is okay. I have to show fake emotions of happiness just to try to get people to believe I am normal. If I am with the small part of the family I care about then I have to try to pretend to have fun or whatever just so they don't feel bad. I am starting to believe that true happiness is just an illusion.

    You can't chose your family, and that is one of the biggest lessons most people need to learn in life. There are circumstances you can't control; life is a game and everyone is born with certain stats and with certain special abilities and some people don't get anything good handed to them. The world champion of poker gets a bad hand sometimes, but you now what he still won because he knew how to play off of that bad hand. In card games like Magic or Yugioh not every card is the best, but cards play off of each other. When Yugi drew a bad hand he didn't just give up, he played the best he could and conquered it.

    Even the little worthless Magikarp grows up to become a Gyarados.

    The point is no matter how empty you feel you have to believe that you can fill yourself up completely. Try to work to achieving a great life, your profile says you are eighteen years old, you have so much opportunity to give yourself. If your goal is to be an adult baby, then I am sure you will find a great guy or gal to become your parent, if your goal is to get a successful job then go out and do it.

    At my college there is a 72 year old man, he is hunchbacked and all stiff from arthritis, yet he is still going to college to get his degree to finish the dream he once had. That man is my hero now, he is the inspiration that somebody's conditions should never stop them from achieving their dreams no matter how long it takes.

    I'm sure you don't wanna hear about me, so I will keep it short. I am in a situation like you, my parents never cared about me and my grandparents whom I live with don't care about what I achieve. I am a closet transgender because my family hates me and I have a ton of mental problems. I wasn't going to let these things stop me, and no matter how empty I feel I won't let it hold me back. I am in college now as a double major because I need to do my dream. I rarely feel happy, but the thing that gets me through most days is the chance of having happiness in the future.

    Some advice that might help you is don't just sit in an empty and quiet area doing nothing for hours. Always do something, find a hobby and do it. Listen to things on Youtube or on television. Most of the time I have things running that I don't even pay attention to, I just like the noise that fills the air making me feel less lonely.

    Things can't get better until you make them better, and trying to make them better gives you focus, and focus helps with the feelings I get, maybe it can help you too.

    Edit: If you ever need someone to talk to, I will gladly listen just send me a pm.

  6. #6

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    but that is the wrong type of comfort, you are punishing yourself, there are many other ways to bring comfort back without wrongful punishment

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by PrincessEmmy View Post

    Some advice that might help you is don't just sit in an empty and quiet area doing nothing for hours. Always do something, find a hobby and do it. Listen to things on Youtube or on television. Most of the time I have things running that I don't even pay attention to, I just like the noise that fills the air making me feel less lonely.

    Things can't get better until you make them better, and trying to make them better gives you focus, and focus helps with the feelings I get, maybe it can help you too.
    those things hep when im studying. i push everything to the backi of my mind. but it always comes back to the surface. and i cant keep pushing these feelings awayy they only come back stronger

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by babymike1985 View Post
    but that is the wrong type of comfort, you are punishing yourself, there are many other ways to bring comfort back without wrongful punishment
    think of it this way, would your dad want you to hurt yourself or would he want you to live on and be happy and take comfort in the fact that one day yal will be reunited

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by babymeggy View Post
    those things hep when im studying. i push everything to the backi of my mind. but it always comes back to the surface. and i cant keep pushing these feelings awayy they only come back stronger
    Have you tried talking to a therapist? If you are in college you should be able to get one through them.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by PrincessEmmy View Post
    Have you tried talking to a therapist? If you are in college you should be able to get one through them.
    im in uni. i dont want a therapist. ive seen lots in my life and the last thing i need is somebody else telling me im not good enough

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