I dont want to be of any bother or inconveinience. but i cant go on like this. every day hurts. and people tell me its supposed to get better. but it hasnt.
my mum resented me. i wasnt the daughter she wanted. i wasnt "sophie" she had me to replace sophie. the daughter she lost to cotdeath. i was never good enough and got punished for it. punished because i wasnt normal. because i wasnt good enough. punished just for being a kid. i was scared to play if she was in the room. freezing and shutting up completely if she walked in on me playing. scared she'd hit me.
my dad was my hero. my ally. my everything. when he was here he protected me. but because of his job he was away alot. he had this air around him that made me feel safe. and he understtod how i thought. he made me feel perfect. happy. loved. he loved me enough to make up for my mothers resentment of me. he stood up for me. and did anything to make me smile. he was my daddy and i was his princess.
he passed away a year and a half ago. and i still feel like a part of me died to. a big prt. i havent been able to feel true happiness since he left. i can feel happy for maybe a few hours. but when its gone its gone. no happiness in the memories. just nicer than normal. death has become a comfort to me. death seems the only way i can find happiness. my mum doesnt even let me speak to her most days. only when she gives me permisson to speak. i dont want a therapist. i dont want some random stranger telling me im crazy. they can fuck off. i just want to feel how i did when i was with my daddy. i want to fix myself. i dont want to be broken. im unloved. unwanted. i dont belong anymore. i only belonged with my dad. and now hes gone. he was the only person who ever loved me. and now hes gone. he was the only person who wanted me, and hes gone
i feel empty. my heart hurts, the only emotions i can feel are sadness anger and emptyness. i sit staring into space for hours. feeling nothing. thinking nothing. just being. i dont know how to live anymore. all i can do is survive
why do i still feel like this? why doesnt it get better? why cant i look back and feel happy? why cant i think of my dad without crying? why do i still miss him? will i ever be back to how i was before he died?
does anybody understand how i feel?