I'm sorry for posting this, but I am having a really hard time tonight. I'm really sick of life again...I'm sick of being a guy and a grown up, I just want to get my SRS and be a baby girl.
Over the past week I have had a lot of events in my family that is causing tons of stress that I am having trouble handling. Last week I had a cousin suddenly have a heart attack and died in the hospital. Then a week after throughout one day I had three cousins all involved in three separate car accidents. One was hit at an intersection and is fine. The second one was hit by a car while walking and only has a 50-50 chance of living, and the third was driving in a storm and lost control hitting another car and his brain is dead and he is on life support and the doctors say he is going to die. It's finally hit me that I am not going to see my cousins again and it's really getting hard to take.
Things are made worse because now both sides of my family are all arguing over the deaths. On my grandfathers side its everyone against my uncle's family and on my grandmother's side its against one of my aunt's family. Now my grandparents are expecting me to take their side and make it verbal by confronting the family members.
Because of all this stress I forgot to do a major homework assignment and I am not in the mood to study, my depression is kicking in and telling me to just drop out instead of putting up with college in my life as well. I know I can't do that though because I need to be successful.
I tried to relax today, a wrestling event was on and I was going to watch it. I ended up missing half of it though because my grandmother made me go with her to my uncle's house so I could listen to them argue for two hours. When I get back and started to watch the show and talk on the two chatrooms I go to for wrestling, people started snapping at me anytime I said anything. So I ended up leaving since nobody seemed to wanna talk to me anymore and I didn't feel like watching the show.
So I have been crying, alone in my room, talking to a good friend on a chat site trying to calm down. I have been throwing everything I get my hands on, I broke my lamp, a cup, almost broke my computer monitor. I am struggling because the suicidal thoughts are winning, and I am very scared.