this is something im struggling with. and feel is important. why do i like nappies and dummies and sippy cups and playing with childish toys?
i had a bottle until i was 4, but was out of nappies by the time i was 2...i wasnt dry on nights until i was 3 and a half/4 i think it was to do with my bottle for bed n when that was stopped the bedwetting stopped. i was allowed dolls and all my childhood toys until I chose to put them in the loft. (i say 'chose' as in i was made to feel bad and like a freak by my mum because i was 11 and liked dolls still)
so really i shouldnt want this? i wasnt abused. my dad loved me more than life itself. and i had a good middle-class upbringing until i was 10 and my mum n dad split. and i cant remember any....wanting to be younger at this point. i just knew i didnt want to grow up. I enjoyed playing the baby when me and my friends played mums and babies. and as i was little i fit into the real size 3 nappies my mum n dad had bought for my big doll louise who was the size of the average 6 month old baby and was a soft bodied doll i found in a charity shop and fell in love with. so i often wore them when playing the baby. and once i got dared to wee in them. im sure my dad caught me as i remember him saing "you better not be peeing in those nappies smeg cos i wont be buying no more". i remember i liked it but i never tried it again. and i remember being 12 and trying to reverse the effects of puberty because i didnt want to grow boobs or get curves or get hair down there.
i remember once being 11/12 and my mum had tena lady pads in the bathroom. i remember wanting to use one. i dont know why but i took like 3 or 4 and stuck them all over the inside of my knickers. i didnt understand why but i liked the feeling of them on my skin.
when i was 13 and at my dads i was on his laptop looking at...well id accidently gone from simpsons colour ins to a incestual sexual story involving bart and lisa simpson. and when i looked at the full site i found one about a baby husband. and i was confused. (as to how a baby could be married) and i clicked on it and read it. and i was really intrigued that there were adults who liked this. even if it was only fiction.
i knew i liked pretending to be little. id buy the onesies from shops and just wear one with my knickers and crawl around my bedroom (at my dads only)
and i was allowed my dolls and not made to feel silly for playing with them at my dads. and i knew he knew i sometimes drunk out of the baby bottles hed bought for my dolls (50p for like 4 real baby bottles in a charity shop or £5 for doll ones) and he caught me 'cleaning' the dolls dummys by sucking on them once or twice.
but why have i always been like this? i dont understand. when i feel little its not like im playing baby i feel alot younger, and it feels like a need. i will admit i dont really feel it often, normally only once or twice a week. but when i feel it its like a really strong feeling. i just dont understand.
i know its stupid but part of me wants to become incontinent. just because it would give me a reason to wear nappies. i know it would be inconvienient and i should not want incontinence but i feel bad for wanting nappies and id feel better if i knew i NEEDED them.
i fee like theres something wrong with me and i jst dont understand. your meant to want to grow up. so why do i want to stay like a baby? why? i just dont get it and i wonder if any of you can shed some light on this for me. because i just dont know.