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Thread: How can I be a good partner to my DL husband?

  1. #1

    Default How can I be a good partner to my DL husband?

    Hi everyone! I am new here. I signed on because I'm desperate for advice, and I love my husband who is a DL.
    He's an artist, and so am I. We've been married for a short time now, but known each other since we were kids. He introduced his DL fetish to me a few months after we started dating (this is how he introduced me to diapers: I got into bed, and he was wearing one. No warning.). He told me that he felt comfortable opening up to me because I'm very interested in fetishes (I've done a lot of research on sexual fetishes in the past- mostly because of a past interest in sex toy and fetish gear design), and he thought he'd be safe with me, thought maybe I'd be into anything. Well, I wanted to be supportive, and I knew how much shame he had had about wearing them. But honestly, I felt uncomfortable with it, and not particularly excited about it. I went along with it for some months (he would wear a diaper during sex/sleep maybe a few times a week during that time). And, actually, I did find it pleasing sometimes. It can feel great to be so intimately caring to another person- and he is SO lovely and vulnerable when he is diapered, and he never shows me that vulnerability in any other context. I even wore a diaper a few times, which was fine.

    But I got burnt out. Resentful. I'm naturally a more submissive sexual partner, and it started to feel so depressing to me that he got this careful attention from me, and I didn't get that quality of attention from him. He just doesn't know how to really pay close attention as a lover, and doesn't like to be in control. (We talked it over, he's tried, but he just doesn't know how to be a naturally strong "take control in bed" kind of person) I am able to switch and be the more controlling/doting partner, but it's NOT my preference. I just got burnt out and stopped wanting to do it.
    When I didn't respond to him by touching his diaper when he wore it last, he got so deeply upset. My experience was that I felt dominated into agreement by his enormous upset, and I just shut down around it. Yesterday we went to couples therapy, and I brought up that maybe this fetish doesn't work for me (since I don't feel like I can choose freely, I feel like if I don't do what he wants, he's depressed and distant for days, it feels like a gun to my head "do this or we'll both be punished"), maybe I'm not going to be intimate with him while he's wearing diapers anymore. And what resulted was horrible. He told me that if he wasn't so scared, he would leave me and try to find someone else.
    This situation feels so awful.
    I love my husband, and I don't want to lose him, and I don't want him to be unhappy, but it feels like diapers open up a black hole of need in him, and it feels draining, scary, and I feel really left out and unappreciated.
    Part of me knows that I get to choose- stay with him, and participate with him in diapering, or get divorced. And it seems like the stupidest idea ever to get divorced over this. But I'm really depressed, and don't know how to get used to this. I would really welcome your thoughts, obviously I can't talk with ANY of our friends about this, and I really need someone to talk with right now.

  2. #2


    To me, this whole situation says more than the typical needs and requests of a DL. Admittedly I only am seeing one side of this situation, but I'm going to respond to your side of things as you feel and see them.

    What I am seeing (reading) here reminds me of past bad relationships I've been a part of. I see a LOT of emotional manipulation. This is easily seen by way of him playing the victim when not getting his way. That's not a normal response when two people are in a healthy relationship. You should be able to say 'NO' to sexual play for any reason at all, at any time, without being made to feel guilty. If you are in a healthy relationship, you'll want to express yourself sexually because that's part of the romantic attraction you have for each other. You won't feel like there is 'a gun to your head.' Feeling like there is a gun to your head is always bad. That's never a good thing to hear from one or the other partner.

    It seems like you are being controlled. This has little to do with diapers. If it wasn't diapers, it would be something else. If your relationship is in trouble, which is appears to me as though it is (in big trouble), then the real reason is because of emotional manipulation and control. Getting resentful is a common emotion a person who's being manipulated will feel. You are right to expect that your needs should also be met. This whole thing sounds one-sided. This isn't how sex is supposed to work, whether it involves fetishes or not.

    People who say that they are depressed, scared, feel like there's a gun to their head, confused, resentful, drained, burnt out, tired, unappreciated - that sounds to me like there is some major emotional manipulation going on. It may not be intentional, but that's the picture I'm seeing from reading this. This isn't about diapers. This is about a man treating you in a VERY unfair way. You are very hurt by it, as one would be.

    I'm glad you're in relationship counseling. I would ask to speak to your therapist/counselor one-on-one privately without your husband. You need to get this off your chest without being heard/watched. Be fully honest, like you were with us here on this message board. Tell her/him everything you are feeling, and how upset you really are inside.

    Here's some signs of a healthy relationship that may be of interest to you. Some of the things I'm reading here really don't sound healthy at all. Especially this, good sign, is not being valued by your husband:

    Your partner doesn't force sexual activity or insist that you do something that makes you uncomfortable.
    Talk to that therapist ALONE. Just you and him/her. Confidentially. I wish you the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  3. #3



    Wow - I have to say I woudln't want to trade places with you and I am amazed how supportive you are!
    You really seem to love him a lot - which is great...

    Now to what I may can give:
    Myself I've grown up being incontinent - well especially at night, diapers are basically a "must" ... Added to this, sometime during puberty I must have "activated" other desires regarding the diapers - sexual desires. Now why do I bring this up you may wonder?...
    When I got into any relationship (I'm 34 btw.) the diapers were basically very quickly out in the "open" (it's not something I could hide as I need to wear pads/diapers during the day and at night for medical reasons)... However at my first few attempts at relationships I never told any girl about the "I like the diapers too" aspect... until 12 years ago when I met my soulmate... she's been amazing ever since and I can't imagine life without her to be honest.
    She took my need (medical) to wear diapers really easy and I took (and still take) VERY VERY good care to make sure the diapers aren't getting in "our" way. I mean I don't walk around in nothing but a diaper... whenever possible I wear thin products that will never show under clothes, etc... I keep myself VERY clean, I work out a LOT (we're both pretty sports crazy) and I try to take VERY good care of her whenever I can. Now after a few month into the relationship - we discovered early on, that we both are pretty kinky in general and that we both are into BDSM stuff... cool enough, we both like to "switch" (top/bottom) - but it's not like we have a BDSM or kink only relationship... we cuddle just as much and travel, work out, love to cook, etc... so I guess aside from being kinky, we're pretty "normal".
    So at one point (some month into the relationship) I opened up about my DL side... she took it quite easy... and agreed to give it a try.
    Now the odd thing that happened is that *I* was truly put off by this ;/ ... In my head-space that used to be a major fantasy of mine diaper play with my partner... but it turned out to be VERY awkward to myself. She was actually quite "ok" with it... it didn't really turn her on, but didn't put her off either... I guess "neutral" would be ok... We tried her diapering me as well later on again, but it freaked me out.
    Maybe it's because of my IC background, maybe it's because I feel vulnerable when someone else diapers me, maybe it's because of my probably only real fear of loosing (age, sickness, accidents,...) control over my own body... maybe it's because I don't want to see my IC as something I need help with... whatever I don't know.

    Now well I'm aware, that this doesn't (yet) help you with your situation, but I felt it kind of important to give you a bit of a background about myself to put what I have to say in an appropriate context. To let you know where I'm coming from...

    As I've mentioned my girl and myself are both pretty kinky... we share quite a few fun kinks together... sometimes either one of us indulges in a kink that only the otherone has - simply to make something nice for the other person.
    But - and that is where I think your relationship is seriously lacking at the moment - it's a give & take, it's sharing, caring and being very good at giving each other the required attention and LOVE.
    However there are a few "ground rules": and the single most important one, RESPECT & ACCEPTING LIMITATIONS.
    There's stuff I will not do... no matter what, simply because it would compromise most of the things I believe in or simply because I find it utterly over my boundaries.
    Same goes for her, there's stuff she won't do - for whatever reason.
    And that is absolutely OK ... it's good .
    Your husband, if you guys want a good relationship, needs to learn/understand that despite his intense desires for the DL stuff to be a part, it can NOT be a one-sided thing. it can not become the one and only fixation of his during your sexual activities and HE needs to respect that this is something with what you are not 100% comfortable.
    I believe - from what you have written - that you would indeed be OK to INDULGE ONCE IN A WHILE, as a "special treat" or simply for his sake... the key I guess is ONCE IN A WHILE.
    He also needs to learn that YOU HAVE DESIRES & NEEDS to, that you are NOT here to only fulfill his.
    And you both need to see, that maybe some areas you will share (the more the merrier they say ) and some "plays" will have no place in your shared bedroom.

    I guess in respect to his DL desires you need also to establish what is ok and what does not work for you and him..
    For example I'd say it shouldn't be a big deal if he just wants to wear a Diaper to bed - but he should for example COVER IT UP (I wear boxer shorts to bed over the diapers for example).
    I also think they (the diapers) should come OFF during Sexual foreplay... YOU should be able to choose freely if you are OK with incorporating them into the foreplay or not. HE NEEDS TO RESPECT this.

    And last but not least: maybe show him this message, let him know he should not be so pushing about this... it's not fair to you.

    in that I hope, you will find a way that will work nicely for the both of you.

    The last thing I can add, is that communication between partners is of utmost importance... never assume you "know" the other person inside out, never stop trying to learn about each other, never believe that someone is basically set in stone..
    without communication my girlfriend and myself wouldn't have had 12 amazing years so far - and we both hope and work hard to make many more (years).

    Good luck.

  4. #4


    You're doing what you can. It sounds like you're trying to meet him halfway on this, but he isn't willing to do the same for you. His defeatist attitude towards taking control in the bedroom clearly lacks imagination and will on his part. He's abusing diapers, and not taking care of you. If he can't see this, or doesn't care to, things will never improve.

    I can only advise more couple therapy, and perhaps more therapy for him since he's allowing diapers to ruin his relationship with you. Don't blame yourself. You're not in this situation out of a lack of trying.

  5. #5


    Thanks guys. It's really great to get your responses. I feel supported, which is a relief.
    That being said, can any of you relate to my husband's experience- "coming out of the closet" as a DL/AB and feeling like it's driving you crazy, you can't tell anyone, and no one will ever accept you for who you are? I know that's how my husband feels, and I wish he could find people to talk with that could support him in opening up.

  6. #6


    Usually the ones of us who are ashamed and can't tell anyone and being driven crazy and feel like no one will accept us don't go to bed wearing nothing but a diaper as our first introduction to our partner. Sorry. Everybody is different, yes. We rarely get accepted by non-ABDL people. Yes. Sometimes it drives us a bit crazy, longing for something which we know the odds are LOW of attaining. YES.

    Is this an excuse for what I'm reading in your original post? Nope. Sorry. No matter how upsetting the secretive and shameful nature of our ABDLness goes, it doesn't act as an excuse to do whatever you want. People get angry. Should they harm others? People get horny. Should they rape? People get lonely. Should they tie someone up to a chair and force them to talk or listen? ABDLs have their desires ignored for long periods of time. Should they go about manipulating their partner into doing what he wants and threatening divorce when he doesn't get his way? NO. Sorry.

    I know being ABDL can SUCK. He can make an account and come talk to us ANY TIME about how hard it is to be in the closet, to have a secret life, to not be accepted, to find romantic love. But there's really no great excuse for the B.S. you said was going on in your O.P. That's straight up manipulation.

    I'm saying sorry a lot here not only because that's a helplessly bad habit of mine - but because I know this is coming off as rude. It may sound to you like I am being very rude. I don't wish it to sound rude. What I wish you could hear, while reading my post, is the sound of an alarm bell.

  7. #7


    Quote Originally Posted by TexasDL View Post
    Thanks guys. It's really great to get your responses. I feel supported, which is a relief.
    That being said, can any of you relate to my husband's experience- "coming out of the closet" as a DL/AB and feeling like it's driving you crazy, you can't tell anyone, and no one will ever accept you for who you are? I know that's how my husband feels, and I wish he could find people to talk with that could support him in opening up.
    I think everyone here who is ABDL will be able to identify with those feelings. I also recognised:

    and he is SO lovely and vulnerable when he is diapered, and he never shows me that vulnerability in any other context.

    diapers open up a black hole of need in him
    Speaking as a male ABDL, in my experience dealing with the social expectations of men NOT to show vulnerability can be very complicated. If you grew up after the 1970s, most boys will have been told "it's OK to cry" but it's definitely not OK to be thinking about and wanting to wear diapers. In my case because my vulnerability and desire to be childish went a lot deeper than was acceptable even in more emotionally literate modern times, I buried it all down deep inside myself. I didn't cry. I didn't confide in anyone. I got used to lying and covering things up. I was very serious, hating to lose control and have fun.... that's what I was like from middle school until my first proper relationship when I was 18 and I started to open up and change a little....
    I wouldn't claim to be a normal, healthy, balanced individual now (look what I do in my leisure time, that would be laughable) but I've changed a lot.

    Taking his perspective: he's been covering up this desire for a long time, feeling shamed, starved for acceptance. It's can be a very corrosive thing, because it's one little bit of you that you dare not share, and you're afraid if you do it would wreck even the strongest relationship. In his relationship with you he's found something that probably no-one has ever given to him before - acceptance of his DL desires. This is just my interpretation from reading your story, but I see the problem like this: his desire for your "acceptance" has grown bigger than his desire for you. He'll love you as long as you keep giving him his hit of acceptance, if not he'll try and go somewhere else.

    He just doesn't know how to really pay close attention as a lover,
    I think you need to decide/find out if it's a question of "know how" or a question of "want to."

    I don't know if your husband is being consciously manipulative, but he's obviously put you in a very awkward situation where he's basically emotionally blackmailing you.

    To me it seems like your husband really needs to
    1) learn to respect other peoples limits without resenting them for it
    2) learn to pay attention to what other people want and don't want
    3) stop stuffing things which make him feel vulnerable in the same closet in his head where he keeps his need for diapers.

    I guess what I'm saying is he's either an emotional screw up, or he's just acting like a dick-head because it serves him well. I used to be a bit of an emotional screw-up myself, but I got better.

    You seem like you've made a good effort to be understanding, and you say that you even enjoyed some aspects of diaper play. You seem like the sort of person an honest ABDL could probably work out a good relationship with. If your husband can sort out his emotional issues/ learn stop exploiting you, and depending on the quality of the rest of your relationship, you can probably work it out if YOU want to. However when someone says something like this:

    he would leave me and try to find someone else.
    You've got to think about whether that would be such a bad thing for you.

    Good luck.

  8. #8


    Interesting situation. I just came out to my wife, and we have yet to try anything in bed, but I have let her know I would like to. Just coming clean on the issue has made me very excited. But I am a realist. Yes she is a very excepting woman, and maybe a little dominant in bed....I realize she may not like diapers at all, and I have to prepared for that. If she does except them in sex, it wont likely be all the time. I have to respect that this is just a unique fetish and everyone is not into it, and my relationship is more important.

    It seems you do enjoy it, but not all the time, and everything cannot always be his way. I have a feeling if he simply backed off, and did things to please you rather then just focusing on his gratification you would be more willing to indulge his diaper side again. He has to come to some of these realizations on his own. But I wonder if there are some options in bed you could come up with him to satisfy your need for submissiveness and feminine desires....Maybe you could come up with a love making system where you switch roles during love making...or every other time? Just brainstorming because these may be issues I have soon as well!

  9. #9


    Cool, thanks you guys. We're working it out. Diapers are back in the relationship. On the condition that he gets on a forum like this and start talking to other people that can understand him, because, DAMN, I can't be the only person he talks to, it makes him a crazyass pressure cooker. But I love him, diapers and all.

  10. #10


    I just wanted to comment as well. I agree with the above responders and I think Frogsy has spoken well for all of us. As a husband, father, and now grandfather, I didn't come out to my wife until five years ago when she discovered my diaper order on line. She has been very accepting, but I try not to push too much on her, in part because I'm still shy about it.

    I agree that your husband is being very self centered, and it almost is like being raped. My feeling is that counseling is absolutely necessary. He has got to reach an understanding that you both have needs. There's no reason you can have nights where you meet his needs, but he must also realize that you have needs as well. If he is unable to understand that, you may very well have to have a parting of the ways.

    He should look at how accepting you have been and realize how lucky he is. If he can't compromise and respect your needs and wishes, there is something terribly wrong with him.

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