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Thread: What is acceptance?

  1. #1

    Default What is acceptance?

    I've been thinking about what it means to be accepted. I thought about my own experience, about how I was looking for acceptance, when I just found out who I am and why it was so important to me. At the time it seemed to me that it's obviously right decision to tell everything to my parents. I wanted it so badly! Well first of all because in this case I won't have to hide anymore. Secondly, it seemed to me that if my parents will know and be able to accept me, somehow it will help me to accept myself. These considerations led me to a curious example..
    You know, when small children do something they never done before, they're watching the parents reaction, 'cause they don't know whether this good or bad. I think we are just like small children, and the other part of society, outsiders, like parents to us, or teachers, or just grown-ups, whose evaluation is important for us. We're just need their evaluation. And when they say "No, it isn't good to wear diapers and to use them on purpose", we act like spoiled kids, running tantrum "I don't want you to say it's bad". But they aren't as big as they think. What acceptance are you looking for? And if you already know that it isn't bad, then why their opinion so important to you?
    I'd like to know what you think about it.

  2. #2

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    No need for acceptance on my part. If I can find someone who could accept it and be cool with it then... cool. Otherwise it's my little secret and I'd love to just keep it that way. Would NEVER tell my parents, oh god I don't know why I would ever think of doing that. Talking to my parents about sexual orientation is one thing but going up to my mom & dad and telling them I enjoy wearing diapers in any shape or form? HAHA that conversation would probably end with my dad thinking even less of me and making automatic assumptions, no matter how I word it. Even if he's accepting there's seriously NO reason I'd want to let my parents know about this. No way in heck.

    Why is their opinion so important to me? Because this fetish carries a certain social stigma and holy heck I'd rather my parents be ignorant to such a thing about me. Just knowing that would change their attitude towards me, regardless if they keep it secret and are accepting. Too awkward. If at any point in time they know, I sure as heck hope it's after I get my life in order and live on my own.

  3. #3

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    I think most people want acceptance with things, generally speaking. We want to be validated. With ABDL activities, basically, society as a whole doesn't accept us. So we try to break apart society into individual people. We want someone to accept us! And when we go here for acceptance, we get it of course, but only from a big group of other people who do the same weird thing. It comes off sounding like that often quoted scene in Freaks. "One of us! One of us!" I mean, that's nice... but, well, maybe it'd be cool if someone who doesn't have the unusual proclivity towards diapers also said, "Hey that's not so bad. You're alright."

    It's hard to get that though. And we want to be careful with our feelings, so people will generally steer towards people they think may love them unconditionally. Because they don't really super want to take a big leap of faith. Just a little dip is better. So they go to spouses, parents, siblings, best friends, and other relatives. Usually these sorts of people put up with a hell of a lot from us. Maybe even diapers, then, too. If not, though, it can really doubly burn. They think you're a freak, and also, they don't love every little bit of you like you thought they might. Twice as much pain as you bargained for.

    But that's not the only reason people suddenly want to share their ABDL side. I think a lot of it comes to the stress of living a double life. Having a secret identity is a bit stressful. You have to hide your stuff in your home, or hide it when people come over. You have to come up with excuses, sometimes lie, hide your delivered boxes, sometimes pretend to be someone you aren't. You might even have to watch the mocking of an adult baby on a reality show and have to shake your head and agree, "What a loser." Or at the very least, you can't really stand up for the adult baby on the screen. Society generally thinks, "You're either with us or against us." While intellectuals love room for gray areas, society has no idea what a gray area is. Living a double life means the stress of being worried about being found out. That stress fluctuates over time, but in the very least it's a nagging sensation we'd rather live without.

    This sounds like I'm really into everyone jumping out of the closet. Not at all. No matter what, self-acceptance is the best kind of acceptance there is. You're stuck with yourself forever. You're it. A big part of becoming psychologically healthy is loving yourself, all of yourself, not just the socially acceptable bits. I'm working on that, and I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm trying. The only way to accept yourself really is just to realize you're not hurting anyone, you need this, you enjoy this, and it's pretty harmless. Living the double life is a rough one. But I'm not sure there's a way out. We can't have our cake and eat it, too. There will always be people you hide it from, unless you are super out of the closet in the public eye, like a few of the well-known ABDL enthusiasts. They have their own burdens to bear, of course, being out in such a public way. Anyway, for the rest of us, being 'out of the closet' would seem more like a series of increasingly painful increments as more and more people see your secret that increasingly have less and less to lose from being a jerk to you about it.

    Unless society becomes much more tolerant of many things, generally speaking, they won't even be ready to accept something as off the wall as ABDL. We've got a long way to go on that front. People don't even let gay people marry each other without kicking up a fuss! We want them to accept us dressing up in diapers? So society's totally not ready to offer any kind of acceptance, and it doesn't matter anyway what society thinks - society used to think a ton of crazy stuff, like that slavery was a great idea, and that women shouldn't vote. Who says they've totally got it, now? Not me.

    I agree with what ScaredyCat is saying. People who are wiling to risk everything to tell their secret sex lives to their family, what do you think will be the best outcome of that? Unless it's a situation where you absolutely have to explain, such as getting caught dressed up, then what, exactly do you think is going to happen? Are those thoughts realistic?
    Last edited by Frogsy; 09-Sep-2013 at 21:30.

  4. #4

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    I think it's all about social norms. Every society presupposes the existence of social norms. In every society there are those who follow those rules, and those who can not follow them. Generally speaking, the emergence of new norms leads to the emergence a variety of social phenomena or sub-cultures. So it has been throughout the history of mankind, and this is natural. Subcultures not appear on will of a single rebel, but society generates them itself in attempt to achieve the balance (entropy). The tightening of social norms is always automatically result in the further dissemination of subcultures. And vice versa, the spread of sub-cultures leads to a tightening of social norms. Frankly, I don't think that validation in the broad sense is possible. All this fuss against ABDL is caused by the fact that the society, in major part, does not want our activities to become a social norm.
    I forgot to say that the balance in the society can not be achieved, the scales are always moving. Appearance of subcultures, whether it hippies or Orphics (ancient Greece), BDSM, ABDL - caused, in my opinion, by the social roles that we are forced to play. From an early age we were preparing to live in the adult world and taught to survive. Perhaps many of us had grown up relatives who told us something like "Childhood is short, enjoy it while you can"...

    P.S.: Speaking of understanding and support, I know I can rely only on those who have had similar experiences. I know that I won't seek for support from outsiders.
    Last edited by ScaredyCat; 10-Sep-2013 at 19:30.

  5. #5

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    Personally I believe regression must be as old as the hills; it's the trappings of childhood that are different over the ages. I am simply dl, a class of object fetishist; I do however strongly believe in unity and cohesion among all the "padded peoples" As to whether abdl is a mental illness, I think that like any obsession it can be, if it's taken to extremes. But it is just a normal variation of sexuality/identity if it causes no distress. It is a social phenomenon: in recent times and especially since there has been an internet, like-minded people have sought each other out, online and live.

    Yes, there are live events for us and those like us, get-togethers at restaurants, camping trips and even conventions: such as Capcon and Nelicon. At such events you will find folks into diapers, as fetishists or ageplayers (many are both) and even some people who ageplay but are simply "littles" and aren't diapered at all. In the mix are babyfurs/kidfurs who blend being furry and little..

    It's a big wide world now

  6. #6

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    I didn't mean to divide people to classes XP. And either I don't think that abdl is mental illness, frankly I prefer to keep distance to psychiatrists and their opinions. But this is mature forum, so I tried to abstract, to get the whole picture.

    Frogsy, I'm working on accepting myself too (and searching for reasons) all the time since I got my identity, all this time I can't get out of crisis. My parents knows, and accept me, but they love me unconditionally, and I know they can accept anything (or just say it). This is good, but as if that was not enough. Just as you said I want someone who doesn't have the unusual proclivity and doesn't know me close enough to accept me (even if I say I'm not going to search for this kind of acceptance XP), I don't know why. This is harmful way. Therefore I assumed that the acceptance has something to do with evaluation. This is the topic of this thread. Along with: will it lead me to self-acceptance in the end? Or I don't know, may be it's just something wrong with me... And this is part of a bigger question: whether it necessary to let people know about it, in the world where abdl is barely known, will it help someone or just lead to bigger troubles?
    Realizing that I did not choose to be who I am, and I can't change it, and it's not hurting anyone, slightly helps me. That makes me believe that people can understand it, but still there's a huge difference between understanding and validating.

    Raccoon, would you accept a padded nerd from outside of Western culture? I feel that I am an alien here.

  7. #7

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    As I do my AB/DL things in private, do I don't give a shit about what thinks about anybody. Who knows ??? Someone involved, about 10 persons, males and females. May my mother.. o. Not sure, but I thing she knows something about. When I was 17, she found out my stuff. I told her "It's not your bussines..." Relation from that time bad, now a few better (like 15 yaers ago from that "found out,") now no any word about it - we haven't any personal contact about 8 years untill now and I'm hiding it. We're doing now really good family relationship. Another person "who knows" is my sister. But I thing she'd a few out of this and think she forgot or doesn't give a shit about. Our relation is a few cold, but for another reasons.

    Self acceptance is another "problem" - I accepted a lot years ago (about 20) "you're not alone in this, so shit happens."
    'fre
    I don't give shit about opinioin of others. Why ? Mostly they're thinking I'm asshole, son of bitch or (in very limited cases) we're doing friendship (mostly without involve AB/DL side of myself.) Why I need some" points plus (or minus)" for be AB/DL by anybody ??? It's my kink, my problem.

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by ScaredyCat View Post
    I've been thinking about what it means to be accepted. I thought about my own experience, about how I was looking for acceptance, when I just found out who I am and why it was so important to me. At the time it seemed to me that it's obviously right decision to tell everything to my parents. I wanted it so badly! Well first of all because in this case I won't have to hide anymore. Secondly, it seemed to me that if my parents will know and be able to accept me, somehow it will help me to accept myself. These considerations led me to a curious example..
    You know, when small children do something they never done before, they're watching the parents reaction, 'cause they don't know whether this good or bad. I think we are just like small children, and the other part of society, outsiders, like parents to us, or teachers, or just grown-ups, whose evaluation is important for us. We're just need their evaluation. And when they say "No, it isn't good to wear diapers and to use them on purpose", we act like spoiled kids, running tantrum "I don't want you to say it's bad". But they aren't as big as they think. What acceptance are you looking for? And if you already know that it isn't bad, then why their opinion so important to you?
    I'd like to know what you think about it.
    To answer the question of what acceptance is, and why so many of us feel the pull to tell our parents or friends, I think BitterGrey of Understanding Infantilism has broken it down nicely: Is Being an Adult Baby/Diaper Lover OK?

    In short, he talks about three types of acceptance we seek: Acceptance from self, from God, and from others.

    We need to accept ourselves first. We have to accept that this is a part of us, it almost certainly isn't going to go away, and it's OK if done in moderation and with a mind for others. It does mean taking stock of our lives, seeing if we're doing what we were meant to do and how diapers fit into that. It also involves looking at our infantilism and making sure that what we do is acceptable to us (keeping in mind that it's not illegal, dangerous, or harmful, aside from certain things like trying to become incontinent). If you want to be accepted, it needs to start with you.

    The second, acceptance from God, can be rephrased, since not everyone believes in God. But everyone has a moral system they live by, even if it's one they created. The real question is: does infantilism conflict with what you believe is right and wrong? If so, what do you need to change to remove that conflict? This step can't be overlooked; not working out acceptance with my own beliefs caused me a lot of hardship until I did it.

    The third step is acceptance from others. This is one you need to be careful with. I know the feeling of wanting parents and friends to accept me. Even if one random person discovered my secret and said that it was OK, I feel like I'd be over the moon. But that involves putting my reputation and my safety at risk. Instead, to find acceptance from others, I turned to this forum. On here there are thousands of people just like me, and even a few who aren't but are friends and partners to ABDLs. On here, I could share my most shameful secret, and instead of being told, "Go away, freak!", I heard, "That's cool, me too!" This really helped me with my own security in who I was. I don't feel the need to tell who I am anymore, because there's a a whole village of people on here who are OK with me!

    So overall, I think the acceptance from self-God/morality-others structure is helpful to look at. I'm not sure where you are on this search for acceptance, but this is a good place to work it all out. We seek approval from parents and others because...well, we want to be accepted. But I think online communities, with the lower personal risk, make it a safer way to fill that need. And yes, acceptance is a need. Wanting to tell others is a universal desire, I think, but it's one that can be filled safely here.

  9. #9

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    CrazySmoker, I don't know what to say...

    Adventurer, this is a good answer I ran through the BitterGrey's questionnaire and I guess my problem lies in the second type: acceptance from God/morality. In my case the first and the second types (and probably third too) are tied up inseparably. I used to be a Christian, for most of my conscious life. (The faith left me when I ceased to consider Christianity equitable). Now I believe that there is a direct relationship between what I do and who I am. So what I do is always lead me to who I am in the end. I don't think in terms "right/wrong", but in terms "I'd like to be/I wouldn't like to". In other words it seems I can't fit my own moral system at the moment
    I don't know... I've got plenty of bugs in my head, plenty of questions to discuss to someone (in private), some time, if you don't mind...

    Thanks for answers
    Last edited by ScaredyCat; 20-Sep-2013 at 21:37.

  10. #10

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    I'm not christian, so I haven't any problem with acceptance by god. I'm made as I'm. Over that can't cross a train. I see a lot of posts by christians, who afraid "be ABDL is from devil" or something like that. If god exists, so he made ABDL people too, or not ???

    When I was about 12, I casually foud out "I'm not alone in this," but lot of time I thought I'm a few stupid for that and tryed to reject. Nothing worked.

    For have some kind of kink nobody is better or worse person. Nobody is perfect.

    And yes, I'm adventurer, I haven't another option.
    Last edited by CrazySmoker; 21-Sep-2013 at 08:13.

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